I was having lunch at a Taiwanese food outlet the other day with Regine and Emily at a local hypermart, when I noticed a guy park his 2 carts full of groceries by the side and came walking in. I noticed him because he kinda looked smack dab like Jimmy Choo… only with a mullet and a pair of mutton chops (which I initially thought I knew him from somewhere, wtf). I thought he was all alone until his wife yelled like a skanky motherfucking bitch behind him.

“ERICCC!!”

Eric answered his wife’s rather agitated call with a perturbed look. His white blonde middle aged and somehow emaciated wife, whose face is prematurely riddled with wrinkles of surface area big enough to cover a rugby field… was upset and refuse to step into the outlet. The way she was so loud like that, I almost mistaken that she must have broken one side of her pelvic bone or something… but then, that didn’t happen to be the case…

“ERICCC! THE FLIES! THERE ARE FLIES HERE!”

Well, there were indeed a couple of fucking flies hanging out at a nearby table. Nothing to be alarmed of. At least not enough to warrant for such a magnitude of screaming in public like that. Eric looked on at his wife, deeply concerned on her fucked up demeanor. Like, there ARE actually people eating in there! She could at least show some respect and bitch in private, see? But hell no. She somehow had to act like a bitch over a couple of flies… I feel bad for Eric for having such a fucked up fuck partner (or worse, wife)

“ERICCC! I CAN SEE FLIES!”

Yeah, as if Eric couldn’t differentiate between a housefly and her glob of dehydrated clitoris. If I was Eric, I would have asked her to kill herself just to make this world a better place. But Eric was more composed than I am, so he didn’t do that. He just acknowledged her bitching with a nonchalant cold stare. The hag sorta felt the sting up in her pride when she realized she was doing a monologue all by herself, and decided to get louder. This time, she tried to make sure that everyone in that outlet understands her (and perhaps show her some support by torching up the place or something) - by creatively adding multiple postdeterminers to her already plural noun (as if none of us Malaysians understand English…)

“I SEE FLIES! MANY MANY FLIES! THERE ARE MANY MANY FLIES IN HERE!”

She was starting to get really annoying and was putting a stretched test on Eric’s shit. But Eric stayed put through the whole trial and remained consistently composed. He just sent her this really mean glower and telepathic message combo (yeah it was so cool that I can read it all) - “YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME WOMAN! Just shut the fuck up before I lose my temper and shove that cart full of groceries up your uterus!!”… And then he sealed it off with a simple remark (the only thing he ever uttered) - “Just get in here”, which she servilely complied without another word… and ate in harmony with the same company of flies romping on the table next to their’s.

The uber coolness.

I could have given Eric the ‘Man of the Century’ title, but then I’ll have to discredit him for hooking up with such a tragic white hag with stinking attitude in the first place - so he just got the next best thing that I can give instead - just ‘Man of the Year’

Seeing this from the positive angle, I can only imagine - what if all the male species in this world have this special ability to hush up rampaging bitch skanks like Eric, wouldn’t it be awesome? The world would definitely be a much better place without all the unnecessary domestic violence. Like, that guy can just do it with a glower… he was like, in total control of the situation man.

So, my salute to the Man of the Year - Eric, the purveyor of hope in hopeless situation. (we could really use talents like this to negotiate with those terrorists holding people hostage, you know what I mean?)