December 10, 2007

survival quiz

Imagine you’re in this situation…

Say, you’re driving a runt car. (A Myvi, to be exact). For some inexplicable weird reasons, you think you and your car can set the land speed record on our Malaysian highway and you’re confident that no shit you’re gonna be the first person to be able to do it with a Myvi. With a boosted willpower, toufu shop sticker and plastic spoilers that artificially makes your washing machine shaped car more aerodynamic, you floor the accelerator with a heavy right foot… tearing the highway up like a true race car driver.

90kph… 100kph… 110kph… you break the highway speed limit like a dead twig… how awesome… 120kph… 125kph… you feel like you’re an invincible flying arrow… 130kph… 135kph…

Your brows are sweating. Your heart is palpitating. Your balls are levitating. It is a feeling that no words can describe. For the record of your private self basking later, you whip out your camera cellphone and aim it at the speedometer with the intention to capture the historical moment. But just as you’re doing that, your car suddenly fishtails and the next thing you know, you’re seeing a fast projection of images before you.

lights, sparks, smoke and debris. (crash). The airbag does not fucking deploy.

Miraculously, you survive the accident unscathed. You open the semi-wrecked door (which still works) and walk out. You take a quick survey of the damage, and see that your car has its hood planted right into the highway divider and is now resembling something like a pig’s snout.

Ok, fact check:
– your car’s totally fucked and immobile.
– it’s now static on the express lane, in the middle of the dark but busy highway

Which of the following do you reckon you should do next? (this is a test of your survival skill – based on a real story, which you wouldn’t know if it’s gonna happen to you)

a) Reflect that you’ve been stupid, thank god and get the fuck out of there before another vehicle plows into your ass.
b) Reflect that your car is a jinx, curse god and get the fuck out of there before another vehicle plows into your ass.
c) Get the fuck out of there to find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush.
d) Coolly walk around to inspect the damage, especially your plastic skirting + spoiler + paintjob, whip out your cellphone and call somebody while you’re doing that.

Or if you have anything else other than these to suggest, be my guest. (who knows? if it’s going to save somebody’s life someday)

*****
I actually almost crashed into a scrawny guy with Jay Chou hairstyle loitering around his wrecked Myvi last week. That guy just had a crash, and he was inspecting his wrecked car while talking on his cellphone on the express lane of a dark but busy highway (it actually happened on the PLUS highway en route to KL from Penang).
I do not know what the fuck was he thinking. He could have got himself fucking killed right on that spot. I myself barely braked in time from my 110kph descent (because his runt car was too small to be noticed at that speed and lighting condition, you see).

When you have an accident on a high speed highway like this, the most important thing is to get your ass safe. Never fucking mind about the car. The sanest thing that stupid ah beng should have done, is to move his car to the emergency lane. If the car’s stalled, he can just switch on the hazard indicator, get the fuck out of there pronto and pray for the best. He then can proceed to do what he wants at the emergency lane. It’s a common sense thing.

No wonder we call such people ‘stupid ah bengs’.

(I do not mind mowing down shitbags like him but, it’s the repair bill and repercussion in the form of legal procedures that I have to endure later on that’s bugging me.)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 

15 Comments to “survival quiz”

  1. jiok says:

    damn…if i were that guy…for survival reasons….i’ll do wat i can to make the scene visible….dark express lane sounds nasty. Another stupid driver like me (based on the story) could maul into me and add another wreckage onto the road.

    my RM 0.02

  2. eratter says:

    It’s C!! It’s definitely option C for him!!

    I’ll choose A though…

  3. michaelooi says:

    jiok – Well, you can set your car on fire… that’ll surely attract lots of attention… ahaks (plus, you’d get a really cool bonfire)

    eratter – I guess it’s a simple enough quiz. People who drives a Myvi with GT wings, fins, big ass exhaust pipe and at neck breaking speed, couldn’t be all that smart.

  4. CHOW FC says:

    I would stop the car, make sure he’s OK. The, I would go to the boot of the car and get the biggest spanner I could find and whack him unconscious.

    Heck. OK, OK, make there are no other cars, slow down, take some photos esp. with him in it and go home and blog all about this moron

  5. moo_t says:

    It is call learn by example : our traffics police is doing the EXACT hazardous things they do when setting up a road block.

  6. blusher says:

    Just being curious. What was the first thing entered your mind when you braked your car?

    my answer would be (a).

  7. puxape says:

    “Your balls are levitating”…that’s sweet.

  8. idot60 says:

    this makes u think if ah bengs are even humans with moms who gave birth to them… i guess ah bengs are not worth mowing down due to the expensive paint job… ahbengs’s life is worthless… if u ask me to save ahahbeng or RM5 from the railway tracks.. i’d choose RM5. At least the RM5 can get me a wantan mee :)

  9. jiok says:

    kikiki can convince insurance summore

  10. michaelooi says:

    chow fc – That’s what modern people nowadays do. Blog material first, safety second. *sigh* (that ah beng was probably snapping pictures with his cellphone for his blog, I wouldn’t know…)

    moo_t – It gives the term ‘roadblock’ a whole new meaning… heheh

    blusher – The first thing on my mind? I think it’s “OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCKKKK!!!!!”

    puxape – Ermmm… sorry dude, I’m not your type.

    idot60 – You’d risk your life for 5 bucks over saving an ah beng? Doesn’t that make your life worth less than an ah beng? o_O
    What were you thinking lah?

    jiok – I can see that you’re making a lot of progress… good good.

  11. puxape says:

    ha ha ha, don’t worry…my girlfriend is laughing at me right now.

  12. Dr. Tan says:

    I bet he was swearing at you when you braked and honked at him, if you did honk at his gold ass.

  13. anas says:

    if i were to be involved in that situation, i’d choose ‘a’.

    but being an ah beng, should add

    e: take photo of wrecked car and unhurt self with cellphone cam for bragging rights with fellow ah bengs “i survived a 135kph crash”.

    many years ago while travelling on PLUS from ipoh to kl, there was this two guys pushing their broken car (no hazard lights what so ever) in the middle of the very dark express lane. explains their intelligence level.

  14. Marc says:

    Totally apt post. Somebody got killed last week changing a flat on the side of the road at night. Fucking truck came along and well…splat.

  15. Primrose says:

    Eh, come KL never call me meh? If it were me… heck! I wouldn’t drive a MyVi with GT wings, fins, big ass exhaust pipe and driving at neck breaking speed. I’m not an idiotic ass!

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