Archive for January, 2009

January 14, 2009

dick chick

I think I am attracting more dicks as I age. Either that, or the world that I am living in is so teeming with dicks, that it is literally impossible to not encounter them at all. Hell, even the chicks that I deal with every day are mostly dicks. And I encountered the worst one today at HSBC bank.

I was there with Emily to get her ATM card changed, because the darn thing failed on us. It wasn’t broken or damaged or anything. It just died out of mysterious causes. So we went to the bank to have it rectified, and was served by this sourpuss Malay chick. When we told her about the problematic ATM card, the dick chick immediately said – “Yeah I’ve looked through our records and it said our bank system was functional throughout. So it must be your card that has become defective.”

No shit sherlock, like I couldn’t tell. I was also pretty sure that she made up the whole thing because we were barely there for less than 10 seconds and she didn’t even budge an inch – she couldn’t have ‘checked’ on any records. Anyway, when I lamented how this was inconveniencing us, the dick chick replied,

“If you know how to take care of your cards, this wouldn’t have happened.”

She was actually sarcastically implying that it was my fault that the card was defective, and for that, I should be made to pay 8 bucks to have it replaced.

“Excuse me? You’re saying that the card became defective because ‘I did not know how to take care of my cards’? Now how did you arrive to that conclusion?”

She repeated the same shit like a broken record,

“I’ve looked through our records and it said our bank system was functional throughout. So it must be you do not know how to take care of your cards”

I was like, wow, her computer is not only capable of communicating with her telepathically, but is also capable of telling if their clients have been abusing the ATM cards! That’s like, in the league of the Oracle in The Matrix trilogy! Probably has a big wrinkled cheebye and bakes cookies when free as well.

I then confirmed again with her,

“So by checking your records and error codes, you can tell if I haven’t been taking a good care of my cards?”

She duly replied my query with an assuring ‘yes’. I then DOUBLE confirmed again with her,

“So it couldn’t have been the quality of the card itself that causes it to fail?”

“I checked the records. The list of error codes here tells me everything.” [shows me a stack of stapled A4 notes]

I was wondering if her Oracle super computer could tell her how fucking stupid she is. I was so tempted to ask her then – how the fuck do I actually ‘take good care’ of my cards? Cut their cuticles and trim their pubes? Goddamn. I did not ask her that of course, because I knew she was too much of a dick and had too little intelligence to even reason. So I went on with whatever plan she had, let her proceed to get us the replacement card and later went to the branch manager instead, to lodge a complaint against the bitch and eventually got the 8 bucks waiver for the stupid card.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 12 Comments
January 12, 2009

keywords III

Bizarre shit that people typed in the search engine and fucking ended up in my blog instead…

1. Cat torture / Torture cat / How to torture cat – When you’re out of idea on how to be evil, why not try the search engine? Goddamn psychos. I guess they’re here because of this entry I wrote 3 years ago… (which is one of my highest hit / most read post to date)

2. dick in tamil – The best way of finding out how to say dick in Tamil is to ask your Indian friends… what a chode. (the word’s ‘koteh’ ‘kunji’ by the way)

3. bersetubuh dengan adik – The least reassuring thing in 2009 so far, was to learn that my blog’s attracting some incestuous pedophile… albeit not on intentional purpose.

4. durian as eraser – I don’t even know what this means…

5. pregnant girl with clippered hair – Now how did this end up in my fucking blog?? What’s “clippered”??

6. what does pundek means / what is pundek – One of the top searches. Apparently, some people are still living under a rock. (for the record: pundek is a type of animal that purrs)

7. tek tek perempuan – I reckon he (or she) didn’t have a good source of porn… Notice how direct his search string is… Must be a kid.

8. women ovary fucking – Kiddy search again. Kids, you don’t insert your junk into the ovary! You insert it in the armpit and vellicate (guys, shhh)

9. neighbor fuck mommy – Another kiddy search. When you see mommy getting boned by your uncle neighbor, you don’t Google! You call your DADDY!

10. yung girl pey for hand job in a car – This guy don’t even fucking know how to spell (and the strange thing was, he ended up in my blog… this is sad)

I feel sick already.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments
January 9, 2009

uwekkk!

Company X hires the some of the strangest kinds of employees (except me of course). Just the other day, I saw a lady wore something so ghastly awful, that it almost gave me a fucking heart attack. She had this piece of fluorescent colored puffy ‘drouse’ (I don’t know if it was a really short dress, or a ridiculously long blouse, so I’m calling that thing a ‘drouse’) draping just over her caboose. Under there, she wore nothing, but only a pair of glossy LATEX tights. She also had this Cleopatra wannabe ancient Samurai helmet hairstyle, with a pair of big ass hoop earrings. Now if you’re wondering if that subject was hot, no she wasn’t. The subject actually looked like – as I have described about a person I know to a friend before – the female version of Quasimodo…

The time I spotted that tragic piece of horror, she was discussing – rather loudly – with her bunch of half witted equally misshapen friends about how she should have trimmed her fucking helmet hairstyle even more like a helmet (some technical jargons involved). I was so tempted to walk over and tell her that if an evil witch shaman from the ancient Mayan civilization were to live today, she would have chosen to wear the exact same garb like her’s. Brings the term ‘dress to kill’ to a whole new meaning.

I guess the lady was probably trying to look goth in that shit, in hope to obscure her advanced age from her colleagues or something. But little did she realize that her setup had the complete opposite effect, and some other unintended image wrecker as well…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 6 Comments
January 8, 2009

stupid traffic lights

I was stucked at an intersection for 40 over minutes the other day. Rather unexpectedly, at a non-peak hour time. Why? Because of a set of stupid traffic lights. What it did, was it only allowed 10 – 12 seconds on the green, and would go red for over 2 minutes. Anyone with half a brain would have figured what that would do to the traffic – huge motherfucking backlogs. It was like pressing your thumb against the spout of a faucet with running water.

I wonder who was the retard that was commissioned to time that set of stupid traffic lights. The sad thing is, people like that retard seem to be prevalent in Malaysia nowadays, because I noticed that the set of traffic lights IS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY ONE of its kind around. They’re all over the fucking place. There used to be one right outside my workplace that would go green for only 5 – 6 seconds, but would go red for eternity. And I remember encountering countless of such traffic lights in KL as well. Seriously, what is with these people…

And people wonder why we get traffic congestion every so often. I have an answer for that – some idiots did too much charity and some retards got lucky.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 10 Comments
January 6, 2009

massive dolt

My 2.5 year old daughter was minding her own business, when I decided that it was high time for her to brush up her cognitive skills. I looked around and I spotted a baby bottle cap lying near where she was sitting, so I decided to ask her if she could spot the partially camouflaged cap (it was a yellow cap lying on a floral patterned bed sheet). It was an attempt to gauge both her language comprehension and observation skill…

“Regine, the baby bottle cap is missing. Can you help daddy to look for it?”

She understood my question and then looked around for the cap, and easily spotted it. But instead of picking it up to give it to me, she was kind of giving me this look which I do not know how to describe. Thinking that she might have missed the cap, I asked her again about the cap…

“Regine, daddy still could not find the cap. Can you help to look around some more?”

After pausing for a while, she finally pointed at the cap with her little index finger and said this to me,

“OPEN YOUR EYES LAH!”

I’ve never felt so much like a massive dolt before…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 17 Comments