Archive for December, 2006

December 17, 2006

privilege

Emily returned to my waiting car, after crossing a busy street from the pharmacy…

Emily : “Something strange happened to me, dear.”

Me : “What?”

Emily : “I was about to cross that busy street and the cars deliberately stopped to let me do it… I suddenly felt so important…”

If you can understand the mentality of Malaysian motorists, they don’t normally slow down or stop when they see pedestrians wanting to cross a street. In lieu of doing that, they would either accelerate, honk or flash their lights. Just… whatever to freak the shit out of anyone from crossing. What Emily experienced was indeed something very strange.

Emily : “I wonder what changed their attitude…”

Me : “That could only mean one thing – you’re old.”

Emily : “What??”

Me : “The only possible reasons for people stop their vehicles to let a female pedestrian cross a street, are either because she’s pregnant, or a geriatric. And you’re not pregnant.”

Emily : “Bleh! You said that because you’re jealous, ok? They let me cross because I’m hot. So hot that they had to stop their cars…”

Me : -_-‘

Girls… they never seem to be able to accept old age like us guys. They only realize they’re old when they have their menopause, which then, they’d be 10 times more difficult than ever.

(if you’re optimistic enough, you’d see that getting old can be a good thing. You get discounts everywhere and you don’t have to queue up to get something done. I think you old people should just exploit that privilege… and stop worrying about everything else.)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
December 16, 2006

Giant Battle Monsters

Behold, denizens of Earth… it’s the battle of the century, between 2 of the most fearsome powers the universe has ever fucking known… MichaelOoi attacks Mat Rempit (using Intelligence)!

MichaelOoi

Strength: 7 – I’m strong bebeh!
Agility: 3 – that’s because I’m old
Intelligence: 6 – I’m more experienced

MichaelOoi is a Giant Squid that breathes Ice Vapour, Fell from the Sky, has a mean Left Hook, a Humorous Nephew Sidekick and Staring Red Eyes, and is Sensitive to Noise.
——
When attacking:-
Strength: 8
Agility: 3
Intelligence: 6

Cold attack!

************VS.************

Mat Rempit

Strength: 4 – skinny fucks weak shits
Agility: 8 – they and their heavily modded crotch rockets
Intelligence: 4 – IQ equivalent of an exhaust pipe

Mat Rempit is a Giant Moth that shoots Laser Beams, has Black-and-White Stripes and a single Horn on its Forehead, can Leap Great Distances, and is Poisonous.
– carbon monoxides are poisonous alright…
——
When defending against MichaelOoi:-
Strength: 5
Agility: 9
Intelligence: 5

MichaelOoi wins!

******************

Customize your own monster fight at http://thesurrealist.co.uk/monster

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
December 13, 2006

menace

A new menace has hit the Malaysian society. Mat Rempit. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, it is a local Malay slang to describe illegal motorcycle racers. They’ve actually been around for many years, known to roam around in the wee hours of the morning – usually in big groups, organizing illegal races on common streets and perform death defying stunts for kicks.

But this has changed as of recent. Their ‘kicks’ are no longer confined to just illegal racings and stunts. They’ve became bolder and more dangerous, thanks to the lack of local law enforcement. They’re now ‘franchising’ a wider coverage for all of us to worry about – larceny, robbery, assault and even RAPE – all in one package. (Not long ago, there were even reports that some of them rained a storm of stones on a police station for detaining a few of their members.) They’re like swarms of nocturnal parasites, that are able to wear guises like normal humans to blend into the society during daytime and turn into feral creatures after dark, spreading havoc across the nation like a layer of spoilt peanut butter. (read more about them here – antimatrempit.blogspot.com

So, has there been any effort from the authorities to rectify this Mat Rempit problem? Apparently, yeah. Some kind of effort. Many months ago, one of the local political party – UMNO youth or something – proposed to organize more recreational activities for those Mat Rempits in hope to recycle them into something useful. I thought the authorities are going to coax them into a mass suicide event, then use their bodies to reclaim some lands for development (which would be good…). But no. They’re actually talking about gatherings, roadtrips and seminars for these criminals. Like those guys are going to repent by just listening. (I thought that has already been covered at schools and mosques? Whatever.) There are even suggestions to build more racing circuits for these illegal racers to ‘let off their steam’… with our tax money, I suppose. What the fuck, man.

I wonder what’s the real reason behind all these ‘soft’ approach to tackle the Mat Rempits. Was the leniency a politically or racially motivated one? If those Mat Rempits were to be comprised of… say… Chinese Ah Bengs, or Bhais… or perhaps foreign workers… could the authorities have acted differently? Nobody knows. The excuse that we often hear from them – They’re our future leaders maa… it’s unfair to look at them in a negative light… we shouldn’t neglect them as a society… bla bla bla. Yeah, why don’t we give these Mat Rempits some money to buy a car, so that we don’t need to worry about them riding anymore? Or perhaps even give them a good meal while we’re at that… offer them our homes as well… What a brilliant way to counter social decadence. (That’s what happens when you have illiterate politicians bersandiwara. I have one word for these people – Phordahhhh!).

The fact is, somebody ought to come up with something more aggressive than just recreational activities, seminars and monetary fine. Something more credible. The logic says, when a group of people begin to challenge the authorities and endanger the public, they are basically asking for troubles. They are not ‘lost’ or anything like that. They are the scums that went rogue despite all the education and teachings that have been given to them. They’re criminals. You don’t organize seminars for criminals and let them get away with it. You make them pay for their crimes. I’m talking about longer jail term, more cane strokes or hell, even ISA for all I care – just whatever to make them understand – that crime does not pay. You flout the law, you’re gonna have to face the penalty and lose your future. Like their popular idiom – siapa makan cili, dialah yang kongkek pedas. It’s that simple. Why can’t the authorities start taking actions already (get military or FRU support if necessary. We don’t feed them soldiers with our tax money to just wreck helicopters and herd stadium crowds).

Until the menace is gone, you people will just have to be extra careful out there. Refrain from going out late at night, and keep all your emergency phone numbers in handy. May the force be with you.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 17 Comments
December 12, 2006

long time no see

You know, one very strange thing I noticed about life, is that… the odds for one to stumble into an old friend, are very much higher at places that serve alcoholic beverages (pubs, clubs, etc) than those that don’t. I don’t know if it’s only me, but I never seem to have met them at any other places. It was as if my senses are dull at normal times, and would only heighten when I consume enough booze to spot them.

The same thing happened to me (again) last Friday, I spotted TongHai — a friend whom I acquainted during my ‘school bus years’ — while drinking at a local lounge with Charles and Ayamas. Apart from not looking as tall and stout as he used to be, he hasn’t changed much from our kiddy days at all. The same turgid head full of pubic curls, thick neck and a bridge so wide that made his eyes seem to separate far apart like ‘The Toxic Avenger’… Good old TongHai.

“TongHai! Remember me?”

When I yelled at him, he was being dragged by a very tragic looking walrus sized female creature and he turned to look at me like I was trying to save his life (from that fucking walrus). He said nothing at first but grinned, with memory exception error written all over his face (that guy was half drunk, his brain’s not working at the full capacity – which explains the walrus and amnesia). Only after a few more prods to his stalled memory, we managed to light him up like a bulb and greeted like how old friends should.

Then, like someone who had just been given a larger capacity of thinking power, he excused himself from the walrus (thank god!) to hang around with us to catch up over some beers, you know… what are we doing now… where to hang out and stuffs. Then came the part when we talked about our marital status, to which, he learned that I already have a daughter of six months…

“I already have a daughter. Six months.”

“You mean, the knocked-up six months? Or the baby six months?”

“Baby six months.”

“Wow.”

“How about you dude? Married?”

“No I’m not married yet. But I like to fuck.”

He said that with a smug on his face. We were all of course dumbfucked with what he said. Talk about coherence. I mean, of course it is normal for everyone to like having sex in the literal sense. But you don’t just simply disclaim publicly that you ‘like to fuck’. It just ain’t right. It’s a mutual understandable thing, you don’t have to say it out loud.

Then as if we’re not clear enough, TongHai further gesticulated with his hands to emphasize his point, by vellicating his index finger into the ring of an ‘OK’ sign made by the alternate hand, and reiterated… loudly…

“I love fucking. Fucking is awesome.”

More handsigns followed. He continued to babble about ‘cheap chicks in good packages’ at some outlets that he had been frequenting and then he meticulously listed the prices for various samples of good ‘stocks’ he had ‘inspected’ before. Simply unbelievable. He sounded like a prospective pimp promoting vice tourism for the whole fucking Penang! Goddamn! Ok, either that, or he sounded like a really slow witted kid who had just discovered the sexual capability of his own genital and unable contain his excitement about it.

All the while, the 3 of us just nodded and pretended to be thrilled by his profound knowledge on where to get the best quickie for the lowest price in town. But actually, we’re more like… amazed, on the kind of injustices alcohol could do to a person’s wit, by diluting his senses and screwing up his logics. Who knows, maybe TongHai isn’t really a whorehound. Maybe he just wanted to boast in front of his friends, or in this case, distant friends. (But then, the price he quoted sounded kinda realistic so, I guess he’s really into fucking public toilets… I mean, prostitutes.)

But really, who cares. Just as long as he doesn’t rape farm animals out of desperation or participate in illegal motorcycle racing endangering the public, he can basically do whatever he wants.

So we kinda listened at our long lost friend doing a monologue detailing his fetish for illegal foreign prostitutes, chugging down beer as he dramatically flailed his arms to articulate certain important points… and watching him inebriating himself away into the night…

That was how the missing years of our friendship came to be – it’s all about shoving his dick into some pay-per-session cunts. Dirty old TongHai.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
December 7, 2006

no cholesterol, please.

I was waiting for my order at the breakfast counter in the cafeteria, when a somewhat slipshod Indian bloke appeared out of nowhere and shouted for his order in Malay:

Indian bloke : “Bagi breakfast satu!”
(translation : “Gimme a breakfast set!”)

Slightly annoyed with the rude behavior, the server confirmed his order and went about to prepare the food he requested. But then, Indian bloke called out for another time,

Indian bloke : “Tak mau kolesterol!”
(translation : “I do not want cholesterol in it!”)

You know, he was kinda loud… and the effect was unbelievable. It froze everyone who heard him – apparently bewildered. It was as if the time had stopped and there was a big ass virtual spotlight shining on that lout. The server half frowned and squinted at that Indian bloke, wondering if she had heard him wrong. Indian bloke panicked and tried to set the situation straight:

Indian bloke : “Errmmm.. you tau… itu… kolesterol? eermm… itu putih punya sayur? jangan taruk…”
(translation : “Errmm.. you know… cholesterol? errmm… those white vegetables? I don’t want that…”)

It took everyone a few seconds to realize that he actually meant that he do not want any ‘COLESLAW’, instead of ‘CHOLESTEROL’, inside his breakfast set.

Server : “Ooooooh coleslawwwwwwww”

Indian bloke : [sheepish grin]

Unbelievable, isn’t it? That guy who doesn’t seem to be able to pronounce a simple word like ‘coleslaw’, pronounced the word ‘cholesterol’ (which has more syllables and sounded more complex) so flawlessly as if it was his gay partner’s name. Really unfuckingbelievable…

Now, who says Malaysians aren’t health conscious enough? I’ve seen one who specifically do not want ‘cholesterol’ in his food… you can’t get any more extreme than that…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off