My colleague BigSnake is getting hitched. Yes, to his long time girlfriend whom he had bitched to me eons ago. Apparently, the 6 months probation he gave to his lovelife worked well for both of them, good enough to blossom to the next level - marriage. Well, I’m glad that it turned out well for him, or whatever.
However, it wasn’t as fun as he anticipated it to be, for he had been ranting a lot inside the lab lately. Most of the time, it was about the money and the ridiculous amount of time he had to invest to make the whole thing work. The plans, the printing of invitation cards, the wedding banquets, dowries (not sure if that’s the right word but, apparently, the bride’s family requested for dowries, in both monetary form and gifts), et al. I could tell that he was going through the most difficult episode of his life… in what appears (to me) to be a gambling bid to secure a better future. But I didn’t hold back my opinions…
“Dude, why all the troubles? This is your wedding, not a ball sucking effort to impress people. If anyone were to have opinions about who you choose to spend your life with, they can fucking go kill themselves for all you care. You could have used the money to go for a really awesome honeymoon, and save yourself from all these unnecessary troubles…”
I know a lot of you people might not agree with me, but what the heck, just listen to what I have to say…
You see, the idea of having wedding banquets/receptions originated back in the ancient times when there were no systematic ways to acknowledge the social status of a particular couple in love… and when an affair eventually gets out of control, the female counterpart would eventually gets knocked up. And when that happens, fellow villagers tend to get panic over the matter and start to grab pitchforks and whatnots to head to your home (children born out of wedlock used to be a big thing back then). That was when you’d find yourself having a hard time to convince everyone that you’re not raping a village girl, but was having a steamy round of sex with your fucking girlfriend.
That’s probably how people come up with this ‘bribing’ format, to insure the reputation of the family name - ostentatiously organize a generous dinner for the villagers and have the mayor (or any bigshot) to bless the relationship… and from thence, to be recognized as a legit couple. So that
a) people know you’re fucking with each other
b) people know that both of you are not suppose to fuck anyone else (back in those days, you know),
c) people know that they’re not suppose to mis-fuck any one of you.
d) so on…
In the modern world, such practice is not necessary anymore - since we already have a functional set of systems to govern our rights and shit. We can just pen down our names in the registry and that’s about it. Wedding banquets/receptions nowadays are nothing more than a cultural rote, probably also an excuse for
- the groom’s friend to have bachelor’s night,
- relatives and friends to get together
- old abominable uncles/aunties to get drunk and croak like a toad in front of cheapskate karaoke screen…
An event of 2 people together is suppose to be a happy thing. If the wedding plan (banquet, reception, basically.. the whole package) is causing one so much distress and trouble, what’s the point, really?
That’s why I chose the option of not to hold one and spent our hard earned money holidaying at Hong Kong instead (and the remaining to buy an apartment). Lucky me indeed, for having such an understanding in-laws and wife.
But for my colleague BigSnake and many thousands of victims of circumstances, I can only hope the best for you. My advice is, if you can’t get away with it, then you can at least try to mitigate it. Just cut out all the unnecessary crap, it’s time for you to take charge of your own life. Only invite people you know or close to you, save yourself lots of money and use it to buy an apartment or something.
Remember, a brand new apartment can stay in your life for a very long time, but not your wedding guests.
Talking about wedding expenses, i believe you can salvage your wedding dinner bill through ang pows. You should be able to break even or make a small loss but it’s not like you have to foot the whole chunk by yourself. With regards to dowry, the bride’s parents are supposed to use the dowry money and buy something for the bride. In catonese they call it “kar chong” (literally means wedding gifts). So in the end, the money gets returned to you in another form. You can, for example, negotiate with your in laws beforehand that you would need a new bedroom set or something like that. This is to ensure that the happy couple will not be too broke after their wedding.
Even mitigating the unnecessary crap is a deadly challange. aduih!
Some parents will have the misconception that they’re “giving” away the daughter if no wedding banquet is held. That nobody knows their daughter is married, people might think, “anything fishy behind the marriage? the bridegroom has not enough money? the bride is pregnant? etc.. You know.. some parents NEED reputation. haha..
Haha..thot one could make moolah outta such events. Oh well…depends how one ‘manages’ it la. Oh well… BigSnake prob will hv future problems if he can’t control the financials from the beginning. Heh!
arkane - Money in ‘another form’? Like those jeweleries and stuff? I don’t know bout you people but, I don’t need those shit. I have plenty of those shit, but I don’t fucking wear them… nor am I allowed to pawn them or anything. If it’s sitting there being static, then it’s a waste to me. I’ve got a LEAN thinking, man…
feizal - Is Malay wedding custom and taboos as finicky as Chinese’s? Can somebody share?
je5sie - Perhaps… but isn’t the same result achievable by sending an email? Something with a subject header - “ATTN: My daughter is getting hitched. Donations will be appreciated (no dinner)”.
mott - Make moolah disappear got ler…
Hey mike, it’s not really “static” per se. The price of gold rises in tandem with world oil prices. Who knows one day, those “static” jewellery of yours might be worth a fortune.
sob… sob… sob… i am also a “koh loi yan”… i think of marriage then… my wallet burnt beyond recognition…
* wail * wail *
for once, i find myself agreeing with u. u r lucky to have really understanding inlaws and wife. but if they insist to have a grand wedding, well, u will have to go along anyway.
so, wedding is really, not just about the bride and groom. it’s also for those who care and love u both.
i agree with you, wedding receptions is a waste of time n money.
especially the last sentence of ur blog, truly a life quote for everyone. hahaha.
every yr attending weddings of relatives also makes me sien already.. i don’t see the whole point of it lor.. except your point (a) :p
well said, mike~!
good advise there, i will definitely take that into account when it’s my time.. muahahahha!! better spend the money for great and wondnerful honeymoon.. and buying house/apartment. Hmm… how you settled the in laws and other relatives back then man?
Grand weddings are more about having ‘face’, from what I hear. The time to show off to all the relatives and friends and enemies that your kid is getting hitched and is mega-rich enough to have a grand event.
I’ve even heard of some people who have the gall to ask the groom to give them an invite to the wedding - and not turn up!
In this day and age - having a wedding isn’t as important as making sure your marriage lasts till the golden years. Seems to me that people seem to care more about weddings than the marriage itself now - look at the divorce rates…. sigh…
Just my two cents on this topic..