Archive for November, 2006

November 6, 2006

almost bit the dust

Accompanied Emily to the blood lab again last Saturday. But it was a bit crowded in the lab that morning and we had to wait for our turn. While waiting, I, for some inexplicable reasons, made a stupid remark about the cute receptionist (again) to Emily.

Me : “Man, her attractiveness sure has gone down the drain ever since she became a mommy…”

Yes, the girl sort of evolved from a cutesy looking attractive lass into basically, a tragic looking creature with terrible hair.

Emily : “Hmmm, she looks all the same to me.”

Me : “Are you even serious?? Just… look at her! Look at her hair! She’s not as pretty as she used to be anymore.”

Emily stared at me… and laid a trap.

Emily : “Oh yeah? So how do I look then… after becoming a mommy?”

Me : “You? Aisehman… of course you still look pretty, dear… of course… ahaks”

She snickered. She must had thought that it was a fucking lie. But it wasn’t. The truth is, no matter how much my Emily changes, she’s going to look all the same to me. Like the day I first discovered her sparkling eyes… lushy lips… and the imperfect nose with dark heads. I love you, my dear.


michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
November 5, 2006

my neighbor had a nasty fight

My neighbor had a nasty fight with her husband a couple nights ago. No I didn’t actually see it, but they were loud enough for everyone in the apartment block to have a clear inkling of what was going on. It was a classic husband and wife brawl, that ended up with plenty of broken furniture, traumatized kids and a whole market load of shapeshifter gossips.

From the outlook of that family of four, they seem to be a bunch of happy folks. No they don’t look like those coarse barbarians who shouldn’t have kids at all. The husband’s a fair skinned guy as if he’s without any pigmentation and always sported with a neatly trimmed hair. You know… like the kind of bloke who hangs out at churches, that would weep over a dead rat he happens to find on the street and loves tennis as much as his wife. No signs of life violence in him at all. The wife is a typical housewife who probably watches too much ‘Desperate Housewives’, and spends majority of her time inside the family car ferrying her kids around to tuition centers and piano classes. Then there are both her kids, a dick and a jane who have been schooling at the best schools in town. Like I said, a bunch of nice people. (I’ve briefly mentioned about them here – the second mention in that list.)

But on Friday night (or was it Thursday?), they shocked the living shit out of all their neighbors. It was as if hell had just broken loose inside their apartment and they were having a chainsaw party with undeads. First, it was just their kids, screaming and crying. I initially thought that maybe the little girl had just swallowed a spider or something, as the parents didn’t seem to be the kind that would get medieval with their kids. But soon, I realized I was wrong, when came the voice of the mom, yelling and threatening her kids. It was so unusually loud that it made me wonder, what had the kid done wrong. Got the pet cat pregnant? No, it had to be more serious than that… and besides, they don’t have a pet animal. The kid must had stolen the mom’s vibrator and showed it to the grandma or something of that scale… and he/she (I don’t know which one) was getting his/her ass creamed for it.

The kid’s scream then got louder by the seconds, and mom got more apeshit. There were some stomping noises, which I presume the kid must had dodged mom’s biffings by running away. Smart kid. It was all only stompings and screamings for approximately 10 seconds until suddenly, the dad joined in the orgy. Dad was yelling something to the mom, and then the mom went whimpering. Not just any whimpering but, the kind that makes you imagine that she must have had a part of her nipple amputated with a nail clipper and her pain amplified with a pinch of salt mixed with curry powder. Yeah, the dad must have done something really painful to the postal mom. It was total chaos. The whimpering was then followed by a screaming competition by both the adults, drowning the kids’ bleatings. Then furniture went crashing, pots clanking and then, the mom screamed at the top of her lungs – “I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF!! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF!! HOW DARE YOU BEAT ME!!” (well, she was screaming in Cantonese and didn’t actually say ‘fuck’. I added ‘fuck’ to make it sound more dramatic).

The suicide threat continued for a few more times, followed by more scuffling and stuffs getting thrown around the house… and we listened. I guess the husband must have lent a hand to help her kill herself. Emily got real freaked out and remarked that the screaming reminded her of Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”. I went ‘wtf???, I was trying to concentrate here! hush, will ya?’ …you know, in case the wife would jump out of the apartment unit and wreck another annoying neighbor’s car downstairs (that would be so fucking cool). But I wasn’t hoping that to happen of course, I’m not that cold blooded, ok? Maybe, just let there be one or two stray pots to hit the car instead… that would be as equally awesome.

Anyway, the wife didn’t eventually kill herself. That was because after the fight ended and noise ceased, we didn’t hear any ambulance. There would have been an ambulance if she’s dead or hurt too badly. It was all silence after that. The whole episode lasted for about 20 minutes and no asshole neighbors’ cars were damaged in the process (damn!).

In case you’re wondering why I didn’t play hero to lend a helping hand to my neighbor who’s getting a piece of her husband’s karate chop, I’d have to say that, I’m not the kind of person who likes to poke my nose into my neighbor’s domestic problems… or pretend that I care for them. (hate to say this, it’s also not my obligation). They’re having a fight, which they probably needed to resolve some family issues. Besides, if she’d be needing any help, she would have shouted for “HELPPP!!” instead of “I’m gonna fucking kill myself because of you my love!”. See my point?

And in case you’re also wondering where I stand on the topic of domestic violence – I’m totally against it. Although certain shapeshifters do deserve to get their jaws dislocated and having their nipples ripped off by a nail clipper (like those that I mentioned here and here), I’m totally against the idea of beating up the weaker gender (weaker gender as in, the females. Not transvetites or effeminate males). In my arrogant opinion, the moment a guy hurts a female physically, he’d be instantly downgraded all the way down to the lowest social standard.

Just leave the fucking bitch and look for a better life, if it’s so distressing for you.

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
November 2, 2006

dolt – take 6

The lab phone rang, and I answered it.

dolt : “Milkboy”

Great, I thought. Another dolt who doesn’t know how to ask properly.

me : “I’m not”

dolt : “Is he in?”

me : “Not in.”

dolt : “Do you know where he is?”

me : “Don’t know”

dolt : “Ok thank you..”

Seriously, I wonder what the hell have they been teaching at schools and colleges. Kids nowadays don’t seem to have the slightest wit to hold a decent phone conversation anymore. FUCKKKK!

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off

to treat or not

I don’t understand why would some people risk their reputation just for the sake of a couple hundred bucks. I saw this happening to one of my colleagues who recently got promoted. When he was approached by another fellow colleague for a promotion treat, he sort of bailed out. Really bailed out. No he didn’t explain or even attempt to give an excuse, he just ignored anyone that approached him as if nothing had happened.

What’s worse, is that this guy, is one of the hardcore cronies that has been going to everyone else’s promotion dinner. Now that it is his turn to get promoted, he bails out. I’m not sure if there’s a credible reason behind his seemingly selfish act, like maybe a medical condition that prohibits him from forking out anything from his pocket at all or something… But what I’m sure, is that this whole episode, will DEFINITELY have some effect on his career in the coming days.

Why? People started to talk and I myself have heard about those talks. And they’re not good. It boggles me to think that whatever good deed Mr.Promoted-Guy had done in the past, will all be eclipsed by just one very stupid mistake – his failure to show appreciation to his work peers. A mistake that he shouldn’t have made. I’m sure he’s going to get ALL the support he’s gonna require to bid for his next promotion…. if you get my drift.

Looking at this from another angle, it can also be a good thing for all of us here in the office. Like, we’ve got nothing to lose without his promotion dinner treat, but in the course of learning that, we get to see what kind of wretched person he is… Naturally, this is like a planting a red flag on a camouflaged land mine, that warns everyone to stay the fuck out from this dick and warrants a safer passage for everyone in their career. *shrugs*

I decided to blog this so that you adolescent tit suckers out there would learn from this, the easy way. This is a classic example of extreme stupidity in workplace, you don’t frigging jeopardize your work relationships with your peers over a few hundred bucks. It’s just not worth it and so fucking pathetic.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 1, 2006

A plea for a noble deed

Found this mail in my inbox today

From: Muhammed Al-hakim []
To: Michael Ooi
Date: Nov 1, 2006 3:15 PM
Subject: A plea for a noble deed

Dear Friend,
As you read this, I don‘t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Muhammed Al-hakim a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Isreal, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15,000,000,00 that I have with a Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit stashed in a diplomtic box and dispatche it to the less priviledged and hungry.I am failing in health and i have been restricted to a solitary life by the doctors till i die.

I have set aside 30% for your time and service and expenses.

N.B:dear friend, please do reply to my alternate email address only: , for a faster response

Muhammed Al-hakim
God be with you

Like I should be flattered. Here’s my reply to Muhammed:

From: Michael Ooi
To: Muhammed Al-hakim []
Date: Nov 1, 2006 4:51 PM
Subject: Re: A plea for a noble deed

Dear Muhammed, son of a camel,

as rich as your cancerous ass can be, I can’t help but feel sorry for you. There are only SIX zeros in a million, moron… you should probably learn arithmetic before you die.

From Malaysia with love,

We Malaysians are definitely a courteous lot… at least I know I am.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | Comments Off