Archive for February, 2008

February 18, 2008

“He Was a Quiet Man” (2007)

You know, before I watch any movie, I would usually refrain myself from reading any sources of spoilers/reviews beforehand – so that I’d have a neutral expectations prior watching it.

So naturally, the perception that I had for this, was that it was a sick flick. A sadistically themed slasher cum horror movie. Why? A few reasons.

The first reason, would definitely have to be the title. “He Was A Quiet Man”. Ooo fucking creepy. The movie must be about some sociopath cutting up kids or something like that… maybe a “Mr. Brooks” clone but, with much more gut retching elements in it… And then, the cast of the protagonist. It was led by Christian Slater. Like, who can look sicker than Christian Slater? He has that natural conniving son of a bitch and pedophile look that makes him all perfect to be one. He’s there for a reason.

My suspicion kinda bolstered in 15 minutes through the flick, and then, it gradually changed into something completely different. Something which was way more pleasant. It was the same feeling that I get when I play a good role playing game – storylines that keep introducing new yet intriguing plots that makes you want to find out more about the next. That was why I got so deep into the flick, which managed to keep me glued on the screen right till the end without a flinch. That was how good it is. Unpredictable yet interesting plot.

The storyline revolves around a coy and delusional guy called Bob, who is often a product of constant harassment and oppression from his office co-workers. Bob, at the verge of committing a mass shootout at the office one day, gets cut back by another delusional guy at the office, who does the shooting just moments ahead of him. Bob confronts the shooter and inadvertently becomes an overnight celebrity cum hero when he kills the gunman and rescues the wounded assistant VP called Vanessa (whom he has been admiring all the while) from being executed.

After that fateful day, Bob’s life changed. He is promoted at work for the display of courage and heroism, and everyone starts to look up to him. Vanessa on the other hand, is paralyzed neck down from the shooting and scornes Bob for rescuing her. Just when Bob thought he has made the biggest mistake of his life, Vanessa asks Bob for a final favor, to finish what the gunman started – end her misery by ending her life. Bob agrees but chickens out at the last minute. In a weird twist of fate at that moment, the fuming Vanessa discovers that she can actually move one of her fingers which gives her a glimmer of hope that she might be well again, and for that, credits Bob’s chickening as saving her life for another time.

From there, their relationship blossom and Bob is at the crest point of his life. He starts to socialize and feel confident for the first time. But just when he thinks everything is right in his life for the first time, the remnants of his insecurity make him discover things that he aren’t suppose to know, which then triggers the return of his mental problems, in a much more badass magnitude.

Go watch it already. The movie has depth, and it’s good. This flick is worth 8 out of 10 in my scale of awesomeness.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 3 Comments
February 12, 2008

core rules to save yourself from a sex scandal

With the advent of high grade digital sensors, wireless technology and high speed internet connection, it is not surprising that more and more people in the 21st century are finding their privacy intruded upon. Just ask yourself, how many sex scandals have you read in the past 5 years? Shitloads of them.
– Famous people getting caught in video fucking the wrong people.
– Chicks having their cellphones stolen to have racy pictures/videos of themselves distributed all over the internet.
You name it.

These scandals, they all have one thing in common – they’re all very unpleasant. They pique unwanted attentions, they give bad publicity and they expose private practices that are just plain fucking embarrassing to the very core. These aren’t the things that are going to help you foster a good in-law relationship or being taken seriously in your workplace. If you’re someone famous, it could even mean the end of your career.

So it is only good if we can discipline ourselves to combat this kind of threat – by adhering to these core rules which I’ve painstakingly compiled with the aid of some professional help

Rule #1: Never make a video or take a picture of yourself having sex with any living creature.
This is common sense – if there’s no video nor picture of yourself taken, then there shouldn’t be anything to be used against you in the first place. Sure enough, sometimes you may want to remind yourself of a particularly gratifying evening you had with someone but trust me, it’s always not worth it. It won’t be that cool anymore if your significant half or your mom finds out about you giving a clam suck or a blowjob. If you want to fuck, fuck safely. Don’t be so stupid to go around creating evidence of your vice co-curricular activities. Just fuck and forget. If you want to remember, you can always call up that tramp/stud and ask for another round.

Rule #2: Secure the perimeter before you pork / getting porked.
You’ll never know if anyone has the malicious intent to sabotage your shit or even a decent intend to throw you a surprise birthday party. Whatever it is, it’s always wise for you to go around checking if there’s any discrepancy or anything odd going on. This is like, making sure you have a valid passport before going for an overseas trip. It’s a basic thing. Just drape up any exposed mirror, cover up any holes, close the curtains, switch off your cellphone and look under the bed. Do whatever you must to feel safe. Always remember, it is better to let people speculate or suspect than to get caught red handed. This is like, a little sacrifice for a much bigger cause and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Rule #3: Always do it with style.
Some things are inevitable and people get to film us anyway. So it is always good if we can consistently deliver the best possible result and maintain our self esteem at the same time. You should trim your pubes and powder your groin everyday. Look the best possible each time you’re planning to have an adventurous evening. Always give the best impression ever. When you plow your partner, do it like you’re attending an audition for a porn lead role. Give it some passion. Make your viewers feel the love, and make them remember you as a motherfucking awesome fucker. With this precaution in practice, in case your porn gets leaked out to the public, at least they get to see you in your best maneuver (to mitigate the embarrassment).

Rule #4: Always keep your shit together.
There are times when we’re careless and stupid, and got ourselves end up as the lead actor in a candid porn video. In situations like this, there is very little you can do other than to keep your shit together (especially if you’re famous). Never ever come out to apologize like it’s a wrong thing. The last thing people remember of you is you having a blast whacking tits / sucking dick without any apparent remorse. So, it’ll only make you look stupid. Never try to win sympathy by being suicidal or speaking out for the victims either. They never work. You’re in the middle of a sex scandal for fuck’s sake, not fighting a cause to save some endangered walruses. Just keep calm, shut the fuck up and hope that the storm will recede itself down over time. If you feel like it, you probably can give a badass comment or two to the press like “it looks and sounds like me, but it’s not 100% me.”

*****

That’s all I can think of right now. If you feel like contributing for the good of the society, by all means, be my guest.

Fuck safe, people.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 12 Comments
February 4, 2008

foreign infestation

I had an unfortunate encounter last week in this locally franchised chicken rice outlet, which was run by an assortment of Banglas and Nepalese. I should have known that I was in for a really challenging time if I patronize that joint, but the situation didn’t permit me much choice, so I gave it a try anyway. I was with Regine and Emily, and after I had placed my order with one of the locals, Regine started to hit her high notes and I had to get her something to calm her down.

Plastic fork and spoon – they work all the time for my daughter (it escapes me why). So I flagged one of the waiters over. Tenzing the Nepalese attended to me and gave me this emotionless gawk. I then requested politely in English – “Can you please get me a plastic fork and spoon for the kid there?”

He went on gawking, but with a change of expression of a freaking out look. I could tell that he didn’t get a shit I said, so I switched to BeeEm – “Boleh bagi sudu dan fork plastik?” (I’m sure I didn’t say it quite correctly but, it was at least something 80% BeeEm).

He reservedly nodded for a couple of times and went off. It finally made sense to him, I thought, but I was wrong. Tenzing didn’t get it. Apparently, he went off to summon his Bangladeshi colleague – whom I would refer as ‘Jahangir’ – to check me out instead. Tenzing then bolted off to somewhere, his burden now transferred to Jahangir, who came to my aid with the same stupid gawk, with an addition of faked anticipation. So I had to repeat my request all over again, in English, with some emphasis of sign language – that I would like to have a plastic fork and spoon for my soon-to-go postal madcap daughter.

Like Tenzing, he nodded and disappeared, nowhere to be seen again. I was made to wait for the plastic utensils that never came, until my patience wore thin and eventually, got one of the shirking locals to get it for me.

The whole episode kinda left me perplexed (like who wouldn’t?) – if those foreign workers do not speak or understand the common spoken languages in our country, then why did they attend to me in the first place? Were they buying the odds of a miracle that I could probably speak Bangladeshi or Nepalese? And which moron in his right mind allowed these people to man the outlet as front runners? (they could have at least appointed someone who COULD SPEAK AND UNDERSTAND something)

The whole thing prompted me to think – are we Malaysians really that short of labors that we need to get so many Banglas and Nepalese to do our chores? Or is it that we’re too conceited or lazy to give a shit about these menial works? Whatever it is, if the trend keeps going on like this, I’d foresee a near future where we would need Banglas to bless our weddings at churches, remove our tumors at hospitals or even run the goddamn government – because we Malaysians are too fucking lazy to do anything at all (and they’re so cheap to hire anyway).

This is so fucked up and definitely has to change.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 9 Comments