September 20, 2006

ISO 9000

1.0 Purpose and Scope.
1.1. This document defines the basic copulatory process between 2 individuals of the opposite sex.
1.2. The procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1. Kamasutra (for advanced techniques)

3.0 Definition
3.1. Vagina – A cave-like sex organ of a female gender. Usually dry but would secrete shitloads of organic lubricant when excited/provoked.
3.2. Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but would erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked.
3.3. Coitus – The process of inserting an erected penis into a lubed (naturally/unnaturally) vagina, and pound repeatedly for sheer carnal pleasure; sexual intercourse.
3.4. Orgasm – The condition of going into temporary unconsciousness (black out) and at the same time, experience the illusion of ascending to heaven at the peak of a copulation act.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1. The male is responsible to get consent from the female partner to participate in the sexual intercourse.
4.2. The female is responsible to review any advances from the male that may implicate a desire for an intercourse, and decide whether to accept the offer.
4.3. The male is responsible for any side effects that may occur after the coitus.
4.4. The male, however, is NOT solely responsible to decide the suitable location to perform the intended coitus.
4.5. The female is responsible to bring the male a can/glass/bottle of cold beer (if available) when requested.

5.0 Procedure
5.1. The male shall begin the process by engaging in various foreplay acts (refer 5.2) with the female partner to:
    a) arouse the female partner and get her vagina to lube itself up (refer 3.1)
    b) arouse himself and get his penis to erect (refer 3.2)
5.2. Foreplay acts shall include, but not limited to
    5.2.1 Kissing on the mouth
    5.2.2 Penis stimulation by the female mouth, or vice versa, female mouth stimulation by the penis…
    5.2.3 Kneading and caressing the tits
    5.2.4 Licking and sucking the nipples
    5.2.5 Cunnilingus (not recommended for individuals with Ichthyophobia)
    5.2.6 Testical stimulation by the female hand, or vice versa, female hand stimulation by the testical…
5.3. The male shall continue to engage the series of foreplay acts until he receives the redflag indicator, which can be identified as following:
    5.3.1 The female starts to moan like a wildebeest.
    5.3.2 The female starts to repeatedly yell unintelligible single syllable exclamations (eg. YESS YESS OHH)
    5.3.3 There’s an overflow of liquid gushing out of the female’s vagina.
    5.3.4 The penis head is swelling up to almost the size of an automobile gear knob.
5.4. Contraception.
    5.4.1 If contraception is not intended, continue to 5.5
    5.4.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it with one hand
    5.4.3 Use the other free hand to continue stimulate female partner, lest she’ll lose the heat and abandon sex.
    5.4.4 Or alternatively, the male can request the female to help him wear the condom orally
    5.4.5 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else have to start back at 5.1.
5.5. The male shall then insert his erected penis into the vagina, apply some pressure in the upwards position (touching the clitoris), and repeatedly ram partner in the forward direction.
5.6. The male shall continue to ram partner until his penis ejaculates.
5.7. Impromptu contraception (if 5.4 is skipped)
    5.6.1 The male shall pull out his penis from the vagina at the culmination of the coitus,
    5.6.2 Semen shall then be ejaculated onto the female partner’s body (instead of her vagina).
5.8. The male shall then moan out loud, settle down and perform either one of the following
    a) wash penis and retire to sleep
    b) wash penis and grab a beer (refer 4.5)
    c) wash penis and light a cigarette to promote lung cancer
    d) wash penis, dress up and leave
    e) wash penis and wash it again.

6.0 Forms and Checklist
NIL

7.0 Records/Data and Retention Period
Not necessary.

*****
I think this could be the first ever ISO 9000 procedure to have ever been documented for sexual intercourse… I wrote it just for fun (who knows, some virgin nerds might find this useful? They’re going to get their first pork ISO certified… no shit)

If you guys have anything else to add to the procedure, just let me know. I’ll add them in if they’re good… cheers.

*****
Update: Added 5.2.6 and 5.4.4

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 

28 Comments to “ISO 9000”

  1. titoki says:

    OMFG!

    So how many months already have you not perform any coitus since Regine was conceived?

    LOL!!!

  2. Dr. Tan says:

    This is what-the-fuck-able.

  3. seremban test engineer says:

    Wah….what are the benefits of this certification?
    Cool…..

  4. strawroot says:

    wwhhaha thats funny
    thanks for enlightening me? :p

  5. Nicevil says:

    What the hell !!

    Very detailed indeed.

    But if you want it to be really useful for virgin nerds, you to add a little more for virgin couples.

    You wrote “repeatedly ram the partner in the forward direction.”

    That may be too rough for a first-time-getting-screwed-female.

    Should take it slow.. and steady.. and accelerate from there ?

    I don’t know, I don’t have have a vagina. I don’t think I am qualified to give any recommendations.

    To those matured women out there that has the boobs to respond to this post, please do. :)

  6. tyra says:

    speechless :)

  7. Arkane says:

    Disagree with the clause:

    5.1b) arouse himself and get his penis to erect (refer 3.2)

    Proposed ammendment to this clause:

    “The male shalt lie perfectly still while the female performs fellatio, or any equivalent act thereof, that results in an influx of blood into the capillaries of the penis (refer 3.2) with the purpose of achieving penile erection. The act of fellatio shalt preferably be accompanied by the caressing of any part of the male anatomy deemed sexually stimulative as advised by the male subject.”

  8. michaelooi says:

    titoki – Please, hairy one, I’m still a virgin, ok?

    dr.tan – ?

    seremban engineer – Quality control, my friend. Quality controllll….

    strawroot – So you’re indirectly implying to all of us that you’re still a virgin? So am I~!

    nicevil – Well, once a girl experiences penetration, they sure would want it hard, bebeh… rough and hard. Like an animal, *growl*

    tyra – *wink*

    arkane – Dude, fellatio’s covered in 5.2.2. And from your suggestion, I can see that you’re a person who likes your female partner to take the protagonist role, ya? Heheheh… Bull riding girls…

  9. Arkane says:

    Actually Mike, my proposal has nothing to do with my sexual preferences. I only believe in sexual equality. Since your statement 5.1a) suggests male to female stimulation, therefore there has to be a clause for the reverse effect. You know, male and female balance, yin and yang, dark and light….etc.

  10. hmmmm… maybe you can enhance step 5.4.2

    Instead of wearing the condom by the user themself… maybe they can ask the opposite to wear it using the mouth…

    heheheheheheh… some suggestion on process improvement… hahahahahaha

  11. seremban test engineer says:

    Ok..Ok….is ISO…ya ISO…..I almost forget..

  12. winson says:

    Hehe, then the ISO auditor’s job would not be that boring after all..

  13. Silencers says:

    You forgot to suggest other optional procedures and standards e.g. pounding rate, noise level to population density ratio, duration of coitus, and procedures to coerce multiple orgasm in the female, among others.

    Don’t leave them in the dark about those!

  14. michaelooi says:

    arkane – I can understand that… I’ll add in something for the guys. Thanks.

    william – Ah, the cool old trick. Ok, I’ll squeeze in something about that.

    seremban engineer – Yes maaa…

    winson – Their job WAS NEVER boring! (all the lunches and dinners! It’s my DREAM JOB!)

    silencers – Dude, if I were to cover all that, I can write a BOOK! Aisehman!

  15. tihtahpah says:

    8.0 Continuous Improvement: Review and analysis on 6 months performance. To set a target/key performance index as a benchmark- 3 orgasms per session or longer sustainability :)

  16. Philips says:

    NCR !! NCR issued !!

  17. Silencers says:

    If you publish it, I’ll buy the damn book, man. I’ll even print out posters and paste ‘em all over MMU, LOL.

  18. bongkersz says:

    i am enlightened now! :D

  19. michaelooi says:

    titahpah – Dude, that should only be used for reviewing close loop corrective actions. This ain’t a corrective action for a mistake. It’s about the ‘right’ stuffs…

    phillips – hahah… fall off the bed and got knocked out…

    silencers – Kan dah ada Kamasutra… buat apa I mencipta roda lagi?

    bongkersz – Should you ever need a demo, just send in a virgin.

  20. Arkane says:

    Propose to add the following

    5.9 The female shall then proceed to either one or more of the following:
    a) Clean up any excess of bodily fluids (ref 5.3.3)
    b) Continue to caress / lick / nibble / tease the male subject on any part(s) deemed sexually stimulative. If erection of the male penis is achieved again within the next 30 minutes, repeat process from step 5.2.
    c) Otherwise, get the male subject an alcoholic beverage or any equivalent thereof to facilitate the enjoyment of the afterglow of orgasm.

  21. michaelooi says:

    hahahh duuuuuuude! You’re an animal!

  22. bongkersz says:

    request for graphical explanations, to make it clear for those who not well educated about their own anatomy :D

  23. FireAngel says:

    What about changing positions?!?!?

  24. michaelooi says:

    bongkersz – dude, you’re having a biggggg problem if you needed a picture to tell you how to fuck a partner… (anyways, there are porns on the internet, i suppose you know how to find them… *wink)

    fireangel – Sekiranya saudari tengok perenggan pertama dalam dokumen diatas, namanya 1.1, adalah dinyatakan bahawa prosedur tersebut hanya merangkumi pengongkekan yang asas sahaja. Ia tidak termasuk stail pengongkekan yang dianggap eksotik (misalnya, stail ‘lembu tua membajak sawah’ ataupun ‘anjing miang mengisar mesin kelapa’).

  25. Primrose says:

    Still a virgin where? Up the a** ah? Hehe!
    Come up with 2.1 soon. Stail lembu tua membajak sawah betapa memikat hati.

  26. Ray says:

    LMAO. Dude, your Malay language isn’t bad at all.

  27. bongkersz says:

    er, graphical explanation for those who need. I don’t. bwahahaha! your bee-em really fantastic haha! anjing miang mengisar mesin kelapa lol lol lol..

  28. FireAngel says:

    oh yeah hor. silly FA. NEVER READ THINGS PROPERLY what a jackass. *quietly hides in dark corner*

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