May 3, 2007

i’m fucked

There have been a lot of changes in my workgroup lately. My boss has left, and now the whole function was taken over by this new boss (let’s call him Paul from now on…).

A few days ago, Paul met me up at the lab and told me a very disheartening news – that I am going to get a new female colleague, who is a young fresh graduate, and she shall be put under my tutelage until she eventually grows hair all over and capable to take her own flight.

Now, any normal bloke would be feeling excited about it, but not me. For I am not normal. That’s not what you call for someone who aspires to be the greatest goddamn engineer in the universe (that may sound a little bit exaggerated but, you get the idea. And no, I’m not gay either…).

You see, there can only be 2 outcome from this whole new situation

a) you get a hot female colleague – which means, a lot of distraction going on. Loose blouse, mini skirt, captivating scent. You won’t be able to concentrate on your work, for you have a whole new set of agenda to focus on. And it’s all about maximum fantasizing and minimum work done. Eventually, you’ll start to lose out in this competitive working world and sink at the bottom of the corporate food chain.

b) you get a colleague who looks like a rat version of Michael Jackson – self explanatory. Her presence alone is gonna cause occupational hazard. You feel like killing yourself every time she stretches out her hands to ask for help when her armpit stench slowly sterilizes your sexual drive. You’ll then start to lose out faith and hope, and if you’re lucky enough to not die of cancer, you’ll become a schizophrenic and start talking to your own nutsack.

On top of that, you’ll have to also
– contend with her somewhat erratic behavior at certain period of each and every month. (read: PMS)
– restrain yourself from cussing whenever she’s around (lest she’d feel ‘offended’ and report you to the ethics board)
– control your temperament lest she sends out company wide gossip about you being a sociopath.

Either way, you’re fucked. (of course, if you have situation (b), you’re double fucked.). I’m definitely fucked.

I just do not know what to do now. The way I see it, I won’t be able to blog from the office for at least the next few weeks, since she’ll be tagging around until she becomes a full grown hen. That’s not my idea of having a great time at work (I definitely won’t have enough time to clear my work and complete my project…)

Mahai… what an injustice for a nice guy like me… *sulks*


Btw, did you guys notice that ’50 most powerful/influential blogs in Malaysia’ crap recently? Man I can’t help but wonder how come some people can have so much free time in their hands. There must have been like, a dozen blogs out there echoing the same shit over and over again in span of 2 months. Like, what the fuck??? Can’t they get over it already??? Sheesh.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 

25 Comments to “i’m fucked”

  1. megabigblur says:

    Worst case scenario: She’s a reader.

  2. michaelooi says:

    yeah, that could be a bummer. I regretted the fact that I started this blog using my real name. I should have fucking used a pseudonym instead – like Warren Buffoon or something.

  3. mikelee says:

    Good Luck, dude! You need it. If situation a) happens to you, better pray and hope your wife understands the situation. (and that you are a loyal person) :)

  4. Adrian says:

    Well, look at it positively…

    You can get her to do the jobs that you don’t like to do. And then get her to do the tedious work while you can “supervise” her. Worse come to worse is tell your new boss she can’t do a good job and get rid of her.

  5. Unladen Swallow says:

    Or… she could be a second Panda! Joy to your world!

  6. Shar says:

    Michael’s new chick on her first day:
    Michoel, tiang kiu so much four glamolizing me. I neber tot ppl will talk abt me in internet. I feel is so good. Can help me put up my pics online?

    Seriously, women are a bit harder to work with. They got mood la, PMS la, feel-fat-day la, bad hair day la, not-enuf-sex day la.

    Good luck michael. Also, if she’s hot, you’ll also have to deal with those jackasses who’ll be buzzing ard ur cubicle like flies flirting with her. Good side: you can sell her hp number!

  7. vincent says:

    Speaking of which, I am also regretting using my real name online. Dammit!

    That 50 most powerful/influential blogs thingy done by various people is a way of people saying ‘you suck my cock, and i’ll suck yours’

    Mostly done for political or economic gain.

  8. michaelooi says:

    mike – I’ve met her. It wasn’t (a).

    adrian – I’ll never do things like that to a girl. At least not ‘tedious work’ (that’s third grade evilness dude). I was thinking of maybe simpler job like wiping my table or taking out the trash…

    unladen swallow – I’ve met her. She doesn’t look a wee bit like panda. (thank god!). Intellectual wise, I have no comment.

    shar – If you send me an iPod, I’ll ‘glamolize’ you too… (man that word sure sounded kinky)

    vincent – Well, looks like I’m getting fellated for no reason. My blog is ANYTHING but influential.

  9. Je5sie says:

    Sometimes it’s good to have a female colleague. It cultivates some softness in your manhood. If you’re dealing with only males, you might get too harsh with your words, actions and so on. You can also learn more bout young females so you know what’s in your daughter’s mind in the future. (when she blossoms into a young lady)

    p/s – Am I dragging too far? hehe.. but if my boyfriend gets a young female colleague, the above points are taken back! mwahaha (evil)

  10. michaelooi says:

    You can also learn more bout young females

    Errmmm, I already know A LOTTT about young females…ahem. Physically.

    (there’s no known possibility to understand the mentality of a female anyway, young or old. So, what’s there to learn really… )

  11. feizal says:

    Are you just saying that she’s not type A cuz your wife reads

  12. buaya69 says:

    bwahahahahaa! feizal is 65% evil!

  13. anas says:

    although you’re fucked, be grateful that you’re getting a female colleague, not a female boss, haha

  14. michaelooi says:

    feizal – Do you reckon that I’ll answer you ‘yes’ here if that’s really the case? Cmon dude. Gimme a break.

    buaya – And you’re 69%? ;-)

    anas – I’ve only had 1 female boss before in my whole life. And guess what? She’s the best boss I ever had.

  15. Primrose says:

    1 female boss in your life, eh? Regine or Emily? ;)
    First thing that came to my mind when I read Adrian’s comment was “Yeah, get her to crawl under the tables…and check for boogers!” Hahaha! Err, no, I wouldn’t have liked that. Heh!

  16. Dr. Tan says:

    Sexy time!

    Hey, cannot be in between meh? Like, soso hot.

    You are quite influential. There was once when I was swearing and ranting like you did.

  17. sasha says:

    oi u’re in the top 50 also right?

    u better pray that she’s a smart one. Otherwise you’ll be botak

  18. Shar says:

    Michael, answer Primrose!
    Regine or Emily?

    Actually, my first bosses were 2 females and they are great. The rest that I’ve been having (inlcuding the males) seems to fly out of CUnT of Hell

  19. picatho says:

    by right you should be felicitous and lucky of having a hot colleague instead of cold lady. If well communicated, you’ll be amazed of getting to know more about woman’s things and be erratic of getting helpful chores. Might be one day you’ll discover a well organized work desk that is decked with fresh flower and sticky note! Good luck!

  20. Zer0 says:

    Wow..a new twist and addition to the workforce. Things seem to be getting more interesting..

  21. Jase Lee says:

    Actually some idiots sit at home makes a lot of money by doing just that. And I kept on thinking what are we doing working, getting scolded for other people’s own frustration while making so little than those home bloggers…

  22. michaelooi says:

    primrose / shar – The female boss that I referred to was a real workplace boss lar. Aisehman…

    dr.tan – You made it sound as if I was the one who invented profanities.

    sasha – I’m not sure if she’s smart, or whether praying will make her smarter. I guess I’ll have to find out myself and devise a plan…

    picatho – Errrr… she’s not hot.

    Zer0 – I don’t find it interesting at all dude… especially when I’m already deluged with work and have to juggle my schedule to make her a hen.

    jase – They can gloat all they want. But you can imagine this – how would their kids describe their parents’ occupation in school. A professional blogger? A home loafer? Do you see what I see? ;-)

  23. Jase Lee says:

    This is what I would imagine:

    “Bapa saya kerja sebagai… er… brog… blog… Blogger Profesional. Tiap-tiap hari dia duduk di depan komputer dan… dan taip berbagai-bagai cerita dan orang lain akan masuk dan baca cerita bapa saya. Sekian terima kasih.”

  24. Shar says:


    I am sure our kids would be proud of u.

    Bapa saya Lee. Jase Lee. Blogger terunggul di Malaysia.

  25. Jase Lee says:

    You dare to say some more… call u always busy. Tak guna punya isteri…

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