I received this from my ex-boss today.
I know all you people who are reading this are gorgeous, that’s why I thought of sharing it with you. (if you’re piss ass ugly, you should probably go somewhere else… like a plastic surgery site or something, instead of reading blogs, right?)
Feel free to copy the image and forward as you like. And remember, don’t send it back to me, “I’ve received fucking hundreds”….
Emily’s phone rang before we left for work this morning. It was Sweety on the line. If you can remember Sweety, the unsophisticated wench who’s frantic about everything in her life, who’s also one of Emily’s dearest friends.
I don’t exactly know why she called my wife this time, but from what I gathered through Emily’s side of conversation, I manage to make up that she hasn’t been menstruating for a while, which lent her the suspicion that she might be knocked up, and had been to the doctor to look at ‘the problem’ (or something like that).
Here’s the reconstruction of what I heard from that one sided conversation (though may not be verbatim, but is as accurate as the original) -
Emily: “So you’ve been to the doctor?”
Sweety [on the other side of the line]: [inaudible speech]
Emily: “What did he say?”
Sweety: [inaudible speech]
Emily: “So did he give you a pregnancy test?”
Sweety: [inaudible speech]
Emily: “WHAT?”
Sweety: [inaudible speech]
Emily: “You mean, the one that he straps around your arm, pumps it tight and then slips in with a stethoscope????”
Sweety: [inaudible speech]
Emily: “NOOOO GIRLLL!!! That thing was used to check your BLOOD PRESSURE, not to check if you’re pregnant!!!!”
Self explanatory, people. It doesn’t take a genius to decipher what actually happened here.
When Emily hung up, she and I looked at each other, and gave a tacit acknowledgement about her friend’s superior display of obtuseness.
I wonder what could have happened if the doctor were to strap that sphygmomanometer on her head and pump it up tight… She’d probably think that she’s going through a lobotomy… NO SHIT!
(Man, I’ve been laughing by myself many times since this morning each I think about this blunder… I think I might need to get a ‘pregnancy test’ myself soon…)
Me: “You know what’s a radiator?”
Somebody: “Nope. Something that emits radiation?”
If a radiator emits radiation, we’d all be dead by now.
Girls. They’re as clueless about cars as we guys are about the types of chemicals they put on their face.
I was reading some mails on my PC when all of a sudden, Regine wailed out loud inside mom’s room. Earlier, mom had brought her into the room for some tummy massage (to rid of her intestinal gas). It was all going well until she started to wail unprovoked. I stormed into the room
“Mom what happened??”
“I don’t know, she just set off like that.”
“UWAAAARGHH!!!!!!!! UWAAAAARGGHH!!!!”
She never wailed like this before. It sounded very unusual. It was as if she’s just witnessed her beloved pet dog explode or something like that. It really got the whole house in the state of pandemonium there. I came up with the idea that she might have been bitten by one of those nasty bugs, and so the three of us (Emily, mom and myself) frisked all over Regine’s corrugated layers of baby fat to spot for a bite rash or just anything that might hurt her.
Nothing.
Her wailing went louder. We were getting edgy by the seconds as none of us could figure out what was wrong with her. We tried everything - pacifier, lullings, cuddlings, they all didn’t work. Just then, my mom took her out from the room and went for a walk, only then… she started to calm down.
I was like “What the fuck? What was wrong with mom’s room?”. I tried to check around for anything that might have provoked the baby, you know, maybe a very odd looking old people bra that might have irked her or something… but there wasn’t any. There’s nothing wrong with mom’s room except that stupid fengshui crystal. So, what provoked Regine that night? Could it be something that’s paranormal (after all, it’s the hungry ghost festival month…)? Perhaps my Regine saw something that we didn’t?
Spooky.
It was all forgotten until the next day when she was brought into mom’s room again for more tummy massage (oh yeah). Guess what? She wailed again. I wasn’t there because I’m at work. But Emily told me it was the same kind of wail like the night before. Knowing that it has got to be something in the goddamn room that’s upsetting the baby, Emily brought her out from it and mom combed through her room to investigate, what exactly was the problem. And finally, she found it.
It was the hairdryer.
Strange, but true. You see, part of the traditional baby tummy massage procedure was to rub oil (somekind of lemon grass oil i think) with both your palms till it’s warm, then you tenderly apply it on the baby’s tummy. But my mom, being an inherent smart lazy fart, found an easier way out of this - to use the hairdryer to warm up the oil on her palms instead of laboriously rubbing it. It was all good until that tumultuous Sunday night, when out of the blues, my Regine suddenly developed a fear of hairdryers. The big bad evil fucking hairdryer.
She should feel grateful that she wasn’t born in the 70’s. Coz if she did, she could have been an outcast in her teenage life in the 80’s… back when hairdryers used to be the ‘in’ thing… That lucky little shit.
Babies are weird people.
Btw, anyone of you know of the phobia word used to describe the ‘fear of hairdryers’?
I happened to hear this from the radio a while ago - that Malaysians uses more water compared to that of a developed nation. Then the message was topped up with an advice that we should all not waste water, but conserve them, lest that we’ll run out of water someday, and the government will not have enough of it to sell to Singapore… o_O
I was kidding about the last part. (hey, you serious politicians, if you can’t take a joke, don’t read blogs! and fuck off!)
So, we Malaysians use way too much water. Way too much. I’m not sure how much is ‘way too much’, but it’s intriguing enough for me to find out. A bit of googling around, I manage to come up with this number - an average Malaysian, consumes approximately 112 gallons of water per day… compared to the Brits in a big city like London, which stands at only 76 gallons. That’s like, 30% more.
But is that 30% really ‘way too much’ as exclaimed? In order to answer that, we’ll have to make some demographical research, on WHY, does an average Malaysian uses more water compared to most developed nations’ city dwellers, and then, we’ll see if those justifications are credible. I’m gonna make this in point form
Weather
It’s fucking wet, hot and musty here in Malaysia more than anywhere else. That sticky layer of humid air, and all year round sweltering abundance of sunlight, would make anyone perspire in just seconds under the hot sun. In just a couple of hours through the day, you’d get all yucky and greasy from the heat.
An because we Malaysians are a hygienic lot, we take our shower more frequent per day than anybody else, as opposed to somebody like a Brit who probably does it only once a year or two. Hmmpffhh..
Is it justifiable? YES.
Cost of living
Automobiles here are freaking expensive. That’s because our Malaysian government taxes our biles out and our public transport system generally sucks big time (just look at those idiot taxi drivers in Penang, sheesh). Because of that, we’ll have to pay YEARS of instalment to possess our own transport, so that we could get around to work and get an average chance for an average performance, and in turn, get taxed averagely for our puny wage.
This indirectly makes the automobile as the second highest prized possession for an average Malaysian, right after their own apartment or house. That is why, an average Malaysian washes their car more frequent to keep it in its best looking condition, so that it would fetch a higher resale price whenever there’s a need to sell it.
Is it justifiable? YES.
Economical advantage
Malaysians are averagely being paid much less than those in most developed nations. That’s why, you see a lot of foreign multinational firms setting up factories over here to exploit the cheap labours. For the price of one very conceited lazy ass couch potato grade Brit who works only 6 hours a day with multiple breaks on a 5 day week, you can get 5 hardworking Malaysians who’s willing to work for more than 12 hours a day without any break for a 6 days week.
Everyone wants their factory to be set up in Malaysia, so… more factories here. Water being the universal ingredient for every fucking processed item on this planet, will have its usage increased here as well. So, more factories, higher water usage. It’s all about fulfilling higher demands here.
Is it justifiable? YES.
Quality of life
We only wear our expensive DKNY’s and Emporio’s when we club. The rest of the time? It’s the buy 1 free 1 cheap ass garments we grabbed from the ubiquitous SALES promotion all over our country.
As a result of that, we can afford to buy MORE CLOTHES. And we Malaysian wash more of our clothes compared to anyone else. That’s because its fucking cheap and we’re anal about our bodily fluids getting smeared on our clothes (see point #1).
Is it justifiable? YES.
Religious fulfillment
Malaysia is predominantly a Muslim country, with 60 over percent of the people here embracing Islam as their religion. One thing that’s different about Muslim people from the west, is the use of water in their sanitary practices. They wash. They don’t wipe. (well, that’s what I understand from my Muslim friends anyway).
And due to cultural influences, it sort of affected the rest of the people with different ethnicity as well. And because of that, you guess it right, increased water consumption to clean our asses. (No I don’t wipe as well).
Is it justifiable? Of course.
Food & needs
We eat rice as our national interest. We eat rice for breakfast, we eat rice for lunch and we eat rice the rest of our meals and miserable third world lives. Now how do we produce rice? Fertile land and shitloads of water, all year long.
To steam a pot of rice, we need even more water… and once we whacked that sambal laden pack of nasi lemak, we need two more glasses of water to quench the thirst. That translates to, A FUCKING LOT OF WATER.
Is it justifiable? If no, we’d be dead without rice. So, fuck yeah.
****
That’s more or less about it. As you can see, we have every reasons to use more water than those English people due to the geographical differences. It’s all justifiable. So what is everyone’s fucking problem again?
(we may not be having enough water for everyone, … but we hell sure are not using ‘way too much water’ compared to a developed nation…)