Archive for May, 2008

May 12, 2008

beruk gatal

Saw this piece in the news today. Read it, it’s funny.

KEMAMAN: Villagers in Kampung Pangkalan Binjai here are not amused by the antics of a group of macaques which hassle only the women folk.

Frustrated villagers call the apes “beruk gatal” (cheeky apes) and are laying traps to catch them. The villagers said the monkeys had attacked eight women in recent months, apart from stealing food. They would flee when they see men.

The monkeys timed their invasion into the houses at hours when the men were out at work.

Grandmother Mariam Jusoh said the apes had tried to attack her several times and had destroyed many of her pineapple crop.

The 72-year-old said the animals were big and aggressive and they have sharp claws. Attempts to just shoo away the animals were futile. “These animals enter our homes and ransack for food, littering the kitchen floor,” she said.

A mother of three, Maimunah Hassan, 43, encountered these apes when she was returning home from a grocery shop last week.

She heard wolf whistles and turned around, assuming some youngsters were being rude.

“I was startled to see a group of apes heading toward me,” she related.

She started to run and the apes pursued her. She managed to enter the house without getting hurt.

Terengganu Wildlife and National Park director Rozidan Md Yasin said the department had received numerous complaints about these apes. “They are from the mangrove areas and jungles. The ones disturbing the women were probably once reared by humans. Once they are released back into the wild, they might look for women again, maybe because they were fed by women when held captive,” he said. [source]

Wolf whistle. I didn’t know apes can wolf-whistle. I wonder where did they learn that from. I guess it must be from their closest cousins, the Mat Rempits or perhaps some of the politicians that went on national tv some weeks back.

“Feeeewittttt! ouhh woo ooh uhuhu”.

Man, that had me in stitches.

Must be heck of a boner for that grandma who made this headline. I mean, she was expecting some ‘youngsters’ from that wolf whistle, but it turned out to be apes. I don’t think it would be flattering for most women when they pique interests from apes. I mean, can you imagine that? Some hairy shit monkey finds you attractive and would like to make you his wife? Goddamn!

And by the way, I don’t think ‘beruk gatal‘ should be translated as ‘cheeky monkey’… In my opinion, ‘cheeky’ is usually associated to insolent little tykes or cute petite girls. But when a group of monkeys wolf whistle a defenseless old woman, you call them dirty old men politicians ‘horny monkeys’, or ‘lecherous apes’.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 2 Comments
May 8, 2008

squeeze your tits

oh my fucking god i just saw a name called “Teh Lee Ling”. Do you guys know what that fucking means?? It means – Squeeze your tits – in Hokkien! I was laughing so hard, that my sphincter violently puckered and I almost had a stroke!

FUCK! I mean, what was that poor girl’s parents thinking lah? Knowing that their surname’s “Teh”, they should have refrained from using “Lee” for the middle name because it would naturally means “squeeze your…” as the prefix for the given name (a Chinese name typically has 3 parts, the family name at the front, followed by a middle and the actual given name). Any given name added to that “Teh Lee” would have sounded as absurd. Eg. “Teh Lee Lan” would mean squeeze your dick. “Teh Lee Pong” would mean squeeze your cooter. “Teh Lee Pah” would mean squeeze your balls. Goddamn.

So, be savvy. Don’t make the same mistake like Lee Ling’s (your tits’) parents. [wipes tears]
If you ever run out of idea on what to name your newborn, just grab any name off the characters in Star Wars, it would definitely still sound better than ‘Squeeze Your Tits’.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 8 Comments

“Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead” (2007)

what is it about?
A robbery goes wrong for 2 brothers, and everything else follow suit from thereon.

the plot?
2 brothers, in dire need of money, plots a plan to rob their parents’ jewelery store. It is suppose to be perfect. The elder brother, who is the original mastermind, has to delegate the job to the junior (Ethan Hawke) due to some unforeseen circumstances. But the junior being a chicken shit he is, gets a friend to help him out. Come robbery day, everything go wrong. The friend is killed and shoots their mom in the stick up. Plenty of dramas ensue, with one event leading to another, and the flick would pan back and forth the storyline revolving around the robbery event…

likes
– the staggered way of revealing the plot. It was like a story being told in point form. Kinda liked it that way.
– plenty of Marisa Tomei nude scenes. Her role’s redundant yes, but why should I complaint if she’s showing us her hot perky tits?
– the believable acting from each and every cast in the flick (well, except Marisa Tomei… I doubt anyone’s giving a shit about her acting…)

dislikes
– the scene of Phillip Seymour Hoffman porking Marisa Tomei doggy style burned a painful image in my brain. It’s like watching a bestiality porn, you know? Marisa Tomei having sex with an albino hippo? Fuck. It’s tragic. (I’m pretty sure this must be a request from Phillip Seymour Hoffman himself, the scene’s like totally unnecessary…)
– nobody did Marisa justice by grabbing her beautiful tits (what the fuckkkk!??)
– the ending’s a bit of a disappointment.

spoilers
– Marisa won’t show us her beaver.
– Phillip Seymour Hoffman dies in the end.

rating
The flick’s worth a watch. I’d give it a 7/10 with Marisa’s bare naked ass thrown in…

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
May 6, 2008

‘the moment’

Regine did something dumb today and I was sharing the story with Emily,

Me: “When you were taking your bath just now, Regine took a dinosaur and bit a part of its peel off…”

Emily: [gives me this weird look]

Me: “Her expression instantly changed, into something like this [shows idiotic face]… ha ha ha, it was so funny. You know how bitter these dinosaur peels can be, right? That was just so silly of her.. ahaa haa hakss”

Emily: [gives me this even weirder look, that was when I realize why]

Me: “Oh my god, did I just say ‘dinosaur’ peel??”

Emily: [nods…]

Me: “Shittt! What is wrong with me?? I actually wanted to say ‘orange peel’ goddamn it!”

I had ‘the moment’ there. You know ‘the moment’? ‘The moment’ is the moment you discover that you have been unconsciously acting like a retard, and to realize that there is nothing you can do to redeem that lost self esteem. (but I was nevertheless… felt thankful, that this didn’t actually happen on our first date or something like that…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 11 Comments
May 5, 2008

ThankyouforcallingCompanyXhowmayIhelpyou?

I made a phone call to Company X technical support hot line a few days ago, and was greeted by this douche bag who spoke super fucking fast in English…

“ThankyouforcallingCompanyXhowmayIhelpyou?”

That was the first line which I managed to grasp, but I was completely lost for the remaining of the conversation. I had to actually ask that douche some questions back to confirm what he said, and even that, I had to hard guess what he meant by spotting the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ along the torrent of high speed verbal machine gun.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered people like this douche bag here. I’ve met many fast food restaurant operators who spoke like that.

“GoodeveningsirhowmayIhelpyou?”
“Errr, one medium set of double cheese burger and a chocolate sundae please.”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“Errrmmm, having here, whatever”
“sirwehavefreecondomspromotionsifyouorderextrafriesblablablabla?”
[grabs operator and toss her head first into the kitchen]

Most of the time, I find these fast-speaking people incoherent – probably because the speed of their speech supersedes the time needed for their brain to think. Or perhaps, they have a brain too small to even think at all, and hence, the need to speak super ultra fast to confuse up the listener (I can’t think of a better explanation…)

michaelooi  | rantings  | 6 Comments