After hearing so much hype about this movie over many months, I finally managed to lay my hands on a copy of “Apocalypto” DVD. Watched it over the weekend and guess what? It wasn’t that great after all. So much about the ‘gore factor’ and stuffs. I was expecting something deeper and more meaningful, something like “Dances With Wolves”… (because for some reason, motion pictures featuring tribals always give me an impression that they’re always about stories that are emotionally engaging and spiritually thought provoking…).

But not this one. This one turned out to be another hackneyed ‘Mel Gibson formula’ - you know, peace loving hero had his friends/family robbed off his life by unscrupulous villains, then made to go through an episode of death defying torment and finally made a comeback as a badass one-man-army to eradicate all his nemesis. It’s nothing new really. We have watched stories like these retold a couple times before under his sleeve. “Braveheart”. “The Patriot”.

These 3 movies seem to share the same plot. Just a theme change, like my Sony Ericsson phone theme. 2007, Mayan tribals. 2009, it’ll be about some orang asli at Cameron Highlands… fighting bigfoot at Johor perhaps. The story could have used a more intelligent plot.

And there were also a lot of flaws. Let’s not even talk about the historical accuracies. It’s the scientific ones that bothered me. One of them was the sacrificial scene. In the flick, it was shown that the (male) victim was made to lay on his back on top of a granite stump-like structure, and the priest would then use a knife to disembowel the poor dude at the belly and take out his heart.

See the problem here already?

The heart is actually located at the (usually) left side of the chest. How the fuck did the priest remove a person’s heart through the belly? Well, the priest could, IF… he were to shove both his hands all the way from the belly up to the chest area… along with the crudely made big ass tribal knife… then with a precise surgical precision, severe the arteries and remove the heart out. Like Jack the Ripper multiplied by ten. But that didn’t seem to happen in the movie. The priest would just reach inside the belly, and he took out the heart as if he was picking up a Zippo lighter to burn his Cuban cigar. Oh puhleez… (but the beheading scenes were pretty cool though…)

And there’s also this part, where the hero’s pregnant wife was trapped inside a cavern-hole with his kid. At the finale, it rained heavily and it was shown that she’s about to drown until the very last minute before the hero managed to get to her in time to rescue her. I was thinking, couldn’t she just hold on to the jagged walls of the cavern and literally ‘float’ up to the surface as the water level rises? In reality, it’s very easy to do that and you don’t have to be a seasoned swimmer to figure that out. The whole thing doesn’t have to be so dramatic.

And so on.

The movie was just barely surpassing the ‘ok’ mark for me. The plot was very predictable and it wasn’t as edgy as I’ve expected it to be. (I would have ranked this movie lower than “The Departed”). A DVD should be sufficient, but don’t expect too much out of it.

Did I mention that my cellphone gave up on me during CNY? Yeah, somehow… my old Nokia 3120’s antenna mysteriously went flat for permanent which almost made me miss a few important appointments to discuss about world hunger. Not wanting the same boo boo to happen again, I went to shop for a new phone… and got myself this baby - Sony Ericsson K750i. Not a very new phone but it’s got mp3 and shits… which are more than good enough for me.

So for these 2 weeks, I’ve been frolicking around with the phone and so far, I’ve came up with my own theme and also edited a rather uplifting mp3 track - called ‘Stella’ - as my ringtone. I was thinking… when I was taking a dump at the toilet today… of sharing this ringtone with you people… you know, in view of the lack of kickass ringtone out there for download.

If any of you would like to have a copy of that ringtone, or perhaps the k750i theme that I’ve made myself, feel free to drop me an email at :

I’ll send it over to you… courtesy of michaelooi.net. More information about the 2 files:

Ringtone
Name: stella.mp3
Size: 954KB
Length: 61 secs.

Theme
Name: michaelooi_dot_net.thm
Size: 60KB
Screenshot:

Cheers.

I was waiting for someone with a few colleagues of mine for lunch when I saw something disturbing - an agonizing sight of a fat chick about 30 years of age… kohl rimmed eyes, rebonded straight hair, a face full of what resembled white construction plaster, complemented with a body hugging tight black blouse that accentuated her ridges of blubber out like a (big ass) stick of lotus root… and a pair of taut black pants at the verge of splitting apart from high tension caused by her super-volume of cellulites and flesh.

I went like “Uggghhhh! What the fuck!” before realizing that she was actually FeiHai (not to be mistaken with the same metaphorical character I’ve created here…), the most talked about person amongst the engineers in my department. ‘Most talked about’ - because of her somehow odd relationship with an ex-colleague of mine named Patrick - who was also one of everyone’s most hated characters in Company X.

The time I saw FeiHai plodding her turgid physique out from the employee entrance with a fake gait of catwalk, she was waving to one of my lunch members, exchanged a couple of short greets and then disappeared into a heap nearby. Looking at my colleague, I asked him:

“Dude, was that FeiHai, Patrick’s girlfriend?”
“Yeah, but they’ve broken up recently”
“Really? Good for Patrick then. I mean, look at that fat shit.. omg.”
“You know what? She’s a client of Marie France’s!”

It actually got my jaw dropped onto the floor and my brain reset itself a few times to process that statement with an extreme case of wrong checksum.

“WHAT!? You fucking kidding me? So that was suppose to be the ’slim’ version of her!?”
“I don’t know man, that was what she’s been telling everyone.”

You heard me right. FeiHai has been telling everyone that she actually paid 20 grands to complete a slimming course at Marie France. For what purpose, I’m not sure. What I’m sure, is that she’s anything but slim.
Maybe it was a case gone wrong…
Maybe she actually slimmed down from the size of a giant landfill…
Maybe she just wanted to brag…
Or maybe it was all a bluff, you know… a desperate bid to mindfuck everyone to think that her obesity was just an illusion… she’s actually a rich good looking supermodel trapped under the skin of a whale from a curse… and she need someone to rub her dimpled lardy thigh to free her from that terrible curse.

Whatever it was, she could have used some self realization about her physical condition and practiced a little decency (and humility)… instead of making up that Marie France shit to impress her friends - which I think are more inclined to think that she’s stupid (for spending that amount of money for a treatment that yields zero result) instead of being cool.

Weird things that chicks do to fit in the modern society…

Hi it’s me again. The chef side of me. If you don’t know the ‘chef me’, you should probably fucking die. If you do, well, feel excited already and read on.

Today, I’m gonna teach you guys how to tweak a butter sandwich into a caffeine laden awesomeness - by combining coffee and butter in the same sandwich. You may probably ask ‘how the fuck is that possible??”. Well, in the realms of a great chef, anything’s possible. That’s why you have me here doing community services for you clueless blips out here.

Alright, let’s not waste anymore time shall we? Let us see what we need to create this great piece of art here.

1) Instant freeze dried coffee. Please do not be stupid enough to buy blended coffee beans. Those shits are not edible. They’re to be brewed and sifted away, not to be ingested directly. I repeat here, we need INSTANT freeze dried coffee powder. If you do not have a brand in mind, I’d recommend this - Nescafe Espresso freeze dried coffee. A wee tad pricey but, trust me, this one rawks like a hurricane.

2) Salted butter. Not just any butter, but one processed from the milk of a Virgo cow. If you couldn’t find that, get an alternative like SCS or Anchor. Like the coffee, these brands are top of the notch brands. If you can’t afford a better butter, don’t be eating breads. And if you’re thinking of substituting it with a margerine, don’t. Margerines suck donkey cock and they’re junk food for hippies.

3) White sugar. Any regular sugar. They’re all the fucking same anyway.

4) Sliced white bread. Not wholemeal, bran meal or whatever grain meal. Those breads taste like shit. We just need white breads. A good one that is (we’re making a masterpiece here, so, get something good). Gardenia’s good enough.

5) Proper tools to do the job. A good quality butter knife and a comfortable-to-hold teaspoon. Butter knife for the butter, teaspoon for sugar and coffee. DO NOT ever use a spoon to spread butter on your bread - it might cause unpredictable results. Always remember to use proper tools for the proper job. (have you seen your dad polish his car with a tampon? That figures…)

Alright, first, get 2 symmetrical slices of white bread and lay it out on a clean plate.

Spread the salted butter on the 2 slices of bread with the butter knife. Now, if you can remember what your art teacher used to tell you not to over-paint your artwork out of its outline? Well, this would be the time you put that skill into a good use. Carefully spread the butter, not to overspread it out of the sliced bread’s edge. Like this:

Next, sprinkle some white sugar evenly on each slice of the buttered bread. Use the spoon to do it. The grains of sugar should stick on the buttered surface. If they don’t, well, acknowledge that your uselessness has just defied the laws of gravity and you should probably quit making your own sandwiches.

Then comes the coffee. Like the sugar, sprinkle the coffee powder on the surface of both slices of bread with the same spoon. You should practice caution not to over-sprinkle it as well. Too much of it, the sandwich will taste bitter. Too little, it’ll lose it’s supposedly distinctive awesome coffee taste. It has to be at that right ratio with the sugar. Use your instincts.

Both slices are now done. Now you need to assemble both of them into one. The spreaded surface should be the point of contact for the assembly (If for some reason you made a mistake and slapped the non-spreaded surface together, you ought to get your IQ checked). Try to line them up as perfect as possible just so that the spread doesn’t protrude out at the sides - which might stain your hand or worse, your favourite sofa.

You can add sliced or grated cheese to your liking. But for me, I like it plain like this. The cheese would spoil the coffee taste and also, too much dairy stuffs will fuck your arteries.

Once you’ve got it, eat it. Now, don’t you feel smarter already?

I had the best Valentines gift evarrrrr

it’s white,
it’s small
and it’s precious. Photo after the jump.

Read more…