Archive for October, 2006

October 27, 2006

not a smart thing to do

I was confronting Mojo Jojo in the lab about something that he didn’t do, but should have done.

Me : “You know you should have brought that thing in here! What is wrong with you?? You better get them into this lab by either today or tomorrow…”

Mojo Jojo : “But I’m getting married tomorrow…”

Me : “What?? You’re getting married tomorrow?? Then what the fuck are you doing here at work today???”

Mojo Jojo : “It’s an engagement…”

Me : “You fuck! Getting engaged is different from getting married, ok?? Nobody gives a crap about fiancees, she can go fuck herself”

Mojo Jojo : “Heheehehh ok, I’ll try my best to get it done by today…”

Me : “You better, or else…”

Mojo Jojo : “or else she can go fuck herself, I won’t give a crap about her… heheh”

From the look of his seemingly lifeless Down Syndromish eyes, I could finally see a flicker of hope. There was a minute sign of slight intelligence in him… that guy finally managed to decipher a simple sentence and repeat after me! That was totally unprecedented! His IQ has roughly advanced to the level of a comatosed mongoose…

So as you can see, even Mojo Jojo can understand this simple fact – getting engaged is not a smart thing to do (though he already did it prior the enlightenment, but repentance is better than nothing).

I don’t understand why do people get engaged. To me, an engagement is nothing more than a gimmick by unscrupulous businessmen to bilk you stupid people off your hard earned money. Why can’t everyone just get married straight away? What’s wrong with that? Why waste the money on some pointless engagement? It’s like… making a non-refundable deposit for a long term relationship… using money to buy time to kill the ambiguity. Those money could have been used for a better cause like getting yourself a bigger apartment, or perhaps a better set of rain tires for your ride. An extra engagement ring would only be redundant, nothing else.

Senseless things that people do for a relationship… what the fuck indeed.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
October 26, 2006

wrong people at the right place

What do you get when you cross a bunch of ignoramuses with another bunch of shitfucks in an overdue celebration of Deepavali? You get a fat mess of public nuisance and annoyances that stink. That’s what you get. And it happened right here inside my apartment compound. Fire in the hole.

Last night, I had to yell from my balcony at a bunch of Indian kids playing with loud firecrackers at an ungodly hour. Those obnoxious Indian kids of my neighbors’, from that belated late night open house party. They’ve been bombing up the neighborhood for days. Those kids won’t light them firecrackers during daytime, and they won’t do it when the nights are young. But they’d only do it when my infant daughter has gone to bed and everyone’s getting a good rest for work on the next day. Bunch of motherfucking degenerates.

I really don’t understand what is wrong with these people. I thought Deepavali is suppose to be ‘the festival of light’? But last night, it was more like ‘the festival of light, explosions and toxic smoke’ (you should see the amount of smoke wafting into my apartment, it’s un-fucking-believable). The most intriguing of all, would be the question on WHY did they do it inside the apartment compound… Why didn’t they just go somewhere else to do their detestable undertakings? Like a rubber plantation or something?

That’s why I had to yell at them. Call me a party pooper or a spoilsport, but I’m not the type who believes that having your own celebration warrants you the right to be irrational and insensitive to others. You can drink till your liver ruptures or you can organize an orgy with your relatives, nobody cares. But you don’t just light up some explosive shits right in front of your neighbors’ windows and expect them to fucking share your joyous Deepavalic moment. You’d be a retard if you think that anyone would be feeling jovial about that. (hell, it’s not even LEGAL to light up a firecracker!)

Man, this is really getting into me. These inter-neighbors relation thing, just isn’t my kind of game. To me, they’re more like reasons for me to become a misanthrope. The whole thing’s a negative experience for me. I don’t like it at all.

Maybe I was destined to live in a bungalow. Isolated in my own piece of land, without having to contend with fucked up people. I’d rear a few mean ass dogs to keep visitors away and I’m going to be all peaceful at my own home. If only I could afford that kind of luxury…

Either that, or I’m gonna have to consider dwelling in some jungles with wild animals. But there would be no guarantee if the animals are going to behave better than my neighbors… (but at least I know they won’t fucking light up any firecrackers…)

michaelooi  | rantings  | 14 Comments
October 23, 2006

bank officer lashing therapy

*long post, don’t bitch*

I was crudely awakened from my afternoon nap by a phone call. It was a guy who claimed that he was a property valuer of some sort and was sent by the bank yadda yadda yadda. I was still groggy from the sleep and couldn’t make out much of the stuffs he said. So I just babbled something incoherent just to confuse that guy. The guy then requested for a convenient time so that he could drop by to take some photographs of my apartment. (which then, I realized that it was about the homeloan refinancing thingy that both Emily and I have been dealing with recently…)

That was when I woke up and went “Whoaaa wait a minute”. Like, how come I wasn’t informed about such arrangement by the bank before? What if this whole thing’s a gyp and that ‘valuer’ turns out to be some sex deprived terrorist who’s gonna ass rape me and my furniture? I didn’t like it at all. So I requested the valuer, to ask the bank to call me instead. Just as an assurance that the whole deal’s for real. (you can’t be too careful nowadays)

5 minutes later, the mortgage guy from the bank called. Let’s call him Spark (after my colleague’s dog) for convenience’ sake. A little background description about Spark – he’s an asshole. A quick talking lanky dude who sports a geeky look with zits scattered all over his face. Prior signing our loan agreement, he had been a servile professional with 5 star services. But after we signed the agreement, he sort of… disappeared. Emily called Spark last week to check on the status, and she was lashed with a rather sarcastic remark from him – that he didn’t update us on the progress because there hadn’t been any progress. Like I said, he’s an asshole.

Now, back to Spark’s phone call. I was still very riled up about my unsuccessful attempt to get a decent nap. Suffice to say, he called in at a very wrong time. When I answered the phone, Spark purged me a long ass spiel about the whole deal, which again, I tried to hearken but with no success. I had to cut him short by stopping him halfway, got myself together and asked him this

Me : “So what do you guys want? Why haven’t we been told about this before?”

Spark : “No I’ve already told you about this before bla bla bla” [my attention starts to fade…]

Me : “No, Spark. You didn’t inform me. I’m very sure about this.”

Spark : “I’ve told your missus when I explained about the policy bla bla bla” [my attention fades again… he spoke too fast…]

He might have told Emily about this. But I’m not surprised if Emily didn’t hear him. This guy’s like a verbal minigun. I could hardly catch his words.

Me : “No. No, Spark. We wouldn’t have asked you to call if we’re aware about this. Anyway, what is this all about?”

Spark : “Mr.Ooi, I’m very sure I’ve already told your missus about this. The valuer is not here to ask for money and you don’t have to pay anything for this…”

I snapped. Spark made 3 big mistakes.

1) He failed to realize that the customer’s always right. I’m his customer. If I said he didn’t do something, he should apologize and do it. The key thing is, apologize and move on.

2) He made a sarcastic remark. Never be sarcastic to your customer. Never bite the hand that feeds you. And the issue is very evidently clear, that it wasn’t all about money. It’s about uninformed arrangements.

3) He addressed me wrongly. I don’t like to be addressed as Mr.Ooi. It makes me feel old. He could have called me brother, or messiah, I don’t fucking care.

I lost my head and started to berate him like a madman. I don’t quite remember what I shouted on the phone but, I could telepathically sense through that headset that he was bewildered about my sudden display of hostility towards him. At one point of the highly charged verbal castigation, he tried to justify his undoings:

Spark : “But I really did tell your missus about this before and…”

Me : “Look Spark. Those are verbal. You can’t expect everyone to remember everything you said. Especially when you always speak so fast and so eloquent, so goddamn intelligent like that. What I ask from you, is that.. you could have informed us on anything in advance… is that so hard to expect from you?”

Spark : “I apologize Mr.Ooi, I didn’t mean to…”

Me : “It doesn’t matter anymore. It won’t change the fact that I don’t like you. And your smart ass sarcastic ‘money’ remark. You do know what ‘sarcastic’ means, right?”

Spark : “Yes I do…”

Me : “Good! Well, I don’t appreciate it at all. You be careful with what you say next time, you hear me? Or I’m gonna cancel the refinancing.”

And he kept apologizing after that, and I kept clobbering him with words that he probably never heard in his life before. And when everything was cooled down enough, he made a little request:

Spark : “Errmm Mr.Ooi, I also need to highlight something about your quit rent. If it’s not too inconvenient for you, would you please get us a copy with the management stamp on it, or do you prefer me to do it for you?”

The hell I know what the fuck is a ‘quit rent’.

Me : “You see… Spark, I have a baby at home, and I’m a very very busy guy. Just like you, Spark. The only difference is, you’re busy serving your customers’ asses and I’m busy serving my baby’s ass. You got me?”

Spark : “I understand, Mr.Ooi. I’ll do it myself”

Yeah, I’m his customer, he should serve my ass. That’s why he was hired by the bank in the first place.

You see, people. It only takes some common sense to do your work sometimes. Had Spark used a little bit of his, he would have saved himself some scoldings from an unscrupulous client like me. (you guys should do this sometimes, it’s really fun trashing up bank officers… therapeutic too)

He later thanked me for the ‘feedbacks’ and fucked off.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
October 20, 2006

‘4’ meme

Tagged by Olivia.

4 things many don’t know:
– I once had a superficial blog as a girl before. got quite popular but was terminated due to laziness factor.
– I had a homepage before blogging (wrote several articles there).
– I was circumcised when I was 11. TWICE.
– I can swim using only 1 limb. Any limb.

4 movies I could watch over and over:
– Saving Private Ryan (watched it more than 5 times)
– Once Upon A Time In China trilogies (more than 5 times for each of them)
– Ronin (more than 5 times)
– the original Evil Dead by Sam Raimi (countless of times – but lost the DVD)

4 places where I’ve lived:
– Georgetown, Penang (1977 – 1980)
– Queenstown, Singapore. (1980 – 1983)
– Rifle Range, Penang (1983 – 1990)
– Air Itam, Penang (1990 – 1999)
read more about them – here

4 TV shows I love:
– The Simpsons
– Everybody Loves Raymond
– Malcolm in the Middle
– Whose Line Is It Anyway

4 places i’ve been for vacation:
– Austin, Texas (business trip, but i ventured)
– Hong Kong, SAR
– Beijing, China
– the whole of Singapore

4 of my favorite food:
from my previous meme
– Sour Vegetable Stew
– Any Curry
– Salty vegetable soup
– Tomyam with big ass shrimps

4 places i would rather be:
– I like Austin, I’ve always fancied moving there.
– Phuket island, no shit, it’s one of the best places on Earth I’d rather be…
– I’ve always liked somewhere cold. The weather in London’s my cup of tea.
– Penang… for the food. where else?

4 favorite songs:
– Last Christmas by Wham! (yeah I know… corny… fuck you!)
– Careless Whisper by George Michael (I’ve been singing to this tune since I was 7)
– Love So Right by Bee Gees (oh god… I’d dig anything by Bee Gees… well, most of it)
– Don’t Look Back In Anger by Oasis (brings back memories. From ‘What’s the story morning glory’ album. Lost the CD in a car break-in a few years ago…)

4 others I wanna tag:
Ok, the 4 latest visitors (with a blog) who commented in
Unladen Swallow

Guys, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to… it’s just a meme. Happy holidays.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off

mind your own business

I was trapped inside a traffic jam for almost 2 hours on the way home from work on Thursday. I had to use the word ‘trapped’ because there’s nothing I could do about it… like taking a detour or something. That’s because it is the only way home for me – the Penang Bridge. The Penang fucking Bridge. What’s worst of all, my bladder’s at the verge of exploding, having forgotten to drain it before the trip. It was tormenting.

So what happened that day? A ‘4-car-pile-up’ at the middle span of the bridge. Apparently, some asshole lost control of his/her vehicle and got smoked up pretty bad. The whole thing wasn’t supposed to be that wretched, since the wrecks had been moved to the emergency lane much earlier on to make way for the traffic, but thanks to our ever nosy Malaysian drivers, almost every fucking one of them who drove past the wreckage had to slow down to a halt to quench their curiosity… and that’s how we got ourselves to a standstill traffic situation.

I happened to ‘meet’ one of those nosy dimwits in front of me when I was driving past the wreck. It was a heavily modified car, inside it was a pack of young Indian blokes. And they actually slowed down enough to make a cow look fast, just to gawk at the wreckage. I could see them making a lot of gestured commentaries inside their car… probably commenting on the resemblance of their faces to the mangled vehicles. Feeling frustrated and desperate (my bloated bladder, remember?), I gave them a few short burst of honks, you know, to urge them to move on already. The driver swerved his vehicle to the side and petulantly waved for me to get past his car. I didn’t hesitate, of course. Our eyes met when I did the overtaking, and spotted him giving me this scornful look as if I have stolen his grandma’s muruku. That was when I decided to clear the misunderstanding by flipping him a bird. I hope his pet dog dies before Deepavali.

So, as you can see, it’s all about our attitude, people. By slowing down to gawk at an accident, you’re creating a ripple in the traffic, which affects everything else that are connected to it. Important schedules had to be postphoned. Gallons of gasoline wasted. Thousands of prostates affected (eg. mine). Fuckloads of carbon monoxide emitted. And worst of all, you’re probably contributing to the unnecessary congestion that might impede the arrival of the ambulance to save some lives (of that accident). It’s bad enough to have an accident slowing down the traffic, don’t make it any worse by slowing it down even more.

Just mind your own business, and move the fuck on. (my lizard was drained exactly 2 hours later, and it took me over 1 minute to completely stop its gushing rampage)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | Comments Off