April 17, 2007

X machine

*this post requires a great deal of reading, comprehension and imagination. Please be informed.

In its desperate bid to cut down spending and improve the financial status, Company X mandated that all the engineers in my department need to lead at least one cost reduction project in 2007 – else, we can all forget about any possibility of promotion. That’s why I am attending a whole week training about quality improvement this week. (It’s hard to earn an honest buck nowadays.)

Amongst the interesting topics that I’ve learnt today was – ‘LEAN’. ‘Lean’ manufacturing. ‘Lean’ process. ‘Lean’ shit.

‘Lean’ is about identifying and reducing wastage. It is a topic that requires some 12 full days training, and due to time constraint, we’re only allowed to skim the surface of it. There was also a mention by the trainer that ‘lean’ benefits the learner not only in his work life, but also in his everyday life – as its ideologies are applicable to virtually anything that one can think of. Which, made me ponder a little bit further about this ‘lean’ thing…

Now when I try to think ‘lean’ and associate it with our everyday activities, for some reasons unknown to me, I think about dogs. Dogs, when they eat, they fucking spill their food everywhere. Usually, 20 – 30% of them. And they always eat more than they should. Those are all wastage to me.

Maybe you don’t see it as critical as I do, but if you were to put this in cents, you’re talking about pouring your hard earned moolah into the garbage bin. Really. Having your dog spilling 30% of its food is akin to paying 100% for only 70% of the content. That’s bad karma people. There are literally millions of people struck by famine and poverty everyday, and you’re letting your dog do injustice to mankind by eating like a … dog. That’s fucked up man…

If you’re thinking ‘lean’, you wouldn’t let that happen in the first place. You’d either kill your dog, or you can use the ‘X machine’ – an innovation courtesy of my wandering mind during the lecture. Read on to find out what it is all about…

You see, we can actually design a machine that feeds our dog automatically without wastage. Here’s roughly how it should work. I’m gonna do this in point form for my convenience’ sake :

– Machine consists of a tube big enough to fit a domestic dog.
– One end of tube acts as the entrance for dog to walk in, the other, was a ‘special food bowl’ hooked to a microprocessor controlled food dispenser.
– An electronic weighing scale will also be placed under the tube to measure dog’s net weight.
– A 3D object scanner will be installed inside the tube to scan dog and data fed into a NURBs modelling program.
– When the 3D model of the dog plotted against the scale of tube, you’d get the average distribution of the size of the dog.
– Through some programming algorithm, you’d be able to easily convert the size and weight of dog into BMI (Body Mass Index).
– With appropriate reference to correlate a canine diet against its BMI, food will be dispensed accordingly to the ‘special food bowl’.

Now we have sort of eliminated problem number 2 – dogs eating more than what they should. They will not get more, but just enough and essential to keep them healthy.

Moving on to ‘curb wastage caused by spill’,

– a larger funnel will be placed under the bowl, streaming the spilled food into a, again… ‘microprocessor controlled’ high speed blender. (everything’s microprocessor controlled nowadays… so get used to it already)
– spilled food will fall into blender through funnel, and the blender will automatically mix spilled food with 3 parts of water.
– the mixture will then be pumped into a giant syringe and jabbed into the subject canine’s ass.

So, you see what wonders can this machine do already? Food will be dispensed according to dog’s BMI… and spilled food will be processed into liquid form and jabbed into the dog’s ass. If you have a sound general knowledge, you should know that the dog will learn its lesson through the jab (Pavlov’s theory – go read about it) and next time, the darn dog will realize that spilled food means painful ass. (and at the same time, we directly ‘inject back’ the spilled food into the dog without actually wasting them… how cool is that?)

Of course, there could be problems like the dog potentially damaging the machine when it shoots out from the tube (when needle stings its butt)… but that problem can be easily resolved by an automatic restraining claw. Eg. When syringe jabs the dog, a mechanical claw automatically pops up simultaneously to grab dog’s balls. Through Pavlov’s theory again, dog will know that dashing out of the tube is a BAD IDEA. *For female dogs (bitches), I’ll leave it for you guys to imagine yourself.

The whole thing may sound ridiculous but it’s actually all possible. We already have the technology and the ability to do it. It’s just, nobody has given a thought about it yet… until I was graced by the almighty God of all ‘lean’ thinking. (aren’t you guys feeling blessed already?)

You know, I am beginning to like this management training already…

(you guys let me know if you need any clarification… as I typed this whole thing with a foggy mind… Initially wanted to make an illustration for the machine, but I was too lazy to do it…)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

13 Comments to “X machine”

  1. Dr. Tan says:

    Fail Bio lah you dude. Haha.

    WTF is NURBs?

  2. EinsamSoldat says:

    Mike, thanks for the article. Looks like LEAN is one of those super high intensive training. BTW, LEAN seems to hide an insidious message LEAN aka Lesser Employees Asses Nailed …

  3. michaelooi says:

    drtan – NURBS is this lah, noob. (you’ll have to know something about 3D modelling to understand this…)

    einsamsoldat – Underpaid, overworked, ‘lesser’ is kinda like an understatement liao… I can’t even afford my own fucking iPod. That’s why I’m asking you guys to send me one. *isk isk*

    alright, off to training now.

  4. vincent says:

    Funnily enough, an idiot I knew at my oldworkplace tried something like that – cost saving (not the dog machine).

    However, that idiot’s proposed change was to cost much much more money to implement compared to the perceived savings. Imagine having to build a RM100 machine to save RM1/year….or something along those lines.

    His proposal presentation to the management lasted 10 minutes…no shits.

  5. Arkane says:

    You should submit your design to the American Inventor and go for the one million bucks prize money.

  6. low2215 says:

    damn .. don’t tell me this is the lean six sigma shit … i am also forced to take one of this project shit .. worst still i am not even in manufacturing line !!

  7. Adrian says:

    There is always a cause for cost-saving, or the so-called lean system. The purpose of all these is to:

    1. Let the boss cut your cost down so he can earn more.
    2. If big company, the share holder will be happy to earn more, at the cost of the workers.

    But if you look at it the other way, when a company is wasting money on useless things, they are in no better shape financially, so with cost-saving, it can boost the earning up, and use those savings into expanding, or even rewarding the workers. So yeah, you get the idea.

  8. michaelooi says:

    vincent – He might have not used the correct analysis tools to aid his cost saving effort. But hey, at least that ‘idiot’ tried… instead of doing nothing but complain all day… right?

    arkane – Nahhh, Americans generally waste more food than their dogs… Why bother…

    low2215 – Errr… Six Sigma and Lean aren’t quite the same thing, though both are often linked to cost saving efforts. Six Sigma is a concept to identify process variations through statistical analysis (or something like that), but Lean is about how not to financially fuck yourself up by spending on stuff you wouldn’t want to spend on.

    adrian – In large corporates, the boss don’t actually ‘earn more’ when his direct reports got their costs cut… but he does get the credit for a job well done on reducing the $$$ spent. And that reduced amount, will become one’s baseline for subsequent year’s target… until that somebody eventually fail to meet his goal and get the boot at the ass. That’s why, it is always wise not to be too good, as you’ll only going to set the bar higher for yourself (as expectations grow).

  9. megabigblur says:

    This is totally random but when you started writing about a dog in a box with a tube I thought of the Bonsai Kittens

  10. MT says:

    Bonsai Kitten… Hahahaha!!! That was an EXCELLENT prank pulled by students from MIT. They used some really creative writing and Photoshopped pictures to create this website.

    What was surprising was the number of morons who believed that this was true! All those stupid PETA and Greenpeace terrorists la.

  11. Shar says:

    Hee hee.
    Can you build one machine that will go ard, scan the working enviroment and eliminate ppl like your darling Elliot?

  12. madworld says:

    hell u could just kill the dog n save money

  13. michaelooi says:

    madworld – I like the way you think. But you have to understand this dude, I can’t write stuffs like that on my blog… lest I’d be cursed by those animal lovers (lover as in – ‘sex partner’)

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