See that little green thing up there? It’s Jude’s plant. Remember Jude? The lady with a strong BO who sits in a cube next to mine? Yeah. Her.

I noticed that her little plant has been thriving particularly well over the other side. I don’t know what type of plant it is, but I know I’ve seen dozens of that ilk around, and they’re all very small in size… except Jude’s plant. It looks like it has been fed with some kind of plant steroid or exposed to a tremendous amount of radiation, that it is growing over the cube and is probably trying to outgrow the factory roof or something. And I guess it will be just a matter of time before the plant starts to develop a mind of its own and invite its kudzu friends to invade the office… and we’d then all probably start to see small animals scavenging around.

Anyhow, I have my own theory on why Jude’s plant is so especially big. The reason is, Jude. Yes, I am implying that the plant has been feeding something off Jude that made it so big and strong like that. So what has it been feeding from Jude? A few vital things, I suspect.

Number One – Jude’s armpit. As I have written in the past, Jude perspires heavily and her armpit odor could kill a healthy dog. But for plants, it is a bliss. Her stinking armpits are like the rafflesia flower – it attracts insects… and when a lot of the insects eventually die, they’ll all end up as organic fertilizer for the plant. And I’m also not discounting the possibility that Jude’s armpits are probably emitting airborne particles (dried body salts? proteins?) which could be directly nourishing the plant itself.

Number Two – Jude’s respiration. Jude’s big. She’s about the size of an adult Bengal tiger. With that sheer size of monstrosity, she’s bound to exhale shitloads of CO2 gas around her cube. This means, plenty of ‘fresh air’ for the plant. And for Jude as well, because the plant will get bigger and emits more oxygen. Jude’s size is like, the complementary of the plant. They coexist in the office in a symbiotic relationship. So, as Jude grows, so does the plant.

Number Three – Jude’s reflection. You know, as she grow in size from working too long in office, she also grows fairer from the lack of exposure to sunlight. And the lack of skin pigmentation will cause more light to reflect off her skin, and intensified by her ever increasing skin surface area. More light means, more food for plant – as they’re known to be able to convert light into food in a miraculous process called photosynthesis. More food = higher rate of growth. Quite simple really.

Number Four – Jude’s thermal mass. Now that the plant has enough salt, air and light, the only thing left for it to find utopia is the right temperature. It’s like, 20 fucking degrees in the office. That’s too cold for a simple equatorial type of plant to grow well. But that’s not much of a problem for Jude’s plant – for big Jude herself would have emitted enough body heat to normalize her cube into a quasi glasshouse – thanks to the high amount of greenhouse gas in her cube (see Number Two) – therefore, regulating the ambient temperature in her cubicle.

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So, as you can see, Jude’s plant has everything… it is not surprising at all to see the thing outgrow the rest of the vegetation in the office. Well, either that or simply, Jude has a green finger (or could it be that green fingered people are generally obese and has bad BO? **cues in Twilight Zone music**)