August 17, 2006

Spasmodic Squeeze Protocol (SSP)

I accidentally brushed the side of my chest against something last night, and felt a sharp sting somewhere around my left nipple. Fearing that it might be an insect feasting on my tit, I lifted up my T-shirt to inspect… and saw this ripened bead of zit on the left side off my left nipple.

It was a nasty one. Roughly the size of half a grain of rice and was inflamed at the area surrounding it. I looked at it in utter disgust, and at the same time, astonished as how this zit could have festered to this size right below my nose without even noticing it. This can be likened to the feeling of discovering that there’s a colony of wild hyenas breeding under your bed, and you only realized it like, yesterday.

I poked it with my finger. Felt a small prick, but it was alright I guess. I thought I could handle it. So, I decided to squeeze it off. Slowly, I applied some pressure on it with my index and thumb, expecting it to pop out and be done with it (since it had ripened). But it didn’t pop. Instead, I was hit with that prick sensation again, only this time, it was amplified to a thousand folds.

The pain was so intense, that I had to actually clench my eyes shut to bear with it, with tears pouring out of the corner of my eyes like it’s so out of control like that. I swear that it almost felt as if my nipple was trying to give birth to an ENTIRE colony of hyenas. The pain. Oh fuck. It was indescribable.

I waddled into the kitchen in agony, took a sip of water and had another careful look at that monster again under the illumination of the fluorescent light. Shit. Looks like I’m gonna have to call for the Spasmodic Squeeze Protocol (SSP) to tackle this – I thought. You know, when you’re confronted with a difficult task that you can’t seem to follow the usual process to dispatch it? Like peeling a plaster off a sore wound? You yank the plaster off in a flash of light. You’ll feel a lot of pain, but for the same short amount of time to get the WHOLE job done. SSP follows the same concept. Squeeze it hard to pop the damn thing, and brace yourself for the next few seconds of pain (rather than to suffer under that slow painful spell). It a man’s way of solving problems. Simple, fast and objective driven.

So I got myself to prepare for that SSP thing. My left hand to lift my T-shirt and my right hand in the position to execute the act. I got myself ready, counted to three, took a deep breath and pinched that zit with all my might. And the time stopped. I was temporary blinded by a wave of vertigo, followed by a twinge of diarrhea inducing pain. My body started to convulse violently and I was unconsciously gritting my teeth to the brink of dislocating my jaw. The whole thing was almost like what Rambo had to go through when he lit up the gunpowder to cauterize his wound. Now this zit, this motherfucking zit, would have made Rambo himself keel the fuck over. No shit.

I had to squirm standing around the kitchen looking like a living dead with balancing problems for about 20 – 30 seconds… before I regain back my standing composure and opened my eyes. With my tit still sore, I stoop my head down to look at the damn zit. The zit itself had erupted and was gone, but left a whole deal lot of inflamed tissues for me to reckon with. Goddamn.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

26 Comments to “Spasmodic Squeeze Protocol (SSP)”

  1. Sasha says:

    LOL~Are you sure you popping a zit or your nipple? Anyway i love popping zits for other ppl. Call me if you need any help~LOL

  2. inevitable says:

    Ei, you sure you squeezed the correct zit ah? Check where’s your nipple… haha

  3. Jeebs says:

    Goddamn…i feel for you.

  4. Din says:

    I have many experiences with zits all over my body, including strage places. My proudest achivement to-date is to pop a huge one in my groin area, with the help of the mirror. Pain lasted for a day.

  5. Adrian says:

    Now that sounds like the greatest torture of all time. Yuck! And I wonder what would happen if there’s a zit on your balls. Hahaha!

  6. michaelooi says:

    sasha / inevitable – Zit… nipples… like it’s so hard to differentiate meh? I know nipples damn well like the back of my hands, ok? I’m very expert in ‘handling’ it…

    jeebs – Yeah, everyone should. Like, who doesn’t get a zit or two every now and then? Only corpses don’t get zits. Read me.

    din – Ughh man, I never get zits on my private part. That’s because I wash it very often. You probably should, too.

    adrian – Duuuuude… do you even know how ghey that comment was? And do you even have to post it TWICE? (I deleted one) Ewwwhhhh

  7. malcolmchoy says:

    awww..

  8. Adrian says:

    Oh sorry. I was having some connection problems so I thought it didn’t go through. That’s why I submitted twice. Sorry! :P

  9. Primrose says:

    LOL! Nipple brown. Zit pinkish red. LOL!
    But eww, disgusting lah!

  10. Yin says:

    so you open the comments for this one, eh?
    :D , you crack me up, man. :)

  11. tyra says:

    next time apply hot towel on it or apply rubbing alcohol…it helps :)

  12. michaelooi says:

    malcolmchoy – Wow, you have a lot of compassion for zits eh?

    adrian – Don’t worry dude, I was just pulling your leg (in a non-gheyish way)

    primrose – Some nipples are pink. Ahakss. It’s not so much about the colour, but shape, texture and feeeeel of it.

    Yin – Yeah, I was thinking if someone might have any better idea on how to handle crisis like this…

    tyra – Rubbing alcohol on it? So that it’ll get inebriated and puke out the pus by itself? Wow.

  13. mumsgather says:

    Ouch! Sounds like you just created a crater on your chest lah!

  14. AvatarStormBringer says:

    You didn’t bath. That’s why there’s a zit. Filthy… you could have used a needle? :P

  15. TyplotioN says:

    ewwwww…i’m eating man…

  16. Arkane says:

    THink what you described is closer to a boil than a zit. WHen a zit gets inflamed and infected, it becomes a boil and hence the blinding pain when you try to squeeze it. That’s why squeezing zits are much fun but squeezing boils aren’t (unless you are a masochist). Next time, use a needle (sterilized). After you prick the ripened part, apply a generous amount of antiseptic lotion to soothe the infected tissues. Works every time and no pain at all.

  17. megabigblur says:

    PUP (pus expression protocol)
    1. Find needle. Sterilise with flame/hydrogen peroxide
    2. Poke hole in pimple
    3. Squeeze out pus
    3. Wash
    Much less painful than your SSP, hehe.

    Or maybe that’s too medical for an engineer to deal with? >D

  18. michaelooi says:

    mumsgather – I checked the eruption site the next morning, thankfully, my tit still has its complexion and contour preserved. No crater or blemish. Aren’t you feeling happy for me? Wheeee!

    AvatarStormBringer – If my 3 times a day pilgrimage to the bathroom is considered as “i didn’t bath”, then you’ll need to clean up with the volume of a hoover dam to be considered as ‘clean’. And you people would be picketing about zits instead of petrol hikes.

    typlotion – You sexist cannibal!

    arkane – Wow, I never knew that there are so many terminologies to describe a damn zit. Boil. Whatever. To me, boil is a word to describe
    1) the condition of your head when you’re extremely pissed
    2) the act of heating up water to 100 deg C.
    Who would have thought….. nevermind. I learnt something today.

    megabigblur – I don’t think it’s a good idea to use stuffs like that near your nipple (in this case, my nipple). Needles, nailclippers, knives, pikes, chainsaws, plastic explosives. I mean, these things are HAZARDOUS. I’d rather grant that zit longevity than taking a risk with any of those dangerous tools. I could have seriously hurt myself there, no shit.

  19. anas says:

    woo, thank god you survived that…LOL

    i have to agree with you michael, megabigblur’s solution is VERY DANGEROUS. don’t want anything bad to happen to my nipple, like tercucuk jarum. adoi sakit. hahaha

  20. oliviasy says:

    never mandi probably lar, must be XD

  21. . says:

    I’m just thinking of how the whole thing looked like from behind, e.g. if someone walks in from behind with your back facing him/her. And if you happen to moan (in pain or pleasure, whatever), it would seem quite obscene yah… ;-) Well, probably the moaning would do.

  22. khimfoh says:

    Hey mikey,

    shit happens

  23. michaelooi says:

    anas – SSP sux, but it works.

    olivia – Come on, do you see cows get zits? They don’t bathe very often either…

    dot – You have quite an imagination huh? Man that movie Brokebackside Mountain sure had an effect on you people…

    khimfoh – It indeed does.

  24. blueky says:

    all that drama for a zit. You’re a natural writer, michael!! LOL

  25. Silencers says:

    I got a nasty zit under my armpit once. I had to look in a mirror to squeeze it. Fucking hell, when I saw myself in the mirror, I thought I looked like the gheyest person ever.

  26. michaelooi says:

    blueky – I typed, bebeh, I typed…

    silencers – What have you been doing with your armpit dude? Arm-locking a goat?

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