*this post requires a great deal of reading, comprehension and imagination. Please be informed.
In its desperate bid to cut down spending and improve the financial status, Company X mandated that all the engineers in my department need to lead at least one cost reduction project in 2007 – else, we can all forget about any possibility of promotion. That’s why I am attending a whole week training about quality improvement this week. (It’s hard to earn an honest buck nowadays.)
Amongst the interesting topics that I’ve learnt today was – ‘LEAN’. ‘Lean’ manufacturing. ‘Lean’ process. ‘Lean’ shit.
‘Lean’ is about identifying and reducing wastage. It is a topic that requires some 12 full days training, and due to time constraint, we’re only allowed to skim the surface of it. There was also a mention by the trainer that ‘lean’ benefits the learner not only in his work life, but also in his everyday life – as its ideologies are applicable to virtually anything that one can think of. Which, made me ponder a little bit further about this ‘lean’ thing…
Now when I try to think ‘lean’ and associate it with our everyday activities, for some reasons unknown to me, I think about dogs. Dogs, when they eat, they fucking spill their food everywhere. Usually, 20 – 30% of them. And they always eat more than they should. Those are all wastage to me.
Maybe you don’t see it as critical as I do, but if you were to put this in cents, you’re talking about pouring your hard earned moolah into the garbage bin. Really. Having your dog spilling 30% of its food is akin to paying 100% for only 70% of the content. That’s bad karma people. There are literally millions of people struck by famine and poverty everyday, and you’re letting your dog do injustice to mankind by eating like a … dog. That’s fucked up man…
If you’re thinking ‘lean’, you wouldn’t let that happen in the first place. You’d either kill your dog, or you can use the ‘X machine’ – an innovation courtesy of my wandering mind during the lecture. Read on to find out what it is all about…
You see, we can actually design a machine that feeds our dog automatically without wastage. Here’s roughly how it should work. I’m gonna do this in point form for my convenience’ sake :
– Machine consists of a tube big enough to fit a domestic dog.
– One end of tube acts as the entrance for dog to walk in, the other, was a ‘special food bowl’ hooked to a microprocessor controlled food dispenser.
– An electronic weighing scale will also be placed under the tube to measure dog’s net weight.
– A 3D object scanner will be installed inside the tube to scan dog and data fed into a NURBs modelling program.
– When the 3D model of the dog plotted against the scale of tube, you’d get the average distribution of the size of the dog.
– Through some programming algorithm, you’d be able to easily convert the size and weight of dog into BMI (Body Mass Index).
– With appropriate reference to correlate a canine diet against its BMI, food will be dispensed accordingly to the ‘special food bowl’.
Now we have sort of eliminated problem number 2 – dogs eating more than what they should. They will not get more, but just enough and essential to keep them healthy.
Moving on to ‘curb wastage caused by spill’,
– a larger funnel will be placed under the bowl, streaming the spilled food into a, again… ‘microprocessor controlled’ high speed blender. (everything’s microprocessor controlled nowadays… so get used to it already)
– spilled food will fall into blender through funnel, and the blender will automatically mix spilled food with 3 parts of water.
– the mixture will then be pumped into a giant syringe and jabbed into the subject canine’s ass.
So, you see what wonders can this machine do already? Food will be dispensed according to dog’s BMI… and spilled food will be processed into liquid form and jabbed into the dog’s ass. If you have a sound general knowledge, you should know that the dog will learn its lesson through the jab (Pavlov’s theory – go read about it) and next time, the darn dog will realize that spilled food means painful ass. (and at the same time, we directly ‘inject back’ the spilled food into the dog without actually wasting them… how cool is that?)
Of course, there could be problems like the dog potentially damaging the machine when it shoots out from the tube (when needle stings its butt)… but that problem can be easily resolved by an automatic restraining claw. Eg. When syringe jabs the dog, a mechanical claw automatically pops up simultaneously to grab dog’s balls. Through Pavlov’s theory again, dog will know that dashing out of the tube is a BAD IDEA. *For female dogs (bitches), I’ll leave it for you guys to imagine yourself.
The whole thing may sound ridiculous but it’s actually all possible. We already have the technology and the ability to do it. It’s just, nobody has given a thought about it yet… until I was graced by the almighty God of all ‘lean’ thinking. (aren’t you guys feeling blessed already?)
You know, I am beginning to like this management training already…
(you guys let me know if you need any clarification… as I typed this whole thing with a foggy mind… Initially wanted to make an illustration for the machine, but I was too lazy to do it…)