Archive for September, 2006

September 29, 2006

my badass daughter

Emily and I brought Regine to the doctor for her routine checkup yesterday morning. The doctor took a few flips on her records, and found that she has a few overdued vaccinations (or something) and suggested for her to have one of the injections.

That came to us rather unexpectedly, since my mom was away for vacation, it would be hard for both of us inexperienced goofs to handle an upset baby at home. You know, them kids are always upset after an injection. They create nightmares out of thin air.

But neither of us said anything about it… and the doctor sort of went ahead with the plan.

He then examined Regine with a stethoscope, lifted her next to an elevated platform and stripped her naked to have her weight taken. But before he put her bare-ass onto the scale, he made his biggest mistake of the day with this flippant remark –

“Ooohhhh you’re such a BIIIIIGGGGGG baby!” [while having his eyes locked at her nether region]

Now, there are certain things in life that we men shouldn’t say, EVARRR, in front of a woman. And complimenting their weight is one of them. (if you haven’t already known this, then blessed be thee for reading this entry).

The doctor’s fate was sealed from that moment on. Little did he know that, Regine, though still an infant, has already developed the intrinsic reflex mechanism to react to such ‘forbidden’ remark. She peed on his scale. That’s right. She has not learned how to speak, nor fully mastered the motor skill to flip him a bird yet. So she did what she was capable of – she frigging sloshed him some warm chrysanthemum tea… right in front of him, onto his scale.

It startled the doctor alright, but it did nothing to his faith as a medical practitioner. The whole thing looked more like an amusing episode for the doctor and the rest of us, but deep inside me, I knew that wasn’t the light that my Regine wanted to portray. Being her daddy, we sort of share the same frequency wavelength that gives me the ability to emphatically decipher every of her action that may construe certain message… (for instance, when she waves both her hands in a random motion, it means that she wanted me to hoover a piece of mooncake on behalf of her…)

That morning, she was asking all of us to leave her weight issue out of our daily discussions. And she’s serious about it.

To underline the message clearer, she just stared squarely at us when the injection was being jabbed onto her thigh, without emitting a single yelp. That mean, not-to-be-reckoned-with, cold hard stare. It freaked me out so much, that I temporarily lost my appetite for mooncakes. o_O

So, as you can see, it is imperative for us guys to practice some discretion whenever we ‘compliment’ about a person’s physical condition. Especially on a female subject. If you have an opinion about her weight, keep it within yourself. If you need to express it, do it in front of your trusted buddies. Don’t do it in front of her. If you need to do it anyway, make sure you veil it up with plenty of hidden references and then leave. That is to buy you enough time to leave to a safe distance before she figures them out.

I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Regine were to be 18 years older than her current age. The clinic would have reduced to a pile of rubble, no shit…


“Those are just baby fats, ok??”

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
September 27, 2006

who’s on the line pleassssse~?

Our house phone rang at an unexpected hour in the night. I picked it up and there was this prissy female voice on the other side.

prissy caller : “Hellloooo~~ May I speak to Emily pleassssse~?”

Her lascivious voice reminded me very much of that Popeye’s wife – Olive – which made me feel like punching her face. I totally did not like it at all.

Me : “Oh~~~ May I know who’s on the line pleassssse~?”

I replied with an exaggerated impersonation of her mushy tone… in full hope that it would give her an idea that she ought to die than to live with that kind of fucked up voice for the rest of her life.

prissy caller : “~I am her friend~~~”

Yeah, the hell I couldn’t figure that out. I was asking for her identity, and she fucking told me that she’s Emily’s friend. I wonder why she didn’t just tell me that she has a labia that resembled a dehydrated leech… it would have been as irrelevant.

Me : “~~Of course I know you’re her friend~~~lady. But would you care to tell me your name?~~~”

And in a sick and disgusting high pitched tone, she smarmily told me her name

prissy caller : “~I am Hui Chern~”

I got Emily to answer the call, thinking that it must be one of her weird friends that sings to plants. But it wasn’t. In fact, that Hui Chern wasn’t even her ‘friend’ at all. She is actually a pesky direct sales freak that was introduced by a relative many months back. We had shunned her off many times before, but she kept coming back to pester Emily to buy one of her traditional Chinese supplement products that seem to be able to resurrect anyone from death.

Fuck.

I was thinking, why couldn’t she just identify herself as “Hui Chern – the annoying direct-salesperson from hell” on the phone? Why did she have to deceive me that she’s my wife’s ‘friend’ just so that I’d get her to answer the fucking phone? Was that even ethical?

Maybe somebody should come up with a domestic version of those interactive answering machine thingy, you know… just like those that they have for telebankings? (I don’t know what they’re called…)

Imagine if Hui Chern the annoying direct salesperson from hell were to call and hit a snag with our machine…

“To speak in English, press 1. To speak in BeeEm, press 2. To speak in Telegu, press 3. Others, press 4.”
1…
“If you’re a relative, press 1. If you’re a friend, press 2. Others, press 3.”
2…
“For well being inquiries and regards, press 1. For helps and favors, press 2. For blank chats, press 3. Others, press 4.”
3…
“If you would like to speak to Michael, press 1. If you would like to speak to Emily, press 2.”
2…
“Please key in your 6 digit pin number, otherwise, fuck off.”
$%^&*()

Yeah, maybe we should have that kind of thing around…

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
September 24, 2006

lassi

If you’ve been to an Indian cuisine restaurant, you probably would have heard of the word ‘lassi’.

Lassi is a traditional South Asian beverage, originally from Punjab, India/Pakistan, made by blending yogurt with water, salt, and spices until frothy. Yogurt is mentioned in ancient Indian texts, and so is buttermilk. Yogurt sweetened with honey is used in Hindu rituals. Traditional lassi is sometimes flavored with ground roasted cumin. The Lassi of the Punjab sometimes uses a little milk and is topped with a thin layer of ‘Malai’ — a clotted cream — also known as Devonshire Cream. Lassis are enjoyed chilled as a hot-weather refreshment. With a little turmeric powder mixed in, it is also used as a treatment of gastroenteritis.

Variations
Sweet lassi is a more recent invention, flavored with sugar, rosewater and/or lemon, mango, strawberry or other fruit juice. Saffron lassis, which are particularly rich, are a specialty of Sindh and Jodhpur, Rajasthan in India.

Another popular variation on the Lassi is the Mango Lassi, which is orange in color and mango flavored.

The Lassi-like Ayran is also popular on hot summer days in Turkey, where it typically contains only water, salt, yoghurt and sometimes lemon.

In areas of the Middle East including Iran and Lebanon, a similar salty yogurt beverage, named doogh, is popular.

During 2002, commercial products resembling sweet lassi began appearing on the U.S. market, with names like “Drinking Yogurt” and “Yogurt Smoothie”.

Source: Wikipedia

Basically, lassi is a type of drink. Fortified with awesomeness.

Today, Regine made me some warm lassi as a belated birthday gift…

Regine: “Uwekkkkk! uwekkkk! wekkkkkkk!”
[translation: "Happy belated birthday daddy. I love you."]

She made so much of them… that they soaked my shoulder wet and slopped all over the ceramic floor. Ahhh I couldn’t have felt any warmer…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 17 Comments
September 20, 2006

ISO 9000

1.0 Purpose and Scope.
1.1. This document defines the basic copulatory process between 2 individuals of the opposite sex.
1.2. The procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1. Kamasutra (for advanced techniques)

3.0 Definition
3.1. Vagina – A cave-like sex organ of a female gender. Usually dry but would secrete shitloads of organic lubricant when excited/provoked.
3.2. Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but would erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked.
3.3. Coitus – The process of inserting an erected penis into a lubed (naturally/unnaturally) vagina, and pound repeatedly for sheer carnal pleasure; sexual intercourse.
3.4. Orgasm – The condition of going into temporary unconsciousness (black out) and at the same time, experience the illusion of ascending to heaven at the peak of a copulation act.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1. The male is responsible to get consent from the female partner to participate in the sexual intercourse.
4.2. The female is responsible to review any advances from the male that may implicate a desire for an intercourse, and decide whether to accept the offer.
4.3. The male is responsible for any side effects that may occur after the coitus.
4.4. The male, however, is NOT solely responsible to decide the suitable location to perform the intended coitus.
4.5. The female is responsible to bring the male a can/glass/bottle of cold beer (if available) when requested.

5.0 Procedure
5.1. The male shall begin the process by engaging in various foreplay acts (refer 5.2) with the female partner to:
    a) arouse the female partner and get her vagina to lube itself up (refer 3.1)
    b) arouse himself and get his penis to erect (refer 3.2)
5.2. Foreplay acts shall include, but not limited to
    5.2.1 Kissing on the mouth
    5.2.2 Penis stimulation by the female mouth, or vice versa, female mouth stimulation by the penis…
    5.2.3 Kneading and caressing the tits
    5.2.4 Licking and sucking the nipples
    5.2.5 Cunnilingus (not recommended for individuals with Ichthyophobia)
    5.2.6 Testical stimulation by the female hand, or vice versa, female hand stimulation by the testical…
5.3. The male shall continue to engage the series of foreplay acts until he receives the redflag indicator, which can be identified as following:
    5.3.1 The female starts to moan like a wildebeest.
    5.3.2 The female starts to repeatedly yell unintelligible single syllable exclamations (eg. YESS YESS OHH)
    5.3.3 There’s an overflow of liquid gushing out of the female’s vagina.
    5.3.4 The penis head is swelling up to almost the size of an automobile gear knob.
5.4. Contraception.
    5.4.1 If contraception is not intended, continue to 5.5
    5.4.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it with one hand
    5.4.3 Use the other free hand to continue stimulate female partner, lest she’ll lose the heat and abandon sex.
    5.4.4 Or alternatively, the male can request the female to help him wear the condom orally
    5.4.5 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else have to start back at 5.1.
5.5. The male shall then insert his erected penis into the vagina, apply some pressure in the upwards position (touching the clitoris), and repeatedly ram partner in the forward direction.
5.6. The male shall continue to ram partner until his penis ejaculates.
5.7. Impromptu contraception (if 5.4 is skipped)
    5.6.1 The male shall pull out his penis from the vagina at the culmination of the coitus,
    5.6.2 Semen shall then be ejaculated onto the female partner’s body (instead of her vagina).
5.8. The male shall then moan out loud, settle down and perform either one of the following
    a) wash penis and retire to sleep
    b) wash penis and grab a beer (refer 4.5)
    c) wash penis and light a cigarette to promote lung cancer
    d) wash penis, dress up and leave
    e) wash penis and wash it again.

6.0 Forms and Checklist
NIL

7.0 Records/Data and Retention Period
Not necessary.

*****
I think this could be the first ever ISO 9000 procedure to have ever been documented for sexual intercourse… I wrote it just for fun (who knows, some virgin nerds might find this useful? They’re going to get their first pork ISO certified… no shit)

If you guys have anything else to add to the procedure, just let me know. I’ll add them in if they’re good… cheers.

*****
Update: Added 5.2.6 and 5.4.4

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 28 Comments
September 18, 2006

how would you like your gender, sir?

I was minding my own business, when Emily suddenly asked me this

Emily : “Dear, if you get to be reborn into this world and start all over again, would you still want to be a male? Or do you want to be a female?”

Me : “No doubt, a male of course.”

Emily : “Yeah me too. If I get to choose my gender, I would definitely choose to be a guy. So, what makes you think being a girl’s so bad?”

Simple, I said. It sucks being a girl.

First, you have more sex organs to manage. A rack and a patch of furry beaver. The rack, if it’s too big, it is going to be very cumbersome. You’re going to get your agility affected. If it is too small, you’re going to lose shitloads of confidence. And for all the troubles, you don’t get to use them. They’re for your kids, who are going to suck them till they become 2 deflated pieces of sloppy skin. And for your guy partners who are going to knead them till they go purple. Funbags, they call them. You’re like, born to do charity against your own will. No good.

That furry patch of beaver, it may look like it’s damn simple like that, but deep inside, is an entanglement of biological mess. You have the fallopian tubes, and those microscopic little hernias sticking out here and there. And they fucking rot every goddamned month. When they rot, you have to bleed for a few days. And during this period, you would basically go out of your mind and blame everyone for everything – all the while riding on that uncomfortable piece of bloody pad.

But then, I’m also aware of the multi orgasm feature that comes with that set of complex device. It’s the plus side of being a female. But the 9 months of getting knocked up and labor pain is a total turn-off for me. And this totally eclipses the whole orgasm deal here. Definitely no good. And those thingamajigs, will get obsolete when you go post 40, post the average reproduction stage. By then, they would just stay static inside there and putrefy into cancer cells. No good no good.

Secondly, you also will have an intricate assortment of hormones to contend with. I ain’t a doctor or a med student, but judging from the volatile temperament that I’ve seen on a lot of females, I reckon that there must be a few gazillion types of hormones flowing inside their body. Innumerable, basically. Because of that, you are likely to feel horny most of the time. You will need dildos, battery operated butt plugs, Estee Lauder youth potions, 500 bucks lipsticks to look like a mutated insect, ridiculous looking expensive handbags, dangerously unstable stilettos, list goes on… You just need to spend a hell lot more money to play the mating game… as opposed to us guys, who only need a hand to rectify our needs, a neat sturdy comb and a good smelling oil-free hair cream to rejuvenate our charm. Spend more money = no good. We guys would rather spend it on a more expensive ester based engine oil, or perhaps a fancy piece of multi-tipped portable electronic screwdriver.

Thirdly, the convenience of going to a bathroom hygienically. The beef curtain is designed in such a way that one has to either squat or sit to streamline the piss towards the correct direction. I don’t like that design. It’s not practical. It takes too much time to look for a clean toilet seat, loose the garment and answer the call of nature. Those time can be very precious, especially when your bladder’s at the verge of exploding. Being a guy is definitely better. I just have to whip out my nozzle, and gush. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter where because there will be no contact between any exposed part of my body to any part of the loo. I’m always clean and I can do it real fast.

So, there… as you can see it through my mind – why would I still choose to be a guy. I’d rather work for the rest of my life and feed my girl plenty of love at all cost, rather than to go through all the troubles just for that multi orgasm perk (which one gets to probably enjoy only for the first 40 years of her life). Being a girl is just too complex for me. I want something simpler, like being a guy.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 21 Comments