Archive for 2006

December 6, 2006

don’t call us, and fuck off

1) I called your lab extension but nobody answered. Is the phone not working or are you guys just a plain bunch of delinquent farts?
We’re a plain bunch of delinquent farts. We’re not answering any phone calls in the lab. Not unless if it’s something urgent.

2) How do you know whether it’s something urgent if you’re not answering the phone to find out?
We have this telepathic ability that allows us to link our brainwaves to the caller’s and assess, whether his/her business is for real. (hint: we have working cellphones)

3) Alright, so I’m suppose to call your cellphone if it’s something urgent. But what if I don’t know your cellphone number, Einstein?
Well, you can ask around the office… or your mom… or even your neighbors’ dogs… I don’t really care. JUST. FIND. THE FUCK. OUT.

4) What if it’s your boss calling?
Oooh I’m so fucking scared. Nope. Not going to answer.

5) Ok ok I got it. But may I ask why the sudden change in policy?
That’s because we’re sick of answering calls from idiots and dolts like you. Period.

6) If you’re sick of answering calls, why are you redirecting them to your cellphone? Technically, you’re still answering phone calls.
Simple, my cellphone has an ID recognition feature. If I see it coming from
a) identified idiots and dolts,
b) unidentified callers,
c) you,
I can always reject it. And I don’t have to walk that far. It’s conveniently located inside my pocket.

7) Then why bother having a phone inside your lab? Might as well cut it off.
The phone stays for a reason (hint: I said we are not taking incoming calls. But I didn’t say we are not making any OUTGOING calls). Besides, it’s really fun seeing people getting piss ass desperate when their calls go unanswered for the whole day. (they’d just plod over to our lab only to find us relaxing inside…)

8) What if I keep calling the whole day? It’ll annoy the fuck out of you people inside the lab, ha ha.
Yeah, I’d probably answer. Keep trying. (hint: we did something to the volume)

Life is definitely easier without a ringing phone.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
December 5, 2006

Jedi mind trick

I needed to send something to the warehouse, but the technician that used to do the dispatch for me was absent. And because I was such a lazy fart, I had no choice but to look for a prospective victim to get the work done. I spotted Mojo Jojo just at the right moment…

Me : “Hey man, may I ask you something?”

Mojo Jojo : “Yeah sure…”

Me : “Are you by any chance going to the warehouse today?”

Mojo Jojo : “Nope. I just…”

[I had to cut him off]

Me : “Yes you are.”

Mojo Jojo : “Oh…no..no.. I mean… I’m not going there today…”

Me : “Dude, listen to me. YES. YOU. ARE.”

Mojo Jojo : “…”

Me : “You are going to the warehouse today.”

Mojo Jojo : “Ok, I understand. Yes I am going to the warehouse today.”

Me : “Why, that’s good! Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind helping me to send these 2 urgent parts to the warehouse.”

Mojo Jojo : “Sure.. sure.”

Me : “You’re such a nice person. Thanks ya…”

Ladies and gentlemen, that was the Jedi Mind Trick. It works on apes.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
December 3, 2006

TaiYeeMa

taiyeema
Hi. My name is TaiYeeMa. I was born 50 years ago, but I am only 30 years old.

taiyeema
This is my best friend, LukYeePor. She loves taking photographs and has a lot of hair.

taiyeema
She is also a very good masseur. She gives me a lot of relaxing massages and makes me very happy.

taiyeema
I also have a pet dog named Ah Keong. Ah Keong is a mutt and a very obedient dog. I like him very much and I think he likes me too.

taiyeema
I don’t have a boyfriend, husband or feelings. But however, I did develop a strong affinity towards vegetables.

taiyeema
I think vegetables are healthier and taste better than men.

That’s all about me. I think I’m gonna go eat more vegetables, and perhaps if time permits, I’ll talk more about myself next time.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off

flipped out

What do you usually do at home on the weekends, if not going out? I bet it’s more or less something to do with relaxation. Watch some DVDs, read some books, play with your kid… you know, just a time of your own to get out of that hectic life at work. A time for you to balance out your psyche, so that you don’t turn into a fucking psycho or something.

But yesterday, I was forcefully mugged off that ‘time of my own’, when a new tenant who had just moved into the unit below my apartment (yes, another new tenant) started to drill his walls and woke my infant daughter up from her afternoon nap (I myself was interrupted from watching a movie). I wasn’t particularly too happy about that, since it has been regulated by the apartment management that renovation works are only allowed during weekdays between 9am – 5pm. That was why I played hero and went down to confront the new tenant, and hoped that the perturbation can be mitigated through some negotiation.

The tenant turned out to be a Malay family and the main villain was a middle aged balding guy with facial hair. It was as if somebody placed a curse on him to reverse the hair growth on his head or something. Anyway, the guy was apologetic and spoke fluent English. He was like, issuing a dozen “sorry” in a single sentence, which made me felt a bit like a jerk for a moment there. But I pressed on with my original mission anyway – I bitched to him, politely,

a) that I didn’t plan to spend the whole Saturday afternoon listening to his contractor frolicking with power tools.
b) It’s the regulation of the apartment block that no renovation works should take place during the weekends.

And a whole bunch of shits about how uncool it is to be an inconsiderate neighbor like him etc – in a diplomatic way.

He apologized again (apologies came out of him like an unstoppable diarrhea that it sounded so damn trite to me) and assured it would be over with just a couple more holes to drill. Sorry, sorry and sorry again. Yeah fuck, like I had a choice. I told him fine, I’m gonna tolerate for ‘a couple more holes’ and then went back to my pad and mope. The time was 1pm.

The drilling went on as expected and lasted for about half an hour, until I heard someone knocked at my door, it was Mr Sorry.

Mr.Sorry : “Errr I’m really sorry that I have to inconvenient you again… I need to drill this ONE final big hole and I thought of asking if you would mind that… bla bla bla sorry bla bla sorry bla bla”

me : “Uh ok. Whatever. Just get it all done in one shot, so that it’ll all get over soon”

Like, what’s a hole or two to me, since he had already fucking drilled and spoilt half of my afternoon? I was just being reasonable… and I tolerated more. By 3pm, the drilling finally stopped and I got my peace. I managed to finish my movie and Regine got to have her nice afternoon nap. Everything went back to how it was supposed to be.

And it went well until about 5.30pm, I was playing with Regine, when suddenly, the loud sound of the drill blared through our apartment unit **PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK** – jolted the bejesus out of Regine and made her bawl like there’s no tomorrow. My heart shrunk immediately and I had to hold her tight to pacify her. Man, words cannot describe how I felt seeing her screaming and trembling like that. It took me 10 minutes to get her shits together again and put her in her mommy’s arms. I then stomped down to Mr.Sorry’s den to settle the score.

Me: “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHAT IT DID TO MY INFANT DAUGHTER???”

He was with 3 of his kids when I shouted at him. Again, he was full of apologies.

Mr.Sorry : “Oh I’m really sorry, the contractor bla bla bla… sorry bla bla bla…”

I wanted to continue shouting right there and then, but I was uncomfortable doing it in front of his kids. I did not want to make that man lose his dignity in front of them, so I asked him to haul his ass out for a face-off,

me : “I’m not going to do this in front of your kids. You come out here and we talk.”

He came out, but I didn’t talk. I shouted.

me : “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?”

Mr.Sorry : “I’m really sorry… bla bla bla sorry…”

This time, I didn’t hold back the formality of being a nice neighbor. I yelled at the motherfucker at the top of my lungs and I fired unkind words with no holds barred. I was flipped out. Seriously, I wasn’t expecting anything from him right at that time. I just wanted to yell and let him know that I’m very pissed. One of the contractors came out a moment later (who happened to be a hag), and I turned to yell at her, in vulgar Hokkien language. It completely freaked everyone out. I looked like an animal who had gone loose in the head. Whatever. But for anyone who is understanding enough, he would have figured that this is actually the natural daddy instinct at play. Just like a nasty bear. You hurt his cub, he’s gonna fucking swat your brains out.

I eventually cooled down and went back to my apartment, had a quiet moment to myself (yeah, it was effective, the drilling work never resumed) to reflect back, if this could have been solved in a more amicable way. It couldn’t have. I tried my best to be nice, but that asshole made things complicated himself. Had he been a wee bit considerate enough to adhere to the apartment block regulations, he would have avoided the conflict altogether. (not to mention how he abused the word ‘sorry’ just to pave a pathetic excuse to drill more holes on his fucking walls).

Later in the evening, I stumbled into Mr.Sorry again when I was buying dinner for Emily, and we shook hands. This time, we did some formal introductions. He asked about my occupation (which I find a bit odd) and he in turn, told me that he was working at a university nearby. Maybe a professor of some kind (which makes it even harder to justify for the fuck-up he did). However, when he was about to leave the elevator to his floor, he issued the final apology – which I find was the most sincere (what the heck, he finished the drilling, DUH) and that was when I actually accepted his apology… (but I did that because it suddenly came to my senses that my car’s newer and more expensive than his… if you get my drift).

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
November 28, 2006

nuts and tools

I was on my way to answer the call of nature and saw Mojo Jojo coming out of the washroom, eyes locked on the floor and chuckling all by himself. It was as if he just had a romping session with some clowns inside the washroom, you know, with tears and phlegm shooting out from his eyes and nose respectively.

I didn’t give much thought about it until I went into the washroom myself, and realized that there wasn’t anyone inside. That was when the hairs on my nape stood, and a chilling thought loomed over my head – why the fuck was he laughing by himself like that?

I mean, yeah, we sometimes do weird things like laughing by ourselves. I myself did that before. An example would be when I got reminded of what I did to Skippy the cat many years ago (ahaks). But of course, when I do that, I’d always make sure I am alone. That is to prevent people from thinking that you’re a freak or something. But Mojo Jojo on the other hand, he’s of a different league when it comes to laughing by himself. He was doing it the ‘freak way’, which in my humble opinion, is not in compliance with the public consensus of what may be considered ‘OK’ at all.

After I flipped my prick dry and washed my hands, I went into the lab to confront the potential sociopath…

Me : “Hey man, I want to ask you something. I saw you laughing like a jackass by yourself when you came out of the washroom just now. What were you laughing at?”

Mojo Jojo : “Who, me?”

Me : “Yeah you motherfucking freak. Why were you laughing by yourself?”

Mojo Jojo : “No I didn’t. You must be mistaken someone else for me”

Ahhh denial. The first sign of mental sickness. Like one always say, a wacko won’t admit that he’s crazy when asked a direct question.

Me : “I’m absofuckinglutely sure it was you. Were you laughing at the insufficient length of your own dick back there in the washroom? Or what was it?”

Mojo Jojo : “No I swear I didn’t laugh by myself!”

Me : “Yeah right. You make sure you stay 10 feet away from me at all times, you freak! I don’t want you to get anywhere near me, you hear me?”

And he maniacally started his signature laugh again… [cues in Twilight Zone music and blood graphics draping down the screen]

o_O”

Man, that’s fucked up. No matter how far he offsets his distance from me, I know… I’ll never feel safe in the office or lab ever again… I think I’m going to start sneaking around to see if I could catch him swallowing a screw driver or something, and get a more tangible proof to nab this guy to an institution… hmmm…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off