Archive for May, 2008

May 31, 2008

“An American Crime” (2007)

what is it about?
True story of a child abuse cum homicide case in America. (the previously reviewed fictional film “The Girl Next Door” was based on this true story)

the plot?
2 sisters were sent by their estranged parents to live at the home of a lady (the perpetrator) whom they acquainted from the church. Laden with poverty and desperate for money to feed her kids, the lady agreed to take in both the girls with a fee from the girls’ constant traveling parents (carnival workers of some sort). But when the parents were late on their payment, the lady started to channel her depression and angst onto one of the girls… starting with some minor abuses, into inhumane tortures, and eventually, leading to the girl’s death. It was pretty sick stuff.

– Nil

– The killer being portrayed as an attractive and sympathetic character. Unfortunately, I’ve read the the story before watching this movie. Gerty Baniszewski in real person, looks like an exhumed corpse of an opium addict and nothing like Catherine Keener.
– I did not like the way the tortures were presented in this flick. It was not detailed enough. The real Gerty did a lot of pretty nasty things to that girl back then. I think it is kind of an injustice by not revealing the complete truth here.
– the dramatic twist to the whole storyline was not good for me. The part where Sylvia seeing herself dying was totally unnecessary. The participation of Gerty’s children on the crime was grossly under-portrayed. etc.
– I didn’t like the way the story was told in a truncated manner (panning between present and past). It made me lost the sense of time, and it was as if the whole ordeal happened on the same day.

– the flick was too fucking boring to have spoilers.

The flick’s boring. I reckon that the producer was trying to put some depth in Baniszewski’s character, which I think was lame. I had much stronger feelings watching “The Girl Next Door” compared to this. 4/10

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
May 28, 2008

the ape’s leaving

Mojo Jojo lumbered into the lab today and announced overtly that he had tendered his resignation. The news garnered very little reaction from the team, until I asked him about it…

“So, Mojo Jojo… when is your last day here?”

He suddenly lit up like a dog hearing its owner’s whistle. He would have wagged his tail if he had one.

“I will be here until end of July”, he said… rather smugly.

“What the fuck?? End of July?? Why so long??”

He immediately stopped wagging his virtual tail and sulked as if he had learned that his owner is about to spay/neuter his ass…

“Hey, what do you mean by ‘why so long’? Am I really that detestable to you?”

“Yeah. Haven’t you figure that out already?”

“Man, I told the boss that you’ve been my best mentor… looks like I’ve made a mistake…”

“Yes you apparently have.”

“I understand that all the scoldings you gave me were for my own good, but…”

“So, you want some scoldings now? It’s for your own good… Just say it man. Just say it.”

He didn’t stay to say another word, but skedaddled into his shithole to get out of my view.

Call me cruel but, I see his departure as a bliss. Getting rid of him is the best thing that can ever happen to our workgroup. For the team, it means less humiliating episode on the world stage. For me, it means less moronic boner trails to clean up. It’s a good thing. But perhaps the best thing of all, is this guy chose to end this by his own will, saving himself some grace and respect. It would have been ugly if he were to be terminated by the company. Not bad for someone with the intelligence of a toolbox.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 7 Comments
May 26, 2008

Undurlah, kanneh

I don’t know if this is just me but, I have noticed that lately, asking people to resign seems to be the trendiest thing to do. Everybody is doing it. Leftists. Old farts. NGOs. Nationalists. Shitbags. Just every shrimps and crabs you can find around. Everyday I switch on my puter to read some news, there are bound to be headlines of someone being asked to resign (or be sacked). It has become a national duty of sorts to ask people to resign. It makes one look important and patriotic I reckon…

Not wanting to be left out (and partly because I’m a patriotic guy), I feel compelled to do this now – I’m asking someone to resign. The person I have in mind, is the guy who thinks school uniforms are sexy. I don’t know who is the guy (I don’t really give a shit anyway)… but, I think that guy is pretty stupid. You see, when a girl’s sexy, she’s gonna stay sexy no matter what she wears… (imagine Jessica Biel). She can wear a school uniform, a baju kurung, or even a baju hujan, it doesn’t matter. She is still going to look the same. She is going to look sexy in EVERYTHING. So, should we ban every fucking thing that Jessica’s gonna wear? The next thing we know, she’s going to be naked dude… (not that it’s a bad thing).

Same thing goes for the opposite. An ugly girl will stay ugly no matter how sexy she wears. Old people will stay old even if they wear a school uniform. And how do you explain goats? Do you people even know that hundreds of domestic animals are getting raped every year in Malaysia alone? (the farmers, goddamnnn!) Why isn’t there any nincompoop from the government propose for animals to be fully clothed already? As you probably have realized, the issue here is not about the clothing at all. It’s the mentality of the people. People are just sick enough that they’d rape anything that can satisfy their whims and fetishes.

So, I hold resolute to the call, I want the retard who thinks that school uniforms are too sexy to resign. And people, get your kids away from this guy (if you know him), now that you know he has a fetish for kids in school uniforms… (someone probably should hide a bear trap in a school uniform, and leave it inside his lawn).

Now I have done my civic duty as a patriotic citizen. Have you? Do you want anyone to resign today?

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 10 Comments
May 20, 2008


I was buying lunch the other day and I noticed that the guy who was frying my noodles, had a long fingernail grown on his pinkie. It was greenish hue in color and was filled with enough filth to make a worm a very happy invertebrate. Definitely wasn’t a very comforting sight. That prompted me to think, why do people want to grow long fingernails on their pinkies? If you’ve been observant enough, you’d notice that a lot of these people (with long fingernails on their pinkies) are usually Chinese blokes. Most of them rustic and old.

Now, why is that? Some say it is some kind of a symbol to mark the wealth and status of a person. In the old days, if one is rich and wealthy, he’d have the luxury to keep long fingernails – to let others know that he is an elite and doesn’t have to work hard. Or something like. But that’s a bit of a far fetched theory ain’t it? The guy I saw, fries noodle for a living. If he’s rich, he’d be all dressed up like a pimp somewhere else now, right? That must not be the main reason.

Then somebody told me that it is grown as a sign of seniority and wisdom. You know, the longer the fingernail on your pinkie is, the older and wiser you are? I think that is a bullshit too. I have a friend who used to grow a fucking long pinkie fingernail and he was just in his 20’s back then. It used to be his most prized attribute (for reasons unknown). His then girlfriend (now ex) once asked him to clip off the hideous fingernail, and he immediately dumped her without a second thought. He later quipped “She can ask me to stop boozing, cut my hair short or even ask me to behave like a wuss. But she would be too crazy to ask me cut my fingernail!” I think my friend’s case kinda nulled the hypothesis (side note to you control freak girls: Your boyfriend can give you a thousand romantic reasons on why he loves you, but only needs one incoherent reason to dump your fucking ass off his life)

Finally, the most popular one – as a convenient extension to clean your nose and ears. Quite… but, I don’t think this is entirely plausible either. Let’s be honest here, how many of you actually pick your nose with your pinkie? I don’t know but, not me. For me, the pinkie is not the best choice of finger to pick my nose. I usually use my index (size of finger is my least concern, because both my nostrils are expandable to the girth of my index). You see, picking a nose can be quite a complex maneuver and requires a certain level amount of dexterity. Therefore, I don’t think our pinkies are good enough to do this kind of job. I attest this with experience. There was once I tried to pick my nose with my pinkie (fortunately, trimmed), accidentally scraped one of the veins in my nostril and resulted a profuse nose bleed. I can only imagine how hazardous it would be to insert a pinkie with long fingernail into one’s nostril so, I don’t think that it is the main reason people growing long pinkie fingernails…

So, what is it? Why do people want to keep long fingernails on their pinkies? I still have no idea man. The only thing I know is, long pinkie fingernails were extremely popular amongst ancient Chinese eunuchs… (they probably used them to sexually stimulate their fake pundek, who knows…) That’s about as wretched as it can leave you to imagine the rest. Ergo, if Uncle Michael ever meet any guy with long pinkie fingernails, that guy’s definitely not gonna get to date his daughter Regine…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 13 Comments
May 15, 2008

The Bitch Tigress of the Orient

There is this lady manager in Company X, known for her fiery temper and assiduous characteristics. She excels in her work, is objective driven and is very well liked by the top management. Hell, she was even given a personalized epithet by our western counterparts – ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’. Now this ‘Bitch Tigress’ might seem successful in her career and stuff, but there is one side of her that does not seem to complement the success well. Her looks.

Yes, her looks. She is still a spinster for that very obvious reason. She is so frigging ugly that if it wasn’t for the laws of physics, we all would have been petrified by her presence alone. When she’s around, flowers would wither, food would turn bad and small animals would die. She is one hell of a cursed motherfucking creature walking on Earth for reasons unknown to mortal men.

A couple days ago, I was unfortunate enough to be spotted by ‘Bitch Tigress’, when I was whacking my lunch alone at the Company X cafeteria. She was by herself, and was probably looking for a company to chat or something but, I was unlucky enough to be in proximity. She asked if she could join me in my table… I so wanted to ask her to fuck off and leave me alone, but I couldn’t. That is because in the corporate world, we are all bound by this invisible force of courteousness (alright, I was fucking scared of her), so I said yes, why not, she can certainly join me. But I knew I was in for a really difficult time.

She attempted to chat up, but I would just give her the same standard “yeah?” and “Yeah” reply. I wasn’t really into it because I just wanted to finish my food fast and get the fuck out of there. But for some strange reasons, it became quite an uphill task. Every spoonful of my rice tasted just weirder and weirder – until I finally realized that it was so because the beef patty on my plate was spoilt (see ‘food would turn bad’ above). Mein Gott Himmel!!

And that was when I also noticed that the ‘Bitch Tigress’ was eating like a pig. She had food spilling over the edge of her plate and also from her mouth. In fact, there was a grain of rice stuck right above her upper lip while she happily munched her fried chicken boisterously. It was distracting. The piece of rice seemed to have a life of its own, like it was trying to climb up from her upper lip into her nostril for a cave spelunking adventure. I was thinking of whether to tell her about that grain of rogue rice, but a part of me wanted to see if it actually would made it all the way up into her fucking nose so… Anyway, it didn’t. It eventually flew out together with the rest of the projectiles from her mouth during her eloquent speech.

The whole episode lasted a little less than 10 minutes before I took a hasty leave, but I have to admit, it was the longest of 10 disturbing minutes for me, for I have never seen such an utter female slob in my life before. I mean, how could a female be at such unrefined state that would disgust even a guy?

You might say that it’s impossible but, I have met such person before – ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’.

Leave me your contact if she’s your type.

michaelooi  | characters  | 14 Comments