Archive for November, 2006

November 28, 2006

nuts and tools

I was on my way to answer the call of nature and saw Mojo Jojo coming out of the washroom, eyes locked on the floor and chuckling all by himself. It was as if he just had a romping session with some clowns inside the washroom, you know, with tears and phlegm shooting out from his eyes and nose respectively.

I didn’t give much thought about it until I went into the washroom myself, and realized that there wasn’t anyone inside. That was when the hairs on my nape stood, and a chilling thought loomed over my head – why the fuck was he laughing by himself like that?

I mean, yeah, we sometimes do weird things like laughing by ourselves. I myself did that before. An example would be when I got reminded of what I did to Skippy the cat many years ago (ahaks). But of course, when I do that, I’d always make sure I am alone. That is to prevent people from thinking that you’re a freak or something. But Mojo Jojo on the other hand, he’s of a different league when it comes to laughing by himself. He was doing it the ‘freak way’, which in my humble opinion, is not in compliance with the public consensus of what may be considered ‘OK’ at all.

After I flipped my prick dry and washed my hands, I went into the lab to confront the potential sociopath…

Me : “Hey man, I want to ask you something. I saw you laughing like a jackass by yourself when you came out of the washroom just now. What were you laughing at?”

Mojo Jojo : “Who, me?”

Me : “Yeah you motherfucking freak. Why were you laughing by yourself?”

Mojo Jojo : “No I didn’t. You must be mistaken someone else for me”

Ahhh denial. The first sign of mental sickness. Like one always say, a wacko won’t admit that he’s crazy when asked a direct question.

Me : “I’m absofuckinglutely sure it was you. Were you laughing at the insufficient length of your own dick back there in the washroom? Or what was it?”

Mojo Jojo : “No I swear I didn’t laugh by myself!”

Me : “Yeah right. You make sure you stay 10 feet away from me at all times, you freak! I don’t want you to get anywhere near me, you hear me?”

And he maniacally started his signature laugh again… [cues in Twilight Zone music and blood graphics draping down the screen]

o_O”

Man, that’s fucked up. No matter how far he offsets his distance from me, I know… I’ll never feel safe in the office or lab ever again… I think I’m going to start sneaking around to see if I could catch him swallowing a screw driver or something, and get a more tangible proof to nab this guy to an institution… hmmm…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
November 24, 2006

kitty question

I was googling for something off the net and stumbled upon an interesting question inside an FAQ page:

Question by Paula
Submitted on 3/5/2004

My cat just vomited blood and had a loose bowel movement with blood in it. I started putting a bowl of vinegar on the floor by the kitty litter box to control the odor. I think he may have drank some of the white vinegar. If he did, would it cause him to vomit blood or have blood in his stools?

Right below the question, was a box that purportedly allow just anyone to submit an answer to Paula – about what could be happening to her cat. It’s like an FAQ forum sort of thing, and one needs no registration to submit an answer. I showed Paula the light by replying this… anonymously…

your cat has testical cancer. Send him to the nearest oncologist for treatment. Alternately, you may also tie him with his balls pressed against an operating TV screen for 7 days and reinstall the Operating System in your PC.

That Paula must be a blond. If her cat is hurling and shitting out blood, the last thing she should ever do is to post a question on the internet and wait for answers. She should have fucking gone to the vet instead. (Maybe she did… I wouldn’t know.)

But whatever happens, everyone knows that you can always rely on one solution —
reinstall the Operating System in your PC. Ahaks.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
November 23, 2006

‘off’ in the head

Emily was deluged with shitloads of chores at her office this morning when her cellphone went off. Agitated by the untimely call, she answered it with a ‘it-better-be-an-important-call’ tone… It was Sweety on the line, as anxious as ever. Emily could have asked her to call back at another convenient time, but because she’s pregnant (yes, she finally did it), Emily had to give her the privilege of attention, lest that she might kill herself or something (you know knocked up ladies are usually a bit ‘off’ in the head)

Sweety : [alarmed tone] “Emily! I have to ask you something!”

Emily : “What is it?”

Sweety : “I remember you told me about Jane having diarrhea when she was pregnant, right?”

Emily : “Yeah, what about it?”

Sweety : “Well, I’m having it now!”

Long silence…

Emily : “Errrr… so?”

Sweety : “I’m having a diarrhea now!”

Emily : “Errr… am I suppose to do something about it?”

Sweety : “No. I am just calling to tell you that I’m having a diarrhea… that’s all.”

[click]

Emily : o_O”

When imbecility and psychosis combine, the end result can be fucking scary.

This story was relived by Emily on our way home from work today.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
November 22, 2006

memo : workplace decorations

I received this work memo in my mailbox today:

To : ‘Company X’ employees
From : ‘Company X’ Facilities Team
RE: Guidelines pertaining to Workplace decorations

As Christmas and New Year Celebrations are nearing, there are many employees will be eagerly wanting to put up Christmas and New Year decorations in and around the office space. Please take note there are a few guidelines that need to be adhered to. Attached with this email are 2 corporate guidelines for your reference [see below]. These guidelines for the workplace decorations and non-business equipment in the workplace are provided to all for your reference. Please be reminded that these are corporate guidelines and must be adhered to strictly. Non compliance will have these items removed from the office space and cubicles.

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to send your questions to [‘Company X’ Facilities email].

Once again lets work together towards a better working environment.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Regards,
‘Company X’ Facilities.

attachment:
THE ENFORCEMENT OF WORKPLACE DECORATION GUIDELINES IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ALL ‘COMPANY X’ MANAGERS.

Workplace decorations should NOT:
– Include decorative lighting (e.g. Christmas lights, neon signage, etc.).
– Include table lamps or other non-approved lamp and lighting fixtures.
– Emit noises or sounds that create distractions for co-workers or customers.
– Block thermostats, air conditioning vents, or light fixtures.
– Be hung from the windows, doors, hard wall surfaces, ceiling grid, light fixtures or sprinkler heads, either for promotional or personal reasons.
– Block or impede access to fire extinguishers or other life/safety equipment.
– Block aisles and corridors.
– Utilize any type of confetti.
– Utilize helium balloons.
– Utilize lit candles or open flames of any kind.
– Encroach or infringe upon those who choose not to participate.
– Extend vertically above employee workstations.
– Utilize adhesive tape or stickers on walls, columns, doors, windows or furniture.

Decorations used in celebrations or recognition should be promptly removed immediately following the event (for example; sales events, birthdays, etc). Only ‘Company X’ Facilities approved artwork is permitted to be displayed, mounted, hung or placed on hard wall surfaces including, but not limited to conference rooms, aisles, hallways, team rooms, labs and general common areas. Artwork includes framed and non-framed items including photography, poster art, prints, originals, banners or other visual paraphernalia for display purposes.

Employees should refrain from placing decorative items including flowers, plants, photographs and promotional items on top of systems furniture components such as overhead units and panel walls. Only ‘Company X’ related visual aids, such as ‘Campaign X’ or ‘Campaign Y’ pendants, should extend above the workstation. The display of department identification signage from the ceiling grid is acceptable. All signage must be approved and mounted by the Facilities department using Facilities approved hanging methods and hardware. Departments should submit a Facilities Service Request for this service.

Word count: more than 460 words.

I can do better than that. Here’s MichaelOoi.net’s way of conveying the same message :

To : ‘Company X’ employees
From : MichaelOoi.net
RE: Guidelines for Workplace decorations

Decorations are fucking prohibited. Period.

Regards,
MichaelOoi.net

Word count: less than 10

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 20, 2006

psychopath cow

I was frantically searching for a couple bricks of butter in haste at a local hypermart in my desperate bid to avoid the rush hour traffic. And boy, it sure is hard to look for something in particular when you’re in a hurry. After searching a few aisles down the vast hypermart floor, I finally found the dairy department… with a cow standing on 2 legs blocking off my view. o_O

Seriously…

I was initially locking my vision on a set of cute butt belonged to a hypermart chick who was stooping down to tag some milk cartons, when that obese shapeshifter started to flail her hands uncontrollably like that and was shouting at a little girl inside her cart, whom I reckon must be her daughter of 5? Yeah. That was how she piqued my attention, in a negative way. (ever since I became a parent, my sensitivity towards potential psychopaths has multiplied by a thousand folds – even when I’m not with my baby. Like, you’ll never know if anyone’s going to snap and start kidnapping babies or something).

So this shapeshifter full of organic fertilizer was kinda irascibly loud there. My intrinsic alarm went off, just like that face recognition thingy that we often see on CSI. Bitch alert… bitch alert. You know, if I were to be a dog? I would have leapt at her on compulsion and rip her fucking windpipe out. Just to give you the idea on how bad her vibes were. But I ain’t a dog… so, that didn’t happen. Instead, I plodded my steps carefully through the ample space left by her colossal ass on the aisle and went on with my business to get my butter.

But just as I was about half the journey past the grease planet, a rather shocking sight unfolded before my eyes. The bitch lifted her dimpled overgrown lardy arm and pounded hard onto the kid’s thigh. **WHOPPPP!!** That blow, I reckon, was hard enough to take out a small mammal if it were to be applied to the right spot on the skull. The poor girl immediately buried her face into her own arms and bleated silently, probably a move that she had been doing many times, to avoid more swatting from her psychotic mom. The bitch then lifted her up like a ragdoll, and tossed her onto the plastic toddler seat (you know, those that came prefixed on shopping carts?). The kid landed hard on her side and sprawled horizontally across on it. Had it been a little bit harder, the little girl would have fallen onto the ground and god knows what kind of injury she would have gotten.

From what I manage to gather, the kid was actually asking to be seated onto the plastic seat… but apparently, the mom wasn’t too happy about it.. and went ballistic. That’s how a simple request was translated into a full fledged violence in public. And that really got me wondering, what the fuck was she thinking. Firstly, she shouldn’t have brought along her kid, knowing that they’re nothing but a bunch of self centered noise maker. Secondly, she shouldn’t have taken a cart with a toddler seat on it. The fat bitch could have taken a regular cart, since she didn’t want her daughter to sit on a toddler seat. Thirdly, having taken a cart with a toddler seat, WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T SHE LET HER KID SIT ON IT???? I’m always a believer in effectiveness of corporal punishment, but this is way out of the ballpark. This is child abuse. And being all fucked up.

I was tempted to confront that violent mom, you know? Like tipping her over into the wedged fridge compartment? Then to REALLY rip out her windpipe with a brick of butter? But I decided not to… for following reasons:

1) It’s none of my business. I could have tried stopping the bitch from spanking her kids there and then, but it won’t be permanent (unless she’s dead – which would make that kid half an orphan – no good)

2) That was a big lady there. She’s like, the sea elephant of all cows. She could have possibly freaked even real full grown cows that moo, what more a puny human like me. It would be suicidal to provoke her – which would make my daughter half an orphan – no good.

3) I don’t like tampering around with the ecosystem. I believe the world exists in balance like a close looped chain. You remove one of the links, it’ll all go down like a deck of cards. Killing a cow is akin to removing a part of that important link. It’ll all go down and we all are gonna fucking die.

4) I forgot to wash my car last weekend.

Alright… those are just excuses if you couldn’t tell. I can make up a thousand of those. Part of me says that I could have done something about this. Maybe report to the authorities or something. But then, I just ain’t the type. I’m not Spiderman, or even that very kind uncle who smiles at everyone in the neighbourhood. I’ve been there and done that, and it bit me on the ass so hard, that I decided that it’ll be good for me to just be another regular person who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything. (Now, if you were to be in my shoes, what would you do?)

Right now, I can only hope the best for that girl, and the worst for that cow who hit her that day. A freak accident maybe, that somehow causes a plastic toddler chair to lodge inside her rectum… (cows have big rectum so it’s entirely possible)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 28 Comments