Archive for January, 2007

January 23, 2007

misunderstood II

I got onto the bed, late, and accidentally woke Emily from her sleep.

Emily : “Dear, I had a terrible dream about you just now…”

Me : “Yeah? What about it?”

Emily : “I dreamt that you lied to me. You told me that you’re going to work very late at the office, but instead, you went out with the guys to drink and frolicked with stray girls…”

Me : “… … …” [sounds like fun…]

Emily : “It was a terrible dream…”

Me : “Just… why wouldn’t you dream of me, telling you – that I’m going out to drink with the guys and frolic with the girls… but instead, I would go to the office and work my ass off?”

Emily : “… … …”

She didn’t answer me. She didn’t have to. I already knew the answer the moment I finished asking that question. The fact is, we guys are the most misunderstood species on Earth. We’re often associated with evilness and wrongdoings… but never the good stuff. (unless you’re a wimp and you don’t have hairs on your legs)

There’s nothing we can do about it but to wash it away with a glass of beer or two (… or three… four…). *sigh*

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
January 22, 2007

does she look like me?

Does Regine look like her daddy? What do you think?

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 28 Comments
January 18, 2007

anne?

My cellphone rang, its screen showed an unidentified number. I answered it anyway,

Me : “Hello.”

Caller : “Hello… Anne?”

Alright stop. Say, you’re calling up a girl (or a woman) whose name is Anne… and a male voice (who obviously isn’t “Anne”) answered. Who do you reckon the person that answered the phone could be?

a) Anne?
b) Anne feigning a male voice?
c) Anne’s brother, whose name’s also Anne?
d) NOT ANNE?

If you chose anything other than D, you have a problem. Just like this caller.

Me : “This is obviously NOT Anne. This is Michael. I think you may have called the wrong number.”

Caller : [pause for about 3 – 4 seconds] “Errrr… I think I called the wrong number…”

DUHHHHH!

[come think of it, there’s a possibility that the caller may be looking for a drag queen whose name is Anne. And I fucking sounded like his drag queen friend! Kanneh!!]

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 14 Comments

hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn

My neighbor finally returned home. If you can remember her, she was the banshee that sent penetrating chills down our spines with her out-of-tune screaming on that fateful November night. That was like what? more than 2 months ago? Yeah, she fucking absconded from her marriage after that night (so we learnt from the neighborhood gossips…) and refuged at her mother’s place until only a few days ago – when Emily spotted the cow came home to her apartment unit wearing a smile.

So it took her over 2 freaking months to cool down and get back to her life. That’s an awfully long time if you were to ask me. I can imagine the husband’s distress for being alone at home with the kids. He’d have to do his own laundry and his kids’ as well. (if he’s good, he’d probably be able to get his kids to do it for him). Then he also had to manage the 3 meals for the family as well. Without the wife around, it sure is hell… especially when you have kids in the family. Like for myself, I can’t imagine how my life would turn out if Emily were to abscond like my neighbor, you know… my life will be in chaos and I’d probably roam till twilight hours everyday drinking with my buddies (hey…)

But that’s the fact, when a fight breaks out between a couple, it’s usually the wife that takes it more personally than the husband. The husband would forget about everything after a couple nights out with the guys, or over a victorious soccer match of his favorite club. But the wife on the other hand, would remember that fight probably for the rest of her life. And one day if the husband were to accidentally do something unfavorable to the wife – like forgetting to buy her box of tampons – she’d dig the topic up again and scream like she had lost her uterus… or her favorite Korean soap hunk. (the only known method to erase that bitter incident from her memory, is to buy her a multi-carat diamond or something of equal value).

So guys, this is a very good example for you to learn from. It tells us one very important thing – before we decide to goad our domestic hurricane Katrina into a full fledged storm, we have to make sure that we have a backup plan.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
January 17, 2007

a dick short of a wanker

Me: “Hey man, have you ever taken an IQ test before?”

Mojo Jojo: “…Huh?”

Me: “I was wondering how much you would actually score if you were to take the test.”

Mojo Jojo: “Why?”

Me: “Coz you’re the most fucking stupid creature I’ve ever met in my working life.”

Mojo Jojo: “… … …”

I may have crossed the border of being what people would refer as ‘adequately social’. I was very mean, I know. But it’s for his own good. I thought the insult might perk him up a little and get him running, you know… I don’t really need him to like me. I just want him to spare me from anymore unnecessary troubles at work by being less stupid.

The following afternoon after I complimented his rock bottom intelligence, he came to me with a computer motherboard… his finger pointing at its memory slot,

Mojo Jojo: “Michael, is this a heatsink?”

[Oh I’m sure you guys know what’s a ‘heatsink’. If you don’t, go find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it and flush.]

Me: “What??”

Mojo Jojo: “Errr… is this a heatsink?” [point point at memory slot]

Me: “What do you think man? Does this look like a heatsink to you?? Have you seen a plastic heatsink before??”

Mojo Jojo: “… … …”

Me: “That’s a MEMORY SLOT you retard! What the fuck is wrong with you??”

Mojo Jojo: “eheks…eheks… I thought it was a heatsink…”

Me: “And yet you call yourself an engineer?? FUCKKKK!”

Mojo Jojo: “eheks…”

Me: “Dude you better go read up some stuffs on the internet to fill up your empty brain! Hell, do you even know how to surf??”

Mojo Jojo: “Yes I know, thanks for the advice”

Mein Gott Im Himmel!! Now you know why I can be so feisty sometimes…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments