I was having my lunch with a friend at a chicken rice joint today, when my guy radar detected a strong signal of ‘pretty young thing’ about to enter the premise. And indeed there was one. The subject was a slender and decent attired young girl, was entering the place when I spotted her. I didn’t quite see her face at first so, my initial quick assessment of her looks was ‘not bad’. But then, that opinion quickly changed when I finally got to see the girl’s face. She was with a set of buckteeth, so out of proportion that I couldn’t see her lower lips. Goddamn.

That actually kind of got me thinking, why do some of us have buckteeth and why some of us don’t? Is it because of some unknown biological reasons? Or are they just unfortunate cases of randomly acquired mutation from unbalanced diet or environmental pollution? The mystery beckons for answers, but I have my own take on that. I came up with a few theories while I was wolfing down a few pieces of chicken… Here they are:

A) Evolution – improved respiratory system
1) Our air is fast becoming filthier. Filthier means, more particles for our nasal hairs to filter and it won’t take long before our nostrils get clogged up with boogers. If a person does not clear his/her nose frequent enough, that person may find himself/herself breathing less air than required (i.e. lack of oxygen). We know lack of oxygen affects the cognitive function of the human brain and causes erratic behavior.
2) Hence, cometh the buckteeth. The buckteeth is an evolution on the human respiratory system, where the buckteeth would outgrow the upper lips to force open the mouth naturally, therefore, allowing more air/oxygen to enter the lungs – eliminating the problem mentioned in (1). The small fissures between the buckteeth would act like a natural filter in place of the nasal hairs, to prevent excessive particles from entering through the mouth. (refer to illustration).
3) There would be little risk of infection, since anything that escaped the teeth-fissure filter would likely end up in our digestive system and eventually purged out as excrement/shit. (our saliva also acts like natural antiseptic).

B) Evolution – adaptation to diet
1) A lot of girls are known to adopt strict vegetarian diet to attain the illusion of having a slim and chiseled body. If you have been paying attention to your studies, you would know that another word for organism that consumes plants as their primary diet is ‘herbivore’.
2) Those girls that went rogue and started to consume plants, they kind of strayed out from the main tree of human evolution to become a herbivore.
3) The bone structure of a herbivore is unlike a human’s. Most of them have muzzles and protruded long incisors which enable them to graze at plain fields or meadows. You can imagine a horse. Without a long face and protruded front teeth, a horse would face a lot of difficulty grazing on any flat ground. You get the idea. For buckteeth in humans, they could also be used to scrape up fruit contents or cut vegetation without having the need to use a knife.
4) Girls with buckteeth, I suspect, are at their initial stage of evolving into a herbivore. Given enough time, their ilks will grow a muzzle, a tail and probably chew their own cud. If your girlfriend has a set of buckteeth and neighs during the climax of her orgasm, don’t be surprised. She’s probably in the process of changing into a horse (or pony, if she’s short).

C) Evolution – self defense
1) With so many sex offenders on the prowl nowadays, it is only logic that the weaker sex starts to develop its own special countermeasure traits to insure its survival.
2) The girls could grow stronger and more aggressive, maybe as strong and aggressive as the males. But that’s very unlikely. That’s because in order for that to happen, they must have the testosterone hormone. To produce their own testosterone hormone, they would need a sack of nuts. But we all know if that happens, we human species will most definitely face the threat of extinction. That’s because straight guys would cringe at the thought of their girlfriends having a sack of nuts for them to cup. So, the only thing left for them to evolve without really jeopardizing the equilibrium of nature is to have a set of really badass teeth. Buckteeth. That way, the girls won’t have to grow a sack of balls to be tough.
3) This is just like some species of baboons that I saw on National Geographic channel, where the alpha male would bare its set of teeth to show strength and dominance. I believe this buckteeth works the same way. When a girl with buckteeth feels threatened, she’ll open up her mouth to bare her buckteeth and the perpetrator would have to think twice before doing anything stupid.

D) Evolution – enhanced sexual gratification
1) For guys, that is. Girls nowadays have been giving so much blowjobs, that their teeth are starting to grow outwards, lending its cavity to grow downwards to big giant dicks. (this is like the opposite of fitting a set of braces to keep them straight).
2) With longer jutted buckteeth, the guy’s pubic hair will be automatically ‘brushed’ aside by the teeth in motion, reducing the risk of pubic hair choking hazard. Also, it’ll keep the pubic hair region an offset distance away from the blower’s nose – making her less likely to catch an unexpected pubic odor from the guy’s pubic hair. You can imagine her buckteeth is like an automatic offset comb or something (or the V-shaped front bumper of a steam locomotive – I don’t know what it is called)
3) The protruded buckteeth also provides additional scraping action, resulting extra sensation of her male counterpart in the fellatio, subsequently improving the relationship. In this theory, I’m imagining the buckteeth as an object to attract prospective male partners, just like the animals – eg. proboscis monkeys with big phallic nose, peacock with colorful feathers, etc.

*****
Of course these are just theories. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t have a PhD. And I didn’t spend a single cent to come up with all these (as opposed to a proper research, which could take a lot of resources and money). But then, I might just be right…