I was carrying Regine on her mobile car seat across our apartment carpark with Emily, when a heap pulled up beside us. Its driver side window was rolled down, and there was a middle aged Malay bloke hanging his right arm out of it. He had a very unkempt outlook and one of his eyes was lopsided (probably a scar or something), and I was absolutely positive that I haven’t seen this guy in the neighbourhood before.

He then pointed at Regine, and asked…

“New baby?”

I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as a ‘new baby’, ‘old baby’ or even a ‘used baby’ in this world. Since I’m sure I didn’t buy Regine off a fleamarket, I would just assume that she’s new. So I answered

“Yeah.”

It was replied with a faked smile to paint an impression that I’m an incredibly friendly person. Then to our sheer befuddlement, the guy exclaimed excitedly

“Congratulations!”

It was uttered with a smile even faker than mine. Emily and I were like, totally, dumbfucked by his overly unctuous behaviour. Being a mild mannered couple that we are (ahem), we just thanked him like he had just bestowed us the blessing for having a lifetime’s worth of multi-orgasm, and we quickly bolted off into the elevator foyer.

I don’t know what’s with that guy, maybe he’s trying to be friendly. Maybe he’s just a lonely old fart who’s looking for someone to talk to. But whatever he was to be, it didn’t go down very well on us. What he did can be best described as ‘freakish’, at least to our impressions.

Like, there are certain ways to chat up with strangers and make them comfortable at the same time. You don’t just walk up to anyone and express your delirium about their child (or worse, touch them…). It’s just not very… natural. You’ll freak people out more than the intended goodwill. Especially at times like this where crimes are rife and our national police force are worrying about who should pay for their emergency number bills.

You can never be too careful especially when dealing with strangers.

I’d say, if you want to be friendly, just give a nod and smile, then leave it to the other person to reciprocate. (And stay the fuck out from his/her child.)

… now you guys know why I kept stifling off appointments…

This is a meme. In case you didn’t know. Got tagged by Angeleyes.

I was kinda parochial when it comes to food …as I’ve never really been to a lot of places in my life. I’ve never been to Europe. I’ve never been to Africa. Hell, I’ve never even been to my neighbour’s house next door. Maybe it would have made a difference if I did. I probably would have loved some food that I’ve yet to discover. Like maybe an antelope’s ass or something.

So, I’ll take this meme as ‘what I would like to eat’ before I die instead. I’m gonna cite my favourite food generally, instead of something specifically from any particular place…

1. Sour Vegetable Stew
More commonly known as ‘choy keok’ in Cantonese (means ‘vegetable leftovers’ or something). Usually prepared by mixing leftover dishes into one big pot and stew together with tamarind + mustard cabbage. The result would be a pot full of aromatic food and nicely stewed sourish mustard cabbage… [droollll]

A very popular cuisin amongst the Chinese especially during Chinese New Year where leftovers are abundant and too good to go to waste. It is once said, that a Chinese emperor who ate this stew (introduced to him by a beggar who scrounged the leftovers from a restaurant) liked it so much that he actually made it into one of the royal food or something.

My no.1 favourite of all time. I’d definitely want to have a bowl of ‘choy keok’ before I die… Hell, I would even die to have a pot of it! (has to be desperate enough…)

2. Any Curry
I can’t live without curry. I don’t know why. I like curry so much, that I’m willing to kill a dog for it. (of course, I’ve never killed a dog before. It was only used to intensify my absolute love of it). I’m like, a Chinese with Indian tastebuds. Give me curry everyday and I’ll live forever. I remember when I was 17, when I had to do 3 years of night time engineering and money was tight, I used to eat my rice everyday with only okra beans and loads of curry (would only cost me less than a buck).

Void me of curry long enough, and I will die automatically. Can’t live without them (definitely, would like to have some of it before I die…)

3. Salty vegetable soup
Soup boiled with salt-pickled vegetable (usually mustard cabbage), duck meat and tofu. It’s so fucking ecstatic and good, that I get virtual orgasm slurping it, then shake violently like I’m having a seizure, jackoff, ejaculate all over the table, headbang a little bit and scream out loud YEAH BEBEH and start all over again.

Oh my fucking god I so fucking love this soouuuppp !!!!!! I DEFINITELY WANTTTT TO HAVE A BOWL (or a pot) OF IT BEFORE I DIEEEEE!!!!

4. Tomyam with big ass shrimps
A good tomyam that is. Some of our locally made tomyam are too greasy and void of it’s distinct Thai spicy taste. There are actually a few types of tomyam. The ones that I know, are red and white tomyam. Red are the ones cooked with red chilli and the white ones are cooked with green chilli (very hot). I equally love both.

I’ve had some of the greatest tomyam before at Thailand, and it gives me the same ecstatic feel like that ‘Salty vegetable soup’ mentioned above.

(as you probably would have noticed by now, I’m a ’spicy and sour’ kind of person…).

5. (I somehow couldn’t get myself to name the fifth one, so I chose a cup of cappucino instead) Cappucino
While I’m heaving my last breath after eating all of the awesome food above, I’d definitely like to wash everything down with a nice cup of fucking hot cappucino. The feeling of that warm coffee flowing through your throat can be both therapeutic and ecstatic (did I overuse this word?) at the same time. Aaaahhhhh….

******

As you can tell from my choice of food, I’m just a simple guy with a penchant for simple things. It takes only very little to satisfy me… but it has got to be the right stuff.

Cheers, people.. and have a nice evening.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a chick in office attire.
- 5 ft 7 - 5 ft 9
- late 20’s
- Executive level workforce

Problem statement
Improperly aligned attire may rouse unwanted public attention.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)
Jason (Optical Specialist - special division)

Observation
- Subject was a taller than average working class female.
- The team unanimously concurred that the subject has a rather fair complexion
- Attire was best described as ‘decent’, consist of a typical button up office-wear blouse and a brown knee length denim tight skirt.
- The denim skirt appears to be laterally misaligned, approximately 45 degrees out of sync from the original position.
- The misalignment was apparent enough for any third party observer to notice - that 2 of the skirt pockets that were supposed to be located on each of the subject’s hind cheeks, were offset to the side of the subject’s left hip and center of the derriere. (refer illustration below)

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The misalignment could have occurred :
a) …when subject was donning the denim skirt - Subject could be in the state of stress (eg. late for work, boyfriend refuse to copulate, drifted concentration, etc) when donning the afore mentioned denim skirt, which in turn, could have inadvertently resulted the original blunder.
b) …after the denim skirt was being donned - Originally, it was properly aligned, but however, due to unforseen circumstances, the skirt sort of shifted by itself and caused the misalignment. This could be due to the unmatching size of the garment (too loose, lack of retention force, etc).

- That improperly aligned skirt may potentially aggravate a seemingly harmless situation into a life threatening emergency condition.
- A possible scenario would be a race to the restroom to purge an exploding diarrhea, where the misaligned skirt might cost the subject a few precious microseconds to unnecessarily fumble for her displaced zipper/button to undone the whole article.
- The tardy response in turn could soil her underwear, which if it were to be worn into the office, its malodor might cause latent ill effects to her co-workers. Potential symptoms may include nausea, loss of appetite, accelerated asthmatic attack, malaria, ebola, ruptured uterus (for females), impotence (for males) and even nostril cancer.

Corrective Action(s)
- Unlike a 2 pronged pants, a skirt is tubularly hollow inside. Hence, it is quite difficult for one to notice if she has worn the skirt in the wrong direction, especially if it were to be done in a state of hurry and in condition where lighting is scarce.
- Based on this understanding, the team had concurred that it is imperative for a skirt to be designed in such a way that the person who wears it will be able to differentiate the correct positioning even when it’s in the dark (and conspicuous enough for the person to see).

Proposed solutions:
a) Using technology (expensive)
The skirt has to have its own positioning system. Such can be achieved by attaching a battery powered bluetooth beacon on the front side of the skirt and another reference beacon to be placed on the subject’s head (can be worn like a hat/cap/mask).
The reference beacon on subject’s head will be used to triangulate the position of the skirt beacon. The data obtained will be made to go through a comparison algorithm preset inside the reference beacon, as such that if both the beacons are not in line or pointing to the same direction, the reference beacon will electronically activate an alarm (or perhaps deliver an electric shock) to alert the subject that the skirt is not properly aligned.

b) Using wits (cheaper alternative)
Subject can purchase those glow-in-the-dark plastic letterings, and stick following phrase to the front side of the skirt - “PUBE SIDE”. And following phrase to the rear side of the skirt - “ASS SIDE”. This solution requires subject to look at her skirt from time to time to be effective.

End of report
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

I was busy coordinating something important in front of my computer (torrent downloads, games, etc) when I was confronted by Emily…

Emily : “Aren’t you going to wash your car today?”

Me : “Nope.” [continues to click around]

Emily : “Why?”

Me : “Don’t feel like doing it.” [more clickings]

Emily : “You’ve been sitting on that chair for the past 3 days… you needed the exercise…”

Me : “No I don’t.” [click click click]

Emily : “If you sit too much, your ass is going to grow bigger and bigger…”

Me : “I’m not concerned. I don’t need an ass to impress someone. In fact, I don’t need ANYTHING to impress ANYONE. I already have you… I already have Regine… my life’s already fulfilled. There’s nothing left for me to impress. I just don’t give a crap no more.” [click click]

Emily : “You needed to the exercise NOT to impress someone. You needed it for your own health. Ok?”

Me : “I’m already healthy.” [click click]

The point is, I’m already post the age where I need to be concerned about my own looks. 10 years ago, perhaps. But definitely not now.

At this stage of my life, it takes something even deeper than just looks to control the raging bull… if you know what I mean…

*****

And oh, it’s sad to learn about the death of Steve Irwin ‘The Crocodile Hunter’. He has always been my favourite Australian. Kinda ironic for a person who had such a passion for animals… only to be killed by one. Told you people we should’ve fucking left them animals alone… They won’t appreciate what you’ve done for them.