December 26, 2006

“Snakes On A Plane” (2006)

Like I’ve said before, ever since Regine was born, I don’t get to go to the cinema that often anymore. That’s why I resorted to downloading movies… outdated movies, and watch them late at night when nobody’s around. I have to admit, sometimes I’m kinda concerned that people might think that I’m watching porn – you know, with that kind of hour and privacy – it’s a matching profile. But I assure you… I’m not really into porn. It’s just unpermitting circumstances.

Alright, so I finally get to watch this “Snakes on a Plane” flick. Been wanting to catch this one for quite some time, and I finally did it on Christmas day. How do I find it? Totally out of my expectations at all. Totally.

With that kind of title and poster (the cool twin snakes intertwining a plane logo…), I thought the flick was of an action genre that has seriously complex and intelligent plots that involves a plane hijack or something – but I was so fucking off my mark about that. It turns out, this movie is ANYTHING but serious. Lame storyline, lame acting and lame everything… but despite all that, it was as entertaining as any of best movies I watched in 2006.

Now how come a movie with everything so bad could be so good at the same time? I don’t know how they did it man. Maybe it’s the idea of being flippant itself. It was as if, the whole idea is about getting out of our mind and common propriety… and have a mind blowing laugh at the misfortune of others.

The plot is quite simple. It was about a young man called Sean Jones who was at the wrong place at the wrong time – for witnessing a murder while dirt-biking at Hawaii. The murderer happened to be a famous Korean mobster (or was it Japanese?) who was on trial over some of his crimes and the person he murdered was the prosecutor who indicted him. But Sean was unfortunate, he was discovered by the mobster and soon, had his ass hot when the mobster’s hitmen found his apartment. That was when FBI agent Neville came in to save him and later convinced Sean to turn witness to put the mobster behind bars for good.

To do that, they had to travel back to LA on a plane (Sean to be escorted/guarded by Neville and another FBI agent) and that was when the ‘snake adventure’ starts. The villains, bent on preventing Sean from reaching LA, put a time triggered crate full of poisonous and agitated snakes (triggered by pheromones) on board of the plane to bring the whole thing down from the sky. Adventure ensues.

As you can imagine, the plot’s kinda mindless and straightforward. Once we’re brought on board of the 747, it’s all about hissing serpents wreaking a carnage across the entire fuselage. You’d see blood, you’d see gore, you’d see the worst imaginable deaths that could be caused by snakes.

– snake bites on limbs
– snake bites on head
– snake bites on face
– snake bites on eyeball
– snake bites on boob
– snake bites on dick
– snake bites on ass
– high heel stiletto piercing through a human head (during pandemonium)
– snake sexually arousing a woman
– snake swallowing a human whole (yes, quite oddly, they managed to get a giant anaconda into the plane as well…)

and every imaginable animal cruelty to be inflicted upon snakes
– to burn a snake with fire
– to zap a snake with a stun gun
– to pop a few caps on a snake
– to inflict bodily harm on snake with an axe
– to explode a snake inside the microwave
– etc

You get the drift. There were heaps of fun violence and loads of bullshit scripts. I especially like one of the pilots. One of his notable funny quotes “this plane would go down faster than a Thai hooker”. Well, the plane did indeed go down – landed safely by a body guard of some famous hip-hop star (when the funny pilot died), who managed to land the fucking plane based on his PS2 flight simulator experience. Simply awesome.

At the end of the movie, more than half the people inside the plane croaked from either a gruesome immediate death or slow painful ones – but I have to admit that, I never had a greater time watching people getting killed… than seeing those damn fake CGI snakes executing it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 

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