Archive for December, 2006

December 27, 2006

2006 roll up

The previous 3 years had been quite tragic for me, for I had to contend with death after death in the family. In just that short period of time, I lost all my grandparents, and most of all, my own father. My world tumbled into darkness and the journey seemed to look real lonely ahead.

But in 2006, I found my light and was given a blessing instead. I got Regine.

Life with Regine for these 7 months has been the best to date in my life, though the first 5 were quite shitty – having to deal with Emily’s unstable temperament during her pregnancy and the amount of moolahs involved in delivering the baby. But it was all well worth it post second half of the year. The joy that Regine brought to our world sort of eclipsed everything else that sucked and illuminated the way ahead for us.

You know, I used to be indifferent to all those environmental and animal extinction shits around me. I didn’t really care. I was self centered and apathetic. Like, why the fuck should I give a damn? When I fucking die, it will all be gone like a dream. Why fight for a dream that isn’t here to stay for myself?

But Regine changed all that. My priority in life shifted. It’s all for her now. I want her to see how a real tiger or rhino looks like. I want her to see natural waterfalls, douse herself in it and be able to build a real sandcastle on a real beach. Not on some artificial high tech indoor waterpark or something. I want her to see the world at its best and this radically changed my way of doing things on this planet. Like – I swear to god (note: not an implication that I believe in some divine higher being) – that I’m going to spend every ounce of my consciousness to preserve the environment and make this world a less hostile place for my Regine to live in. (no… not like those Steve Irwin craps but, something like – habitual recycling, refrain from eating endangered animals and burp/fart less).

And I’m gonna also focus more in my career to improve the quality of her (and Emily’s) life. In fact, I’ve been working on that since last year, after that round of dramatic self realization on how much of a sleaze I had been (see 2005 roll up). And I did well alright. I earned respects and carved influences. Hell, I couldn’t have made it any better. A testament to that, I was nominated for a promotion by the boss. Though I did not get that promotion (out of sheer bad luck), but at least I don’t feel like an underachiever no more. I now know I’m good and I can smack the motherfucking shit out of all those rookie engineers hands down.

So, it’s all about Regine now. 2007 will be to get her to walk, talk or maybe to perform a cool wheelie on her tricycle. Whatever it is, I hope she’s going to be smarter than her daddy (who is already very smart *wink*) and stay healthy always.

Love to all of you people. Happy New Year and fucking make way please… my kid’s growing up.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 20 Comments
December 26, 2006

motherfucking dogs

I’m sitting right here, in the middle of my awakening hours, in the dark, listening to some of my neighbors’ stupid dogs barking like they’ve just seen their doggie team won a World Cup or something. Fuck, I hate dogs. I mean, I like dogs generally… but sometimes, I fucking hate them. Just like what I’m feeling right now. I so fucking want to pepper spray a dog at this very moment now. Maybe grate its head with sandpaper and duct tape a few tablespoons of salt on that wound. Or fuck, I’d just duct tape the whole damn animal on my neighbor’s car exhaust manifold and let it die a slow painful death. Motherfucking dogs. [going to sleep now]

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off

“Snakes On A Plane” (2006)

Like I’ve said before, ever since Regine was born, I don’t get to go to the cinema that often anymore. That’s why I resorted to downloading movies… outdated movies, and watch them late at night when nobody’s around. I have to admit, sometimes I’m kinda concerned that people might think that I’m watching porn – you know, with that kind of hour and privacy – it’s a matching profile. But I assure you… I’m not really into porn. It’s just unpermitting circumstances.

Alright, so I finally get to watch this “Snakes on a Plane” flick. Been wanting to catch this one for quite some time, and I finally did it on Christmas day. How do I find it? Totally out of my expectations at all. Totally.

With that kind of title and poster (the cool twin snakes intertwining a plane logo…), I thought the flick was of an action genre that has seriously complex and intelligent plots that involves a plane hijack or something – but I was so fucking off my mark about that. It turns out, this movie is ANYTHING but serious. Lame storyline, lame acting and lame everything… but despite all that, it was as entertaining as any of best movies I watched in 2006.

Now how come a movie with everything so bad could be so good at the same time? I don’t know how they did it man. Maybe it’s the idea of being flippant itself. It was as if, the whole idea is about getting out of our mind and common propriety… and have a mind blowing laugh at the misfortune of others.

The plot is quite simple. It was about a young man called Sean Jones who was at the wrong place at the wrong time – for witnessing a murder while dirt-biking at Hawaii. The murderer happened to be a famous Korean mobster (or was it Japanese?) who was on trial over some of his crimes and the person he murdered was the prosecutor who indicted him. But Sean was unfortunate, he was discovered by the mobster and soon, had his ass hot when the mobster’s hitmen found his apartment. That was when FBI agent Neville came in to save him and later convinced Sean to turn witness to put the mobster behind bars for good.

To do that, they had to travel back to LA on a plane (Sean to be escorted/guarded by Neville and another FBI agent) and that was when the ‘snake adventure’ starts. The villains, bent on preventing Sean from reaching LA, put a time triggered crate full of poisonous and agitated snakes (triggered by pheromones) on board of the plane to bring the whole thing down from the sky. Adventure ensues.

As you can imagine, the plot’s kinda mindless and straightforward. Once we’re brought on board of the 747, it’s all about hissing serpents wreaking a carnage across the entire fuselage. You’d see blood, you’d see gore, you’d see the worst imaginable deaths that could be caused by snakes.

– snake bites on limbs
– snake bites on head
– snake bites on face
– snake bites on eyeball
– snake bites on boob
– snake bites on dick
– snake bites on ass
– high heel stiletto piercing through a human head (during pandemonium)
– snake sexually arousing a woman
– snake swallowing a human whole (yes, quite oddly, they managed to get a giant anaconda into the plane as well…)

and every imaginable animal cruelty to be inflicted upon snakes
– to burn a snake with fire
– to zap a snake with a stun gun
– to pop a few caps on a snake
– to inflict bodily harm on snake with an axe
– to explode a snake inside the microwave
– etc

You get the drift. There were heaps of fun violence and loads of bullshit scripts. I especially like one of the pilots. One of his notable funny quotes “this plane would go down faster than a Thai hooker”. Well, the plane did indeed go down – landed safely by a body guard of some famous hip-hop star (when the funny pilot died), who managed to land the fucking plane based on his PS2 flight simulator experience. Simply awesome.

At the end of the movie, more than half the people inside the plane croaked from either a gruesome immediate death or slow painful ones – but I have to admit that, I never had a greater time watching people getting killed… than seeing those damn fake CGI snakes executing it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
December 21, 2006

common sense

It was rush hour and I was overtaking on the fast lane. But due to the traffic congestion around the area, the overtaking was snagged to a limited speed, but good enough to get pass the stretch of slower moving vehicles on the left lane. Then came this impetuous driver, appearing out of nowhere behind my Lorraine and started to repeatedly flash his headlights like mad – like he so desperately needed me to move over to let him through or else his balls are gonna fucking explode or something.

On any normal circumstances, I would have moved over (then flip him a bird). But I couldn’t and didn’t. That’s because I was surrounded with cars on my left and at the front. On my right, was a 2 feet high divider with fence. There couldn’t have been any other way for me to let him pass other than flying. Ergo, he must had thought that my car could fly. Fly right over the traffic to make way for him to advance that few feet closer to the hind bumper of another car… Riggggght.

Well, that’s a flattering thought… but the last I checked, my car didn’t come prefitted with any anti-gravitational device, or any nifty eggbeater blades capable of generating enough airlift to lift 1.3 tonnes of sheer metal off the ground. (If my car could do that, I probably would have fucking flew to my destination instead of pissing myself off contending the traffic.) So, there could only be one explanation for that guy’s excessively irrational behavior – lack of common sense.

Not very surprising though… as this wasn’t the first time I encounter utterly hopeless people like him around. There was once I encountered a young lady who stopped her car right behind my reversing car, waiting to park my spot. Like… if her car is blocking my reversing car, how the hell am I gonna vacant that parking lot for her to park? It’s unbelievably fucking stupid, isn’t it?

Sadly, it really happened. It seems that this ‘lack of common sense’ syndrome is quite widespread, especially amongst the younger generation. Ask yourself, how many times have you received forwarded mails (from your brain damaged friends), alleging that if you don’t forward it to another 20 subsequent recipients in your address book, your pet dog’s going to fucking explode (or something like that)? Go figure why would there be anyone stupid enough to be duped into believing that kind of shit.

I’m not sure if this is due to the amount of synthetic food that we religiously consume everyday, or is this some kind of side effects the computer technology has on human evolution. But one thing I’m sure, is that if we don’t do something about it sooner, we’re bound to evolve back into cavemen…

So what should we do? I don’t fucking know. Maybe create an additional subject in school specifically to encourage logical judgment and thinking? I can imagine some of the questions in their exam to be like this:

eg# 1:
Pundi kencing anda telah penuh, anda harus
a) minum air
b) makan nasi
c) hisap kotek
d) pergi kencing

eg# 2:
Anda terserempak dengan seekor beruang yang tempang. Apakah yang anda harus buat seterusnya?
a) Menjerit sekuat hatinya.
b) Cuba melawan beruang tersebut.
c) Merogol beruang tersebut.
d) Lari.

Something to start with… for the good of humanity.

(if you’re wondering if I’ve done anything to the impetuous flashing driver – well, I pulled a panic-brake maneuver on him… but it didn’t stop him from flashing though. Got him madder instead.)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 17 Comments
December 19, 2006

a favour

I saw this posted right next to a photocopy machine at the office…

If you’re unable to operate this copier, kindly approach your administrator to get the passcode for the machine. Thank you.

Doesn’t sound quite right, isn’t it? I don’t know but, if it were to be me, I would have put it up as…

If you’re unable to operate this copier, you should probably fucking die.

Alright man, that was a joke. (That notice was suppose to keep off non-employees from utilizing our office equipment by password-protecting the copier… instead of what I suggested…)

But really, I myself have encountered a high post executive who doesn’t know how to operate a goddamn photocopier. It happened many years ago, I was on my way to a meeting location at the office when I saw that ‘high post executive’ – a fat douche bag with fiiiiive figure salary — holding a stack of documents and gazing at the photocopier, like he’s waiting for a response from the machine or something. He didn’t fiddle with the buttons nor did he try to check the tray or anything. He just stood there looking confused. One could obviously tell that he:

a) doesn’t know how to photocopy a stack of documents,
b) doesn’t know how the hell did his secretary do it,
c) hasn’t actually seen a photocopier before…(what more to operate one…)

Hell… had he knew that letting Ms.Secretary off for her unnecessary vacation would cause him so much of a trouble, he would have chosen not to approve her leave application in the first place… So complex, so many buttons! GODDAMN THAT FUCKING BITCH @#$%^&*.

That was when I came into the picture, right about the moment when his head was at the verge of exploding. A bright and promising young man who looked like he could fix a nuclear submarine with just his dick. Alright bebeh!

“Errr excuse me… can you do me a favour?”

He sounded like some pedophile old man offering me a candy in exchange for a piece of my ass. I was young, naive and gullible. I answered that stranger…

“Yeah… how may I help you, sir?”

I had to be courteous and formal, for this five-figured salary blur cuttlefish, was my boss’s boss’s boss and several levels up. I did not want a simple chore like this ruin my career (my thinking was a bit shallow back then, forgive me…)

“See err… I have this stack of documents which I need… err… quite urgently. Would you kindly help me photocopy them and put them on my desk?”

“Why can’t you do it yourself? It’s obviously faster and also, you get to keep the information confidential all by yourself…”

Ok, I didn’t say that. That was actually what I had in mind. I just responded “Sure”, took the documents off his hands and went to work my magic with the photocopier. Got it done in under a minute. That photocopy machine apparently, came with an auto-sorting function. Just unstaple the docs, dump it on the automatic feeder and press a big round button marked with the word ‘COPY’ on it. I wanted to ask for a promotion, or at least a free meal at the cafeteria or something… but he wasn’t around when I plopped the copied stack of documents on his table. Probably hiding around the corner somewhere… unable to take the courage to face the rookie boy who fucking saved his five-figured ass…

I did a random search on my own blog to see if I’ve blogged about this before.. Apparently, one of my fictional entries was actually inspired by this incident… ahaks! You can read that entry — here

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off