Archive for January, 2007

January 15, 2007

kiddie shows

I’ve been exposed to a lot of kiddie shows on TV lately. Been watching them together with Regine. I’m not sure if Regine really likes them but like any contemporary parents out there, we routinely assume that she does. (but hell, she likes to watch ANYTHING colorful).

Watching these kiddie shows kinda made me realize, on what had I missed during my childhood. I never get to watch a lot of kiddie shows when I was a kid. The TV was never available to me as my mom would hog up the whole tube watching Hong Kong soap operas and western horror movies (golden age of the VHS and Atari) – way until I started schooling. I never got to learn about nursery rhymes. Mom never bought me any nursery books nor taught me any of those children songs. Instead, I was fed with heaploads of Beatles, Bee Gees and some Freddie Aguilar shits. That’s why I grew up loving these old people.

(I can still remember… I actually bored to sleep in my Year 1 & 2 music classes. While my classmates would get delirious stomping their feet and flail their arms in unison like retards, I already knew how to sing the whole length of The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” and mimic that chicken head bob to that popular “Beat It” tune by Michael Jackson – I kid you not)

So when I finally get to watch these kiddie shows with Regine, I kinda realize how weird these kiddie shows are. Weird as in – not conforming to the laws of nature. Yes… I somehow think, the shows aren’t teaching our kids the right stuff. Take for example, one of the shows has this couple of grown up hosts (one of them is a quasi-midget babe with this set of unusually large bosom) that teaches kids how to sing. I know singing is generally ok, but these people are like OVERDOING it. The slightest thing that they happen to find interesting, they would go “Hey let’s sing a song about it!”. They see a cow? They’d sing about cows. They see a dog? They’d sing about dogs. Like, what the fuck man?? I suppose when we didn’t get enough annual increment, it is alright for us to jump up on the table and pull a head bang stunt bellowing heavy metal tunes to vent our anger? That’s just not right.

Then there are those fake animal icons. Bears that talk, for example. I mean… come on… we all know bears… they don’t talk. We’d be damned if they talk. Bears in fact, are extremely territorial and therefore are considered fucking dangerous. Even if they could talk, we should by all means stay away from bears. They’re wild animals and should be left alone. So why do we still give bears so much credit when they just don’t really care? Is our civilization so fucked up that we’re so ashamed to use our own kind to educate our kids? Things that I don’t understand.

I personally have seen a real example of these fake animal icons influencing the young in the wrong way. There was once my mom caught a rat in a cage. Determined to rid the vermin for good, she left the cage under the hot sun to give that animal an overdosage of sunburn. But my 5 year old cousin saw that cage and wanted to free that animal – insisting that the ‘mouse is harmless’ and ‘is friendly’. Being a very direct person, I broke the bad news to him “Kelvin, that thing is not a mouse. That’s a frigging rat. Rats have rabies and they’re mean animals.” Of course, he didn’t know what’s a rat. He only knew Mickey. But unfortunately, little Kelvin overlooked that the Mickey he saw wasn’t the same one that wears a cute red dungaree. Instead, that Mickey Rat had blotches of skin rashes on it and ranked like a clogged monsoon drain. Ugghh. (he finally left that vermin alone after couldn’t stand the hot sun)

So what’s the point really… when we can teach our kids the real stuffs, why do most of us still circumvent the facts of life with fictional characters and ideologies? I don’t know man, it seems like everyone’s doing it. Maybe it’s a trick to make the kids want to learn. But if it comes at the cost of obscuring some of the important truths for a much less important one, I’d rather teach her myself than letting that fake bear do it, right? At least daddy will tell her about how stupid it would be to think that bears could talk.

Come think of it, maybe I should write an early-learning education book for children… hmmm… for charity.

(lucky that my Regine couldn’t understand what the TV shows are about yet. When she starts to show signs of comprehending dialogs, I’m gonna switch her to Discovery channel to watch real bears)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 22 Comments
January 12, 2007

harassed by ‘Focus Point’

That same day when I made my purchase at that ‘Focus Point‘ outlet, I requested for an official receipt. I needed that receipt to file a claim from Company X (employee benefit). But because of their abysmally complex trade procedures, they were unable to issue me one on the spot. Instead, I was asked to fill in a form to request for one – which they will fax/send the request to their headquarter at some bumfuck location somewhere to print a receipt. Inside the form, I was required to fill in my home address.

“Excuse me, why do you need my home address?”

I asked Dead-fish, the salesguy who served me that day (I’ve blogged about him and the whole ill experience at that outlet here).

Dead-fish : “Oh, we’ll mail the receipt straight to your home once it’s ready.”

I was like ok, cool, since I don’t really fancy going back there to face that stupid fuck for the second time. The matter was forgotten with an expectation set that I’ll be getting my receipt in my mailbox somewhere in the near future.
Fast forward today afternoon, I received a phone call from that ‘Focus Point’ outlet. Dead-fish was on the line.

Dead-fish : “Mr.Ooi?”

Me : “Yes, speaking.”

Dead-fish : “Your receipt is here.”

Silence.

Me : “Then? What do you want me to do?”

Dead-fish : “It’s here. You may collect it from us now.”

Me : “I thought you said it’s going to be mailed to my residence?”

Dead-fish : “Errmmm, I don’t know. I was instructed to call you up to come over to collect the receipt..bla bla bla”

Me : “Alright, alright, it’s ok. I’ll arrange to come over to collect it.”

This was clearly a screw up. But there’s nothing I could do about it. So I decided to just yield for this one final time to make things simpler, and then I will never fucking patronize any ‘Focus Point’ outlet in my life ever again. But 5 minutes later, I received another phone call. This time it was Dead-fish’s colleague – Fat chick attendant – on the line.

Fat chick attendant : “Mr.Ooi, sorry for interrupting. My colleague fedback to me that you have voiced some concerns about collecting the receipt from our outlet? ”

Me : “I thought I already told him that I’m ok about it?”

Fat chick attendant : “He told me that you wanted it to be mailed to your residence?”

Me : “No I didn’t. I asked him why wasn’t it mailed to me like he said it would. He told me so the other day when I requested for the receipt. I was just wondering, but I have no problem collecting it from your outlet.”

Fat chick attendant : “Oh I see. I’m sorry for the mistake, but for security reasons we’re don’t usually mail receipts to our customers bla bla bla.

I had to cut her short. I’m running short of patience.

Me : “Yeah, whatever. I have no issue here. This is a simple matter. I already told your colleague that I’m ok about this and you guys should just stop calling me up. Frankly speaking, your colleague there is a bit of a stump. When he called me just now, he just said ‘your receipt is here’. I totally had no idea what he meant and why he called. That wasn’t even a request. Like, should I act like I’m very orgasmically elated like that? Or should I just say thank you and hang up? You get what I mean?”

She let out a chuckle. I could tell from her tone that she doesn’t get along with Dead-fish very well.

Fat chick attendant : “Thanks for the feedback, Mr.Ooi and sorry for the misunderstanding. You may just drop by to collect your receipt at your convenience. You just need to tell us your name and we’ll get it for you in no time.”

Me : “Yeah, I’ll arrange to collect it some other time.”

I think that Dead-fish did it deliberately to annoy the shit out of me because of the voucher incident. That fucking hopeless son of a rabid bitch. You know what? I’m gonna fucking talk to his manager when I go collect my receipt. (he actually called me many times before. Asking for minute details each time. Damn annoying.) I’m going to fry his ass for this, this is getting personal.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
January 10, 2007

“Dragon Tiger Gate” (2006)

I know… I know… this movie is so passé. But I only watched it last night (I was probably the last person in town to watch this). But when a man’s gotta review, he’s gotta review, right? I’m gonna do it anyway.

Ok, so I was made known that this movie was actually an adaptation of a popular comic series from Hong Kong, with the same title – “Dragon Tiger Gate” (Lung Foo Moon). If you could understand Cantonese, you might notice that it is pronounced quite similar to a popular Chinese porn mag called “Dragon Tiger Leopard” (Lung Foo Pao). But this is of course, nothing of that sort. This is a kungfu flick. With plenty of CGI effects. Full of exaggerated stunts. And despite all that, it still sucked (donkey cock). Big time. (Needless to say, flipping through a stack of “Dragon Tiger Leopard” would have had better entertainment value than this movie…)

Let me put this in point form…

– Lame storyline.
I don’t know but, I feel that it is quite odd that the hero kept remembering a particular lapse of time when he was a kid (from what I reckon, must be 8 or 9 yrs old), which… everything seemed to have an effect from thence on his adult life. I mean, how ridiculous can that be? Haven’t he got anything else worth remembering throughout the years? What happened to his teenage memories – you know, screwing chicks and having fun? No. It’s only 9 year old hero and the adult hero. Nothing else in between. Even the chick that he was hooking up with (the one with a nice rack), was the same one he acquainted when he was 9. Lots of missing links man. Too fucking emo and hard to bite. (Maybe it was because the version that I watched was dubbed in Mandarin, I couldn’t understand half the shits they were uttering)

– Bad casting.
Except for Donnie Yen (the hero – Dragon Wong) himself, I think the other 2 of his sidekicks looked like total dorks. Too skinny and stiff to be martial art heroes. Totally off the standard. The villain boss wasn’t any good either. Had a mask on all the time. I wonder what’s with the mask. He could have tattoo-ed his face like Mike Tyson and it would have been wayyy cooler. But a mask is definitely corny. Come think of it, the villain boss was also damn goofy with that cape on. A Darth Vader wannabe. (If I were to be the casting director, I would have chosen ‘The Rock’ to take that role. He’d look good without any stupid mask or cape. No shit).

– Bad hairstyle.
From being a kid to a full grown adult, the hero and the rest of the characters seem to have the same stupid hairstyle (you know, the kind of disheveled style made popular by ‘F4′ and Jay Chou alikes). I mean, we don’t really sport the same hairstyle all our lives, do we? I used to have a comb-over when I was 7. Then sometime around my early secondary, I sported a mullet. Then the Aaron Kwok mushroom-do. You see, it changes together with time. But quite oddly, that wasn’t the case in this movie. The universe seems to revolve around that hairstyle in the “Dragon Tiger Gate” world. Fucking revolting.
The main villain on the other hand, had this blond frizzy-do that reminded me of a typical Malaysian ahlongs (slang for illegal moneylenders). Slap in a 4 inch thick gold chain, you’d get a pimp-ahlong combo. The bad hairstyle on the characters were damn distracting, which made the whole experience of watching this movie a little bit of a pain.

– Poorly choreographed fight scenes.
The only good part was at the beginning of the movie, the showdown at the restaurant. The rest? Pathetic and boring. It would have been more interesting to watch a couple of stray dogs having a mating feud on a curb. Or maybe a crocodile wolfing down a wildebeest on Discover channel. Whichever that suits your liking.
I also notice the final fight between Dragon and the ahlong villain boss – some of the fight moves were actually grossly plagiarized from that popular Thai action flick – “Ong Bak”. The use of knees, elbows, were all uncannily similar. No good.

The continuity of the story is the biggest let down of all. The hero and his sidekicks were beaten down, but somehow, miracle came to them, which in a short period of time, would grant them Strength +10, Perception +20, Dexterity +15 and a bonus Power move (but unfortunately, the Charm would remain at -75, due to the crappy hairstyle) – and that’s all it took to defeat that illegal moneylender villain boss. o_O

What the fuck indeed.

If you haven’t watched this movie, good. Keep it that way, go watch something else.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 16 Comments
January 9, 2007

fake everything

Some girls can be real fake, do you know that? Fake eyelashes, fake complexion, fake designer clothes, fake catwalk gait, fake English fucking accent. Yeah, there was a visitor at our lab today who has all that. Fake everything. From the way her fucking stiff face looked (from the excessively thick foundation and powder), she could probably fake an orgasm too. Had to fake it cause her hardware must be too worn out mating with giant carrots and firewood.

And then, as if her tragic outlook couldn’t fake enough lights out of herself, she had to fake her wits some more – asking incoherent questions and making ‘feel-smart’ expressions…

“Hmmmm”. “Okaieeeyyyy”. “Intereshtinggg”.

Yeah, I suppose that’s intelligent. Probably need a degree to do that.

Really, I don’t understand people like her. Why the fake accent? Why the snoot? To whore for attention? Well, she got my attention alright… the adverse kind. And I hope she would attract a lot of attention from poisonous snakes too, she definitely needs a few poisonous bites on her nether region.

[Maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad if she were to just streak through the Company X carpark distributing free condoms. I’d probably think she’s just a mental with a good cause, rather than this.]

michaelooi  | characters  | 15 Comments
January 8, 2007

beware of humsup killer snakes

A colleague told me about a bizarre news in one of the Chinese dailies today – ‘A pregnant Malay woman dies after being bitten on her vagina by a snake’. [if any of you have the online source, would appreciate if you can share the URL]

I was like, what the fuckkk?? How could a person get bitten on her vagina?? Like, how did the snake get to access to her vagina in the first place? Even more ludicrous was… the woman allegedly didn’t realize that she was bitten until a few days later (probably when she noticed the change in ‘texture’ and ‘color’ of her beaver – as some snake poison are known to cause the tissue to rot).

But by the time she wanted to do something about it, it was already too late. The poison must had seeped through her uterus into her soul – and fucking took it away along with the unborn baby. Tragic but true.

This piece of news tells us that freak accidents do happen and it’s another reason for all of us to be more alert of our surroundings… especially if your residence is located near a forest or undergrowth big enough for snakes to hide.

You’ll never know what an animal is capable of doing nowadays, especially when porn is so rife on the internet.

[but really, how did the snake get to access her vagina? My friend suspected that she probably wore a sarong, which kinda ‘exposes’ her vagina. The moist and warm condition could have attracted the snake. And when the snake found out that it wasn’t a real cave, it went apeshit and bit the poor lady out of frustration. A possible scenario… but then, she could have been romping around with snakes… and got bitten just like that, who knows…]

michaelooi  | snippets  | 12 Comments