Archive for January, 2007

January 30, 2007

am I right or what?

Last week, the CEO of Company X visited our Malaysian plant. Not sure what was his agenda, but it sure got the local folks here really excited. In just a short period of time, both the Company X premises were literally transformed into a completely different place. The building(s) washed, walls and floors painted, the cubes were decorated with colorful posters and there were even a few areas transformed into showrooms of some kind. Employees on the other hand, were asked to tidy up their workplace so that it wouldn’t sore Mr.CEO’s eyes – you know, the whole package of it to ensure that everything was as perfect as the CEO was made to perceive.

I was like ‘DUHHHHHH’. Are all these… like, really necessary? I wonder if it’s only me that is having a different kind of thoughts about all these but, shouldn’t we… they… be doing the opposite instead?

Eg.
– instead of painting the building, the management should be spraying water on the building(s) to promote the growth of fungi and kudzu. So that we’d get more budget to repaint the building.
– instead of cleaning up the office floor, the employees should make a mess out of their work desks to let Mr.CEO see that they’ve been working so hard that they barely have time to clean up. (that’s how work desks should look like, anyway…)

The fact is, everyone who works in Company X here is a wage earner. I’m sure Mr.CEO would very much interested to know how well he has been spending his money paying for all these mongoloids here as part of his money-making empire. So, what do you reckon he would think when he sees everyone has a squeaky clean desk and are idling by the hall to welcome him like he has just been released from prison?

If I were to be him, I’d sure be piss-mad. I’ll probably give a big smack on the table and shout out loud:

“WHY ARE YOUR DESKS SO CLEAN!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOING???? SITTING AROUND WIPING TABLES???”

Yeah, and I’d complain about the waste of funds allocated to paint the building too.

“IS PAINTING THE BUILDING GOING TO MAKE YOU IMPROVE YOUR PRODUCTIVITY?!?”

The banners, posters and stage hoo-hahs.

“If I want to have a good time, I’d be visiting a NIGHT CLUB!!! WHY WOULD I NEED YOU TO SPEND MY MONEY ON THOSE GAUDY BANNERS, WELCOMING MYSELF, TO MY OWN PREMISES???”

Things that I couldn’t get myself to understand, man. Those guys are sure lucky that the CEO doesn’t think like me… or should I say, they’re lucky that I’m not their CEO? Fucking hell.

I strongly believe that’s why our increments and bonusses are getting less each year. The CEO just couldn’t see the need of increasing the budget for a bunch of people splurging unnecessarily for the organization.

*****

You can give yourself a test here.

Say you’re somebody’s boss. 2 of your employees come into your office one day to ask for a raise. Both claim to be in dire need for a raise to support their family.
– Employee#1 rides a rundown scooter to work.
– Employee#2 drives the latest edition of Audi A6 and he also has a brand new Seamaster on his wrist.

Who do you think – between Employee#1 and Employee#2 – deserves the raise more?

michaelooi  | work shit  | 24 Comments
January 29, 2007

‘beh hoo’

beh.hoo
Hokkien. Literally translated as ‘to monger fish/fishes’. Actual use: As an adjective to describe someone who obviously couldn’t dance, but would do it consciously to impress his friends/others.

Eg: “Oh my god, check that guy out… damn ‘beh hoo‘… [proceed to laugh like a hyena]”

Unable to see the connection? Never mind, it isn’t a real term. That was actually a term coined by a buddy of mine many years ago. The story’s like this – the guys and I used to frequent to this same pub every weekend – and each time we go there, there’s always this strange bloke who would dance like there’s no tomorrow in front of the DJ platform. Non-stop and always alone. He would order a bottle of beer and that’s it. That beer would fuel him for the whole night. No friends or mates, just beer and a lot of goofy dancing.

Many people there weren’t too happy about him though. That was because of the way he took up space when he dances, you know, like he was possessed by the propeller demon or something. He’d mow down anything that came in front of him – tables, stools, glasses and hell, even unsuspecting new waitresses (the seasoned ones would stay out of ‘his space’). There was once he got dragged out by a couple of bouncers for flailing his arms too hard endangering other patrons. And as for us, we were like sitting pretty much right across where he was and when the things on our side got a bit bland, he’d be our alternate source of entertainment. (in a way, it’s funny)

So how did this ‘fish mongering’ phrase come into view? Well, that friend of mine once visited an aquarium pet shop and saw Mr.Possessed working as a helper there. When we met up next, that friend told us about it and then we all started to duly refer him as ‘the guy who works at the fish shop’ – ‘the beh hoo guy’. But of course, that’s not the exact description for what he actually does for a living – ‘beh hoo‘ actually means ‘to monger fish’ in Hokkien. But the name eventually stuck and that was how we conceived that term permanently. So, whenever we see a really bad dancer who dances skankily to beckon for attention, we will exclaim “Man… that guy is damn fucking ‘beh hoo‘!”

*****

I was at this local club (wasn’t really a club, but more like a pub with souped up bass speakers… a club-wannabe) with the guys on the weekend and saw a young lad at a table next to ours who reminded us very much of that ‘Mr.Possessed’. You know, exaggerated dance moves… and everything else that makes you cringe in horror. But the problem was, he didn’t realize that. He thought he was good, but he was not. He was clumsy and pathetic. (just like some of those really horrible auditionees in American Idol who think they’re the next champion) From one glance, you’d be able to tell that he is an attention seeker who is trying to fit in… but in his desperate bid to do so, he sort of created quite the opposite effect.

I wonder what makes him think that being able to dance can boost his popularity amongst his friends. Like, would his friends really go nuts about him simply because he CAN dance? Is that what it takes to be a ‘fun’ guy? Someone who can shake and flail – being a ‘beh hoo‘ – never mind how silly he looks? It escapes me, man.

[Hate to break this to you, kids - it is unlikely that your friends enjoy your company simply because you can daaaance. If your friends like you because you can daaaaaance, then you have a problem. They probably want you to be around to share the booze bills - while you're sweating yourself away dancing like a sohai, they'd laugh at your ass while getting intoxicated themselves. So, wake up.]

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 8 Comments
January 28, 2007

feel so like shit

Have you ever gone through a really bad moment that you wish that it was just a dream and that it never actually occurred? I bet you have.

I just encountered such situation 2 days ago… my second in life. Even though everything’s fine now, it still haunts me till this very moment as I’m typing this. It saps me off my sentience to think straight, and I dread of seeing another day having to recall this experience sometime in the future.

I feel so like shit right now… and I wish I could just rewind the time and do something to prevent it from happening.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
January 25, 2007

tough guy my ass

I had a showdown with a ‘road bully’ yesterday. A middle aged Indian taxi driver, to be exact. I was making a turn into Company X parking lot when this taxi swerved out of its stationary position and almost collided with my car. I reflexed with honk (as always) and glowered at him (also gave him a ‘palm’ sign…). But instead of being apologetic about his mistake, the Indian driver gesticulated back… as if I was the one who did wrong. Pissed, I responded by stopping my car and we exchanged a few signs – but no confrontation, yet.

So I went on my way back to the building after that… when I saw that Indian taxi driver again. He stopped his taxi near the factory entrance, and appeared to be scoping for my appearance. Having had experiences with a lot of ‘unstable’ types of people before, I jotted down his car registration number on my palm… you know, just in case anything bad were to happen. Indian guy saw me doing that and flagged me over to his car. Apparently, he didn’t like what he saw and chose to confront me instead:

[conversation was actually in both Malay and English, but for convenience' sake, I'm going to put it all in English]

Indian guy : “Why did you copy down my car registration number??”

Me : “Why can’t I?”

Indian guy : “No… I was asking, why did you copy down my car registration number??”

He obviously didn’t hear what I said, or he was too plain dumb to understand it.

Me : “I can copy down anything I want. Even a bull cart’s number if I like. So why not?”

Indian guy : [sniggers] “Alright, alright, go ahead and copy it as you wish” [chuckles]

Me : “Already done that.”

Not wanting the whole thing to end just there, I threw him a very shallow insult

Me : “Say… do you really know how to drive? Do you even have a driving license? I was wondering…”

He caught it.

Indian guy : “Hey! Watch what you say, ok??”

Me : “In case you didn’t realize, you almost hit my car just now. You call that good driving?”

Indian guy : “What? It wasn’t even close! You think I’m blind or something?? I was just waiting for my passenger bla bla bla and was bla bla bla…”

Me : “Yes I do think you’re blind.”

At that moment, he started to speak in a very harsh tone. Like he was trying to intimidate me or something.

Indian guy : “You’re the one who was paranoid… honking and giving me that nasty look!”

Me : “Why… can’t I do that?”

Indian guy : “Did I wreck your car?? No, right??”

Me : “Oh, so I can honk and give you a nasty look ONLY IF you wreck my car? What are you stupid or something?”

Indian guy : “Ma cheebye you!! What did you say???”

[I don't know why he had to use a Hokkien dialect to vent his anger at me. As if being able to hurl expletives in Hokkien would make him sound more coherent and therefore, justify his fucked up behavior. Hhyeah right.]

Then he got out of his car and acted so very tough like that. But that was not what I really wanted. It’s no glory to beat up a short old man. Besides, I might lose my job for doing that.

Me : “So you’re suppose to be tough huh? Good. Let’s see how tough you are with our security guards.”

Indian guy : “Go lah! You think I’m scared??”

Me : “You bet I am going to. Just stay where you are. And don’t go away

Indian guy : “What can you do to me?? You think I’m stupid aa? Bla bla bla bla ” [inaudible voice as I was walking away to the security post]

Me : “Of course I think you’re stupid! If you’re not stupid, then you wouldn’t have been a taxi driver in the first place.”

If he’s smart or intelligent, he would be preaching some quantum physics theory at a university somewhere, instead of driving a junk around like a motherfucking prick, you know what I’m saying?

And he continued to wave his fist in the air and taunted me but I only responded to his pathetic attempt of heroism with couple retort in his native Tamil language – “Phordahhh!!!” (which meant “Fuck off!” or something)… and it got him madder. (It was fun watching him go apeshit)

I expected him to sustain that identity of a tough Hindustan hero, you know… to hold his stance until his 62% evil adversary return with his villain reinforcements (security guards), but I was wrong. Instead of that, he made a beeline into his taxi (he was more like diving into it) and sped off like a bat flying out of hell. I’ve never seen anyone disappear so fucking fast before.

I stood there dumbfounded and went “Hey! What the fuck?? Where did the tough guy go?”. Tough guy my ass.

But I went to report the incident to the security nevertheless, and got his registration number recorded down. I actually requested to get the taxi company blacklisted from our corporate list, but apparently, the decision has to involve somebody at the ‘higher level’… if you know what I mean. There’s nothing that our security department can do other than giving that chicken ass loser a verbal warning…

Whatever lah.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 19 Comments
January 24, 2007

romantis di sebalik belukar

I’ve been itching to write something in BeeEm for quite some time. This article was written over the course of three weeks, updated it bit by bit whenever I was free enough at work & finally completed it today…

******

Alkisah seorang lelaki yang bergelar Hang Vimana Bin Cicak Kobeng. Rupanya tampan bagaikan Amitabh Bachan dan badannya lasak bagaikan seekor kerbau. Akan tetapi, pada hari yang penuh trajis itu, Hang Vimaya tidaklah nampak seperti itu. Wajahnya nampak gementar, kulitnya disaluti dengan lapisan minyak yang dileleh dari liang romanya yang makin aktif… dan bau badannya hangit macam seekor lipas yang telah berendam di parit. Telah tiga puluh minit Hang Vimana menanti di kawasan rimba tersebut, di bawah terik mentari, tapi orang yang dinantikannya tidaklah sampai juga.

Apakah dia telah dibaham rimau? Ataupun ditangkap dek lanun yang berleluasa di kawasan tersebut? Mindanya mula dibanjiri dengan beratus sebab. Hang Vimana mula berasa khuatir… dan melelapkan matanya…

Selang sejam kemudian, Hang Vimana terkejut beruk dari tidurnya oleh sesuatu panggilan.

“Abang Vimana! Abang Vimana!”

Tanpa berlengah, Hang Vimana terus melonjak gembira dari kedudukannya, dan menjawab panggilan tersebut

“Dik Skodeng!”

Adik Skodeng. Nama timangan kekasih rahsianya, Tempayan Binti Bawang Goreng. Orang yang telah dinanti-nantikannya hampir sepetang, jelang semalam.

“Kakanda yang dikasihi, ampunkanlah adinda yang lewat minum dakwat ini.” titah Adik Skodeng dengan semata penuh air, sehati penuh seksa.

“Janganlah adik bimbang, sewaktu menantikan adinda, abang telah lelap and bermimpikan wajah adinda yang jelita bagaikan bulan purnama. Tidaklah sedikit pun menyusahkan.” Hang Vimana pada zahirnya cuba bersenyum kambing, tapi keletihannya yang mendalam telah mengkhianati niat murninya…

“Oh kakanda oh oh. Tidak usahlah mengambil hati adinda. Adinda lewat, adalah kerana terserempak dengan Pak Busu yang menggatal itu. Adinda terpaksa bersorok di belakang tong sampah besar sehingga Pak Busu lenyap” [uwehhhh uwehhhh]

“Wahai adinda sayang, janganlah menangis. Jika berat, kita tindih. Jika panjang, kita lilit. Apakah yang boleh abang buat melainkan curahan lebih kasih kepada dinda? Que sera sera, my dinda…”

“Oh kakanda…” Adik Skodeng terus mendakapi Abang Vimana-nya, kemudian saling memandang, dan seterusnya berkucup-kucup. Tangan Hang Vimana kemudiannya menyelongkar ke bawah sarung Adik Skodengnya. Ia adalah detik yang dinanti-nantikannya.

“Oh Abang Vimana oh oh [squeeeeaaaalll]”

Dada Adik Skodeng kemudiannya dijolok oleh Hang Vimana dengan rakusnya and seterusnya kedua kekasih tersebut terus bercantum jadi satu. Pada kemuncak sesi pergustian di antara mereka, Hang Vimana memanjat ke belakang Adik Skodengnya dan terus menghempap kekasihnya dari belakang, bagaikan seekor arnab yang tidak pernah bersetubuh.

“Ya!!! Oh Yaaa!!! Yaaa!!!!”

Panggilan berahi dik skodeng berkumandang merentangi kawasan rimba, menyelami segala panggilan cengkerik yang riuh rendah. Pertemuan mereka seakan-akan telah hanyut di alam mereka sendiri. Alam yang penuh dengan asmara. Penuh dengan nafsu. Hang Vimana terus menghempap cipap kekasihnya, hinggalah dia mencapai orgasma, diakhiri dengan raungan yang kuat bagaikan seekor singa yang telah puas makan.

Tapi tidaklah disangka singa tersebut bahawa kehadiran mereka, bukanlah hanya berdua. Di sebalik semak berdekatan, tersembunyi suami Adik Skodeng – Johan Rambai (seorang yang lumpuh separuh mukanya) dengan sekumpulan rakan-rakannya dari kampung berdekatan. Mereka telah mengekori Adik Skodeng – yang pada awalnya telah disyaki berlaku curang terhadap suaminya. Sekarang mereka telah ditangkap basah, dan Johan terus melonjak keluar dari semak dan menjerit dengan bengis:

“CISSSSS WOOWEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEEHHHHH WEHHHHH!!! WEEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEHHH WEHHH!!!” [Percakapan si Johan ni agak cacat sikit, memandangkan keadaan mukanya yang serba sepastik ini...]

translasi teriakan Johan: “CISSSS BEDEBAH SI PUKIMAK HANGPA NI!!! BERANI ENGKAU BERLAKU CURANG TERHADAP AKU!!!”

Rakan-rakan Johan terus menangkap kedua-dua kekasih yang masih separuh bogel itu dan menjatuhkan mereka hukuman bunuh. Hang Vimana terus meringking macam seekor ayam yang bakal disembelih sebaik sahaja dia terdengar akan nasibnya. Adik Skodeng pula hanya tahu menangis tanpa berkata apa-apa.

Johan, dengan perasaan yang penuh kemarahan itu, terus menghunus kerisnya ke dada Hang Vimana, mati dibunuhnya. Kemudian dia berpaling ke isterinya dengan penuh emosi dan mengerat lehernya dengan keris yang masih berlumuran darah Hang Vimana. Adik Skodeng tidaklah mati serta-merta macam kekasih haramnya, tetapi kesesakan nafas, hampir mati. Darahnya mengalir derus ke bawah teteknya, dan dengan pandangan yang penuh dengan kebencian, dia sempat berkata kepada suaminya yang tidak berperikemanusiaan itu

“Adik bersumpah ke atas abang sepastik ini, yang cuba menceraikan cinta adinda yang tulus ini dengan Abang Vimana… yang kampung abang sepastik akan menjadi padang jarak padang terkukur untuk seratus generasi yang akan datang…”

Itulah sumpahan terakhir Adik Skodeng.

Maklumlah, sumpah si Adik Skodeng itu tidak menjadi sehingga lima puluh tahun kemudian, apabila kampung Johan Rambai diredah pemodenan dan menjadi sebuah padang bola sepak. Sama ada kampung Johan terjadi ‘padang’ secara kebetulan ataupun kesan daripada sumpah Adik Skodeng, tidaklah sesiapa tahu… Akan tetapi, apa yang dikatakan orang tua-tua kampung Johan, adalah bahawa Adik Skodeng itu telah menjadi pontianak, dan kerap kala menyerang kandang lembu yang berdekatan…

*****

I never got good marks for my karangan before… especially when it involves that ancient Bahasa Klasik. I just couldn’t get the gist of it, no matter how hard I try… That’s why I used to dread of writing in Bahasa Klasik. But now that I’m free of those belenggu cikgu-cikgu kotek and anal-retentive shitfucks, I can now write whatever/however I want without having to worry about poor marks.

This article is dedicated to all the teachers that had taught me BeeEm before… Nah!

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 26 Comments