September 27, 2006

who’s on the line pleassssse~?

Our house phone rang at an unexpected hour in the night. I picked it up and there was this prissy female voice on the other side.

prissy caller : “Hellloooo~~ May I speak to Emily pleassssse~?”

Her lascivious voice reminded me very much of that Popeye’s wife – Olive – which made me feel like punching her face. I totally did not like it at all.

Me : “Oh~~~ May I know who’s on the line pleassssse~?”

I replied with an exaggerated impersonation of her mushy tone… in full hope that it would give her an idea that she ought to die than to live with that kind of fucked up voice for the rest of her life.

prissy caller : “~I am her friend~~~”

Yeah, the hell I couldn’t figure that out. I was asking for her identity, and she fucking told me that she’s Emily’s friend. I wonder why she didn’t just tell me that she has a labia that resembled a dehydrated leech… it would have been as irrelevant.

Me : “~~Of course I know you’re her friend~~~lady. But would you care to tell me your name?~~~”

And in a sick and disgusting high pitched tone, she smarmily told me her name

prissy caller : “~I am Hui Chern~”

I got Emily to answer the call, thinking that it must be one of her weird friends that sings to plants. But it wasn’t. In fact, that Hui Chern wasn’t even her ‘friend’ at all. She is actually a pesky direct sales freak that was introduced by a relative many months back. We had shunned her off many times before, but she kept coming back to pester Emily to buy one of her traditional Chinese supplement products that seem to be able to resurrect anyone from death.

Fuck.

I was thinking, why couldn’t she just identify herself as “Hui Chern – the annoying direct-salesperson from hell” on the phone? Why did she have to deceive me that she’s my wife’s ‘friend’ just so that I’d get her to answer the fucking phone? Was that even ethical?

Maybe somebody should come up with a domestic version of those interactive answering machine thingy, you know… just like those that they have for telebankings? (I don’t know what they’re called…)

Imagine if Hui Chern the annoying direct salesperson from hell were to call and hit a snag with our machine…

“To speak in English, press 1. To speak in BeeEm, press 2. To speak in Telegu, press 3. Others, press 4.”
1…
“If you’re a relative, press 1. If you’re a friend, press 2. Others, press 3.”
2…
“For well being inquiries and regards, press 1. For helps and favors, press 2. For blank chats, press 3. Others, press 4.”
3…
“If you would like to speak to Michael, press 1. If you would like to speak to Emily, press 2.”
2…
“Please key in your 6 digit pin number, otherwise, fuck off.”
$%^&*()

Yeah, maybe we should have that kind of thing around…

michaelooi  | rantings  | 

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