March 5, 2007

super awesome butter sandwich

Hi it’s me again. The chef side of me. If you don’t know the ‘chef me’, you should probably fucking die. If you do, well, feel excited already and read on.

Today, I’m gonna teach you guys how to tweak a butter sandwich into a caffeine laden awesomeness – by combining coffee and butter in the same sandwich. You might be probably asking now, ‘how the fuck is that possible??”. Well, in the realms of a great chef, anything’s possible. That’s why you have me here doing community services for you clueless blips out here.

Alright, let’s not waste anymore time shall we? Let us see what we need to create this great piece of art here.

1) Instant freeze dried coffee. Please do not be stupid enough to buy blended coffee beans. Those shits are not edible. They’re to be brewed and sifted away, not to be ingested directly. I repeat here, we need INSTANT freeze dried coffee powder. If you do not have a brand in mind, I’d recommend this – Nescafe Espresso freeze dried coffee. A wee tad pricey but, trust me, this one rawks like a hurricane.

nescafe espresso

2) Salted butter. Not just any butter, but one processed from the milk of a Virgo cow. If you couldn’t find that, get an alternative like SCS or Anchor. Like the coffee, these brands are top of the notch brands. If you can’t afford a better butter, don’t be eating breads. And if you’re thinking of substituting it with a margerine, don’t. Margerines suck donkey cock and they’re junk food for hippies.

3) White sugar. Any regular sugar. They’re all the fucking same anyway.

4) Sliced white bread. Not wholemeal, bran meal or whatever grain meal. Those breads taste like shit. We just need white breads. A good one that is (we’re making a masterpiece here, so, get something good). Gardenia’s good enough.

5) Proper tools to do the job. A good quality butter knife and a comfortable-to-hold teaspoon. Butter knife for the butter, teaspoon for sugar and coffee. DO NOT ever use a spoon to spread butter on your bread – it might cause unpredictable results. Always remember to use proper tools for the proper job. (have you seen your dad polish his car with a tampon? That figures…)

Alright, first, get 2 symmetrical slices of white bread and lay it out on a clean plate.

Spread the salted butter on the 2 slices of bread with the butter knife. Now, if you can remember what your art teacher used to tell you not to over-paint your artwork out of its outline? Well, this would be the time you put that skill into a good use. Carefully spread the butter, not to overspread it out of the sliced bread’s edge. Like this:


Next, sprinkle some white sugar evenly on each slice of the buttered bread. Use the spoon to do it. The grains of sugar should stick on the buttered surface. If they don’t, well, acknowledge that your uselessness has just defied the laws of gravity and you should probably quit making your own sandwiches.


Then comes the coffee. Like the sugar, sprinkle the coffee powder on the surface of both slices of bread with the same spoon. You should practice caution not to over-sprinkle it as well. Too much of it, the sandwich will taste bitter. Too little, it’ll lose its supposedly distinctive awesome coffee taste. It has to be at that right ratio with the sugar. Use your instincts.


Both slices are now done. Now you need to assemble both of them into one. The spread surface should be the point of contact for the assembly (If for some reason you made a mistake and slapped the non-spreaded surface together, you ought to have your head checked). Try to line them up as perfect as possible just so that the spreads do not protrude out at the sides – which might stain your hand or worse, your favorite sofa.

You can add sliced or grated cheese to your liking. But for me, I like it plain like this. The cheese would spoil the coffee taste and also, too much dairy stuffs will fuck your arteries.

Once you’ve got it, eat it. Now, don’t you feel smarter already?

michaelooi  | food  | 

16 Comments to “super awesome butter sandwich”

  1. Arkane says:

    I always have problems to sprinkle the sugar evenly with a teaspoon. You know, to make sure that the grains are evenly dispersed and not clump together. Ditto the coffee powder. Maybe they should come up with a sugar / coffee sprinkler. The holes in salt and pepper sprinklers are too fine for sugar.

  2. Dr. Tan says:

    Mmmm… Canon lens cap.

    Kenapa tarak Ultrasonic mia?

  3. ashotiwoth says:

    u obviously have too much time on your hands bro……..

  4. sasha says:

    nice tile…itu MML punya ka?

  5. michaelooi says:

    arkane – Ahhh the shaky shaky hands. Dude, cut down your jacking activities… it’ll improve.

    dr.tan – You mean, the self cleaning ultrasonic wave feature? No. I wield a 350D, no such feature. (and what has that got to do with my lens cap?)

    anand – It’s the weekend for christsake! How busy do you want me to be? aisehman!

    sasha – Errrrmmm, yes?

  6. jannz says:

    nenek wa pun pandai buat ni sandwich… dia lagi ‘kheng’, put all those jintan manis and shitz.. lol.. ;Þ

  7. sien says:

    Haha… mmm…. tasty. I can see Regine’s daily brekky when she start skool. Of cos you’ll minus d caffeine rite…

  8. Shar says:

    drizzle some chocolate sauce
    sugar high + caffiene

  9. Adrian says:

    Like that also can? I can make better sandwich than that :>

  10. Aaron Chua says:

    Can substitute with many other types of drink, for example milo?
    But anyway, I like to try this for once.

  11. michaelooi says:

    jannz – You’re comparing me with your grandma? wow, should I feel flattered or what… I didn’t know we’re in the same league!

    sien – I’d let her have coffee when she’s old enough… no shit

    shar – Or you can buy a bar of chocolate and shave it in… (but that’s too much work see…)

    adrian – You’re just jealous, I can tell…

    aaron – Yeah, why not? You can add whatever you want. Tongkat ali, viagra, panadol… anything goes…

  12. Omake says:

    Try toasting it 1-2 minutes.. It’ll taste like heaven..

  13. Dr. Tan says:

    Nono.. Ultrasonic motor. USM. The focusing motor.

    I wield a 300D. Slow, but still pretty well loved.

  14. michaelooi says:

    It’s in my wish list… but haven’t got the heart to buy it yet. My target? EF 28-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS USM. ‘THE’ all-rounder lens. I can get it at dealer price, but it’s just still too expensive for me.

    Currently plan to stick with the kit lens till it breaks or something… *sigh*

  15. tyra says:

    try nutella & banana..heavenly..if extra time..coat d bread wif egg, pan fried and spread the nutella/banana/honey…yum yum :)

  16. Nicevil says:

    This is basically a bread with butter and sprinkles of dried coffee powder.

    It could be better…. if you prepare it ala french toast style, Mmm mmm.

    Beat up some eggs, add sugar, coffee powder, cover the bread with it, and lightly fry it with butter as oil…. gives a nice fragrant style, and softens the breads texture too.

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