Archive for February, 2007

February 28, 2007

a case of boner

A girl colleague of Emily’s has a sister who is expecting a baby boy soon. That girl colleague was relating about her sister’s dilemma to Emily; on choosing the ideal Christian name for that baby, specifically, one that matches his already given Chinese name; ‘Le Yang’ (which means ‘Happy Sun’ or some shit like that in Mandarin).

Emily was quick to suggest a rather nice name – Ryan – which the girl colleague took rather positively. (it also kinda phonetically sounds very close to ‘Le Yang’). But it wasn’t until today when that girl colleague get to talk to her sister on the phone and suggested the name ‘Ryan’ for her baby boy… and this was how her sister reacted :

“You suggested to name my baby ‘LION’!? Why don’t you name your baby TIGER instead??”

I don’t fucking know if she pronounces ‘lion’ as ‘ryan’ or is it the other way round… but what I know is, these ah lians never fail to amuse everyone at the least expected time. Ouggghh my fucking godd *wipes tears*

That girl colleague later told Emily – “Forgive my sister, for she’s a bit of an ah lian and her Engrish is not that powderful…” – like, no shit!

michaelooi  | characters  | 12 Comments
February 26, 2007

screwed up and revolting

I was bar hopping with my regular buddies just the other night and saw a car make an abrupt stop by a busy street. 3 young punks then leapt out of that heavily modified vehicle and ran towards a pub. Knowing that they could only be up to no good, we hopped along, in hope that we’d be able to catch something exciting out of it.

Sure enough, after running about a good 50 meters, we saw something hot brewing right in front of a popular pub. The 3 punks we saw earlier joined in a big mob of punks who were already there. From the look of it, they were like attempting to raid the pub or something, but were impeded by a few stout bouncers. The bouncers were outnumbered by about 4 to 1, but were very much bigger in size. I reckon that any one of the bouncers could seriously flip a few of those skinny fart punks with just a flail of an arm… no shit… but that didn’t seem to be a deterrent factor at all for the offensive mob. They hurled insults like professionals, and were very adamant to get inside the pub – you know, just like the kind of drama you’d see in the movies. Young and dangerous (and cocky) bravados with Jay Chou hairstyles. Oh yeah.

I watched on for about a couple minutes (for something to happen), but was disappointed. There were only some taunting and uncreative insults, no fights. The commotion had generated quite a number of curious onlookers and it was getting real stuffy there. I was about to be bored to death and decided to leave the scene, when a loud noise of a bottle crashing onto someone’s head reverberated across the al fresco court like a war horn. Everyone immediately bolted to a safe distance of course… including me… and we’re all like, expecting a big fight or something. A mob of young and dangerous punks versus a handful of big experienced bouncers. Couldn’t get anymore interesting than that.

I watched from the safe distance on – it was very chaotic. There were people running, shouting and shits, but I couldn’t see any fighting. My curiosity finally took over me and I couldn’t last another second getting blocked by the fleeing crowd, so I changed my vantage point to get a better look of what the fuck was going on. And then I saw it. Bouncers pummeling one of the punks. I presume the one who courageously took the bottle with his head. The rest? They were busy evacuating like bats flying out of hell. Then one of the bouncers flung out that victim punk and got him landed on the sidewalk. The time that happened, the victim’s punk members were already a sprint’s distance away from the rampaging bouncers, except for one very special fat chick. You see, in Chinese comics, it is believed that behind every courageous manly man, is always a diligent and caring woman. This fat chick was THAT WOMAN that night. Fat chick didn’t flee, but remained… and was crying inconsolably while holding her bleating and bleeding boyfriend. It was almost a touching scene until one of the bouncers came out and took a swing at that hero’s head with a broom stick. SMACK! It wasn’t hard but it was bad enough to ruin every ounce of his remaining ego.

And that was the end of it. Bouncers dispersed the whole mob of punks with just a bottle and a deformed broomstick. Unbelievable but true.

Everyone went like, what the fuckkk??? Was that all??? What happened to the badass and united mob that everyone saw earlier? What happened to that hero’s friends (or brothers)? Where were they when his head was getting swung at by various blunt instruments? Like, don’t they have a plan or something? Quite ironic that night, for the larger group that ostentatiously exhibited extreme hostility was the one that fled the scene like a lizard who had just saw my mom with a fly swatter. I wonder what was the point for the whole thing, really… if they’re not planning to physically confront the bouncers ? For attention? Yeah, they got plenty of them that night alright… albeit not in a ‘young and dangerous’ way, but rather, ‘screwed up and revolting’ way…

You know, I offer no sympathy and respect for these kind of punks. Not because of their chicken ass behavior or their bad taste for fashion, but because of them bringing the bad name to night socializing. Think about it people, when we’re out drinking with friends, aren’t we supposed to be happy and shits? But not them. They are out there to show that they have testosterone and they’re mean… and that they’re the alpha male group of the society. Yeah right. Their plan? — Getting into fights over their not-so-serious and ratfink ah-lian girlfriends. And if it’s with higher amount of intoxication, they’d stab someone dead to underline their bloated ego… and end up for life in prison. Not that it’s a bad thing sending them to prison but, it is us innocent souls who patronize these night outlets for a decent drink that often get associated with such negativity by the elders… just because someone do not have the capacity to think. It’s so fucking unfair.

(until now, it still escapes me what was that fat chick doing there. Sure enough, the broomstick hero was part of the mob. But did he ACTUALLY bring along his fat chick girlfriend to join the fight? To make up the numbers? To scare away the bouncers with her cellulite and saggy tits? Only god knows why. And his chicken friends.)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 23 Comments
February 16, 2007

Out of Office for CNY

My out of office message :

Hi, thank you for your email. I’m sorry to inform you that the person that you’re trying to reach, Michael Ooi, is currently out of office… and will remain so from 17 Feb 2007 to 25 Feb 2007 (GMT +8) – on a mission to distribute humanitarian aids to the young & needy (in the form of monetary gifts pre-packed in red glossy envelopes) and participating late night conferences with his board of directors to discuss about world hunger.

During his absence, he will have no access to the company email and network – and his response will be delayed.

If you have anything extraordinarily urgent that needs immediate attention, you may contact following individuals for assistance :

[email address #1]
[email address #2]
[email address #3]

Thanks, and sorry for the inconveniences.
Michael Ooi’s email management robot.

Hhyeah, we’re gonna so intensely discuss about world hunger… fuck yeah.

You people have a good and happy Chinese New Year. And don’t drive like a pig.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 22 Comments
February 15, 2007

the stars can’t tell

MSN…

Friend : “mike wats ur horoscope?”

me : “virgo”

Friend : “.:VIRGO:. The Virgin. Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.”

Friend : “the freak in bed makes me laugh”

me : “you cheebye you”

Friend : “hahahhah”

Just, how can one tell the characteristics of a person by just simply analyzing a cluster of burning hot mass of gases in the outer fucking space? Illogical lah. Hate to disappoint you optimists out there but, the stars can’t tell if I can fuck good. If you want to know, come find out yourself bebeh.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 12 Comments
February 14, 2007

pedomonk

When I was a kid, I used to follow my mom to a market food court to have my breakfast. My mom together with her cronies, would hang out there for hours catching up with gossips and shits, and I would kill time by wandering off on my own after my meal… usually patronizing the nearby video arcade center and occasionally, played with the hawkers’ kids.

One day, while I was doing my usual round of loitering around the area, somebody called out for me. It was an unusual Indian fellow in a faded orange robe of some kind. I first thought he was a Buddhist monk or something, but then he had this afro hairdo that kinda nulled the idea. So I didn’t really know who he was or what he wanted. He just flagged me to go over to him, like this

“Come kid, come come” [it was uttered in English]

I was freaked out of course – having heard countless of stories from my mom about sick people duping off children into dark alleys to rape them. And this guy, fitted exactly the profile of what my prepubescent mind could imagine, of how a prolific pedophile would look like. Afro do, a robe (easier to whip out his prick) and dark skinned (no offense people, we oldskool children were brought up to believe that dark skinned people are dangerous – due to the fact that a lot crimes in the neighborhood were committed by dark skinned drug addicts back then…)

I just pretended I didn’t hear him and attempted to walk away. But this guy, he caught up to me and grabbed my arms, then said

“Don’t be scared kid, I just wanted you to help that poor kitten that fell into that drain there…”

He then pointed out into a drain nearby. I peered into it and indeed, there was a cat inside, clinging onto the drain wall struggling against the swift flowing current. But I was still freaked out, because for some reason, I felt something not right about him. Maybe because he had not let go of my arm…

With an agitated look, I retorted back to him

“Errmmm, what if I refuse to help that cat?”

“Then you’d be doing a very bad thing. The cat will die because of you.”

It wasn’t verbatim, but he did include a lot of zen shits that I couldn’t understand. But my mind was very clear at that time, and I knew how to differentiate between bullshits and what nots.

The thing was, I didn’t feel like taking the trouble to go down into the filthy drain to save that darn cat. I was thinking – if that cat was stupid enough to jump into a big ass drain, then it should probably fucking die. Stray cats are suppose to be street smart. We can’t be saving cats’ asses all the time. If we do that, how are they ever gonna learn, right? That’s why I decided not to save the cat and said to PedoMonk rather bluntly :

“If you’re so wise and kind-hearted, then why don’t you jump into that drain to rescue the cat yourself? Why has it got to be me?”

He got flipped out and squeezed my arm hard,

“Hey! You want me to throw you into the drain or do you want to go in there by yourself??”

I got really freaked out and had no choice. I was being held by the edge of the big ass drain and the situation looked ominous enough for me to freak out. It wouldn’t be wise for me to resist what he wanted. Things suddenly didn’t seem that bad after all when compared to the picture of myself being thrown like a ragdoll into that drain. So, I finally went in there and rescued the fucking cat from being flushed into the sea.

The drain water was nasty. I got my feet all wet with greasy and stinking water, and my hands smelled like a rat’s skin. Once I got out from the drain, I immediately distanced myself from that motherfucker monk and was about to cuss him, when he smiled and thanked me. He then reached inside his robe, took out a card and beckoned me to take it. It was a card with a picture of another robed dude with afro hairstyle. He then bowed to me and took his leave. Holding the card and still feeling pissed (and scared), I watched him walk to the distance, wondering if I should tail him to his car and pitch him a brick or something. I eventually didn’t. Instead, I went to wash myself up and walked back to my mom’s gossiping troupe, all the way thinking about the whole incident – unsure if I should feel proud about myself for saving the life of an extremely stupid cat… or if I should feel extremely stupid, for interfering the urban ecosystem of a stray animal. I threw the card away before I got to my mom.

(I later learned that the afro guy in the the card turned out to be Sathya Sai Baba. I would have appreciated the card more had it been Optimus Prime that was on the card…).

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 7 Comments