June 14, 2007

pizza sambal something something

crappy pizza

That was what I had at Pizza Hut. Pizza Sambal something something. Couldn’t register the name but it wasn’t important. What’s more important – is that this pizza sucks donkey cock. It’s the most awful pizza I’ve ever had in my life.

I should have known it when the waitress told me I can’t upgrade this pizza (sambal something something) to ‘stuffed crust’ (as I usually would). Like, what kind of a pizza is it that does not allow us to add extra cheese? I didn’t give much thought about that because I haven’t been very sane ever since Regine was born so, I just played along. Little did I suspect anything until I saw the wretched ‘thing’ served on my table. This… ‘thing’… isn’t actually a pizza at all. It’s actually a flattened piece of saucer-shaped cracker with weird garnishing on top.

And the garnishing, aren’t grated cheese, pickled organic dildo (read: cucumber) or pesto sauce, but encompasses mostly of fuckloads of anchovies. Not just any anchovies but, those deep fried hard-ass salt preserved anchovies, like those commonly found in our local pack of nasi lemak.

Don’t mistaken me, I have nothing against anchovies. In fact, I think anchovies are cool. But when you have a whole generation of deep fried super salty anchovies on top of some fine semi-delicatessen like a pizza, it can get really nasty. It feels like, stressing my teeth to the limit and testing out the reliability of my kidneys in a single meal. So, the whole experience was more like, eating anchovies with some crappy thin crust that no birds are gonna even peck.

Goddamn.

I’ve noticed that this isn’t the first time Pizza Hut came up with some innovative ideas by blending our local Malaysian flavors into their pizzas. I wonder what makes them think that this is a good idea. As far as I’ve seen them tried so many varieties, none of them were any good. This is Malaysia goddamn it. If us Malaysians want to have our kick of say, satay or chicken masala, we can just haul our ass to any hawker outlets and grab a bunch of those with just a fraction the cost of these stupid local flavored pizzas, isn’t it?

Which nulls this as an innovation overall, in my opinion. Hell if this is what they would refer as an ‘innovation’, then the hairs growing out of my bunghole (with randomized twirls and curls) would win me a Nobel prize. I can easily predict what their future specials would be in the very near future:

Cincaluk flavored pizza
Rojak flavored pizza
Roti Canai flavored pizza (beefed up with Tongkat Ali extract)
Roti John HongKong flavored pizza
Michael’s dick flavored pizza (makes you feel as if you’re fellating me – that’s damn more Malaysian than anchovies. It gives you the different kind of salty flavor, I assure you)
et cetera

What a terencat. Man why can’t they just leave pizzas as pizzas?

Just… stay away from this Sambal something something crap.

(the best pizza I ever had was at Lamar Street at Austin, Texas. USD5.99 eat-all-you-fucking-can lunch. It was so fucking awesome, that I whacked 3 large pies of pizzas myself… phewwwh)

michaelooi  | food  | 

34 Comments to “pizza sambal something something”

  1. Qoo says:

    It looks like “fu yong” egg to me ..hehe

  2. MT says:

    That looks… DIGUSTING!

    Why do Malaysian branches of fast food chains do stupid “localized” dishes?!

    KFC
    1. Had their fucking god-awful Curry flavoured chicken! Imagine fried chicken coated in curry powder and rolled in curry leaves!
    2. Now has their stupid “We must have rice!” set meal! If I wanted rice n chicken, I’d go to the mamak n order nasi goreng ayam!

    McDonalds
    1. Bubur Ayam McD: Stuff smells like vomit!

    Pizza Hut
    Too many to remember! Among their “superstars,” Satay Pizza, Tandoori Pizza and now, this Sambal Pizza.

  3. Little Ray says:

    Why did I laugh so hard? LOL. Thanks for making my day although I had to laugh at your misfortune. Any pizza here beats Malaysia’s Pizza Hut hands down. Maybe it’s time for a change? Say, Domino’s?

  4. Arkane says:

    haha, i learnt my lesson a tad earlier than you. i had banned any local flavored dish from fast food restaurants every since they launched that awful tasting satay chicken pizza.

  5. Domnioes came up with turkey pizza with cranberry sauce during Christmas a couple of years back. My parents said it was the worst damn pizza they ever had.

  6. Gen says:

    Malaysia boleh maaaaaaaah~

    anyway, KFC had their hot and spicy doing very well, its not a total loss, but they did try something stupid by trying to replace hot and spicy with their dumbass awful fried curry chicken. yea rice set my ass, same goes for mcdonalds porridge.

    well i guess the reason for them is make it a “family” restaurant to cater for the grannys whom lost their ability to chew?

  7. anas says:

    the only flavor from pizza hut that i like is hawaiian chicken…

    imagine if they come up with PIZZA SAMBAL BELACAN or PIZZA BUDU…haha

  8. Pah says:

    pizza hut sucks! i hate it with a passion.. i am all for italian pizzas.. the ones with thin crust.. hint of spices.. with tomatos, cheese, mushroom, pepperoni, etc.. something like the ones at Modesto’s or TSB..

    ah, yummy!

    in case of emergency, i’d call Domino’s.. WAY better than hut-hut shop… :)

  9. Je5sie says:

    Yea, I remember I tried a something-something pizza which has MANGO and PINEAPPLE and some weird sauce on it. Taste weird and not at all nice!! That is the time I told myself not to even think of trying Pizza Hut’s new innovative Pizzas..ever ever again!! haha..

  10. cbljkkj says:

    You should try California Pizza Kitchen in KLCC. That place served the best pizza I have ever eaten in Malaysia. The bread is prepared with honey in it pre-baking and really gives it a delectable flavour.

    You should really give it a try there. You wont be disappointed. Heres a link to salivate your taste buds in advance.

    http://www.cpk.com/

  11. oliviasy says:

    i dun like all these fancy flavouring-cum-colouring-cum-1001 ingredients pizza. pizza is pizza man! don’t add things like sambal, petai, jagung, satay, chendol etc etc!!! i just want a pizza!

  12. Adrian says:

    Pizza Hut is awful nowadays. Their pizza sucks. To be honest, even Domino Pizza or Canadian Pizza is better. California pizza in M’sia is OK only. The one I tried when I was in Dallas, U.S.A., is much better :P

  13. michaelooi says:

    qoo – Fu yong egg is much better than this crap, trust me

    MT – A shitty bowl of McD chicken porridge can actually buy us a few servings of REAL chicken porridge…

    little ray – I heard from a friend Domino’s good, but i have yet to confirm that.

    arkane – Well, at least i know now… and I’m doing the rest a favour by publishing this in my bloggie…

    unladen swallow – That sounds awful. Anything with cranberries can never be good for me. ugggh

    gen – There was once KFC also replaced the hot&spicy with tomyam – which tasted smack dab exactly like Maggie instant noodle assam laksa seasoning…

    anas – Yeah Hawaiian chicken is my favourite too.

    Pah – I’ve never actually had genuine Italian pizzas before… I’ve had Mexican, American, Singaporean and even Chinese locals (the one in Penang Sin Kim San Macalister Road was fucking awesome), but never tried Italian before. Gotta try that someday.

    Je5sie – Mango! What the fuck??

    cbljkkj – Best in Malaysia? You been to every spot in Malaysia meh? I know a stall in Penang that serves awesome pizza that’s very difficult to beat… try it first (see my reply to ‘Pah’ above)

    olivia – Ok I’ll give you pizza. I’m good at making pizzas when drunk. Just open mouth, and regurgitate onto an Astro dish – you’ll get pizza. ahahah

    adrian – Pizza… my dream is to start a pizza restaurant someday. If that dream becomes a reality, I’m gonna announce it in my blog… and you guys can come (my restaurant will DEFINITELY serve beer with pizza)

  14. bongkersz says:

    memang terencat lah. remember they came up with satay flavour pizza, tomyam shit pizza.. crap. I just want normal pizza. Not some pizza fusion with what local delicacies.. think this is like those lousy rojak songs, can simply pick and mix – mixed CNY songs anyone?

    p/s : can’t wait for your pizza restaurant michael :)

  15. Silencers says:

    “I haven’t been very sane ever since Regine was born so…”

    Dude, I honestly feel sorry for you. *pats your shoulder*

  16. the drowmage says:

    OMFG, how could you have eaten in Pizza Hut? That is, by far, one of the worst Pizza places, followed by Dominos, in the globe.

    Even the RM5 pizza at the market tastes oodles better.

    Nothing beats making your own pizza – trust me on this one. All you need is pizza dough, and lotsa lotsa lotsa meat and sauce. Oh, and an oven too. You get the picture…

    Oh, and beer… yeah..

  17. megabigblur says:

    I had this weird one at a Pizza Hut in Shanghai that had sliced hardboiled eggs on top.

    Seriously, pizza restaurants in Malaysia should headhunt mamaks from roti canai stalls, because the motion of flipping the pizza dough is quite similar to the motion of flipping a roti. Then we could get pizzas with fresh bread instead of sauce on top of a cardboard frisbee.

    LOL @ Anas…Pizza Budu? I think ppl would run away screaming.

  18. michaelooi says:

    bongkersz – And there shall only be hot waitresses punching your bills and flashing you smiles…

    silencers – Nah you’re not. But you will when you’re in the same situation in the near future

    drowmage – Pizza Hut isn’t actually that bad. There are a few selections from them which I think are quite cool – like their Hawaiian Chicken and Pepperoni. It’s just… some of their weird ass pizzas that make them suck (and I disagree about the RM5 pizza at the market. They definitely suck donkey cock as well…).

    megabigblur – If I’m not mistaken, budu is made from fermented anchovies and salt… so they’re not quite far behind from making it a reality. (the smell of budu always reminded me of my ex-lab-technician John’s stinking feet. ugggh)

  19. vincent says:

    Some dudes up there mentioned about KFC’s rice set. I agree, it sucks donkeys cock too.

    But in the kampung town where I work, people can’t seem to get enough of the KFC Nasi Ayam. Ahaks!

  20. dragonfish says:

    Just wait till they come out with ‘beer pizza’ or ‘get fucking drunk while you puke all nite pizza’…..

    Or just shit your ass all nite pizza / cirit birit pizza!

  21. kesh says:

    Last time this Dominic’s(or sth) Pizza, they served kaya flavoured pizza, garnished with cinnamon powder wtf!!

  22. pinksterz says:

    domino’s totally pwn pizza, IMO.

    and roti canai pizza? eat with fish head curry? xD

  23. Dr. Tan says:

    Mike are you, big and stocky? ahahha.

    Anyway, will await your restaurant so we’ll hop over and do a pizza-Jln Alor Kung Po Chicken barter k?

  24. EF says:

    you made me laugh so hard :)

    I make my own pizza nowadays. It’s too expensive to eat at pizza huts or real italian restaurants. Also, you can get really cheap, oily, stingily topped pizza baked by some Turkish or east Europeans for 5 USD.

    I’m not so prepared to pay 11 – 21 USD for an Italian pizza. Plus, isn’t it high time that Malaysia learns to use an oven?

  25. megabigblur says:

    Oh, cirit birit pizza definitely exists…and it’s not confined to Malaysia. Recently I went to a seminar at my uni (in the US) and they had free pizza but it was unbelievably greasy…one slice would soak through 3 paper napkins…you can guess the rest.

  26. michaelooi says:

    vincent – Kampung maaa… they get excited over what we city folks deemed as common…

    dragonfish – That sounds like somekind of a hentai tool… you’re sick, man

    kesh – Kaya! What the fuck indeed. Man this is getting too much. I thought I’ve seen the worst!

    pinksterz – Eh, some of the commenters up there claimed that Domino’s suck? What happened lar dey

    drtan – depends which part of my body you’re referring to… (ladies: wink wink)

    EF – Actually, money isn’t much of a problem for me (not that you’re eating it everyday, right)… but as long as it’s worth it…

    megabigblur – Our Pizza Hut pizzas are actually quite greasy as well. It’ll even soak a sanitary pad if left on it long enough… no shit

  27. Budiey says:

    yummy yummy i like pizza…
    try to cook la one day.

  28. jessbabe says:

    I still don’t get it why Malaysia fast food stores love to promote Malaysian local dish. Leave alone the local dish to the hawkers. Let fast food do their own thing. Totally agree with your statement.

  29. sasha says:

    only one person will know the taste of mike ooi’s dick pizza. Hahahah

  30. Oh, by the way, genuine Italian pizza is claimed not to have any meat in it. Or so my Dad says, he’s been to Italy before, so I might take his word for it.

  31. MJ says:

    If you come down to PJ area you should try Pizza Uno at Centre Point.

  32. michaelooi says:

    budiey – Sure, I’ll let you know if I did regurgitate on someone’s Astro dish.

    jessbabe – Yeah bebeh. Why localize a western cuisine when you’re basically not overseas?

    sasha – Oh man you see lai’s are very dirty minded ler…

    unladen swallow – Is it? Oh. But then, there’s no real definition of ‘genuine’. The Italians copied pizza from our Chinese pancakes so…

    MJ – I had pizza Uno once at KL with my buddies here sometime ago – Paultan, TheSnark, AuYong and a lady friend of their’s. The company was nice, the food’s not.

  33. And the Chinese copied noodles from the ancient Romans who had a incredible love for all things spaghetti.

  34. My Italian relative loves anchovies on his pizzas, which are made by very Italian chefs. I do not think it’s the anchovies fault. It’s what with it. Try parma ham on your pizza without fancy sauces, if you could find a place that serves it.
    I don’t think any of us would like really authentic Italian meals that originated from poor families in Italy, which are as bland as you could imagine.

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