Archive for October, 2008

October 13, 2008

gone for good and bad

Remember the ‘optimistic vs pessimistic‘ opinion I did about Elliot the fucking idiot sometime back? Here’s an extension of the list over the years…

9) Elliot likes to play tacky songs loudly from his workbench with his loud speaker. They’re always on repeat, and they’re always songs from a few artistes which I loathed – Modern Talking, Vengaboys, Aqua and Celine Dion…
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to make his co-workers healthier by playing upbeat songs to keep everyone animated and stuff…
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a freak

10) Elliot sometimes would shut himself down in front of his bench, and chant some weird sounding mantra with an odd looking opened book in front of him. During this period, he’d totally ignore everything, even if the building’s on fire. It would last 5 – 10 minutes before he’d wake up from the trance.
Optimistic opinion : He’s praying for the vast number of endangered species all over the world.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a freak

11) Elliot would on and off jump around the lab flailing his hands for about 5 minutes. After that, he would walk around in circles for another 5 minutes before he goes to the toilet to take a crap (or fap)
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to stay healthy by stretching himself good.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking freak

12) Elliot likes to filch equipments from his busy co-workers, not to use them (the equipments) but to have them left on his workbench, just so that his workbench would look more complicated.
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to save electricity by proactively limiting the use of electrical equipments in the lab
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking contemptible freak

13) Elliot smears his boogers underneath his desk/workbench.
Optimistic opinion : He’s an avid environmentalist. He’s just trying to make the workplace more ‘organic’
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a motherfucking freak

14) Elliot could not differentiate a piece of fried fish from a piece of chicken chop.
Optimistic opinion : Elliot’s an altruistic person. He likes to make people feel smart by pretending to be stupid, just so that everyone feels fulfilled when they’re around him.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking stupid freak

15) Elliot believes in extra terrestrial beings, ghosts and other paranormal shits.
Optimistic opinion : Elliot’s is a colorful character from space
Pessimistic opinion : He’s an abomination

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Elliot the fucking idiot. This is going to be the final of him in Company X. He’s leaving us for good. He printed his resignation letter in the lab last week, came over to my bench and told me “Michael, I resigned”. I so fucking wanted to jump up from my chair and scream deliriously (just like how the US president would if Iraq were to be obliterated from the face of Earth)… but I chose to be cool about it and totally ignored him… which he responded by walking away. The moment he was gone, I messaged a tonne of my colleagues that his reign of terror was finally over. Saddam’s dead!! YEahhh! Humanity and goodness prevails!

(But all is not good, I’m afraid. It was rumored that Elliot’s going to join the aviation parts manufacturing industry as a no-less important engineer. I shudder to think about the repercussion of his involvement in this critical industry…)

michaelooi  | characters  | 2 Comments
October 8, 2008

a sensitive question

In the cafeteria,

Me : “Dollah, I nak tanya you satu sensitive punya soalan.”
[translation: “Dollah, I would like to ask you a rather sensitive question”]

Dollah : **looks at me**

Me : “Bila you orang puasa, you boleh macam ini ke?” **stretches out both of my fists to the front and shakes my body violently**
[translation: “When you guys fast (in the month of Ramadhan), are you allowed to have sex?”]

Dollah : “Heheh, malam boleh, tapi siang tak boleh.”
[translation: “Heheh, only at night, but not the daytime.”]

Me : “Goncang boleh?”
[translation: “What about jacking off?”]

Dollah : “Serupa juga.”
[translation: “Same restriction applies.”]

Me : “Tapi orang pun biasanya kongkek dan goncang malam juga, kan? I rasa ini bukan masalah besar.”
[translation: “But people usually have sex and masturbate during nightime, right? I don’t think this is a big problem at all.”]

Dollah : “Sebenarnya, kalau nak kongkek siang, boleh juga. Tapi kena ‘denda’ balik puasa 3 bulan.”
[translation: “Actually, it’s still permissible to have sex in the daytime. But one has to ‘compensate’ back with another 3 months’ fast for the violation.”]

Me : “Tapi kalau you kongkek diam diam, siapa tau?”
[translation: “But if you do it privately, nobody will find out, right?”]

Dollah : “Memanglah. Tapi ini diantara you dengan you punya Tuhan… you sendiri yang tau lah.”
[translation: “Of course. But this is between you and your God, so you know it yourself.”]

Me : “Oh, macam steady steady lah?”
[translation: “Oh, it’s like being a sport is it?”]

Dollah : “Ya.”
[translation: “Yes.”]

Me : “Kalau macam ni, sudah kongkek sekali, kenalah kongkek siang tiap tiap hari… sekali atau seribu kali, you kena puasa balik 3 bulan juga, kan?”
[translation: “That means, if you violated it once, you might as well have sex in the daytime for the rest of the duration. Have it one time or a thousand times, you have to compensate the 3 months fast anyway, right?”]

Dollah didn’t answer me and moved on to chat with the other guys about how Anwar’s going to take over the world. I don’t know if it’s for real but, if it is, then that goes on to show that whoever that wrote the rulebook for fasting in the month of Ramadhan, actually took into account of a possible emergency situation when a Muslim brother needed to have sex urgently. Talk about being flexible.

So the next time you see a fellow Muslim friend fasting for 3 months, ask him… “Was it good?”

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
October 6, 2008

do you have boobies?

A couple weeks ago, my 2.5 year old daughter saw my cousin’s cleavage and exclaimed “I can see your boobies!”. That of course drew some laughs amidst bewilderment from some of my relatives that night, as it was quite uncommon for kids her age to know such word. Thanks to her daddy and mommy. And in fact, she knows it a little too well.

Just last night, while I was putting her to sleep with Emily, my daughter rested her hand on my tummy and asked me this in a serious tone,

Regine: “Daddy, do you have boobies?”

She was looking at my chest of course. She must have spotted my muscular chest (alright, fat).

Me: “Of course not. Daddy is a boy. Boys don’t have boobies.”

I conveniently lied.

Regine: “Mommy have boobies?”

Me: “Yes, mommy is a girl, so she has boobies.”

Regine: “Regine have boobies?”

Me: “Not yet. Because you’re still a little girl. Little girls don’t have boobies.”

That was when Emily decided to help me out there.

Emily: “You’re still a little girl. No boobies yet.”

Regine: “Little girl aa?”

Emily: “Yes. You’ll only have boobies when you grow up.”

Regine: “Grow up aa? Boobies aa?”

Emily: “Yes. That’s right.”

But I sensed the skepticism there, and I had the hunch that she must be thinking, what a bunch of liars we are. Boobies to her are like, objects protruded out of someone’s chest. That means, if anyone were to stuff a couple boxes of Kleenex into their blouse, then that person will have a pair of boobies. Boobies are like, so cosmetic. Why can’t a boy/man have boobies then? What are those things on their chest then? The reality must have skewed her logic greatly and I can understand that.

The truth is, everyone has boobies. I have boobies, even bigger than some bulimic bitches at my office, that’s for sure. For me (as a guy) to not have a pair of boobies, I must be scrawny like a cadaver. And needless to say, there are also shitloads of girls without boobies as well. Some guys are also more well endowed than an average girl. Eg. Simon Cowell, or Russell Crowe in this recent pix of his here with his massive man-boobies (ironically, with a girly pony tail and a beard)…

Now, how do you explain these to a 2 year old? We can’t. We are trying to make her perceive that boobies are for babies to have their nutritional needs, but we’re struggling. Even if we manage to convince her, we know it won’t hold for long. She’s too smart to be deceived, and I dread of the day having to explain to her why some aunties have huge boobies but no babies… or why that uncle with a twin patch of sweat marks on his armpits have boobies bigger than mommy (haha, I was thinking of The Gimp)…

It’s tough to bring up a kid nowadays…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 5 Comments