Archive for 2008

August 6, 2008

feel good question

My new-boss came to me yesterday and asked me a question,

New boss: “So Michael, do you have the projected spending for this coming new quarter?”

“Yeah”, I thought. I’m gonna need a bigger car that guzzles less fuel. And perhaps a new pad to go with it. A petrol subsidy from the company would be nice. And I also would like a personal masseur in the lab to give me a backrub when I need it (a hot girl please).

Ridiculous as it may sound, the outcome is still the fucking same – the sore miser director (boss’ boss) is not going to fucking approve anything we request anyway. We wanted to buy a few cheap cabinets to store our shits a few months back but, we got rejected flat. They were only 65 bucks a piece. That should be nothing for a 50 billion dollar multinational company. But still, the management decided that we should save that mere few hundred bucks and piss some engineers off. That question about projected spending, was probably just a half assed effort of a ‘feel good’ question to keep us in check (oh I’m gonna ask him anyway it makes me feel good). I might as well give it a pass to make myself look more prudent…

Me: “Not that I can think of at the moment. We don’t need any major upgrades. In fact, we have bigger things to worry about now. Like batteries for my meters. I requested a few batteries a couple months back for my dying meters, and I still haven’t got them. I was about to ask for your permission to get the damn batteries off shelf, and file for a claim.”

File for a claim. A claim that literally takes weeks to reimburse. Fucking ridiculous, isn’t it? They can’t even fucking get me my batteries, let alone to upgrade our equipments? And this is only part of it, a few months back, the doctor smacked his forehead when he saw me in the clinic – the guy told me that Company X had defaulted the medical payment for its staff for 6 months. Just yesterday, I even got chased by a local vendor for a bad debt. Many more horrid tales. I wonder what next. Getting beaten up by apeshit doctors for not paying? Loan sharks giving my car a red paint job? Mahai.

Sometimes, I wonder if these people are taking the word ‘cost saving’ a little bit too far. I’m so fucking pissed and demotivated right now. I could use a little backrub and a cream bun.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 11 Comments
August 5, 2008

the tunnel

Regine was at the playground playing when she came across this tunnel. She wanted to enter the thing but, she somehow hesitated. Being a pair of supportive parents (alright, wannabes…), we gave her a few words of encouragement for her to go through it.

“Go on, go into the tunnel. Don’t be afraid… Mommy will be on the other side, and daddy will be behind you…”

But she didn’t budge. It must be the longest tunnel she has ever seen. The previous tunnels we brought her to, were all short and looked very much safer. But this was different. It was oblique, and a bit dark as well. God knows what manner of creatures could be lurking in there, she must have thought. And just when we were about to give her another push, my Regine said the darndest thing ever…

“The tunnel is so BIGGGG! Regine is so small… Cannot!”

We were both amused and surprised, because we’ve never actually heard her express herself like that before, especially when she gestured the ‘BIG’ adjective with her open arms and used her thumb/index to show how ‘small’ she is compared to the tunnel, with a somewhat miserable facial expression.

After we laughed our hearts out, I kind of acknowledged that maybe the tunnel was too intense for her, and I told Emily that maybe we should try it again when she’s older. But Emily was relentless, and decided to give one final push. She crawled through the monster infested hell hole herself… you know, to lead by the example to see if Regine would follow. Regine procrastinated a little while, and eventually went into the tunnel and came out from the other side.

I tell you man, I couldn’t have been prouder and any more impressed. Had my baby not contrasted to us that it was hell of a task for her to crawl through that shit, I wouldn’t have felt it that much. This, people, is called ‘lowering the expectations’ and when you score, you score it with colors – more or less the same as ‘Lesson #2′ featured in my ‘What have I learned?‘ post. Dirty trick but, works all the time.

It took her old man 20 over pathetic years to learn that, but my baby already knew how to do it intrinsically (goddamn!)

Like I said, I couldn’t have been any more impressed.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 8 Comments
July 30, 2008

something strange in the neighborhood

About 40 – 50 production operators went hysteric at Company X this morning – the highest number ever recorded. Over the years, the most ever recorded case of hysteria in Company X was less than 10 at a time. But this morning, it was like hell being broken loose. Those operators went like, batshit crazy and began to scream like they had their clitoris clipped with a nail clipper, all at the same time. Must be quite a scene. I imagined it to be like the movie Dawn of the Dead… you know, mindless undead running amok wrecking properties and killing people. And I can probably amuse myself by jumping in to grab the prettiest chick in the mob, one preferably with the biggest tits and ‘manhandle’ the hysteria out of her (but I know that’s not likely because as far as I’ve noticed, none of them even came close to the term ‘acceptable’ by the lowest standard)

So what was that all about? I don’t fucking know man. I’ve heard rumors flying around that some offerings got stolen from a nearby ‘Datuk Kong’ (some kind of local guardian spirit) shrine and it got them spirits all pissed, and they’re now all out to stir some ruckus (pretty much like that Hindraf assembly). I can understand that. Sometimes when I lost a screwdriver in the lab, I always feel like going postal and kill something. Or at least yell incessantly for a while, just to let it out. If I were to have the power like that of a guardian spirit, you can bet your ass that the advantage would have been abused at that warp of time. And I would have done the exact same thing – retard the productivity of the company until I’m used to the condition without my fucking screwdriver.

But then, if the spirits really have the power to make a human go hysteric and act all loony, why do they choose to harass these innocent operators? Why not those despicable managers or directors? Won’t that be more interesting? I can think of shitloads of creatively fun things to do with them. Lap dance in the cafeteria… masturbating in public… drinking from the toilet bowl… streaking across the scorching hot parking lot… sodomizing the stray iguanas at the creek behind the Company X building… you name it. It’ll make headlines. Things that I don’t understand.

Anyway, I just hope that this will all be over soon (knowing that this is not doing any of us Company X employees any good). My bonus payout depends on the productivity of those bunch of operators, goddamn it.

(poll: do you guys believe in shits like these?)

michaelooi  | happenings  | 17 Comments
July 28, 2008

déjà vu

I was at Mac’s to grab a quick lunch today. A guy who looked like an overweight wookie was taking my order…

fat wookie: “Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?”

Me : “BigMac McValue set. Large. Having here. That’s all.”

After all the fuck ups I had with so many degenerates at various fast food outlets, I tend to cut my crap short nowadays. Life has been fine since, because it is always pleasant to do business with me. Well, except for this fat fucking wookie here. Apparently, he didn’t hear my ‘size’ well…

fat wookie:”Would you like a medium or large set, sir?”

Me: “Errmm… large, please.”

fat wookie: “Medium or large, sir?”

Me: “large.”

fat wookie: “Would you like a medium or large set, sir?”

That was when I got really annoyed.

Me: “Large. LARGE. That’s what I said, right?? LARGE! Is there any other way for me to say it??”

A sense of déjà vu immediately came over me. I’ve had this once. The chocolate sundae incident at Mac’s, remember?

Fucking interns. They can be such an annoying fuck sometimes.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 8 Comments
July 23, 2008

7 wastes of Lean

Last week, I was made to toil through a boring 3 hour lecture session about ‘Lean’, and was introduced to this thing called ‘7 wastes of Lean’… which is all about identifying and classifying non-value added practices into 7 categories, and then reduce them as necessary.

I feel compelled to summarize this up into a less complex way for the benefit of all…

1. Transportation
Transportation incurs aging, and also exposes your product to higher risk of getting damaged.
Example: You set your date at the west side of the town, and when everything boils down to sex, you drive your date home to the east side of town, which is about 1.5 hours (excluding traffic) away. And because the journey is perilous and long, you’re also more likely to get into an accident and that much least likely to have sex with her. This is stupid and it’s definitely a waste.
Idea: Have your date at nearer location. Like, 5 minutes away from the pork zone… or better still, have your date on the bed…

2. Inventory
Cumulated inventory not only hinders productivity, but incurs cost as well.
Example: You’re 10 seconds away from inserting your junk into her vadge. But when you want a condom, you realize that you have to fumble your way through the stash of DVD-R medias, unread MAD magazines and a few dozen cans of dog food which you purchased at a bargain price during a recent grand sale. And your bitch’s denying you entry without protection… You’re in dilemma and totally wasted.
Idea: Don’t stash. Consume only what you need. And do plenty of housekeeping.

3. Motion
Unnecessary movement to get a job done is a waste.
Example: You’re having a steamy session with your girl. While you’re kneading her tits halfway, you go grab yourself a beer and take a leak, and then come back to continue. Just when you’re about to hump her, you ask to be excused again to go borrow a condom from your neighbor. A sex session that should have been filled with fervor and substance, ends up with your girl getting frustrated watching you do cross country exercises across the whole apartment.
Idea: Place all your props and tools strategically throughout your house. Should be a hand stretch distance away…

4. Waiting
Having to wait for a process to complete is a blatant waste of resources.
Example: Your date wears a beautiful 3 layered designer dress. When it comes to getting it on, you took 15 minutes to peel off the top 2 layer, 5 minutes for the third, and another 2 to unhook her bra. Your chick waited for it to end, all the while doing nothing. This is a waste of resources.
Idea: While it is perfectly excusable for a guy to be such a tard when it comes to peeling off crazy designer dresses, it is unforgivable for the girl to sit around waiting to be stripped and doing nothing. The girl should make use of her pair of free hands to give you a prostate massage while you’re dismantling her clothes! Or she can knit a scarf for all we care! Just don’t idle!

5. Overproduction
Doing too much for a specific goal / target.
Example: Spending too much time adjusting the air-cond, cleaning up the bed, fragrancing the room, lighting up candles to set the ambient – before having sex with your date. Your date only wanted a wet and wild night getting penetrated left/right/center, but you wasted her precious time trying to impress her by attempting to boost the mood (when the mood’s already there).
Idea: Just do whatever that is necessary. If she wants sex, fuck her already. Nevermind the curtain, nevermind the ambient. Just give it to her.

6. Overprocessing
Doing non-value things for a specific purpose.
Example:You check your dick for any stray bristle that could puncture the condom before sex. And then just to double make sure, you rub it off with a modeling clay for scratch marks. And then to triple make sure, you spelunk into your girl’s vagina to see if there are any sharp objects inside that could also puncture the condom. But little did you realize that if your condom’s gonna tear (due to poor quality or whatever), it’s gonna tear anyway. Could happen halfway through the pounding. Wasted efforts.
Idea: If your girl doesn’t have gonorrhea, or is not ovulating, you probably do not need a condom in the first place. Know your work. Then work it well.

7. Defects
Anything that is produced defective will be a gross waste.
Example: Imagine yourself spending a hefty amount of hard earned cash just to make an evening perfect for your date, and then comes the sex time, your car breaks down. Frustration ensues and your date leaves. A total tragedy. After all the time, money and effort, all for nothing? A waste indeed.
Idea: Make sure you maintain your ride well, and take a good care of it.

*****

These are suppose to be useful stuff. Now, all you have to do is interpret it your own way and think of how it could help you in your career and shit. You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 8 Comments