Archive for 2006

May 4, 2006

problem solving guide II

Having a problem with your personal computer? Don’t know what to do? Worry not! Again, let me help you with your problems! I hereby, have prepared a remedy guide (in a convenient FAQ format, again) that specifically addresses the most common problems that a personal computer could ever encounter.

Case #1
Q: Each time I press the power on button on my portable computer, the LEDs on its keyboard will flash several times and then the computer shuts off… What’s happening here?? That thing’s supposed to be brand new! [squeal]
A: How unfortunate. But I reckon that it’s not as unfortunate as those poor people in Africa. They hardly get anything to wear at all… what more a portable computer to entertain themselves. Instead of getting anal over petty matters like this, you should probably count your blessings for that advantage and live with it. Or you can choose to buy another notebook computer…

Case #2
Q: When I try to move my mouse pointer to the left, it would drift off to the right. When I try to left click on something, it would just disappear. I’m getting really frustrated over this… Somebody told me that this might be a motherboard problem… how do I confirm this?
A: Just live with it. Think about those emaciated children suffering in Africa… heck they’re so starved, that they will eat a real rodent, that is… if they could ever find one. You should be feeling grateful for what you have… or you can choose to move to another mouse.

Case #3
Q: My harddisk keeps emitting these strange noises. It was as if there are a thousand microscopic carpenters working on something from inside it. Is this normal?
A: Strange or not, you should think about those unfortunate people suffering in Africa. Do they give a rat’s ass about strange noises coming out from a fucking harddisk? NO! They’re more like worried about whether they could see the dawn of the next day. Just, get used to it… or you can choose to leave your country and go somewhere quieter…

Case #4
Q: Each time I connect my computer to an electrical outlet from the wall, it would trip the whole damn building! What the fucking hell is going on here??
A: You should feel lucky that you actually have a building with electricity to trip on in the first place. Do you know that there are many unfortunate souls out there in Africa that only have the plain sky as their shelter? The only electricity they ever get is a big nasty lightning bolt from the mean ass sky, and the only time they ever get to experience a trip… is when they have their brain cooked with a few million volts of overstress. So, feel lucky already, shut the fuck up and live with it. Or you can move to another house that doesn’t trip.

Case #5
Q: My pet dog keeps complaining about pain at its left hind leg… and unusual moisture forming off on its muzzle. He said he might be having some kidney problems and terminal stage arthritis. I ain’t no vet and I don’t know what to do. I need some help here.
A: I ain’t no vet neither… you tool. You should probably spend some time to reflect the fact that there are many more unfortunate dogs in Africa with more serious and chronic problems than your stupid pet dog. Your dog is probably too lucky to have an overdose of grease laden synthetic dog food (while the African canines are starving every awakening minute) and caught those fashionable disease. You should just move out of the house and find another dog… or you can just stop whining and get used to it.

You’re most welcome.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 12 Comments
May 3, 2006

courteous lot

I’m sure many of you have heard the ‘Malaysians are a courteous lot’ campaign on the radio. I remember one of them was to ask us not to dawdle in our vehicle when leaving the parking lot, as other motorists might be waiting for our spot. Then they topped it off with the campaign slogan – “Malaysians are a courteous lot”.

Alright, let’s have a moment of silence here to review our sins… Malaysians…

…..

for we have lied to ourselves, to our God and to our dear animal friends on this planet here. “Malaysians are a courteous lot”…hhhyeah right…

Each time I hear this deceitful phrase, I feel a spasm of emotional sting inside my mind. Like, if we Malaysians are so ‘courteous’ as claimed, why would we need somebody to remind us that on the national radio? Doesn’t make a lot of sense, right?

“Oh, assholism in Malaysia must have escalated to such a severe level, that they need to be periodically reminded to use their common sense and not to act like an asshole …hmmppffhh”

As if the “non-courteous lot” would listen. Maybe out of the odds, they would… But if that were to happen, then shouldn’t this be used for an even better cause? Like… perhaps… to urge people not to break the law and we would have zero crime in the society? Oh then we won’t have to hire so many law enforcement officers liao… we just need a few radio stations to run the country.

How nice.

Well, don’t get me wrong… not that I’m against the idea of changing our festering mindsets into a better one. In fact, I think it’s a commendable effort (ambitious, I should say)… to hope for something positive out of it. It’s hard to believe that I’m listening to something that supposedly have been taught at schools, and indoctrinated by religions…

Just look at our Malaysian society today. Manhole covers getting stolen (oh fuck, I have lost count on how many times I have quoted this…), modesty being outraged, the old and the weak being taken advantage of… and politicians worrying about dress codes instead of deteriorating public conveniences (check out the majority of our Malaysian bumpy roads today, it’s as rugged as a toad’s head).

Hell, can’t you see it people?? This is beyond what education, religious preaching and campaigning on the national radio could help. We need law and enforcement. As in – to think of a way to strictly enforce our laws and regulations to the society. Somebody violates the traffic rules? Our government should make sure somebody is there round the corner to slap a big fine onto the violators’ asses. Maybe suspend their license for a couple years… if necessary. Those who refuse to pay their fines? Mandatory jail term for 6 months and caning… if necessary. They key thing – ENFORCEMENT. (We have nothing of that sort around…)

Our traffic police officers are only good at setting up roadblocks at the wrong place and wrong time, and to impersonate traffic lights. Some of them have even seen so much idle times, that they have grown as fat as a rhinoceros with eating disorders, that they need their uniforms to be tailor made by a juru-ukur tanah… (hey, try register that to the Guinness World Records for biggest girth on a traffic police officer and confer him a datukship).

I don’t know man, maybe someone could come up with a better idea. But you get the point anyway. “Malaysians can be a courteous lot if they want to…”

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 19 Comments
May 1, 2006

twisted 2

To defecate. To shit. To poop. To take a dump. To take a crap. They all mean the same thing. That is, to get that brown nasty turd out of your body through that narrow orifice at your ass. But for Emily and I, we give this sacred act a unique name – “to output”.

You see, I’m a healthy person. I “output” every morning when I wake up. Except for yesterday. Yesterday, I suddenly became so lazy and stagnant, that I didn’t feel like taking a crap at all. So, I just decided to crap later on in the afternoon (yeah, I can choose to postpone my crapping schedule, let’s just say… I have total control of my own ass)

But Emily felt that it was not a right thing. It bothered her… not because she’s concerned that the crap might ferment itself multi-folds in my rectal cavity and fuck me up pretty bad, but because she thinks that if I don’t crap, the energy flow of my body would not conform to the Chi at the southeast corner of the house.

morning –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“No dear, I don’t feel like wanting to do that”

a while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“Ermmm, no dear, I have nothing to output”

a little more while later –
“Dear, have you output-ed today?”
“Nope. I have nothing to output, ok?”

some while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output already?”
“ARggghhhhh! Haven’t I told you already?? I don’t want to output! Why are you pestering me to take a dump?? Why?? why?? ”

But she just gave me that nonchalant stare… as if she’s waiting for me to finish whatever I had to say, and would later schedule for the same repetitive badgering. It was a psychological torment.

About 5 minutes after the emotional protest, I finally gave in. I went to take my dump… (had to force the damn thing out)

Knocked up ladies… they can be horrifyingly twisted at times. (I just hope she won’t ask me to hoover a live cockroach next… just to keep her hormone driven mind appeased…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 18 Comments
April 29, 2006

being an engineer

I got this email from a reader. It’s kinda interesting (his question, my reply) and thought maybe someone else could benefit from this – what do I think about being an engineer (hell, alright, this is another filler post again. But fuck, it’s labor day! I needed the break!). So I decided to post this :

From: [reader]
To: [michaelooi]
Date: Apr 29, 2006 4:36 AM
Subject: Hi I have a question

Hi, you must be wondering who the hell is this.

I stumbled upon your blog recently, I must say you write really damn good. You’re the best I’ve seen among malaysian bloggers. — [that’s my kembang moment if you can’t tell…]

Anyways you mentioned being an electrical engineer. I’m an engineering student currently deciding which field to enter, in the engineering science category.

You see, I believe one does best when he has passion in what he does. I don’t wanna wake up every morning going to work in a job that I hate. I’m considering electrical engineering. Do you think electrical engineering is fun ? Interesting ? You don’t seem to blog much about the job lol.

The first year of studying involves learning all the basic theory and math skills and other fundamentals. About the engineering job, I have no freaking idea how it feels like. I guess I should go for internships and find out for my self huh ? LoL.

Feel free not to reply, I understand, I’m asking pretty much a dumb question.

But it’d be nice to get a idea of the job from such a experienced electrical engineer such as yourself.

O WISE MASTER OF WORDS PLEASE BESTOW ME WITH YOUR WISDOM !— [how can I not reply this awesome guy?]

Here’s my reply.

From: [michaelooi]
To: [reader]
Date: Apr 29, 2006 11:46 AM
Subject: Re: Hi I have a question

Hi [reader]
frankly speaking, EE is not my original choice either. God i hated electronics and that was not my idea of fun at all. You know what my passion is? Arts and photography. Or sex (if given such choice exist).

But given the circumstances that double E was the way of the future, I finally opted for that choice and am glad making that choice right. At least, I landed myself a stable job now. And can pretty much find another without breaking a sweat.

So, sometimes, it isn’t up to a person to be able to decide what’s fun for himself. It’s the circumstances. Can’t say I enjoyed my job much but, hell… I doubt many people on this planet enjoy working, even if it’s something of your interest. You’d probably get an asshole boss when you get a job you like … such is life. (ironically, I’m saying this to you with Labour’s Day round the corner)

Just, don’t worry too much. You’ll be fine. Cheers

I know, I didn’t answer his question directly. The fact is, there’s no answer to this. If I have an answer for anyone to have a good career, I would have been a successful person by now. But look at me, I’m short of a few wire bonds towards being a complete package of IC. Let alone to populate an intricate network of schematic diagram.

Engineering isn’t fun. It’s fucking hard. It’s fucking frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous. It wouldn’t be that good if it’s easy… alas, nothing’s easy. (even pimps have their dilemma). But what’s left in life to be enjoyed if it’s without some challenge?

Have a happy labour day, workers. (though the only thing to be happy is to get more $$$, duh)

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 16 Comments
April 26, 2006

close to you

In MSN today…

titoki : Do you read books to your baby?

michael : emily reads the baby story every night and sings to her. i read a story to the baby once

titoki : Actually it’s good for the father to talk to the baby too. to get familiar with your voice. to bond with you. don’t read it once, read it everynight. it’s your duty. do you know why kids are closer to their mom? coz the mom talks a lot. dad is like wood. so i hope you can read more to her, sing to her even, it will help to foster a closer ties and relationship. and it helps her to recognise your voice too

michael : but … i don’t want her to be close to me ….

titoki : u are one weird dad. why not?

michael : not until she’s old enough to go to the toilet herself!

titoki : LOL

michael : i’m smart. i’m gonna fucking blog this.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 13 Comments