Archive for July, 2008

July 30, 2008

something strange in the neighborhood

About 40 – 50 production operators went hysteric at Company X this morning – the highest number ever recorded. Over the years, the most ever recorded case of hysteria in Company X was less than 10 at a time. But this morning, it was like hell being broken loose. Those operators went like, batshit crazy and began to scream like they had their clitoris clipped with a nail clipper, all at the same time. Must be quite a scene. I imagined it to be like the movie Dawn of the Dead… you know, mindless undead running amok wrecking properties and killing people. And I can probably amuse myself by jumping in to grab the prettiest chick in the mob, one preferably with the biggest tits and ‘manhandle’ the hysteria out of her (but I know that’s not likely because as far as I’ve noticed, none of them even came close to the term ‘acceptable’ by the lowest standard)

So what was that all about? I don’t fucking know man. I’ve heard rumors flying around that some offerings got stolen from a nearby ‘Datuk Kong’ (some kind of local guardian spirit) shrine and it got them spirits all pissed, and they’re now all out to stir some ruckus (pretty much like that Hindraf assembly). I can understand that. Sometimes when I lost a screwdriver in the lab, I always feel like going postal and kill something. Or at least yell incessantly for a while, just to let it out. If I were to have the power like that of a guardian spirit, you can bet your ass that the advantage would have been abused at that warp of time. And I would have done the exact same thing – retard the productivity of the company until I’m used to the condition without my fucking screwdriver.

But then, if the spirits really have the power to make a human go hysteric and act all loony, why do they choose to harass these innocent operators? Why not those despicable managers or directors? Won’t that be more interesting? I can think of shitloads of creatively fun things to do with them. Lap dance in the cafeteria… masturbating in public… drinking from the toilet bowl… streaking across the scorching hot parking lot… sodomizing the stray iguanas at the creek behind the Company X building… you name it. It’ll make headlines. Things that I don’t understand.

Anyway, I just hope that this will all be over soon (knowing that this is not doing any of us Company X employees any good). My bonus payout depends on the productivity of those bunch of operators, goddamn it.

(poll: do you guys believe in shits like these?)

michaelooi  | happenings  | 17 Comments
July 28, 2008

déjà vu

I was at Mac’s to grab a quick lunch today. A guy who looked like an overweight wookie was taking my order…

fat wookie: “Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?”

Me : “BigMac McValue set. Large. Having here. That’s all.”

After all the fuck ups I had with so many degenerates at various fast food outlets, I tend to cut my crap short nowadays. Life has been fine since, because it is always pleasant to do business with me. Well, except for this fat fucking wookie here. Apparently, he didn’t hear my ‘size’ well…

fat wookie:”Would you like a medium or large set, sir?”

Me: “Errmm… large, please.”

fat wookie: “Medium or large, sir?”

Me: “large.”

fat wookie: “Would you like a medium or large set, sir?”

That was when I got really annoyed.

Me: “Large. LARGE. That’s what I said, right?? LARGE! Is there any other way for me to say it??”

A sense of déjà vu immediately came over me. I’ve had this once. The chocolate sundae incident at Mac’s, remember?

Fucking interns. They can be such an annoying fuck sometimes.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 8 Comments
July 23, 2008

7 wastes of Lean

Last week, I was made to toil through a boring 3 hour lecture session about ‘Lean’, and was introduced to this thing called ‘7 wastes of Lean’… which is all about identifying and classifying non-value added practices into 7 categories, and then reduce them as necessary.

I feel compelled to summarize this up into a less complex way for the benefit of all…

1. Transportation
Transportation incurs aging, and also exposes your product to higher risk of getting damaged.
Example: You set your date at the west side of the town, and when everything boils down to sex, you drive your date home to the east side of town, which is about 1.5 hours (excluding traffic) away. And because the journey is perilous and long, you’re also more likely to get into an accident and that much least likely to have sex with her. This is stupid and it’s definitely a waste.
Idea: Have your date at nearer location. Like, 5 minutes away from the pork zone… or better still, have your date on the bed…

2. Inventory
Cumulated inventory not only hinders productivity, but incurs cost as well.
Example: You’re 10 seconds away from inserting your junk into her vadge. But when you want a condom, you realize that you have to fumble your way through the stash of DVD-R medias, unread MAD magazines and a few dozen cans of dog food which you purchased at a bargain price during a recent grand sale. And your bitch’s denying you entry without protection… You’re in dilemma and totally wasted.
Idea: Don’t stash. Consume only what you need. And do plenty of housekeeping.

3. Motion
Unnecessary movement to get a job done is a waste.
Example: You’re having a steamy session with your girl. While you’re kneading her tits halfway, you go grab yourself a beer and take a leak, and then come back to continue. Just when you’re about to hump her, you ask to be excused again to go borrow a condom from your neighbor. A sex session that should have been filled with fervor and substance, ends up with your girl getting frustrated watching you do cross country exercises across the whole apartment.
Idea: Place all your props and tools strategically throughout your house. Should be a hand stretch distance away…

4. Waiting
Having to wait for a process to complete is a blatant waste of resources.
Example: Your date wears a beautiful 3 layered designer dress. When it comes to getting it on, you took 15 minutes to peel off the top 2 layer, 5 minutes for the third, and another 2 to unhook her bra. Your chick waited for it to end, all the while doing nothing. This is a waste of resources.
Idea: While it is perfectly excusable for a guy to be such a tard when it comes to peeling off crazy designer dresses, it is unforgivable for the girl to sit around waiting to be stripped and doing nothing. The girl should make use of her pair of free hands to give you a prostate massage while you’re dismantling her clothes! Or she can knit a scarf for all we care! Just don’t idle!

5. Overproduction
Doing too much for a specific goal / target.
Example: Spending too much time adjusting the air-cond, cleaning up the bed, fragrancing the room, lighting up candles to set the ambient – before having sex with your date. Your date only wanted a wet and wild night getting penetrated left/right/center, but you wasted her precious time trying to impress her by attempting to boost the mood (when the mood’s already there).
Idea: Just do whatever that is necessary. If she wants sex, fuck her already. Nevermind the curtain, nevermind the ambient. Just give it to her.

6. Overprocessing
Doing non-value things for a specific purpose.
Example:You check your dick for any stray bristle that could puncture the condom before sex. And then just to double make sure, you rub it off with a modeling clay for scratch marks. And then to triple make sure, you spelunk into your girl’s vagina to see if there are any sharp objects inside that could also puncture the condom. But little did you realize that if your condom’s gonna tear (due to poor quality or whatever), it’s gonna tear anyway. Could happen halfway through the pounding. Wasted efforts.
Idea: If your girl doesn’t have gonorrhea, or is not ovulating, you probably do not need a condom in the first place. Know your work. Then work it well.

7. Defects
Anything that is produced defective will be a gross waste.
Example: Imagine yourself spending a hefty amount of hard earned cash just to make an evening perfect for your date, and then comes the sex time, your car breaks down. Frustration ensues and your date leaves. A total tragedy. After all the time, money and effort, all for nothing? A waste indeed.
Idea: Make sure you maintain your ride well, and take a good care of it.

*****

These are suppose to be useful stuff. Now, all you have to do is interpret it your own way and think of how it could help you in your career and shit. You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 8 Comments
July 21, 2008

a bane to humanity

Elliot the fucking idiot – a bane to humanity.

Elliot: “Errr… Michael, may I borrow an external DVD-R from you?”

Michael: “External DVD-R?” (I was dumbfucked. This is like hearing him say that he wants his mom to have a poontang.)

Elliot: “Yes, an external DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “So do you want to borrow a DVD-ROM drive? Or a DVD-R media?”

Elliot: “I’m sorry, I meant a DVD-ROM drive”

Michael: “What do you want it for?”

Elliot: “I needed the CD-ROM drive to install an operating system for this notebook here…”

Michael: “Fuck you Elliot. A CD-ROM drive? I thought you said you wanted a DVD-ROM drive?? What the fuck do you want exactly??”

Elliot: “A DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “Do you even know the difference between the 3 commodities?? A DVD-ROM, DVD-R and CD-ROM? What kind of a dumbass are you??”

Elliot the fucking idiot, with a degree in Engineering, and a pursuant of MBA – doesn’t know the difference between a DVD-ROM, DVD-R media and a fucking CD-ROM drive. Motherfucker’s a disgrace to the profession… and a bane to humanity.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
July 17, 2008

violated in the ass

I don’t understand – why would someone report that he was ‘sodomized’, instead of being ‘raped’? I mean, you don’t just simply open up your bunghole to let any Dick or Harry access it, right? It’s not easy to have access to someone’s ass. Even most chicks won’t consent anal sex, what more a straight guy?

And I’m sure we all have our pants on all the time, save for only times when we want to take a dump/bath, to have sex or perhaps, get ready to be fucked in the ass by some homesexual stud. It’s not like it can happen easily just like that. It takes a lot to be able to access someone’s ass. But this chap who made a police report against Anwar for ‘sodomizing’ him… made it sound like it was as easy as seeing someone flipping him a bird. I don’t recall reading anything about Anwar forcing on him, or rough-handled him to submission, etc etc. That chap just alleged he was ‘sodomized’. Something’s not right here. It’s definitely just a part of a bigger agenda.

My take on this is, 4 possible scenarios that I can think of:
1) Anwar and this Saiful guy are gay lovers. They fuck each other occasionally. But things went wrong between them which involves Anwar wanting Saiful harmed. Fearing for his life, this Saiful went to the police station and claimed he was violated in the ass by Anwar. — possible, but unlikely. Even if Anwar’s really gay, he probably wouldn’t choose to have sex with another guy at times like this – when he’s flying high in his life and this close to become the next PM of Malaysia.

2) It’s a ploy by Anwar’s political adversaries to undermine his popularity and position. Somebody paid Saiful a handsome amount of moolah – a couple millions? that’s a lot for a dropout – and have him drag Anwar into the legal quagmire, which would be enough to prevent him from becoming the next PM by September. — likelihood high. I mean, if you’re powerful, rich and influential, and some guy is out to take that away from you, what would you do? Like an alpha male baboon, you’d do anything to prevent that from happening. ANYTHING. I’d do that if my stakes are that fucking high. We’re talking about the access to millions here friends. I’d just need to pay a high school dropout to do exactly the same thing Saiful did, to bolster up my position. (furthermore, this Saiful guy did meet a few government officials prior getting violated in the ass… as alleged. Fishy…)

3) The whole thing’s a show. Saiful and Anwar are on the same side, and they’re making this whole thing up to make it look like it is #2 above, thus, making the Barang Naik government even more unpopular. Rubbing salt into their ailing wounds, or something like that. — a bit far fetched and Hollywoodish, but somewhat possible. Anwar’s been pummeled like a shitfuck 10 years ago. Now he has a chance to take on the behemoth Barang Naik government, he’d make sure they fall hard and probably would do anything to make sure they stay the fuck down forever.

4) The aliens are behind this. — None of this makes sense. It has to be the aliens. No shit.

If you have your own theory on what is happening, feel free to share.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 15 Comments