Archive for March, 2008

March 16, 2008

I’m sorry

I’m sorry people, but it wasn’t me. I did not vote for those bunch of self centered greedy parasites (you know who they are).

How bout you?

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 6 Comments
March 14, 2008

Banal Nincompoops

I don’t know about you people but, I noticed that there has been a flurry of VIPs coming out to make really inane statements to mitigate the coalition’s embarrassing performance in the 2008 general election. I’ve taken the trouble to compile this up…

Datuk Seri Rafidah Aziz
Barisan Nasional should conduct a post-mortem on the shocking losses in the 12th general election

Datuk Seri Mohd Ali Rustam
post-mortem would be carried out to determine the cause of the losses here including the effects of an increase in opposition representation in the state legislature.

Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi
Barisan Nasional will appoint an independent panel to do a post- mortem of the results of the 12th general election

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein
The Barisan Nasional has to be introspective and assess what caused it to lose several states and seats in the general election

Datuk Seri Ong Ka Ting
we will conduct a very thorough and in-depth study into all the factors that led to such results.

Datuk Seri Zainuddin Maidin
The political tsunami that occurred during the general election provides an important lesson to Umno and the national leaders

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah
The Umno supreme council must do its homework soon to find the root causes of these problems and weed them out before it is too late

I was like DUHHHHHH! Like, where have they been lah??
This is akin to, being hit by a train and not knowing
a) what hit them
b) why were they hit

I wonder what else do they need, another 3 billion ringgit of tax money to set up a royal commission to investigate the root cause of their loss? This is ludicrous man.

Speaking of being ludicrous, there’s another nincompoop that beckons for some attention today. Here, read this:

Call to scrap mega projects

PENANG: The state Umno will “persuade” the Federal Government to scrap all the mega projects in the state in view of the people’s clear rejection of Barisan Nasional.

Since Penangites do not want development, the Federal Government should not force it on them, said state Umno liaison committee secretary Datuk Azhar Ibrahim.

He said that this was not Penang Umno taking revenge “but we are actually giving the people what they want”.

“They voted for change, so let us see what the DAP can do,” he said after the party’s emergency meeting at Menara Umno yesterday.

Azhar, who is Penaga assemblyman, was appointed the state Opposition Leader at the meeting.

Meanwhile, Umno liaison committee deputy chief Datuk Abdul Rashid Abdullah hit out at the new administration for its decision not to practise the New Economic Policy (NEP).


This guy actually thinks that we Penangite didn’t vote Barisan Nasional because we do not want development. We must have wanted to go naked and live on trees all these while. Unfuckingbelievable, isn’t it? This coming from a Datuk.

Clearly, all those Datuks don’t get it. Good news for them is, they don’t really need to spend a single cent to find out why they lost so many seats in the general election. The answer’s just a few clicks away, if only they know how to Google. Well if they don’t, they can refer the following points:
Barisan Nasional kalah banyak kerusi kerana 4 faktor:
Rasuah (Corruption)
Angkuh (Arrogance)
kurang Kompetensi (Incompetency)
kurang Pintar (Stupidity) – see quoted article above for example.

There. No more mystery now.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 10 Comments
March 12, 2008

girls that turn me off

Work was light today, so I decided to spend some time to compile a list of ‘top 5 types of girls that fucking turn me off’. The list is not in particular order (but they’re all as equally detestable to me as a maggot infested piece of shit…)

- girls who think they’re tough just because they’ve been fucked by gangsters before.
I’ve met girls like that. Dissembling around like they’re some tough bitch, just because they’ve been slammed by numerous scumbags. They’ll quote their dramatic pasts (mostly exaggerated) literally in every conversation, and would take every opportunity to lead her pack of friends to be critical at virtually anything she finds unsatisfactory. Eg. blaming every guy on this planet for everything.
If you’re one of these people, I have one message for you – GO FUCK YOURSELF! Experience and wisdom do not transfer through cum, and especially not from scumbags, thugs and hoodlums. You’re just another bitch who had sucked a lot of filthy dicks and took some pounding at your poontang… and THAT won’t make you any tougher or smarter.

- girls who think they can disguise themselves as a guy by dressing up as a guy, talk like a guy and act unrealistically tough.
As much as I dislike effeminate blokes, I hate girls that act tough just because they can’t stop telling the whole world that she’s a fucking tomboy. I tell you what, fitches, you’re still a twat no matter how well you can concoct an act or dress up like a guy. We see through you and you’re fucking detestable. I once saw an unmistakable bitch who wore a leather jacket sported with a heavily gelled or waxed crew cut. She talked loudly in her best impression of what resembled a guttural deep voice, which sounded kind of weird to me (I could hear her at the restaurant because she was so annoyingly loud), with her legs up on the chair and all that. The funny thing was, she had these huge motherfucking tits and failed miserably at hiding them, and she was about 4 feet something in height. WHAT THE FUCK INDEED! How I wished I could turkey slap her with my schlong and let that fucking poser know what substance does it take to become a real guy…
Real tomboys don’t act up stuff like that. They dress up decently, have high self esteem and make full use of their education to be a refined person they ought to be. (hint: being a guy is not about the fucking attitude, bitch.)

- girls who can’t get enough of taking pictures and taking pictures only
It is ok if one is obsessed with taking pictures. I’m obsessed with taking pictures myself too. But not over-obsessed like crazy, you know what I mean? What do you make of a person who takes picture at basically everything? A fucking annoying cunt. I was unfortunate enough to get acquainted with such an individual before. The bitch would take pictures of everything she happens to come across – amenities, static objects like phone booths and potted plants, stray animals, everything that moves or don’t. A casual outing to the restaurant would yield her an SD card full of digital pictures. If you talk to her, she’s gonna take a picture of you talking. If she is in the scene of a bank robbery, she’d be too busy to mind her own safety because she’d be snapping pictures away. It was like, the cunt’s trying to document every fucking second of her pathetic life with that darn digital camera.
You just can’t enjoy having people like that as company, be it a friend or a lover. Having them around would be annoying and uncomfortable, because they would make everything so unnaturally not enjoyable… People like them deserve to have stones in their kidneys.

- girls who wear that smug label for whatever reason
Girls who think that the world is a stage with the spotlights on them, who don’t believe in diplomacy, who think that they have the biggest pussy in the universe, etc. Their needs are always accompanied with the inclination of clinging to their rich and glamorous friends, or people whom they think can yield them some extra attention. If not visiting a pedicure/manicure/fuckingcure parlor, they are usually found hanging out at upmarket caf├ęs and bistros just for the sake of being seen there (whilst their financial being might not be that flexible for that kind of lifestyle). I encountered many of them before and I tell you, they come from all walks of life. From bona fide high level execs to phony over-the-counter service clerks. They’re like a disease, that feeds on the sheer pleasure of treating other people like crap and being a self absorbing cockblock. Usually, karma would have it that they’d get disproportionately laden with cellulite in the postnatal stage when they get to have their own family (if they ever get to have one), which would then likely make them suffer an advanced stage of depression and eventually fucking commit a suicide by swallowing a few dozen bottles of contraband slimming pills…

- girls who can’t get over a failed relationship and cause a nuisance
I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of tales about deals gone bad in a break up episode. Seemingly normal girls who can’t take the failure of a relationship well and end up transforming into a walking disaster. A friend of mine once dumped his then girlfriend, only to have her hounding him at his phone every frigging night. That crazy bitch even told him on the phone that she has terminal stage cancer and is about to die – just so that my friend would come out to meet her for one final time. (which of course my friend did not. The bitch was probably plotting to stab him or something). Bizarre is the word, I know, but my point is, these people are the type of girls that would do anything to prevent the relationship from ending. From being a sore loser, to being a nuisance. And they usually contradict their own fucking attitude prior breakup – they did nothing to make the relationship work, but would do ANYTHING drastic to stop it from ending. From spreading lies and rumors, to spoiling others’ relationships… they’re like a drowning flea-bag, that would pull anyone that happens to come close enough into the water with them. Cheap and desperate. Totally despicable.
Thank god I never hooked with such wretched creatures before. It’ll be a traumatic experience.


I wonder why God wants to have these people around. Man he could have created more cockroaches I don’t fucking care. But why them? Sheesh.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 9 Comments
March 8, 2008

democratic action party

The DAP boys did it. Nice.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
March 6, 2008

bitter memories : classroom duty incident (part II)

*this is a continuation from the previous entry… *

Now, a little bit about our principal – ‘Brother Casimir’ was a name that brought tremendous fear back in those days. Though he wasn’t really the incumbent discipline enforcer and rarely made appearances around the classroom areas, rumor had it that he once appeared out of nowhere to grab a boy for misbehaving and gave him the nastiest whack ever on the ass. It was said that the cane whack seared so deep, that the poor boy couldn’t sit upright for days. Although I suspected the tale was probably a product of exaggeration as it traveled from mouth to mouth, I did notice that Bro Casimir indeed brought about an enigmatic aura of trepidation around him. He had the stench of a very dangerous man.

Maybe it was his macabre look, I don’t know. With a pair of deep dark eyes, protruded forehead, hooked nose and one side of crispy thin lopsided hind ear – it wouldn’t be surprising at all if one suspects that he was somewhat a cross between a nosferatu and that pesky pet rat of Jabba the Hutt. People were naturally scared of him. Especially us schoolkids. Whenever he passes by a classroom, one could notice the instant effect. The whole class would go quiet and silence would follow wherever he went. Words would travel fast from classrooms to the next, that “Brother is coming!” and everyone would perk the fuck up and be at their best behavior. Dicks would shrivel and sphincters pucker. And I reckon if there was to be a dog around, it would probably bite its own balls to commit suicide the moment Brother appears, no shit. (alright, that was just an exaggeration…)

So, this fearsome white wizard was standing before me, his white pulpit robe flowing, white hair glistening… but his eyes were fiery red. I’d never seen him so fucking mad before. He grabbed my puny arm and dragged me to the corridor and started to hurl a tirade of batshit angry rebuke at me. I couldn’t understand a single thing he said then because

a) I was too busy being scared shitless
b) he had this thick Irish (or was it Scottish?) accent that made him sound like Rambo with a toothache…

I only managed to make up a few sentences, one of them was “I’M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU GET A STICK FROM ME TOMORROW! NOW TELL ME YOUR NAME!” – He didn’t bring his fucking cane so, he had to book an appointment to get my ass whooped on the next day. And that, was the motherfuckest torture I had to endure in my entire life as a schoolkid. Had he whooped me right away on that spot, I wouldn’t had suffered that much. Imagine, I had to go home that day feeling like I was about to be lynched the next day… which gave me a fucking miserable and sleepless night. I didn’t eat well, nor did anything well. Just scared shitless. It was the longest night ever.

The next day was a Friday, I can remember… and I went to school dithering like a Parkinson patient, looking out for the white wizard to appear in front of the class to summon my head. I waited the whole day long, but surprisingly, he didn’t show up. I was at the verge of going insane, and amidst the agitated state of mind and paranoia, a more foreboding thought came to me – the wizard probably didn’t come because he wanted to save my ass for the Monday assembly public caning… OH MY FUCKING GODDD PANIC PANIC.

And from there, I had to endure another 2 tormenting days through the weekend to face the day of reckoning – which by then, I had already mentally braced myself for the worst… And then the time came in the assembly, it never fucking happened. Brother Casimir wasn’t even fucking there. And because the worst of the possible situation had already gone by, my fear sort of like subsided after that. And he never came that day, the day after and for weeks and months after. I gave it a thought one day, about what went wrong and I suspected that I might have given Brother the wrong name and the wrong class out of my freaked out mind – which might have prevented him from locating me… because you know why? We Chinese kids looked all the fucking same to him. The whole incident went by as if it was an incomplete nightmare… I woke up before Freddy Krueger manage to struck me with his evil ‘stick’ (kinky)

That was my second narrow escape from a calamitous fate, after the first one. I can be unbelievably lucky sometimes…

michaelooi  | escapades  | 5 Comments