Archive for 2006

January 3, 2006

the global warming menace

I’m sure you people know what’s “global warming” all about. In case you don’t, well… you ought to be hung with your own intestines and stoned to death for being such an ignorant piece of shit.

Global warming is about excessive greenhouse gases (like CO2, methane) in our atmosphere that cause the increase of temperature leading to climate change on this planet. This in turn, causes the icebergs at the poles to melt and the sea level to rise. If this “global warming” shit were to continue till all the goddamn icebergs are completely melted, in no time, we’re all going to drown inside our own homes and the fishes will take over the planet. (Google for “greenhouse effect”)

It’s not a good thing when your sushis rule over your own planet.

Now, how does this greenhouse gases came about to be that much in our atmosphere? Where did it come from?

Everywhere.

– fumes emitted from motorized vehicles and open burning (incl smoking)
– excessive clearing of forests/jungles
– farts emitted from 6 over billion (and increasing) asses on this planet
– farts emitted from the rest of the animals’ asses (thank god they’re on the decreasing trend, as we’re eating them out)
– hairsprays for every single shapeshifters’ cauliflower hairdos on the face of Earth (that’s like… a lottttt of them)
– anything

So, you may actually ask, how good are we doing now in preventing this “global warming” from happening? How much ice has melted at the poles and when are we going to expect them fishes to rule our world? Frankly speaking, I have no idea… until I caught something off Nat-Geo on TV the other day.

Apparently, the sea ice (where heaps of those cute polar bears used to hang out…) at Arctic had shrunken to the size of a really big tomato (I don’t know) and those polar bears now have to swim across a length of sea just to get a pack of cigarettes. As a result of that, several of those lame ass polar bears drowned, and now, some environmental activists are currently suing the US Government (Bush administration) for failing to declare polar bears as “endangered species”.

I don’t know how this could help the polar bears to improve their swimming skills but, I wager that this must be super important and necessary. Like, polar bears are so cute! Such cute animal deserves no fate like drowning themselves up over a trip for some grocery shopping! This is injustice! Man… they could have legalized firearms, bombs, reefers and oh many others that could have lead to millions of human deaths… but, being delinquent about getting polar bears an “endangered species” title is simply… TOO IGNORANT and UNACCEPTABLE!

I certainly hope that the activists’ courses will prevail and save the polar bears from drowning! In the meanwhile, I’ll also encourage you people out there to do your bit to save the polar bears…

– please refrain yourself from eating broccoli and baked beans, and fart less. Should you ever need to fart, please trap your noxious gas inside a plastic bag and let your pet dog inhale it instead of letting it out to the atmosphere. Then you can kill that dog and have another new dog (you can always have another dog, but not a polar bear. Think about it)

– walk more, drive less. Never mind about the risks of getting mugged by thugs or attacked by stray animals. At least when you’re lying comatosed in the hospital ward, you know that you’ve done your tad bit to save some polar bears. It’s a good thing.

– use less aerosol products. Like, those shapeshifters can always replace hairsprays with eggs or cums as their styling agent. Though they may smell funny at times but hey, you’re fucking saving a couple of polar bears here! That’s an exiguous price to pay for a much noble cause.

– eat more animals (all of them except polar bears). As we all know, mammals breathe in oxygen and exhales CO2. If you eat more animals, you’re gonna practically reduce the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere. This in turn, will also reduce crop-agricultural activities and indirectly reduces the number of forests being cleared. That’s like, a stone that kills 2 birds (but not polar bears).

– Practice celibacy. I mean, you can still have sex, no shit… but do it safely and responsibly. Use biodegradable condoms (eat them after sex). Have less children. Increasing human population is a bane for this dying planet. If you must have children, educate him/her properly about “global warming” and polar bears. Or alternately, you may choose to kill yourself (in an environmentally friendly way).

– many more (I’d be writing a goddamn book if this entry gets any longer)

So, people… be considerate. Preserve the environment. Save a polar bear today.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 12 Comments
January 2, 2006

lady boss advice

I was reading some emails when the corner of my eyes caught someone standing at my apartment doorstep. It was Emily, home from work, flashing me this scintillating megawatt smile. Almost immediately, I knew something was wrong.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

She didn’t say a thing, but gave me a wider smile.

“Oh…no… something happened to Lorraine??”

Smiling stops. I was right.

You see, I didn’t go to work that day and hence, I was unable to carpool with her to work. That was why Emily’s driving my Lorraine for that day, while I proclaim myself clinically dead for half the planet revolution from partying too hard the day before (and no, it wasn’t even the New Year’s eve…)

That news was shocking enough to wake me up from that feeble state. ‘What a fucking way to end 2005′ I thought. And before I could even get myself to ask more questions, Emily went on detailing the damage of the car to me – A detached alphabet on my car registration plate. Odd but, that’s the only damage Lorraine sustained.

Apparently, it happened when Emily accidentally released the brake pedal too soon at a stop junction, and scooted the car forward to kiss the vehicle in front. Since there wasn’t any damage to the other run-down Kia either, both parties cooled it off without any settlement (there’s nothing to settle).

But Emily, fearing that I might go apeshit about this accident thing, got really miserable and started consulting around for advice. That was when her lady boss, taught her about the art of “keeping-secrets-from-your-husband”. To get the car fixed as soon as possible, and tell me nothing about it. Her lady boss has been following this same old formula all her married life – wreck the husband’s car, got it fixed, and kept it out of his knowledge – and it always worked for her. (I hope her husband reads this entry…)

Well, thinking that it’s probably a good idea, Emily followed her advice and got a colleague to help fabricate a new registration plate for my car. But that colleague, warned Emily that the consequences could be even more dire if I found out about the accident by myself. The brand new sparkling registration plate would stick out like a sore thumb and it would be easy for someone as awesome as me to spot it.

That’s why Emily chose to tell me in the end. And I was glad she did, as I couldn’t have spotted the difference between my old versus new plate (as I later found out).
But I was even more glad, that her lady boss didn’t actually teach her to sell the goddamn car to some thugs, keep the money and claim that it was stolen at the workplace car park.

Goddamn!

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 7 Comments