Archive for June, 2007

June 18, 2007

nice birdie

bird

Something magical happened to me during the weekend. I was standing at the balcony catching some breeze when suddenly, this beautiful bird appeared out of nowhere and stood right next to where I was standing… which made me felt kinda astounded – because you know, birds aren’t normally that bold.

I thought, maybe for some weird reasons, this bird wanted to be friendly to me, and maybe it wanted to be my pet or something like that. Not wanting to be rude, I extended out my index finger and invited it to perch on… and you know what? It actually flew up and perched on my index finger – pretty much like what you see in those goddamn fairytale cartoons! Like, how many of you actually experienced something as awesome as this?

What’s even more bizarre was, the bird then started to sing… and before long, the rest of its members appeared and I suddenly found myself being surrounded by motherfucking load of birds that were all over the fucking place and…

Alright, I made up the story above. This suicidal bird actually flew into my balcony glass door and got knocked out cold. This was the second time it did that. Not sure if it was the same bird but, it was definitely the same TYPE of bird.

The first time it happened, bird didn’t lose consciousness but kinda stoned from concussion. I caught it up and released it after letting it rest for a while.

This time however, the bird got a little bit more messed up. It regained consciousness after a very short while, but it never got its shit back together again. I reckoned that its brain could have sustained permanent damage or something. Couldn’t even use it to control its sphincter because it was shitting all over my balcony. I made sure that it was sober enough to flap its wings and tossed it out of the balcony – which she (assuming that its a ‘she’ bird, as I didn’t see any dick dangling under that birdie crotch) ungracefully glided into a shapeshifter’s arms at the garden below – which I then saw her being brought away into a dark corner somewhere and disappeared out of sight. No idea what happened to the bird after that.

But that was of secondary concern. The main concern for me was, I had a close encounter with a live bird. A live suicidal bird in fact. Why was it suicidal? Could it be that she had found out that she has a terminal stage breast cancer? Or even worse, somekind of deadly… fluuuuuuuuuuuu? That was why I spent the next half hour sterilizing my whole fucking balcony with Lysol… and gave myself a good scrub with an antiseptic soap. Had to clean my darn camera as well… I’m not taking any chances. (if you’re not already aware about the H5N1 virus infection, read this)

Weird things happen to me all the time. Sheesh

michaelooi  | happenings  | 23 Comments
June 14, 2007

pizza sambal something something

crappy pizza

That was what I had at Pizza Hut. Pizza Sambal something something. Couldn’t register the name but it wasn’t important. What’s more important – is that this pizza sucks donkey cock. It’s the most awful pizza I’ve ever had in my life.

I should have known it when the waitress told me I can’t upgrade this pizza (sambal something something) to ‘stuffed crust’ (as I usually would). Like, what kind of a pizza is it that does not allow us to add extra cheese? I didn’t give much thought about that because I haven’t been very sane ever since Regine was born so, I just played along. Little did I suspect anything until I saw the wretched ‘thing’ served on my table. This… ‘thing’… isn’t actually a pizza at all. It’s actually a flattened piece of saucer-shaped cracker with weird garnishing on top.

And the garnishing, aren’t grated cheese, pickled organic dildo (read: cucumber) or pesto sauce, but encompasses mostly of fuckloads of anchovies. Not just any anchovies but, those deep fried hard-ass salt preserved anchovies, like those commonly found in our local pack of nasi lemak.

Don’t mistaken me, I have nothing against anchovies. In fact, I think anchovies are cool. But when you have a whole generation of deep fried super salty anchovies on top of some fine semi-delicatessen like a pizza, it can get really nasty. It feels like, stressing my teeth to the limit and testing out the reliability of my kidneys in a single meal. So, the whole experience was more like, eating anchovies with some crappy thin crust that no birds are gonna even peck.

Goddamn.

I’ve noticed that this isn’t the first time Pizza Hut came up with some innovative ideas by blending our local Malaysian flavors into their pizzas. I wonder what makes them think that this is a good idea. As far as I’ve seen them tried so many varieties, none of them were any good. This is Malaysia goddamn it. If us Malaysians want to have our kick of say, satay or chicken masala, we can just haul our ass to any hawker outlets and grab a bunch of those with just a fraction the cost of these stupid local flavored pizzas, isn’t it?

Which nulls this as an innovation overall, in my opinion. Hell if this is what they would refer as an ‘innovation’, then the hairs growing out of my bunghole (with randomized twirls and curls) would win me a Nobel prize. I can easily predict what their future specials would be in the very near future:

Cincaluk flavored pizza
Rojak flavored pizza
Roti Canai flavored pizza (beefed up with Tongkat Ali extract)
Roti John HongKong flavored pizza
Michael’s dick flavored pizza (makes you feel as if you’re fellating me – that’s damn more Malaysian than anchovies. It gives you the different kind of salty flavor, I assure you)
et cetera

What a terencat. Man why can’t they just leave pizzas as pizzas?

Just… stay away from this Sambal something something crap.

(the best pizza I ever had was at Lamar Street at Austin, Texas. USD5.99 eat-all-you-fucking-can lunch. It was so fucking awesome, that I whacked 3 large pies of pizzas myself… phewwwh)

michaelooi  | food  | 34 Comments
June 11, 2007

showdown with Mojo Jojo

I wasn’t in my finest mood when I entered the lab this morning, only to become worse when I discovered that one of my notebooks that I needed was missing from my workbench (I have fuckloads of notebooks, you see…). I searched high and low for it, and when I was about to give up and report the incident to the security, Mojo Jojo suddenly appeared out of nowhere and said to me:

Mojo Jojo : “Hey Michael. I took one of your notebook this morning… I wanted to ask you but you weren’t around…”

He was referring to that missing notebook I was looking for. That warranted me a flip out.

Me : “So it was you! Have you got any idea how much trouble you have caused me?? I was looking all over the place for this damn thing! You could have called me or something!”

Mojo Jojo : “Errr but you weren’t around this morning, so I thought…”

Me : “That’s why I said, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED! That’s what cellphones are for! To look for someone when they aren’t around! I could be at anywhere else… even taking a dump, you could have still called and I would have been informed instead of doing all these unnecessary searching!”

Of course I lied. I don’t take phone calls and dumps at the same time… I was just illustrating a point.

Me : “Besides, what kind of a retard are you to take someone else’s stuff first and only to ask for their permission later?”

Mojo Jojo : “I’m sorry… I didn’t thought it would be like this.”

Me : “Yeah right, this is not the first time you’ve done this, fucker. I still remember the last time you filched an AC adapter from me and slapped a sticker on it claiming it’s yours…”

I agree that it was very cheap of me to dig up his past like this. But I was flipped out, so it’s justifiable.

Mojo Jojo : “No I didn’t! I just slapped the sticker but it wasn’t me who took it!”

Me : “Whatever, imbecile. Maybe the AC adapter magically crawled by itself onto your desk and made everyone misunderstood about the whole incident. Or maybe you’re just fucked up.”

Something unexpected happened after I said that. His expression changed for the first time (in his life, I think). The ‘fucked up’ phrase somehow triggered something in him… which I think must had reminded him some of his troubled past…. sexual abuse by his stepdad perhaps?

Mojo Jojo : “You know what? You’re fucked up too.”

Me : “Oh, you’re talking back, an improvement I see. Well, if you want to put it that way, then you must on a grander scale in terms of fucked-up-ness. I’m not even anywhere near you.”

Mojo Jojo : “You’re more or less the same. That’s what I think.”

Me : “Oh yeah? Let’s see. You’re the one who got demoted and transferred into this ‘nobody’ hellhole. You’re the one who got the worst review in the whole workgroup. You’re the one who DO NOT EVEN KNOW how to make a proper presentation… Who’s more fucked up here? I can list out more…”

Mojo Jojo : “Hey! this is wayyyy out of the topic now, ok??”

He hissed at me, like an alpha male baboon showing his hostility after being challenged in his own territory. He could have continued to retort if he had a coherent opinion about how right he was about me being more or less as fucked up as him… but he couldn’t. All he could do was to think of a desperate way to steer clear of the topic, after realizing that he has got a lot more worms to be dug compared to the rest of the guys in the lab – which must be kinda embarrassing in a way.

Me : “Sure man. Out of the topic. Hmmpppfhh. Maybe I should just stop talking about that and cut you some slack. Let’s stick back to ‘the topic’… how about – DO NOT FUCKING TAKE MY STUFF AT YOUR OWN LIBERTY AND ONLY ASK LATER!”

Mojo Jojo : “Alright, alright, I made a mistake about that one.” [he toned down]

Me : “You tell me, motherfucker. Do you see me stealing your stuff and ask you later? Oh I forgot, I’m not as fucked up as you. Maybe you should try to learn how to be more ethical next time.”

Mojo Jojo : “Ok, I was fucked up. Are we done now?”

Of course I was done. What else have I got against a degenerate not worthy the attention of a zoo animal? I was already doing him a favor by yelling at him. Maybe that was the fucked up side of me he was talking about… I should have fucking reported to the security and let him have it the hard way by himself. Yeah… I’m so gonna fucking do that next time.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 24 Comments
June 7, 2007

my little girl turns 1 today

regine ooi

I asked her – “Who’s the ‘clever girl’?”

Almost like a reflex, she conveniently poked her chubby cheek with her little index and looked squarely at me in the face – as if I’ve asked her a really really stupid question and made an ass out of myself.

She sure has grown a lot.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 28 Comments
June 5, 2007

toys and wife, they don’t go along very well

Part of a conversation with a friend over a few beers at a lounge:

Me : “I missed the days when I was still single. I can basically do whatever I want back then.”

We each took a swig from our mugs and I continued:

Me : “Like buying something expensive for myself. I wouldn’t give a second thought about what I wanted. I’d just fucking buy it and be a happy man. But now? It’ll have to be something practical for BOTH OF US to be even in the negotiation of getting it. Like a good Canon lens that I have longed for so long… my wife’s definitely going to get very mad if I ever spend that much for something like that. Ladies… they just won’t understand us guys.”

Friend : “Canon lens eh? What’s the use… If I get to have a wish granted, I’m going to get myself a mistress from China. And for that, my wife’s probably going to get more than mad… hahah…”

Me : “Well, you can always hide a mistress outside without your wife knowing. There’s still a way for you to get away with it, if you’re good. An expensive camera lens is different. You will have to bring it home anyway and you can’t hide it from your wife. I’d say, getting a mistress is much more easier than getting an expensive toy for your hobby… no shit…”

Friend : “Yeah… true true. Maybe we should get ourselves a mistress…”

I know that was said in a jest but my friend got a point there. What about keeping a mistress so that you can keep your illegally bought expensive stuff at her place? We can book her up as a virtual warehouse supervisor or something. And each time we visit that warehouse to retrieve our item, we’re gonna get a blowjob along the way as well. How awesome.

But of course I won’t do that. Mistresses are troublesome to begin with and they always want money. If I have money, I would have bought a more awesome camera or a sweeter ride for myself, and spend more time enjoying my new toys – I wouldn’t have enough time to have an affair or have feelings… (besides, most of the girls from China are a fucking turn off for me. 1) I don’t speak Mandarin. 2) They don’t shave their armpits.)

So ladies, the next time you see your husband buy himself something good for himself, just think about this: it takes a lot for him to bring home that item to face your wrath. He could have chosen to keep a mistress somewhere to be his warehouse supervisor, to safeguard his toys – but he didn’t. That’s why, you should give him a break. ‘Just give him a good backrub and cook him a nice meal’ —> (I read this somewhere…) – he’d probably repent and not buy the same item again next time.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 32 Comments