July 9, 2007

merchandise of evil intent

It’s true, I tell you. If you haven’t actually seen one, well, you’re about to. It is this thing – Barney radio or something (picture left).

No I wasn’t the one who bought it. I wouldn’t even fucking THINK of buying anything that has to do with Barney for my Regine. It was a gift from my cousin. I never knew my cousin was that distasteful but, a gift is a gift. I can’t just tell my cousin that she’s distasteful and reject her ‘kindness’. That is why it is now stucked inside my apartment.

Now, you would probably ask, how evil can this cute little radio be? You have no idea people. You see, it has this small little ‘play’ button on its front panel – supposedly, when pressed, it’ll play up some gaudy tunes sung by this prehistoric purple buffoon. The play button, are painted in both striking green and blue color – as such so that kids will not be able to resist pressing them. Once pressed, it’ll be a journey of no return to the hapless soul (and his/her family) who got enticed to press the button out of curiosity’s sake.

The radio, though small, has the broadcasting power of no less than a high Q amplifier. Its deafening noise of distressing music are irritating to the bone (nothing can be worse than hearing Barney the motherfucking stuffed dinosaur sing) and one will immediately react by looking for any means to power the damn thing down. A power switch on it or something, which does not exist. There is only 1 button. The very same button that triggered the widespread chaos in the first place, one that is also painted with the red square symbol – a common sign of ‘stop’ in any audio/video devices. The distressed hopeful will be deceived to press it again (hoping that it’ll be toggled off), only to realize that not only it does not stop the device, but will begin playing another tune – extending the suffering.

The victim will be rendered with no choice but to leave it alone. You know, wait until it finishes the already playing anthem of death and go static, which kinda works, but not before hearing Barney queerly yells out, almost in a yodelling manner, for 3 times in about 10 – 20 seconds interval, to “LET’s PLAY IT AGAIN!”… before the wretched thing rests in complete silence.

But it’s not over yet. For the button is not the only means to activate the radio. There is another infrared sensor triggered plastic roller that wickedly located beneath the radio which functions pretty much the same way a roller-ball mouse does – that triggers the radio on just like the evil button, i.e. Barney will sing again if you drag the radio on the floor.

So, in order not to subject yourself to more misery of hearing the radio wail like no tomorrow at the least expected times (like when the kid’s asleep and you’re doing toys-housekeeping), you’ll have to carefully store the radio on its back flat, face up. I saw my mom paying a dear price for making that mistake last night, she was jolted the daylights out of herself after accidentally activated the radio through that roller. Her reaction? She suffocated the Barney radio with a pillow.

Just, stay away from this piece of shit. (I’m gonna look for ways to effectively dispose this thing…)

michaelooi  | rantings  | 

25 Comments to “merchandise of evil intent”

  1. wils0n says:

    LOL it’s true such toys can really be a nuisance to us (adults) but imagine the excitement the kids get when this toy sings itself. Anyway remove the battery only la, don’t dispose the whole thing. Poor Regine. =(

  2. Sunshine says:

    Hahahaha!!!!! So funny.

    Does it run on battery? Take it out and hide the barney radio away!!

  3. littleComma says:

    wow .. this is so cool ! haha… my son actually kinda like barney’s videos. :)

  4. cbljkkj says:

    Whatever happened to the proper manually operated toys of old that I use to have.

    These new things are the most useless things ever invented. At least normal toys like a good ol’ firetruck or racecar helps children with imaginations.

    How is Barney still surviving? I thought that rotten excuse for a show was cancelled aeons ago.

  5. guaisaujai says:

    LOLx…

    Yaya…just take out the battery then u can get ur peaceful back..

  6. Primrose says:

    Yes, I cannot imagine how 99% of parents these days (you’re in the 1% and I WILL be too) expose their kids to that purple monster. What in the world is that? As if dinos in this world or pre-historic world are purple. Stupid! What happened to Mickey Mouse/Donald Duck/Sesame Street? Can’t parents buy classic nursery rhymes instead? Half the time, I can’t even understand what that Dino is singing through those karaoke DVDs (I had to endure that when visiting my girlfriend with a 3-yr-old who adores the purple thing). My! I think I buy better toys. *ahaks*

    Mike, maybe can give it away to littleComma??? Hehe!

  7. Arkane says:

    You know, I have a walker that functions somewhat like that. Lucky tho’ it comes with an “OFF” switch, but of late, my kid has figured out how to turn ON the darn thing all by himself.

  8. megabigblur says:

    Take Liquid Paper and paint over the infrared sensor lah.

  9. michaelooi says:

    wils0n – Too late. The thing has already been disposed as of this morning. (given away to Emily’s colleague)

    sunshine – Errmm it does not run on batteries. There is actually a real miniature Barney inside the radio doing all the singing…

    littleComma – If you’re serious about raising your kid, you better steer him away from these bad influences man, i tell you…

    cbljkkj – Toys? What toys? When I was small, I play with rubber bands, cardboards, paper kites, marbles and stuff like that…

    guaisaujai – The battery was secured away with a couple of phillips screw, and it’s always so difficult to find a screwdriver when you need one… so…

    primrose – Ditto bebeh. I’ve blogged about Barney the purple disaster before. Read it here.

    arkane – My Regine uses a plastic chair as her walker… I’m being conscientious in spending…

    megabigblur – Ermmm, the infrared sensor is actually a switch on the circuit board inside the radio. Just like what you have in your roller mouse – a stroboscopic wheel mounted in between an IR emitter and receiver. Needless to say, removing the batteries would be easier, but doesn’t that defeats the purpose of having this radio in the first place? Might as well give my Regine a rock. (but why bother, I’ve given the damn thing away)

  10. EF says:

    OMG, so damn funny :)

    When I have kids, I’ll probably never let them have electronic radios. Maybe a play-piano.

  11. Dr. Tan says:

    Barney is damn irritating.

    Maybe we should have you singing that I Love You Love me song.

    You can pixelate your face if you want to keep anonymous.

    Heh.

    Please really please. All those in favour of this please ask Uncle Mike to sing.

  12. bongkersz says:

    barney is gay, because it is purple. that’s one scary piece of shit. since when barney existed? never pay any attention to it when i was a kid.. more of gaban, transformers, satria baja hitam, tmnt kid :D what a dumb toy with a huge following.. weird..

  13. cbljkkj says:

    Not necessarily toys like cars and firetrucks but the simplicity of the concept. Even kids could come up with so many different ways of playing with a rubber band.

    Toys nowadays like that Barney contraption require almost no interaction. Just push a button. Leaves very little to the imagination.

  14. bongkersz says:

    ok yeah, sing uncle mike.. sing some lullabies.. hehe

  15. michaelooi says:

    EF – That’s cruel bebeh. Electronic radio is a wayyyy of life. You can’t deprive your kids that. But if you’re talking about Barney merchandise, that’s a different thing.

    drtan / bongkersz – WTF??? Want me to sing pulak! What are you guys fucking gay or something?? I tell you, when I sing, the angels are gonna weep like motherfucking bitch who got cummed in the face. (But it’s still not a guy thing so, sorry. Go grab a guy’s ass somewhere else dudes. Ewwh)

    cblkkj – It DOES leave us a lot of things to imagine about. Things like – how fun it would be to stomp or elbow dive an extincted purple lizard in the face.

  16. miko says:

    1st of all uncle mikey… yank out the battery.. then give to your sweet regine, she’ll smash it up (against wall, floor or flung it out the apartment) in no time (no instruction needed)… trust me.. that’s what all kids does best, BASIC instinct!

  17. Danielle says:

    Agreed-it IS damn annoying. This isn’t going to help kids understand what that square symbol’s actually for la dammit

  18. oliviasy says:

    barney is one things i don’t wish to expose my future kid to. barney’s so demented looking, my gawd!

  19. MT says:

    This kinda reminds me of some article I read not too long ago… I think in US or UK, some people were researching/ querying if the Teletubbies were promoting homosexuality. Apparently, one of them was supposed to be male but he carried a handbag…

    WTF?!?! OF COURSE Teletubbies are fucking gay! You don’t need rocket science to know that!!!!

    Barney may be fucked up, but he pales in comparison to those 4 antenna head, handbag toting faggots!

  20. mott says:

    *groans*

    the moment i saw that picture…i knew u were going to talk about the non-existent ‘off’ button. it’s a freakingly irritating toy, amongst the other freakingly irritating toys that they sell.

  21. Dr. Tan says:

    Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.

    ALL IN FAVOUR OF UNCLE MIKE SINGING LULLABIES PLEASE CAST YOUR VOTE!!

  22. Si beh Gatal says:

    Please, Mr Michael Ooi, sing for us.

    Then we can see if you have a faggot-like squeeky voice or a macho one.

    Upload in YouTube.

  23. Din says:

    I f**king hate Barney, man.

  24. michaelooi says:

    Fags. Why are there so many fags in the society nowadays? Fucking fags. I hate fags.

  25. sherz says:

    Barney is just another over-rated/overpriced marketing tactic to burn a hole in our pockets.

    I SAY WE BURN THE PURPLE DINOSAUR! (Barney annoys the shit out of me. WARGHH)

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