Archive for 2008

January 7, 2008

the weirdest shit

My 10th year service award dinner. I wasn’t going to attend it until I saw the grand prize for the lucky draw – it was a notebook that I desperately longed for. That was when I decided to give it a shot, you know, just in case I got lucky or something. But it was a decision that I would regret later – not only did I not get anything, but I had to sit with the weirdest shit.

The weird shit I’m talking about, is a spinster in her late 40’s. Just in case you wonder, yes, she’s there to receive her 10th year service award. Like me. (But then, I assure you, that was the only thing we have in common). What’s worst, she sat right beside me.

So, what makes me think that she’s the weirdest shit? A lot of factors, people. I’ll list them out and you decide yourself.

First of all, the look. You see, this lady, I reckon that she’s still a spinster because of many reasons. One of the main ones, has got to be her looks. And man, is she fucking ugly or what. Emaciated and greenish pale in complexion, you’d think that either she’s a retired crack hooker or someone impersonating a decomposed corpse in a Halloween party. On top of that, her face is also riddled with acnes and warts, with a coarsely cut scarecrow hairstyle. As for her garbs that night, she was wearing a somehow worn out and faded T-shirt (untucked), with an oversized dark blue khaki pants complemented with a pair of white sneakers. (it wouldn’t have looked so weird if she wasn’t attending a formal company dinner to receive her 10th year service award)

Now, you might probably think that she just has a bad taste in fashion, and was not blessed with a good look and shit, and that doesn’t warrant the right for anyone to label her as a weirdo, right? Well, unfortunately, no. She also talks to herself. She’d babble things (by herself) during the whole course of the dinner. Initially, I thought she was talking to me. As I did not want to be rude, I asked for her pardon a few times – and she’d just go “bzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz” and ends it with a cackling witch laugh “eeehehehehehehehhehh”. It happened for a few times before I got really scared – you’ll never know if people like her is gonna short circuit, grab somebody’s balls (I was just sitting right beside her, you see) and bite his nuts off or something.

And then, there was one particular moment, she closed her eyes, crossed her palms together on her lap and started meditating right on the table. Everyone was so dumbfucked then. I even jokingly said to one of my colleagues, that if we see smokes coming out of her head, we better fucking run. She’s probably evoking her voodoo shit and is opening the hell gate. (I deliberately said it loud enough for her to hear it – I was just testing water if she’s pretending. But she didn’t seem to hear it). She did the meditation for a whole 5 or so minutes, woke up and continued to cackle like usual. Totally bizarre, man.

The management said that they hoped that we’ll all have an unforgettable experience that night, and I certainly had that (albeit in quite the opposite way). I kinda also wondered, what actually happened to that loony spinster? Was she as kooky as this 10 years ago before joining Company X? Is her present self a by-product of years of stress and depression from excessive work? What would be her next stage of metamorphosis then? A full mental retardation?

I’ve already worked for Company X for 10 years. She probably got kooky years ahead of me due to her shallow character or perhaps unhealthy diet. And if that’s true, then it is just a matter of time before I become like her… and that’s a disturbing fact to learn indeed.

*sigh*

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
January 2, 2008

‘review my site, michael’

How bout me clobbering some retards as my first post on a spanking brand new year? Sounds like a good idea.

Here you go, people. (received this a few days ago)

from: HeartBeat Admin [admin@heartbeat.com.my]
to:
date: Dec 31, 2007 3:57 AM
subject: Review on HeartBeat.com.my

Hi, I’m Vincent from HeartBeat.com.my. A website that providing personalized gifts online in Malaysia.

I just visited your website & I found it is interesting and informatic.

May I know could you help me to write a review on my HeartBeat.com.my?

As a return, I would be very happy to present you a personalized mug from our website. We can print your own photo on the mug.

Looking forward in hearing from you.
Thanks. ^_^

Regards,
Vincent

http://www.heartbeat.com.my

012-647 9294

Ohhh [squeal]! He finds my site ‘informatic’ and I have every reason to be thrilled about it.

I fucking hate spammers.

from: Michael Ooi
to: HeartBeat Admin [admin@heartbeat.com.my],
date: Dec 31, 2007 6:19 PM
subject: Re: Review on HeartBeat.com.my

dear vincent
your site looks like a cheap ass porn site without porn.

sincerely
Michael

There. Feel free to visit Vincent’s site and tell me if my review’s accurate or what.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 13 Comments