Archive for July, 2008

July 15, 2008

Jude’s plant has everything

See that little green thing up there? It’s Jude’s plant. Remember Jude? The lady with a strong BO who sits in a cube next to mine? Yeah. Her.

I noticed that her little plant has been thriving particularly well over the other side. I don’t know what type of plant it is, but I know I’ve seen dozens of that ilk around, and they’re all very small in size… except Jude’s plant. It looks like it has been fed with some kind of plant steroid or exposed to a tremendous amount of radiation, that it is growing over the cube and is probably trying to outgrow the factory roof or something. And I guess it will be just a matter of time before the plant starts to develop a mind of its own and invite its kudzu friends to invade the office… and we’d then all probably start to see small animals scavenging around.

Anyhow, I have my own theory on why Jude’s plant is so especially big. The reason is, Jude. Yes, I am implying that the plant has been feeding something off Jude that made it so big and strong like that. So what has it been feeding from Jude? A few vital things, I suspect.

Number One – Jude’s armpit. As I have written in the past, Jude perspires heavily and her armpit odor could kill a healthy dog. But for plants, it is a bliss. Her stinking armpits are like the rafflesia flower – it attracts insects… and when a lot of the insects eventually die, they’ll all end up as organic fertilizer for the plant. And I’m also not discounting the possibility that Jude’s armpits are probably emitting airborne particles (dried body salts? proteins?) which could be directly nourishing the plant itself.

Number Two – Jude’s respiration. Jude’s big. She’s about the size of an adult Bengal tiger. With that sheer size of monstrosity, she’s bound to exhale shitloads of CO2 gas around her cube. This means, plenty of ‘fresh air’ for the plant. And for Jude as well, because the plant will get bigger and emits more oxygen. Jude’s size is like, the complementary of the plant. They coexist in the office in a symbiotic relationship. So, as Jude grows, so does the plant.

Number Three – Jude’s reflection. You know, as she grow in size from working too long in office, she also grows fairer from the lack of exposure to sunlight. And the lack of skin pigmentation will cause more light to reflect off her skin, and intensified by her ever increasing skin surface area. More light means, more food for plant – as they’re known to be able to convert light into food in a miraculous process called photosynthesis. More food = higher rate of growth. Quite simple really.

Number Four – Jude’s thermal mass. Now that the plant has enough salt, air and light, the only thing left for it to find utopia is the right temperature. It’s like, 20 fucking degrees in the office. That’s too cold for a simple equatorial type of plant to grow well. But that’s not much of a problem for Jude’s plant – for big Jude herself would have emitted enough body heat to normalize her cube into a quasi glasshouse – thanks to the high amount of greenhouse gas in her cube (see Number Two) – therefore, regulating the ambient temperature in her cubicle.

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So, as you can see, Jude’s plant has everything… it is not surprising at all to see the thing outgrow the rest of the vegetation in the office. Well, either that or simply, Jude has a green finger (or could it be that green fingered people are generally obese and has bad BO? **cues in Twilight Zone music**)

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 11 Comments
July 9, 2008

bored to death

Ever wonder how does a housefly looks like in a close up view? Check this out :

Its abdomen reminded me of the freckled skin of that alien in The Predator. And this dead housefly has more hair than Orlando Bloom… yeesh!
(this housefly has been roaming inside my lab for days, and was found dead this morning by a colleague. Suspected cause of death – extreme boredom and depression…)

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments
July 7, 2008

my lab is haunted

Apparently. This isn’t the first I heard about it but, it kinda climaxed in the past few weeks. Paranormal shit seems to have increased lately for reasons unknown. I didn’t know about it until last week, when I overheard a conversation between Mojo Jojo and a rookie technician in our lab. Curious, I asked Mojo Jojo about it.

Me : “Dude, I overheard Bala told you he saw something weird?”

Bala is that rookie technician.

Mojo Jojo : “Yeah. He was staying back for overtime one day and he saw one of the chairs moved by itself”

You know, those chairs with wheels? It usually wouldn’t be that surprising if a chair with wheels moves by itself. But when it has stayed static for the past 2 hours and then only it moves by itself, that’s not normal. It must be a fucking ghost or something.

Me : “So how did he react to the situation?”

Mojo Jojo : “He abandoned the lab. And for the record here, he said it was your chair that moved.”

Me : “Wow. Should I feel scared now?”

Mojo Jojo : “His was the third case recently. I encountered something weird myself. Like Bala, I was staying back for overtime when I encountered this strange chilling breeze on my neck, and I saw some shadow movements at the corner of my eyes. Spooky shit”

Me : “So did the ghost caress you or anything?”

I was intending to turn that into an obscene joke, but Mojo Jojo saw it coming…

Mojo Jojo : “It licked my balls and gave me a hand job! Hahahh!”

Me : “Yeah, that’s probably gonna happen tonight”

But the discussion turned serious after that. It appears that Elliot had the worst encounter of all – he actually SAW SOMETHING. According to Mojo Jojo, Elliot’s computer crashed and a green colored dick suddenly stuck out and turkey slapped him blackout. Alright I was just kidding. He actually saw the shadow of a kid roaming around the lab and he felt something entering him through the pores of his skin (I’m not making this up!). Like the rest of the unfortunate guys, he made a quick exit and never came back. All three of them lodged a complain to the manager about their own encounter (as if the manager could issue a ‘show cause letter’ to the ghost… ahaks)

Mojo Jojo thinks that these paranormal encounters became more frequent recently due to the demotivated state of mind we’re all in. He concocted a theory that when our morale’s low, we’re letting our guards down and as a result, are more prone to see/encounter these paranormal shit. I don’t know if I could make myself believe that crap but, I was thinking that it has something to do with one’s intellectual level – the less intelligent a person is, the more likely he’s going to see a fucking ghost. So, it’s between Elliot, Mojo Jojo and Bala (Bala is known to have the IQ level of a rat).

But Mojo Jojo could still have a slightest chance of being right. If he’s right, that would mean the petrol hike did not just make our life more difficult with the inflation and stuff but also, made our asses more prone to encounter ghosts and goblins. (life difficult = less money = more overtime = higher risk of seeing a fucking ghost. See my point?)

If that’s the case, I guess the only practical thing left for us to do is claim for the petrol subsidy (through lottery win or something) when we see a ghost… you know, for the unwanted inconvenience of meeting each other. (by hanging around afterdark, we’re probably disrupting their partying schedule – that’s why they’re trying to spook the shit out of us. Hence, it’s only right if we can make a deal with these underworld beings for the benefit of all…)

michaelooi  | happenings  | 10 Comments
July 1, 2008

4 otherwise good songs spoilt by punks and mofo’s

‘I Will Survive’ by Gloria Gaynor
Used to be a great song that gives you a sense of hope and liberating sense, but now, it has become some sort of anthem for defiant teenagers and goth bitches alike. I don’t know if it’s just me but, I noticed that whenever you see a live band playing in a club somewhere, the lead female singer will be bound to sing this ‘I Will Survive’ song. And when this stupid fucking song is being sung, you’ll see hundreds of wenches and sluts lip sync the song with a badass gyrating head – probably dedicating the lyrics to their hairstylist for giving them such a horrific dye and hairstyle… Gloria Gaynor may have found an evergreen niche in history because of the song, but for all the wrong reasons…

‘YMCA’ by Village People
Gay songs of the 80’s are good. But when it comes to tackiness, YMCA is in a league of its own. Think of it this way – if ‘I Will Survive’ is the anthem for motherfucking bitches, then ‘YMCA’ is the male equivalent of it. An anthem for douche bags and posers who pretentiously swig on their brandy diluted with plenty of counterfeit Coke. And I noticed that these are the same type of people who listens to ultra tacky europop groups like Vengaboys, Aqua and China Dolls. This song reminds me of how fucked up our society is… instead of being young and free as it originally intended to portray.

‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Céline Dion
I first heard the song in the movie ‘Titanic’. Though I didn’t like the movie, I somehow liked the uplifting soundtrack very much and this Céline Dion single that came with it. So I bought the ‘Titanic’ soundtrack CD. Big mistake. A few months later, basically every rustic dicks and fitches on the streets of Penang were humming the tune of this song… and there was even a fengtau disco version of it. The radio would give the song an overdose of airtime that it made my ears sting. Now, whenever I hear this song, I’d think of young punks flinging their heads popping ecstasy pills and sucking dicks in alleys… instead of its original sentimental feel. I never played the CD for more than 3 times.

’25 minutes’ by Michael Learns To Rock
I used to like this ’25 minutes’ song, but not anymore. That was after I realized that every dipshit and loanshark in basically each and every local karaoke pubs fancies this song. To them, this is their version of ‘class’ song to show off to their illiterate bumpkin girlfriend that he knows how to belt an English song. Ask any VCD peddler or cellphone dealer (esp. those with filthy overgrown pinkie nail…), what is their favorite English pick when they go for an karaoke outing… it’ll be either be ‘Unchained Melody’ (Ah Chueng Bueh Lo Tee), or ’25 minutes’. Each time I hear this ’25 minutes’, I feel like my intelligence gradually decreases… and if I were to be driving a car at that time, I’d probably hit a bus stop or something…

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Just feel like expressing myself after a tired day…

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 8 Comments