I was walking to the car with my lunch members, when we came across a brand new Nissan Sylphy, located smack dab at the center of the building lobby. Knowing that one of my lunch members has difficulty to pronounce the car’s name (which he always mixes up with the name of a popular sexually transmitted disease - ’syphilis’), I cheekily teased him by hollering across the corridor,

“Hey dude, SYPHILIS! HA HA!” [points at the car]

Apparently, I hollered too loud… loud enough to be heard by the Nissan salesperson who was behind a wall. I only realized his presence after walking past the wall, which I reacted by hastening my pace to hide the embarrassment… while trying hard to stifle myself from bursting into a cramp inducing laugh.

I sometimes do strange and embarrassing things that I myself cannot explain…

(In case any of you wondered what do I think of Nissan Sylphy - I think it’s a shit fucking ugly looking car. The interior’s decent though.)

I found this email in my inbox today…

From: [my Insurance company]
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 2:38 AM
To: Ooi, Michael
Subject: Specially for women like you

Dear MICHAEL OOI,

Do you want the freedom to live life on your own terms?

If so, [PROGRAM NAME] is really ideal for you.

[PROGRAM NAME] for Women is a new, all-in-one health, protection, savings and investment solution for your future.

Whether you’re young or established, have a successful career or simply managing a home, [PROGRAM NAME] for Women features 4 solutions specially designed to meet your needs during the different life stages. Each solution is flexible and easily customised, offering total financial and life coverage that is relevant to you.

Life’s complicated enough. Financial security shouldn’t be.

Click to see how easy we’ve made it for you.
[URL]

Regards
[Agent name]
[Insurance company] Contact Centre

Specially for ‘women’ like me… fuck. It wouldn’t have been that wretched if my name was not quoted in the content, because I would have disposed it off as another spam mail. But not with the big bolded ‘MICHAEL OOI’ in it. So I’m officially a ‘woman’ in their records. My insurance company’s records. FUCK.

Enclosed with the mail was a picture of a relatively young woman stretching her hands at a meadow with a liberating close-eyed expression ala the armpit deodorant advert style. I’m not sure if that picture was suppose to assuage any possible confusion that might arise upon the shocking discovery of my ‘true’ gender. This is disturbing indeed. I made an effort to reply…

From: Ooi, Michael
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 9:15 AM
To: [my Insurance company]
Subject: RE: Specially for women like you

FYI, the last I checked, I am still a very masculine and established MALE. So, no thanks.

I was thinking of attaching the picture of my schlong to the originator (whom I presume must be a lady) with a caption ‘DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKING OVARY TO YOU??’, but I eighty six-ed the idea because I do not want to be too brash - because the lady on the other end might just die out of excessive cum radiation…

My boss asked me this, this morning

Boss: “Michael, what do you think of using a special questionnaire to screen the new engineer for the new job?”

Me: “What do you mean? Like an interview or something?”

We were referring to an idea by the management to get a subcontractor engineer to help out some of our work (you can think of it like hiring somebody’s maid to wash your shitload of laundry). In this case, an interview would be redundant, since we’re not really hiring that guy. We’re just exploiting them at the advantage of being on the higher level the food chain here…

Boss: “Not really an interview, but sort of like a filtering mechanism to make sure that the guy who comes in is competent and suitable”

Me: “Oh you mean, to make sure that they’re not sending us an idiot for the job?”

Boss: “Something like that.”

Me: “Well, we can check his qualifications, if that helps… I’m not too sure if a questionnaire is appropriate… since that guy will not be on our payroll and we don’t have the say to throw him out if he’s an idiot…”

Boss: “I don’t think checking the qualification is sufficient… Just look at Mojo Jojo…”

If you remember him, Mojo Jojo was our parasitic colleague who left to seek for greener pastures (or a bigger host for him to siphon the resources off…). A dick short of a wanker, the epitome of stupidity and retardation. Thank God he left us before we were forced to the verge of committing suicide.

Me: “Touché. That guy has a degree in double E, and yet, he doesn’t know what a fuse is… goddamn…”

Boss: “So, what do you think?”

Me: “I’m ok with the idea.”

And I went on to suggest to get a couple more guys to help plan out the screening criteria - probably not in the form of a questionnaire but, something like a simple test. I was thinking of dumping in a few trigonometry questions, and something that actually tells me of his thinking power… like maybe show him various pictures of excrement from different species of animals, and ask him to identify what type of chocolates they are… etc.

Sad that we have to resort to this but that’s the reality. Any spaz has a qualification nowadays. Modern papers are not given out to the guy who has the right substance anymore, but to the guy who has enough money… if you know what I mean.

There is this girl at Company X. I don’t know her but, I keep finding myself checking her out every morning at the cafeteria. I don’t really know the reason why because she isn’t exactly hot, and she doesn’t have a pair of bouncy titties either (which are usually the main factors that pique my attention). For some strange reasons, I just like to look at her.

But something was very wrong with her this morning that kind of freaked me out. I was scooping up some food at the serving counter when it happened. She was at the other side of the counter and I didn’t quite notice anything at first but, after a while, I noticed that she actually had her eyebrow re-done. And it was FUCKING HIDEOUS. From what I managed to gather (while I was still reeling in from the shock), I suspected she had both her eyebrows shaved off and each of them hand drawn with a marker or something like that. And they were kind of slanted upwards towards the corner of each eye. Yeah, like Mr. Spock of that Star fucking Trek. (if you don’t know who Mr. Spock is, nevermind, just check out the photo below)

Mr.Spock doing the hippy peace sign

I was so distraught by her pair of crazy ass looking eyebrows that I almost had a stroke right there. I really don’t understand why she did her eyebrows like that. It’s not even attractive in the first place. It’s bordering between weird and spooky. If you think this is just me, let me prove it to you here. Just check out the following pictures of the hottest looking actresses of our time, and tell me if they looked more attractive with their eyebrows modified…

Kate Bosworth on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Jessica Biel on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Jessica Alba on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Fucking crazy, isn’t it? With their eyebrows looking like Mr.Spock, they don’t seem to be that attractive anymore. They look more like drag queens more than anything else. As you can see girls, modifying your brows can be such a cockblocker if there’s a slight mistake, and I’d advice you to refrain from touching it unless you know what you’re doing. If you’re even a bit unsure, you should probably leave them alone.

This was something that happened to my colleague, Blake…

Blake was returning from his business travel to India and he was going through the customary security check at the Indian airport. The Bhai officer scanned something of interest in his bag and asked to take a look inside. He obliged with the request and the officer opened his bag to retrieve an object. It was a brass elephant figurine he bought from a street peddler somewhere.

Officer: “Sir, may I ask you what is this?” [holding out the brass elephant figurine]

My friend, albeit nervous, managed to squeeze in a hint of sarcasm in his reply…

Blake: “What do you think this is? This is an elephant.”

Officer: “Why is there a hole under your elephant? Are you hiding drugs inside it?”

There was indeed a hole under the elephant. It wasn’t an anus or anything like that but, my guess was, a trivial product feature. Anyway,

Blake: “I have no idea why is there a hole under this elephant, I bought this thing off the street in [Indian town]”

Officer: “I don’t think this is an elephant. I think this could be a bomb!”

Blake: “Whoaa… whoaa… This is definitely not a bomb! This is just a brass figurine I bought off a street! You can keep it if you want, just let me board the plane!”

Officer: “No, no, we can’t keep it. This figurine belongs to you. We can’t simply take and keep other people’s belongings. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to have to copy down your details and contact, and then I’m going to let you go. But if anything were to happen to the plane, you’re going to hear from us, ok?”

Blake: “But if something were to happen to the plane, won’t I be dead already?”

It was somehow left unanswered but, that has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard… And of course, nothing happened to the plane.