September 5, 2006

alignment issues

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
– a chick in office attire.
– 5 ft 7 – 5 ft 9
– late 20’s
– Executive level workforce

Problem statement
Improperly aligned attire may rouse unwanted public attention.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)
Jason (Optical Specialist – special division)

Observation
– Subject is a taller than average working class female.
– The team unanimously concur that the subject has a rather fair complexion
– Attire is best described as ‘decent’, consists of a typical button up office-wear blouse and a brown knee length denim tight skirt.
– The denim skirt appears to be laterally misaligned, approximately 45 degrees out of sync from the original position.
– The misalignment is apparent enough for any third party observer to notice – that 2 of the skirt pockets that are supposed to be located on each of the subject’s hind cheeks, are offset to the side of the subject’s left hip and center of the derriere. (refer illustration below)

Analysis & Risk assessment
– The misalignment could have occurred :
a) …when subject was donning the denim skirt – Subject could be in the state of stress (eg. late for work, boyfriend refused to copulate, drifted concentration, etc) when donning the afore mentioned denim skirt, which in turn, could have inadvertently resulted the original blunder.
b) …after the denim skirt was donned – Originally, it was properly aligned, but however, due to unforseen circumstances, the skirt sort of shifted by itself and caused the misalignment. This could be due to the unmatching size of the garment (too loose, lack of retention force, etc).

– That improperly aligned skirt may potentially aggravate a seemingly harmless situation into a life threatening emergency condition.
– A possible scenario would be a race to the restroom to purge an exploding diarrhea, which the misaligned skirt might cost the subject a few precious microseconds to unnecessarily fumble for her displaced zipper/button to undone the whole article.
– The tardy response in turn could soil her underwear, which if it was to be worn into the office, its malodor might cause latent ill effects to her co-workers. Potential symptoms may include nausea, loss of appetite, accelerated asthmatic attack, malaria, ebola, ruptured uterus (for females), impotence (for males) and even nostril cancer.

Corrective Action(s)
– Unlike a 2 pronged pants, a skirt is tubularly hollow inside. Hence, it is quite difficult for one to notice if she has worn the skirt in the wrong direction, especially if it was to be done in a state of hurry and in condition when lighting is scarce.
– Based on this understanding, the team concurs that it is imperative for a skirt to be designed in such a way that the person who wears it will be able to differentiate the correct positioning even when it’s in the dark (and conspicuous enough for the person to see).

Proposed solutions:
a) Using technology (expensive)
The skirt has to have its own positioning system. Such can be achieved by attaching a battery powered bluetooth beacon on the front side of the skirt and another reference beacon to be placed on the subject’s head (can be worn like a hat/cap/mask).
The reference beacon on subject’s head will be used to triangulate the position of the skirt beacon. The data obtained will be made to go through a comparison algorithm preset inside the reference beacon, as such that if both the beacons are not in line or pointing to the same direction, the reference beacon will electronically activate an alarm (or perhaps deliver an electric shock) to alert the subject that the skirt is not properly aligned.

b) Using wits (cheaper alternative)
Subject can purchase those glow-in-the-dark plastic letterings, and stick following phrase to the front side of the skirt – “PUBE SIDE”. And following phrase to the rear side of the skirt – “ASS SIDE”. This solution requires subject to look at her skirt from time to time to be effective.

End of report

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 

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