Archive for January, 2008

January 29, 2008

angpow

Mojo Jojo was looking for some light banter at work yesterday… but he picked the wrong target

Mojo Jojo : “Hey Michael! You’re married right? Shouldn’t you be distributing angpows?”

[If you don't know what an angpow is, you ought to have your head forcefully shoved into the toilet bowl and flush... ]

I wasn’t in my fine mood, so I gave him this nasty look like I’m ready to slash his throat…

Mojo Jojo : “Where’s my angpow Michael? heheheh”

Me : “So you want an angpow huh?”

Mojo Jojo : “Of course!”

Me : “Ok. Come over here. I’ll give you an angpow.”

That was when his primordial caveman instinct hinted him that his life is in danger, and he began to show withdrawal symptoms… with the flinching and all that…

Mojo Jojo : “[gulp] No thanks… eheheh. I think I’ll just go back to work”

Me : “Don’t you want my angpow? Come here you fucker. I’ll give you your angpow. FIVE BUCKS!” [and I waved my palm in the air]

He then bolted off into his lab without bringing up the ‘angpow‘ topic again.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 6 Comments
January 28, 2008

i hate CNY

I have been thinking today – oh how I hated Chinese fucking New Year. If it is about something, it has to be about spending money unnecessarily. The projected damage that Emily and I are getting this year, stands menacingly at about 700 bucks. Small amount, but considering the fact that they are to be spent for NOTHING, it’s a motherfucking lot of money. You see, most of the time, they are given away to obnoxious kids whom we hardly meet or particularly fond of. And those kids, would wish nothing of you except to bilk you off your money. They don’t really care if you’re his father’s cousin or that uncle who once saved the family dog’s life. They just want that red thing in your hand, and then you can disappear for all they care.

So, what’s the fucking point man? Where’s the love bebeh? If you were to ask me, I’d say I would rather spend those hard earned money on something that I feel worthy, like my daughter’s expensive formula (which costs about 100 over bucks per jumbo can – cheebyeee!)… or some exotic lens filters which I’ve been abstaining from getting for myself. But the custom dictates otherwise, and whoever that came up with the idea of distributing money to bribe ourselves some friends and relationships, ought to be hung and shot.

If this is all for turning the gaiety event up a notch, why can’t they have candies instead? Kids would go nuts for candies. Just like Halloween. They can dress themselves up or do funny things to amuse us, and based on their performance, we arbitrarily decide how many Tic Tacs to be dispatched on that those little tykes’ palms. Or maybe, we can judge them based on their final exam at school. Those who got good results, candies for them. Those who failed any subjects, will have to hoover that little green bug from grandma’s lawn there. (Come on, it’ll be fun)

If they’re too piss scared to eat little green bugs, well then, stay the fuck away from Uncle Michael! (And leave me a little peace).

No pain, no gain – kids should learn about that from young to better prepare them to face the bitterness of reality. But until that idea gets popular, perhaps I should think of a way to avoid this… like maybe, go for a vacation or something.

Yeah, I’m so gonna do that someday.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 13 Comments
January 24, 2008

boner

A couple weeks ago, my father’s sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) came to my place for a visit. It has been some time since we last met, so, there were a lot of catching ups going on. Particularly on my daughter, Regine. The last time they saw Regine, was when she was just a few months old. But that afternoon when they came, Regine was ill and was taking her afternoon nap. So I did the next best thing for them – I showed them my daughter’s digital photos. Shitloads of them.

I brought over my notebook to the couch, and showed them a slideshow of Regine’s photos. You know how these senior people would go so enthusiastic about looking at children’s photos and all – so I was like making them happy or something, and at the same time, trying to reinforce their belief that me, Michael, whom they were so used to see as a fucking obnoxious devil, had grown into a responsible and debonair parent (oh yeah bebeh).

And so I was like, digitally flipping photos after photos of my daughter’s, wearing this super gay smile and making super gay remarks like “Oh look at her, how cuuuuuute awww” – you know, revolting behaviors that we adults sometimes unnaturally act in front of our seniors just to avoid any perception complications.

“This was when she was 8 months”
“This was the time when we brought her to the mall”
“Oh this was her first time on a swing”

You get the idea.

Just when I thought everything was going smooth and things would end well for me, it happened. The final few slides of the folder, weren’t of Regine’s. No it was not porn. It wasn’t me nekkid either. It was this picture.

My uncle squinted his eyes, and I panicked.

“Errmm, please ignore this uncle. This… errrr…. this is just a picture of my friend…. errr he buried his face on a roti canai… err…. because… errmmmphhh heheh… he was drunk” [close application and stifle from laughing]

And then we pretended we didn’t see the picture and moved on.

That was a picture of my friend Tony, which was taken when he was very inebriated on a very adventurous night some months ago (we’re all drunk). That night, someone bought some roti canai for a late night pig out, until one of my kooky friends slapped a piece of roti canai on Tony’s face and told him that it was a warm towel. I took that picture with my phone while I was wiping tears and phlegm from laughing too hard…

Happy moments, yes, but it was inappropriate at that time, you know, with these serious relatives around. I was suppose to be content and stable and shit, and showing them how much of a schlub I’ve been with my friends isn’t generally considered a very bright thing to do. It was a boner. If I had a piece of greasy ass roti canai at that warp of time, I’d have buried my face into it as well, no shit.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 10 Comments
January 23, 2008

tagged (meme)

I was tagged by blusher.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night.
My daughter Regine. I was pretending to be asleep. When she gawked at me up close, I opened up my eyes to give her the jolt, and we both laughed like hyenas together.

2. What were you doing at 0800?
I was still sleeping.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Playing Scrabbles (Scrabulous) in Facebook.

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I fucketh, becameth a father and losth my freedomth.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??’ – I lost my shit on Regine today. Don’t wanna talk about it.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
3 mugs of strong coffee.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
I don’t have a hairbrush. (note: guys don’t normally own a hairbrush, unless he’s confused about his sexuality)

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Couple packs of ‘nasi padprik’ and Penang famous Edgecumbe Road ‘mee rebus’.

9. Where were you last night?
In front of my ‘puter.

10. What color is your front door?
Some shade of light grey.

11. Where do you keep your change?
A compartment inside my car, or into the Valentines gift gold piggy bank I gave to Emily many years ago

12. What’s the weather like today?
Hot and sticky like hell.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Has to be either chocolate or vanilla for me.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
No I don’t.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
No I’m not.

17. Do you talk a lot?
No I don’t.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
No I don’t.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Fuck yeah. My friend Steven can do heck of an impersonation of Emil Chow. He drives a heavily mod Wrangler with a twin turbo engine. He has acted alongside with femes Hong Kong actors in a flick. He’s rich, stable and he can sing (now how many of your chicken ass male friends can sing?). Any of you girls interested in him, email me. (seriously)

20. Do you make up your own words?
Yep. Can’t remember all of them, only a couple. Like this and this.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Sometimes.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Alvin. He’s a Liverpool fan, has five dawgs and a couple patches of tattoo on his shoulder (which makes him look like a fake gangster).

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Keh Boh Leong (which literally translates to ‘Pussy Leong’). He has a defective voice cord that makes him speak in a semi falsetto tone – which makes the general public confused about his sexuality (that’s why the name). I once insulted his mother from a sidewalk, pissing him off. He reacted by spitting at me from the moving school bus and his spit smelled like a wet rat.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
My wife, Emily.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
I usually delete my message after reading it. But I think the last one’s from a colleague that told me he isn’t going to join me for lunch.

26. Do you chew on your straw?
No I don’t.

27. Do you have curly hair?
Apart from my pubes, hairs on my legs and armpits, No.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
I think the toilet. The Edgecumbe Road ‘mee rebus’ is giving me a dry spin inside my tummy.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
Has got to be my mom. She’s the Asian counterpart of the Sea Hag.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
A1 Bak Kut Teh instant noodles. Awesome.

31. Will you get married in the future?
I’m already married.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
“I Am Legend”.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Yeah. Fell in love with [my daughter].

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
A few hours ago, after wolfing down that bowl of A1 Bak Kut Teh instant noodles.

35. Are you currently depressed?
Yes I am. I need a vacation and a lot of money.

36. Did you cry today?
What the fuck. No. (note: guys don’t normally cry, unless his favorite soccer team loses the final match in a major tournament)

37. Why did you answer and post this?
That’s because I’m such an affable and fucking nice guy.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey
I’m sorry but, the madness ends here.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
January 22, 2008

job rant

I’m about to rant a little bit of something about my job. But because I am bound by the non-disclosure thing at Company X, I will have to do it metaphorically. Just for the intention of complying that, I’m gonna have to ask you to imagine that I’m a surgeon. A good one at that. My job is to cut people open like a pig, remove their organs and have them analyzed in detail. Once I get all that done, I will then have to put them back in and produce a thorough report on what the fuck went wrong. Simple.

Although I can do my job quite efficiently, some of the chores can be arduously time consuming… one of them is – removing an uterus. You see, removing an uterus is not as simple as removing batteries off a remote control or anything like that. An uterus is big, complex, sensitive and stinks like a bottle of motherfucking Chinese calligraphy ink. It is something that requires a tremendous amount of time to dismantle (first remove the pussy, then the ass, then the head, spinal cord, etc – you get the idea). Labor intensive kinda job.

Yesterday, I was given 3 ladies with uterus problems at 11am. The officer wanted me to get the ladies all stitched up by 2pm. I said “No way dude, that’s impossible” – and I explained that I needed a minimum 1.5 hour for each uterus job. And that’s about one of the best you can get from an underpaid surgeon like me – with the limited equipment (I was given only a wooden ladle) and all that.

Fast forward today, I got a pep talk from my boss, that some high flying idiot (I learned this phrase today) from another department has a concern on my work. He said my delay handicapped their productivity. When I asked what’s the deal – I found out that the 3 ladies with uterus problems need to go back to work by the next day, and they were unable to because of my delay.

I protested like “What the fuck??? Can’t they go on medical leave or something?? Or get a fucking replacement for them??”. My boss then told me that the high flying idiot, being a stupid fuck he is, felt that it is much easier for me to speed up than to ask those ladies to get a medical leave (because their medical leave application process is quite complex, apparently, and they don’t like replacements).

In response to that, I went like,
“Without a functioning uterus, do you think that going to work is the most important thing those ladies should worry about? If that is so, then they should be living with the uterus problems instead. Why bother come to me?”.

Ridiculous, I know. It’s like complaining yourself having a time management problem when you could have at least surfed less internet and shirked less, rather than hoping the planet revolves around the sun at a much slower pace.

My job can be fucking frustrating at times, and it’s not even mine or my boss’ fault. It’s somebody else stupider that holds high position. That’s what happens when you get people like this holding the rein of a certain important job function. Ma fa hai puki cheebye. I hope the high flying idiot gets a stroke tonight.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 10 Comments