November 21, 2007

Elliot’s review

Today, my boss Paul sent me an ‘input request’ to rate Elliot’s performance in Company X. It goes like this (some details have been changed to protect my ass from getting prosecuted for publishing this):

I would like to get your feedback on Elliot’s performance for the year of 2007. It will be a few minutes of your time. Your feedback will be incorporated as a development plan for Elliot. Rest assure that your feedback will be kept confidential. Thanks in advance for your input.
1)What has he done well in 2007?
2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
3)What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)

For a moment there, I felt like I was given the divine power to decide Elliot the Idiot’s fate in Company X. This is like, a chance for me to shove shit up that motherfucker’s ass, legally, and let him have it ‘the company’s way’… How cool is that!
But then, after mulling for a while, I decided to be more sympathetic and spared him from the gallows. It’s one of the things I’ve learned from experience. Stabbing a weak retard will only make yourself look bad. So I gave him a rather pleasant review instead… by punching in lies after lies with my dirty keyboard. Told the boss he’s a hardworking fella and gave him an average rating.

But I can’t forgive myself for stopping there, because somehow, I feel that the truth has to be told somewhere. And if by chance of fate, the truth makes its way to the rightful ear, there will be at least a small chance that good will prevail. That’s why I feel compelled to reveal them here… my actual opinion about Elliot’s performance in 2007:

1)What has he done well in 2007?
Other than damaging the multimeter probe, damaging the oscilloscope holder, stealing tools from other engineers (which resulted himself getting cussed with the foulest profanities by various parties), shirking off work to service his crappy car when the boss’ not around, taking 3 times longer than average time to complete a simple job, faking MCs, exhibiting embarrassing and gross table etiquette during departmental dinner, listening to fengtau disco songs in the lab, smearing his own boogers underneath his desk/workbench….. NOPE, this parasitic sleazebag did not do anything at all in the year 2007.

2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
All the areas need improvements. But since he’s already at the level where improvement is no longer practical and necessary, I’d suggest to either purge him out of his sorry existence through the paper shredder (for the good of humanity), or you can send him away to collect used sanitary pads in female restrooms and roadkills around the industrial roads surrounding Company X, away from working with us abled people – just for the effort of siphoning some miniscule scale benefit off him as tax for breathing our oxygen all these years.

What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)
‘5’ would be a rating too benevolent for a wretched vermin like Elliot. Allow me to suggest 500. Extremely shit fucking poor. People like him should just die (above everything else that have been suggested above).

There, the truth told.

People, spare me a wish this Christmas. Please help to make a wish to Santa to take away Elliot from this planet. Drop him at the moon or the sun, just away from us.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 

8 Comments to “Elliot’s review”

  1. puxape says:

    After you put Elliot through the paper shredder, can I use him as a bedding material for my hamsters? It would be cheaper and greener instead of using wood chips. They can build nest out of him and at least his existence would not be such a waste.

    PS: Just one question, does he dissolve in the stomach if eaten? I am scared that he may cause a stomach blockage for my hammy, thanks.

  2. iamyuanwu says:

    I would definitely insert hints and subtle proof of his ‘disability’ in the feedback… soften with some flowerish languange.

  3. michaelooi says:

    puxape – His flesh will putrefy and definitely will cause stomach discomfort to your hamsters. Besides, hamsters are not known to be carnivorous… so, they might even face severe indigestion and probably shit to death. ;-)

    iamyuanwu – I did. I told my boss he is ‘amphibious’. I was actually referring to his looks. Ahaks!

  4. anas says:

    ok, i’ll wish together with you

    “i wish santa would send Elliot to ISS to entertain the cosmonauts up there”

  5. myles says:

    wow…that’s mean. but you were nice to write him a nice feedback to your boss.hmm. is he really THAT bad?! -_-

  6. Ted says:

    Good job man. I support your comment. Send him out of our solar system is much better than drop him to the sun. Any way, I got a bunch of this people with me now. I think I would suggest to use people send over space for experiment rather use monkey because they are just worst than any creatures on earth!

  7. michaelooi says:

    anas – You hate cosmonauts that much meh?

    myles – He IS that bad.

    ted – Or like I’ve previously suggested, to use people like him for medical experiments rather than animals… for the benefit of our future generations… you know what I’m saying? Good to see you around, ted.

  8. anas says:

    hehe i don’t hate cosmonauts, it’s just, i don’t see what we get by sending ONE malaysian to space, to do “experiments in zero gravity” for like, seven days, and expect to get something out of it…oh wait, the samples are destroyed when they came back to earth. it’s more like a space tourist program, buy sukhoi fighter jets and get free round trip to space. yay! haha

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