January 7, 2008

the weirdest shit

My 10th year service award dinner. I wasn’t going to attend it until I saw the grand prize for the lucky draw – it was a notebook that I desperately longed for. That was when I decided to give it a shot, you know, just in case I got lucky or something. But it was a decision that I would regret later – not only did I not get anything, but I had to sit with the weirdest shit.

The weird shit I’m talking about, is a spinster in her late 40’s. Just in case you wonder, yes, she’s there to receive her 10th year service award. Like me. (But then, I assure you, that was the only thing we have in common). What’s worst, she sat right beside me.

So, what makes me think that she’s the weirdest shit? A lot of factors, people. I’ll list them out and you decide yourself.

First of all, the look. You see, this lady, I reckon that she’s still a spinster because of many reasons. One of the main ones, has got to be her looks. And man, is she fucking ugly or what. Emaciated and greenish pale in complexion, you’d think that either she’s a retired crack hooker or someone impersonating a decomposed corpse in a Halloween party. On top of that, her face is also riddled with acnes and warts, with a coarsely cut scarecrow hairstyle. As for her garbs that night, she was wearing a somehow worn out and faded T-shirt (untucked), with an oversized dark blue khaki pants complemented with a pair of white sneakers. (it wouldn’t have looked so weird if she wasn’t attending a formal company dinner to receive her 10th year service award)

Now, you might probably think that she just has a bad taste in fashion, and was not blessed with a good look and shit, and that doesn’t warrant the right for anyone to label her as a weirdo, right? Well, unfortunately, no. She also talks to herself. She’d babble things (by herself) during the whole course of the dinner. Initially, I thought she was talking to me. As I did not want to be rude, I asked for her pardon a few times – and she’d just go “bzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz” and ends it with a cackling witch laugh “eeehehehehehehehhehh”. It happened for a few times before I got really scared – you’ll never know if people like her is gonna short circuit, grab somebody’s balls (I was just sitting right beside her, you see) and bite his nuts off or something.

And then, there was one particular moment, she closed her eyes, crossed her palms together on her lap and started meditating right on the table. Everyone was so dumbfucked then. I even jokingly said to one of my colleagues, that if we see smokes coming out of her head, we better fucking run. She’s probably evoking her voodoo shit and is opening the hell gate. (I deliberately said it loud enough for her to hear it – I was just testing water if she’s pretending. But she didn’t seem to hear it). She did the meditation for a whole 5 or so minutes, woke up and continued to cackle like usual. Totally bizarre, man.

The management said that they hoped that we’ll all have an unforgettable experience that night, and I certainly had that (albeit in quite the opposite way). I kinda also wondered, what actually happened to that loony spinster? Was she as kooky as this 10 years ago before joining Company X? Is her present self a by-product of years of stress and depression from excessive work? What would be her next stage of metamorphosis then? A full mental retardation?

I’ve already worked for Company X for 10 years. She probably got kooky years ahead of me due to her shallow character or perhaps unhealthy diet. And if that’s true, then it is just a matter of time before I become like her… and that’s a disturbing fact to learn indeed.


michaelooi  | work shit  | 

8 Comments to “the weirdest shit”

  1. Dr. Tan says:

    Hmm did you get the laptop?

    Steal some one gigs for me k? wtf

  2. The Nurse says:

    Don’t worry… you’ll be next in due course. Congratulations again…lol..

  3. Arkane says:

    At my company, overstressed, depressed spinstered bitches turn into diabolic creatures who take out their anger on any unsuspecting victims who cross their path via a bloodbath. Consider yourself lucky that the one in your company only cackles to herself.

  4. Adrian says:

    I guess she wasn’t like that 10 years ago before she joined Company X. Be prepared, Mike, that you will turn loony like her as well. Maybe its time for you to learn meditation now, just to be prepared?

  5. michaelooi says:

    dr.tan – did I get the laptop? what do you think leh??

    The Nurse – Thanks for the medically convincing advice. It certainly helps.

    Arkane – Bloodbath? Like how? Squeezing their blood soaked sanitary pad on somebody’s head?

    adrian – Ok I promise. If I get loony one day, I’m gonna roadkill at least 20 mat rempits with my car (since I will not be held responsible due to reason of insanity)

  6. blusher says:

    what a scary experience. i’d have freaked out the moment she went ‘bzzzz’-ing and cackling. you sure that in another 10 years in this Company X, you won’t turn out like her?

  7. michaelooi says:

    blusher – I don’t know. Most likely, yeah.

  8. azlin says:

    Wow…you’ve been with company X for 10 years!!! How time flies by…

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