November 1, 2006

problem solving guide III

Did something wrong and fell into a deep pit full of shit? Not knowing what to do but die? Well, worry not, the game’s not over yet. Allow me, your friendly neighborhood blogger, to present you a set of guidelines to haul your ass out of your seemingly hopeless predicament (again, in a convenient FAQ format)…

Case #1
Q: “In conjunction of my 14th birthday celebration, I pilfered 50 bucks from my mom’s purse and used the money to buy some cheap booze. While I was getting high on booze the other night, I was caught by my mom who was looking for that missing 50 bucks, who also later found out that I’ve used up the money to get high. I’m fucked! What should I do??”
A: You see, we humans are controlled by hormones and filled with mushy stuffs. The key thing is, to emotionally deceive your mom and convince her that you “liberated” her 50 bucks for a good cause. Just stage a crying act in front of her, and forlornly tell her that you needed the booze fix to improve your blood circulation to the brain to get better grades in school. It’s all for your own future. To look and sound more convincing, try to quiver your hands like you have Parkinson’s disease… I’m sure she’ll forget about the missing 50 bucks and leave you to your drinking binge.

Case #2
Q: “I fleeced 20 over grands from my company and used the money to buy myself a really awesome massage chair. But luck was not on my side, for my boss discovered it and am currently facing job termination… and even a possible police case for the crime. My future is hanging in balance here. Is there anything that I can do to get out of this?”
A: Your boss’ boss is his hormone. You have to move your boss into his soft spot, by feigning a tearful and emotional outburst. Tell him that you’re sorry, and that you needed the Japan-made-electronic-massage chair desperately, to appease the spirit of the dead people suffered during the Japanese occupation. Then at the finale of the drama, cower yourself on the floor and tremble as if you’re very cold like that. If your boss is a human, he’ll dig your reasoning… and even let you keep the awesome massage chair. No shit.

Case #3
Q: “I was porking my Indonesian maid inside the broom closet the other day. Halfway through the act, the closet door swung open and there stood my wife, shocked and tearful. I was caught in the act. She’s now packing her bags and about to call her lawyer soon. Do you reckon if there’s anything more that I can do to save this marriage?”
A: The only thing left for you to do now, is to fucking cry… loudly. This is to hook her attention. Once you got her attention, tell her that you’re sorry. The tears will convince her. Then try to make her forget what you did, you know… like the Jedi mind trick? Yeah. Tell her that you didn’t actually pork your Indonesian maid. What she saw you did in the closet, was supposed to be an ancient shamanic ritual of ridding the negative chi’s off your body. It’s for the good of the family. To seal of the whole act, shake yourself up like you’re having a seizure or something. She’ll immediately attend to you and forget about the whole incident. Then ask your maid to unpack your wife’s bags and discard the used condoms in the closet.

Case #4
Q: “My car battery’s flat. Apparently, I haven’t been topping up the damn thing with distilled water and now it’s dead. What should I do now??”
A: Cry dude, cry. Lament that you’re sorry, and humbly remark that it’s your mistake for not topping up the battery water at required intervals. But that mistake, is unavoidable, as you’ve used up all your money to pay for your petrol and feeding those starving children at Monaco. Probably to intensify your pitiful state of patheticness, you can make yourself jerk like you’re having stroke and maybe your plight might be answered by the God Of Capacitance – who would benignly cold start your engine with a charged capacitor in place of a lead based battery.

Sama-sama.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 

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