Archive for March, 2007

March 28, 2007

think out-of-the-box

I was doing a withdrawal at the ATM yesterday when suddenly a smartly dressed old man came right up to a machine next to mine. I took notice of him because he had this strong asshole aura around him. From the first look of his attire, I reckoned that he must be either a vice president or a director from a nearby corporation. A ‘winner’ in the society. Like, who else wears a long sleeved shirt in the middle of a hot sweltering afternoon? Either a salesman or top management people like him. (and he’s too frigging old to be a salesman)

Old man looked very focused. He was completely oblivious to everything that was happening around him. He looked like he was cracking his head thinking about some serious work stuff, but his body was in ‘autopilot’ mode – probably a routine which he had been through for so many years that he only requires half of his brain to get them going. And that was when the problem started.

You see, he was using only half of his brain, maybe less… to run his errands. The rest of the resources? Used up by some other important tasks. That was why he didn’t realize that the machine he was trying to use was out-of-order. There was a sign on the screen of the auto-teller machine telling everyone that. I took a snap of the sign with my phone :

ATM machine
sorry for the poor quality. I was doing a walk-by shooting with my phone

As you can see, it was a big ass sign. But old man’s half working brain failed to detect that sign. It was somehow beyond what his half brain power could process. Without suspecting anything, he shoved his card into the machine and the damn thing started to blink like mad. And when he was about to key-in his pin number, then WHAM! His brain bitch-slapped a fatal exception error screen across his vision and he started to panic. MACHINE NOT WORKING MACHINE NOT WORKING!!! He started to clap his hands repeatedly with a wide eyed expression (it was a rather odd reaction… I have to admit)

“SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!” – I could hear him cuss at himself under his breath.

Then he started to frantically press the buttons on the ATM, probably hoping that it would explode inside and spit out his precious card. Miraculously, it actually worked. The machine spat out his card (it didn’t explode if you’re wondering…) and he quickly grabbed it like what he’d do to a tit after being released from a 20 year jail term. He stood there for like 10 or so seconds, apparently unable to believe how screwed up it was of him for failing to see that sign. Man, what if the sign was not a harmless plastic, but a rampaging mad man wielding a cleaver? He’d be minced to pieces like a pig inside a slaughterhouse. What the fuck indeed.

It was then a young lad holding a helmet walked pass where he was standing and saw him pausing there like a stump, and gave him this weird look. Quick thinking old man noticed that, and in a split second, thought of an excuse to redeem his self esteem by thinking out-of-the-box, like what he had uttered millions of times to the bevy of employees under his leadership, and said to the young lad…

“This is not right. They should have covered the card feeder instead… so that people won’t accidentally shove in their card to this defective machine…” [shook his head like a really smart champ]

I was compelled to chide the man “CAN’T YOU FUCKING SEE THE BIG ASS SIGN THERE TELLING YOU IT’S OUT OF ORDER, MORON??”, but then, I didn’t. That’s because Penang is such a small place. Who knows… one day this motherfucker might become my boss or something. I chose not to provoke him…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 17 Comments
March 26, 2007

the spot is yours

On our way home from work, inside the car, last Friday…

Emily : “Giving birth to a baby is such a difficult thing, man. I really got to salute all the mommies in this world…”

Me : “Hmmm…” [*groan]

Emily : “It is something that you guys will never ever understand. The pain… oh my god…”

I suddenly felt like becoming a smartass…

Me : “I actually can understand that. It’s like… having this really big piece of shit straining its way out of your sphincter… it’s badass, I know…” [I was actually thinking about a somewhat similar answer I gave to my colleague a few years ago...]

Emily : “What?? No!! It’s like… pain all over your body except the hair… you get what I mean??”

Me : “Alright, yeah… whatever…”

I was thinking of answering her this – “That’s why God gave you ladies the ability to have multiple orgasms. THAT… comes at a price bebeh…”, but then, I decided to just give it to the ladies.

Of course we guys will never understand how painful it is to give birth to a baby – just like how we humans will never understand why a dog needs to lick another bitch’s ass before he decides to mount and hump. It’s impossible because we’re biologically different from each other, see? And of course, that makes you girls the greatest. Like, who else is qualified enough to claim that number one spot? You’re the champ, girls. We guys are just the recessive species for your dominant existence and we play no roles at all in human evolution. Just a mere keh-leh-feh

Happy now? So will you girls drop the topic already? Thank you.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 16 Comments
March 23, 2007

small scale bureaucracy

I want to relate about an incident I encountered yesterday. But before I do that, I’d need you to peruse the following picture.

carrefour food court

What you see up there is a potpourri food counter located at Carrefour foodcourt. It is run by a Malay bloke and 2 ladies – whom I think must be his wife and mother-in-law. The food counter is kind of square in shape… and it has different types of food displayed at each side.

Alright ya’ll… now that we’ve covered the essentials, we shall proceed with the story.

I had just finished my lunch and was standing at location “A”. I intended to buy a glass of ice blended coffee (which was inside that blue auto-stirring container), but there wasn’t anyone around to take my order. So I strode a little to the right and saw the older lady standing behind the pasembur display.

I gestured to the old lady – ‘Can you get me a glass of this?’, pointing at the ice-blended coffee machine.

Old lady gestured back, she couldn’t.

For what reason? I don’t frigging know. But she did alert the younger lady server there, which then, I also gestured to ask – ‘Can you get me a glass of this?’, again, pointing at the ice-blended coffee in the machine. I was expecting her… like… you know, to come over to fucking pour me my ice-blended coffee already? But she wouldn’t.

Instead, she gestured me to go over towards where she was standing – at location “B” – right in front of the cash register.

I gestured – ‘I want this coffee, not you’. She then yelled “Pay first!” in Malay. I was like, what the fuck? Man why can’t she haul her ass over to get my order right and I’ll pay at the register after that? I was literally choking with the dry fried chicken skin that I had for lunch earlier and I needed something to wash it down pronto. Since I just fucking want my coffee and did not want to make an issue out of it, I complied to her request without kicking a fuss.

Over at location “B”, the Malay bloke was behind the counter. Next to him, was that fucking bitch (fitch) that yelled “Pay first!”. Malay bloke then asked me with an expressionless look : “May I help you?”. (Quite ironically, at the time when the Malay bloke was asking that question, the fitch ambled to location “A”, which she refused to go earlier).

I answered, “I’d like to have a glass of that ice-blended coffee THERE” [pointed at location "A" with a little hint of sarcasm in it]

Malay bloke punched some keys on the register and said “That’ll be 2.63 please”. I paid and then he hollered across the floor to fitch who was waiting right beside the ice-blended coffee machine at location “A” –

“ONE ICE-BLENDED COFFEE!”

Fitch demodulated the soundwave sent by her stolid husband and converted it into action – she dispensed out my ice-blended coffee into a disposable plastic glass and I finally got the fucking coffee to flush away the chicken skin lodged inside my throat.

o__O”

Seriously, it still escapes me why would she (or they) require me to have my order taken through proxy (her fucking husband)? Like I said, she could have just have my order taken directly at location “A”, and while she prepares my takeaway, I could have gone to pay for the goddamn coffee… Why is it so fucking hard for them to figure that out? Sheesh.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 23 Comments
March 21, 2007

essential manglish

Some of my Malaysian slang contributions at DrLiew’s wiki site. (Chinese explanations courtesy of DrLiew)

*****

KNN
Abbreviation for ‘Kan Ni Nia’ [kuhn-nee-neeuh]

Mandarin : 幹你娘 Kan Ni Niang, Hokkien : 幹你老母 Kan Ni Lao Bu (Kan Ni Nao), Cantonese : 屌嚟老母 (Diu Lei Lou Mou)

interjection (Slang (vulgar))
the hokkien equivalent of ‘fuck your mother’. Also known as KaNiNeh.
Kan Ni Nia! Somebody fucking keyed my car!”
KaNiNeh you! What the fuck are you doing here!?”

*****

tiu.nia.seng
[dyoo-nee-uh-sey-ng]

Origin : 屌你阿星, Cantonese. Meaning ‘fuck your punjabi’s (asshole)’.

Interjection (Slang (vulgar))
Used as an expression of dismay/disgust/disapproval of something. (usually followed by suffix ah).
Tiu nia seng ah! Having sex with her is like raping a rug!”

*****

kau or gow
[kou]
Mandarin writing : 鸠
Dialect : Cantonese

noun
the Cantonese equivalent of ‘dick'; male copulatory organ
Hoi lor hoi thiu gow, ferng hoi thiu loi” [translation: He took out his dick, and used it to whip his girlfriend]

adjective (Slang(vulgar))
Used as an intensifier. Equivalent to ‘fuck’ in its adjective form.
Tar gow hoi thiu loi” [translation: Fucking beat up his girlfriend]
“Mm lei gow hoi” [translation: Wouldn't give a fuck about him/her]

*****

omputih
[om.poo.teh]

noun (Slang)
Malay. Derived from ‘orang putih‘ which means a foreigner of European descent, White guy
Orang Melayu makan tupat, Orang Cina makan babi, Orang Hindu minum tonik, Omputih jilat puki

adjective (Slang)
Malay. Something pertaining English
Cakap omputih.” [speaks English]

*****

phordah
[paw.dahh]

interjection 1
Tamil. Used to express intense disbelief, ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’, ‘yeah right…’
“I saw a dog as big as a cow that day…” – “Phordahhh!”

interjection 2
Tamil. equivalent of English ‘fuck off’ or ‘leave me alone’.
Credit card promoter: “Sir would you like to consider our free for life promotion…”, Me: “Phordahhh!!”

*****

puki
[poo.kee]

noun (Slang (vulgar))
the Tagalog equivalent of vagina/cunt/cooter
Le mah puki!” [translation: Your mother's cunt!]

adjective (Slang (vulgar))
used to describe something that’s fucked up or abominable. Extremely derogatory.
Puki kau! Kah limpeh!” [That puki dog bit me!]

interjection (Slang (vulgar))
Used as an exclamation of intense dismay or anger.
Puki! I missed the train!”

*****

so.hai
[saw.hahy]

noun (Slang (vulgar))
Cantonese. an extremely foolish person; fool
“She was cheated off her virginity by that bomoh. What a sohai!”
“That sohai attacked his own mother last night thinking that she’s a burglar.”

adjective (Slang (vulgar))
Cantonese. used to describe someone who’s unbelievably gullible and foolish (and stupid).
“My sohai boss don’t know how to operate a photocopy machine.”
“Why are you so fucking sohai!? How many times have I told you not to hang around with that loser???”

*****

tiu
[dyoo]
Chinese writing : 屌
Dialect : Cantonese (diu); Hakka (diao)

verb 1 (vulgar)
the Cantonese equivalent of ‘fuck’.
Hoi lou tau, tiu hoi lou mou” [translation: His father fucks his mother]

verb 2 (Slang(vulgar))
To scold, reprimand, rebuke
“His boss tiu-ed him for failing to complete the project.”

interjection 1 (Slang(vulgar))
Used as an exclamation to express shock, consternation.
Tiu lor! What the fuck happened to your face? Did your boyfriend turkey slap you again?”

interjection 2 (Slang(vulgar))
To express a situation that’s going to lead to a very serious trouble or consequences (usually prefixed with ‘pei yan‘ – which means, ‘to let somebody’ – when combined, it literally translates to ‘to let somebody fuck’)
Pei yan tiu lor! Pei yan tiu lor! There’s a police road block in front! Stop sucking and zip up my pants! Quick!”

*****

Class, dismiss.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 17 Comments
March 19, 2007

only in Bolehland…

Published in TheStar yesterday:

Showcause letter for technician in CCTV case

PENANG: The Penang Municipal Council will hold a final meeting on March 30 to list the charges against its technician who was alleged to have focused his close-circuit television camera on a reporter’s thighs.

Council secretary Ooi Chin Loo said the council’s disciplinary committee would also issue a show-cause letter to the technician who had since been transferred to another section within the department.

“He will be given time to answer to the letter,” he told newsmen after opening a Taman Kejiranan (Neighbourhood Garden) at Jalan Tengah yesterday.

On Nov 10 last year, a reporter spotted the images of someone’s thighs on the CCTV monitor in the control room located next to the public gallery.

Newsmen covering the full council meeting were shocked to find the CCTV camera zooming in on a New Straits Times reporter’s thighs.

There will only be 3 words inside the ‘showcause’ letter. – I WAS HUMSUP.

Seriously, that guy was caught zooming a CCTV camera onto a chick’s thigh… what else could he be doing other than peeping an upskirt? Doing a biological observation on some rare wild orchids known to grown inside human skirts? And what difference is it going to make with that ‘showcause letter’? Pfffffhhh

michaelooi  | snippets  | 14 Comments