Archive for October, 2006

October 9, 2006

fengshui makeover

Remember those hideous fengshui thingamajigs inside my house? Well, they’re becoming less conspicuous now. Thanks to Regine, for she has been working on a project to give our home a … FENGSHUI MAKEOVER! Here are some of her works. Appreciate it, people. This is art.

These are auspicious fabrics woven from the pubic wools of 99 virgin snow yaks, hung at the weakest spot of our apartment to block the negative chi blown over from Indonesia by invisible cosmic winds…

These are no ordinary clothes hangers. These clothes hangers, have been blessed by 500 Tibetian monks at a clandestine ceremony, believed to be able to ward off evil spirits and reduce electrical overstress defects on electronic components. That’s why they’re all over my dining table, the very same table I use everyday to surf the internet and shits.

Holy elixirs of immortality and folded snow yak fabrics – strategically placed on the coffee table in the living room to absorb positive chi at the strongest intergalactic zodiac node in the 5th dimensional grid of our location. (and also reduce the radiation from the television)

The magic tree of tranquility. Embellished with paper lanterns and ancient meteorite orbs from the hanging temple of Toys’R’Us.

That’s the green caterpillar of the holy crib of Mufasa. Lying beside it, is the rag doll replica of the goddess of milk pukes and green shits. On the armrest, is a bottle of holy water to ward off evil spirits. And that white thing is just a diaper for that waving cat of fortune…. wait a minute… sorry, that’s Regine. Ahaks…

Gawddd… I’ve never felt so great before all these makeovers! **squealll!!**

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 17 Comments
October 5, 2006

dolt – take 5

The lab phone rang, and I answered it.

dolt : “Hello is this Milkboy?”

Me : “No. This is Michael.”

dolt : “Oh, may I speak to Milkboy please?”

Me : “I’m sorry he’s not in”

dolt : “Do you have his cellphone then?”

Me : “No. His cellphone is with him all the time. Most likely, inside his pocket”

dolt : [pauses for a couple seconds] “Ahahahks! Ok ok, thank you”

Me : [hangs up]

Whath the fucketh is wrongeth with these peopleth??

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
October 4, 2006

1000th post

This is my 1000th published entry. (Exact post count = 1192. 188 entries had either been deleted or taken down due to complaints from readers, violation of workplace etiquette, conflict of interests, etc, 4 entries are hidden)

Not sure if this is something that I should be proud of, but in a way, it’s telling me that I have been spending wayyy too much time sitting in front of the computer punching keys and has been as productive as a retarded paraplegic sloth.

And these wasted time, hundreds fucketh of hours of it, could have been used to do something better, like going to the gym to chisel up my increasingly doughy physique… or perhaps to volunteer myself for community services (eg. free breast examination for college students? Yeah…). But sadly… nevermind.

Anyway, I just would like to say a word of thanks to all of you who have been – as productive as a retarded paraplegic sloth – regularly visiting this site and read the craps that I had churned over these 39 months. Without you, I’m sure I would be just another beefcake in a gym providing pro-bono tits kneading services to college students. -_-

PS: Say, if you guys could tell me how did you first discover my blog, I’d want to be grateful to those who had pimped my site by putting them in my thoughts and links page. Thank you.

michaelooi  | site stuff  | 61 Comments
October 3, 2006

tomyam noodle

I was standing in front of a food counter at the cafeteria, waiting for my bowl of tomyam noodle to be prepared. It was the only counter there that morning. And in front of the counter, hung a crudely made sign, “TOMYAM MEE – RM 2.00″ (which literally translates to “Tomyam noodle – 2 bucks”)

A few blinks later, in came this lanky technician… let’s call him Ralph. Ralph walked over to where I was standing and greeted.

Ralph : “Hi Michael.”

Me : “Hi Ralph.”

He paused for a moment, then turned to look at my bowl of tomyam noodle, which was still being prepared by the shapeshifter kitchen helper, then turned back to me and said

Ralph : “So, you’re getting yourself a bowl of tomyam noodle?”

I briefly glanced at the “TOMYAM MEE – RM 2.00″ sign, before replying him

Me : “Yeah, I guess I am.” [look at the sign again]

He paused for a moment, then turned to look at my bowl of tomyam noodle, then turned back to me, and said

Ralph : “Tomyams can be very hot and spicy, do you know that?”

I paused for a moment, then turned to look at my hot and spicy bowl of tomyam noodle, then responded

Me : “Oh, ok. Thanks for letting me know.” [nods repeatedly…]

He then walked off, probably relishing the moment of what it must have felt like to be a smart person. Educated a degenerate engineer like me about culinary delights… how about that? Had he not told me that tomyams are hot and spicy, I probably would still be thinking that it tastes like tiramisu… Goddamn!

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
October 1, 2006

good riddance

Rod left the company for good last Friday. You know Rod? One of the key founders of The Animal Gang (you can read more about Rod and The Animal Gang here). No he wasn’t sacked by the management for incompetency or anything of that sorts. He actually RESIGNED himself from Company X.

Why?

According to the boss, he did it because he was offered a better position from another company. But I very much doubted that claim. I doubted that because that guy couldn’t even fucking hold a soldering iron. Why would anyone pay more to have a delinquent like him just to look stupid around the workplace? It doesn’t make any sense.

My take on his case is, he couldn’t undertake the new job function that has been assigned to him, that was why he resigned. All these while, he has been hiding behind his redundant post, sustaining it with loads of fawning and boot lickings. And when somebody in the management finally figured to redeem back some work off his hands, he got himself caught in a quagmire. Busted and trapped. Nowhere to run or hide. And finally, he had to do it. Leave the company. To a new host, to siphon off unsuspecting employers, just like a parasite.

To me, his departure is nothing more than a good riddance for the company. Though it may not make much of a difference with still so many more assholes around, but optimistically, you can think of it as… an asshole less for us abled people to fret about… and a good reason to celebrate. But of course, for diplomatic reasons, I didn’t make it apparent that I was elated about his departure. I had to act as if nothing happened… but deep inside, boy…I was glad that the motherfucker has finally been weeded out from the organization.

A couple hours before he checked out, Rod went around to shake everyone’s hands, including mine, and bade an emotional farewell. It was done with an expression as if he was going to board a kamikaze plane bound to some caves in Afghanistan to suicide-bomb the fuck out of some terrorists. I shrugged it off with a silent handshake and went on with my work. Then, 5 minutes later, I received an email from him, detailing a poignant speech (probably copied from the internet) that he appreciated all the guidance and supports bla bla bla.

He appreciated it, I regretted it. If only I can take back all the wasted time coaching him… those man hours could have been used for something more meaningful, like volunteering for some animal shelters… or go vigilante knocking down Mat Rempits for karma credits. Fuck, I hope our paths will never cross again in the future.

I didn’t read more than a couple sentences, and deleted the mail. I’ve got me some work to do and I could definitely do it better without people like him around. Good riddance indeed.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off